Chapter 24 Survivor’s Guilt
twenty-four
Survivor's Guilt
Zydar
I watched as her face drained of color. It happened slowly, like the world peeled itself away from her.
Like her body understood the truth before her mind caught up.
The edges of her lips parted, but no sound came.
She blinked once. Then again. Her hand pressed to her chest like she had to check something was still there.
I could feel the storm building before she even opened her mouth.
"You lied to me." Her voice cracked on the last syllable.
Tears streaked down her cheeks. She looked as if she wanted to throttle me.
"This whole time, you knew. You knew, and you let them draw out my blood.
You sat there and watched while I gave away pieces of myself.
You watched them suffer for nothing. I was their cure, and you kept it from them. "
I shrugged a single shoulder. "Yes."
"How could you? They're dying." She made a choking noise as if the grief rose like a current, too fast to swallow, too thick to fight. It washed out of her with a shudder. "They're all dying."
"The cure is not certain. There's no guarantee that your heart can halt this curse. None of them understand what your blood holds. They pass it between hands and pray it behaves. You heard what it did to that girl. Her veins caught fire. Her bones shifted. That was no salvation.”
Her face seemed to crumple. "You did this on purpose."
"Miralyte, there is no cure that will bring you back if your heart is taken. That girl grew two wings made of malachite, and that was from a fraction of the quantity. What do you think your heart's full power could do?"
She shook her head as if denying my words would make them stop mattering.
No cure is perfect. Taking her heart might do nothing. Be a nuisance or worse. If they took her heart and she still died, then the Rot would keep spreading. It wouldn't be a true cure. It would be death and disappointment. Nothing more.
The fact that my heart and soul wouldn’t survive her death was irrelevant.
"Do you care at all about what happens to them?" she asked. "Do you care about any of this?"
"No." The answer was meant to shock.
"You're cruel." She reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "You're the cruelest being in this entire palace."
"I've been called worse."
She glared at me, her expression hardening. "I never should've trusted you. Never should've let you in my life. You're a monster, a creature of nightmares, a spawn of the deepest, darkest depths of hell."
I flinched, but took one step closer. Slow. Heavy. She held her ground, but her lips parted with the sharpness of breath she tried to hide.
“I told you this before,” I said, "You’re a fool to think I could ever kill you.”
"Why?" She dared ask the question.
"Because if the cure demands your death, then the world is not worth saving." I ran my thumb along the curve of her cheek and the thunder reverberated in my voice. "Because I would burn the sky before I let them take your heart."
"You don't mean that." Her voice was barely a whisper. "You can't."
I leaned in, lips brushing her ear. "I do." I drew back so I could look into her eyes. "And I will, little dove."
She looked at me then, really looked at me, and I saw the realization dawning in her eyes. She knew. She knew what I felt for her, what I would do for her, what I had already done.
"You selfish bastard," she whispered, but her gaze dropped to my mouth.
Something snapped inside me. All the weeks of restraint, of watching her from across rooms, of fighting the urge to touch her. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, and I was lost.
I grabbed her face between my hands and crashed my mouth to hers.
Not gentle. Not soft. Desperate and rough and hungry like I'd been starving for centuries and she was the first meal I'd seen.
She gasped against my lips, and I took advantage, deepening the kiss until I could taste her surprise, her anger, her want.
Her hands fisted in my shirt, pulling me closer even as she bit my lower lip hard enough to draw blood. I groaned into her mouth, my fingers tangling in her hair, tugging her head back so I could claim more of her.
She kissed me back with equal fury, like she was trying to punish me and claim me at the same time. Her nails dug into my chest through the fabric, and I pressed her back against the stone wall, my body caging her in.
We kissed like we were at war with each other. Like we were trying to devour something that couldn't be consumed. Her breath came in short gasps between our mouths, and when I pulled back to look at her, her lips were swollen and red, her eyes wild.
Then she shoved me away.
The warmth left her face like someone had doused flame with ice water. Her hands pressed against my chest, pushing me away with such force I stumbled backward. The tears returned, fresh and bitter, streaming down her cheeks in silver trails.
"Riden." Her voice broke on his name. "I could have saved Riden."
The accusation hit me like a blade between ribs.
"If you had told me sooner. If you hadn't kept this from me, he would still be alive." She wiped her face with trembling fingers, but more tears replaced the ones she cleared. "He died believing all hope was lost. He died thinking I was useless. That my blood meant nothing."
I reached for her, but she stepped back again, shaking her head.
"Don't lay your hands on me." Her eyes burned with fury now, bright and terrible. "Don't you dare touch me, not after what you've done."
"Miralyte, listen to me—"
"No." She held up her hand like a shield between us.
"You listen. If you forbid me from my own death, I will make you regret every breath you take after.
" Her voice turned cold, deadly. "I swear it on Riden's grave.
I will find a way to make you feel what you've taken from me, even if it means my ruin. "
The threat should have amused me. A mortal girl threatening an immortal creature. But the venom in her words, the promise in her eyes, made something twist in my chest.
"I’ve told you that it’s not certain that your death will cure them all!" I stepped closer despite her warning. "Why are you so quick to throw your life away? Your sacrifice may not purge the Rot and bring peace to this cursed land."
"I know it will."
"You know nothing." The words came out harsher than I intended. "Look around you. Look at what the bloodletting has already done."
She flinched, but her chin lifted in defiance. "The bloodletting was different. It was in small measure. My heart would be—"
"Your heart would be what? A miracle?" I laughed, but there was no humor in it. "There is no cure," I continued, my voice dropping to barely above a whisper. "There never was. Only death wearing the mask of salvation."
"You're lying." But her voice wavered.
"Am I? Then why do you think I kept this from you?
Why do you think I let them bleed you drop by drop instead of taking everything at once?
" I reached out and caught her chin, forcing her to look at me.
"Because I hoped they would see what I saw.
That your power is too much for any of them to bear. "
Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. "Then they'll all die anyway."
"Yes."
The simple word hung between us like a death sentence. She stared at me for a long moment, her breathing shallow and quick.
Then she jerked her chin from my grasp. "It's not your decision to make, Zydar."
Something cold settled in my stomach at the way she said my name. No affection. No warmth. Just ice and finality.
"The court will decide," she said, stepping backward toward the door. "And when they do, I'll make sure they know exactly what kind of creature you really are."
"It is my decision to make." I stepped closer, closing the distance she'd tried to create. "Every breath you take, every beat of your heart, every moment you exist in this world is mine to protect."
Her eyes flashed with fire. "Yours?" She laughed, but it was sharp and bitter. "I belong to no one, least of all a creature who thinks he can play god with people's lives."
"I don't play god, little dove. I am beyond such games." My voice dropped lower, rougher. "And as for ownership..." I slid my hand into her hair, cradling the back of her head. "You may never admit it to yourself, but your soul is already bound to mine. In this life, and all that follow."
"It's not true," She moved toward me instead of away, her finger jabbing into my chest. "You arrogant, controlling bastard. You think you can just decide who lives and dies? You think you can keep me locked away like some precious trinket while the world burns around us?"
I caught her wrist, my fingers wrapping around the delicate bones. "I think I can keep you alive when every other soul in this realm is begging for your death."
"Maybe I don't want to be kept alive." Her voice turned deadly quiet. "Maybe I'd rather die saving them than live knowing I could have."
Something dark and possessive roared to life in my chest. "Then you're a fool."
"And you're a monster." She tried to pull her wrist free, but I held tight. "A selfish, possessive monster who would rather watch the world rot than lose his favorite plaything."
I yanked her closer, until her body was pressed against mine, until I could feel the rapid rise and fall of her chest. "Is that what you think you are to me? A plaything?"
Her breath hitched, but she lifted her chin defiantly. "Aren't I? Tell me what I am to you, Zydar."
I stared at her for a long moment, watching the way the torchlight caught the gold in her eyes. "You're my curse."
She blinked, surprise flickering across her face. "The one thing I cannot conquer or control or bend to my will." My thumb traced along her jaw, and she shivered. "The weakness I never asked for and cannot rid myself of."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only answer I have." I leaned closer, until I could feel her breath against my lips. "You make me weak, little dove. You make me question every decision, every strategy, every carefully laid plan."
Her eyes searched mine. "And you hate me for it."
"I should." My voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "I should hate you for what you've done to me. For making me care about something other than victory."
She was quiet for a moment, her breathing shallow. "But you don't."
"No." The admission felt like bleeding. "I don't."
She bit her lower lip, and I watched the way her teeth pressed into the soft flesh. The small gesture sent heat racing through my veins like liquid fire. "Then why? Why won't you let me choose?"
"Because there is no choice." I moved closer, backing her against the cold stone wall.
She glared at me, her eyes bright with defiance. "There's always a choice."
"Not this time." I pressed one palm against the wall beside her head. "This time, there is only me."
"I don't believe you." Her voice stayed steady despite the way her pulse hammered against her throat. "And I don't trust you."
The words should have stung. Instead, they only made me want her more. "Smart girl."
"Don't patronize me."
"I'm not." I leaned closer, my mouth near her ear. "I'm simply appreciating how well you know me. How you see exactly what kind of creature stands before you and still dare to challenge me."
She turned her face toward mine, our lips almost touching. "What I see is a coward hiding behind pretty words and empty threats."
Something dark unfurled in my chest. "Empty threats?"
"Yes." Her chin lifted higher. "You talk about caging me, controlling me, but you haven't actually done anything. You're all bark and no bite."
I chuckled, low and dangerous. "Is that what you think? That I won't follow through?"
"I think you're afraid of what you might become if you truly let yourself want something."
The accusation hit deeper than it should have. My free hand moved to her hip, fingers digging into the soft flesh there. "Perhaps I should show you exactly how much I want you, little dove. Perhaps I should take you right here against this wall and prove just how empty my threats truly are."
The slap came fast and sharp, her palm connecting with my cheek with enough force to snap my head to the side. The sting bloomed across my skin, and I felt my lips curve into a smile.
"There she is." I turned back to look at her, still grinning. "The fire I've been waiting to see."
Her eyes blazed with fury. "You arrogant prick."
The words washed over me like warm water. "Feel better now?"
"No." She glared at me, her hands clenched at her sides. She pushed past me, her shoulder knocking into my chest.
"Get out of my way."
"If you insist." I stepped aside, giving her a sweeping bow as she headed for the door.
She turned and stared at me for a long moment. Then she shook her head and disappeared into the hallway.
I sighed, rubbing a hand across my face. Her scent still lingered in the air, a blend of citrus and jasmine that made my mouth water.
I turned to head back to my chambers, already planning my next move, when pain lanced through my chest like a white-hot blade. The agony dropped me to one knee, my hand flying to press against my heart.
Something was wrong. Very wrong.
I looked down and froze.
Black veins spread across my skin like ink in water, dark tendrils that pulsed with each labored heartbeat. They originated from directly over my heart and snaked outward, visible even through the fabric of my shirt.
The mutilated creature. The one I'd fought in the lower chambers. The one whose claws had found their mark.
The Rot.
It had found me at last.