Chapter 17 #2
“You’ve nothing to apologise for.”
Except I have.
I hurt Basilia in the same way. I was the cause of her pain. My actions forced her hand. My cruelty and selfishness twisted her sweetness into something bitter and vengeful. I destroyed every last bit of goodness in her.
And if I don’t end this, I will destroy Edie, too.
Despite knowing that. I can’t bring myself to let her go. Selfishly, I don’t want to. I guess some things don’t change.
My lips trace her skin before I press my mouth to hers, kissing her with a depth that aches. This isn’t passion, but something raw and honest, heavy with apology and regret. As her tongue finds mine, I ache to let the human part of me, hidden for so long, finally feel again. Entirely. Unreservedly.
Something stirs inside me, the warmth she’s summoned before swelling into a force beyond my control. A tidal wave of emotions crashes through me: joy, lust, happiness, jealousy, affection, fear, yearning, rage, pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Each emotion that surfaces brings a sharp stab beneath my skin. I snap my head back, eyes flicking to my hand where my tattoo writhes just below the surface. The barbs burrow deeper, sending a tearing sensation through muscle and flesh, as if they are shredding me from the inside out.
What the fuck is happening?
The tattoo coils around my arms and neck, tightening with every heartbeat. On my legs and chest, the thorns drive deeper, gnawing through muscle and tendon, tearing apart my flesh. Yet, there is no blood, only agony.
I clench my jaw and tremble, fighting to mask the pain, to shove it down, to reclaim control.
“Dorian, do you feel that?” Edie whispers.
There’s fear in her voice, but also something tender, loving, and it unravels me.
“I… I can’t…”
My body begins to tremble, the cold, despicable monster within me rising to the surface, pushing through the tears made beneath my skin, fighting frantically against the emotions, the feelings, and with its appearance, the pain lessens and the barbs recede.
Fucking take her, the monster within me roars. End this.
“Dorian, what’s happening?” Edie questions. I lift my head, forcing myself to look at her. “I know I said I didn’t want anything more from you, but I think, maybe—”
She trembles against me, struggling against the monumental connection between us that is so much more than sexual attraction. “Don’t say it.”
“I was lying to myself,” she adds with a whisper.
My fingers clutch the satin sheets, knuckles white as I fight the urge to bite her, to claim her. My gums itch, fangs descending as the monster within me forces through the restraints I’ve fought so hard to keep it within. I scramble off the bed, retreating to the far side of the room.
“No,” I snarl, summoning every shred of willpower to keep my distance, not just because the monster within me craves her blood, but because the human within me, the part I thought long dead, aches to make love to her.
I. Want. To. Make. Love. To. Her.
The barbs tighten once again, sinking further, biting, tearing, ripping, shredding at my flesh and bone.
Sweat beads my brow and slips down my spine, but it does nothing to cool the hellfire, tearing me apart. My teeth grind, a vice tightens around my head. Every single part of me hurts.
All I feel is pain. Relentless, soul-tearing, body-ripping pain.
And underneath it all, something close to—No!
No, don’t even think it.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My knees buckle.
Darkness blurs my vision.
“Fuck,” I roar, forcing strength into my legs, banging my head against the wall in anguish. I press my eyes shut, severing those human emotions like a guillotine slicing through a neck. I brutally cut them off. The barbs release their hold instantly, and I can breathe again.
“Dorian?” Edie whispers, her voice trembling.
I hear her shift on the bed, feel the heated air vibrate as she moves towards me. I feel her concern like a soft caress.
I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve her.
“Don’t come near me, Edie,” I warn through barely separated lips.
I can’t let her see my fangs. I can’t let her see the monster.
With effort, I will my teeth to recede into my gums, exhaling sharply as soon as they do.
Her footsteps still, and I slowly peel my eyes open, forcing myself to look at her, to see the woman I’m close to losing my mind, body and soul for.
“Dorian, what’s happening?” she repeats, taking another step towards me as hurt and confusion flickers across her face.
“Don’t come near me, Edie,” I repeat, still not fully in control, not understanding what the fuck just happened. She flinches as though I’ve slapped her, and then her expression hardens. The wall she’s built to protect herself, building back up brick by brick.
“Do not do this,” she snaps, her eyes suddenly blazing with fury. “Do not give me more pleasure than I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. Do not be tender. Do not make me feel something I never thought I could feel again, and then shut me out. I won’t stand for it. Do you hear me, Dorian?”
“You laid down the rules. You didn’t want this to be anything more than sex, and now you’re telling me not to shut you out.”
“I.. I don’t… I’m not sure what I want anymore, but I do know I can’t see you in pain like this. Talk to me.”
“Stay. The. Fuck. Away.”
“Dorian, please. Perhaps I was too rash. Perhaps we could…” Her shoulders drop. “Just let me help you.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Please.”
“I’m trying to protect you,” I yell back.
“From what?” She takes another step forward.
“Edie, don’t.”
“What are you protecting me from?” she insists.
“From me. Fuck, I’m protecting you from me.”
I twist my head to the side, afraid that she will hate what she sees glittering behind my eyes. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than I do at this moment. This isn’t like me. I don’t lose control, but in her presence, I have. Twice now.
“I would never have come here tonight if I knew how you’d react,” she shouts, her hurt slicing me open. “I don’t know what’s going through your head, but I do know I will not let you do this to me. Your reaction is exactly why I insisted it should only be physical between us.”
I grit my teeth, unable to comfort her, unable to fucking move.
“You might have given me a couple of orgasms, and for the briefest of moments, you might have made me feel like I meant something to you, that you could mean something to me, but I cannot be with a man who retreats into himself like you’re doing now.”
“Edie—” It takes monumental effort not to close the gap between us and drag her into my arms, but I can’t trust myself not to break. So I don’t.
“No more excuses. I’m done.” Then she snatches her handbag and swoops down to pick up her shoes before striding past me and ripping open the door.
“I never asked for any of this,” she throws over her shoulder.
“I was happy to live alone for the rest of my life with my vibrators for company.” She glares at me, her chest heaving.
“I was a fool to come here, a fool to believe I could separate sex from emotion. But I’ve done it again.
I’ve allowed another man to slip past my defences, to sink his claws into my heart and tear it from my fucking chest. I don’t want to be vulnerable again, and I sure as fuck I don’t need another man like my husband. ”
With that, she strides out of the room and I do what I’ve never done before and fall to my fucking knees.