Chapter 5 #3
Her eyes search my face, and she visibly backtracks.
“Sorry, rigging is where the Dom ties up the submissive. In this case, it was bondage and suspension, so the Dom was tying me in a way that he could create a harness around my body and suspend me from a hook on the ceiling. He tied my arm at a funny angle and my hand went numb. It happened suddenly and I knew it was bad, so I used red to stop the scene until he could get the rope loose and the blood flowing again. I was okay to keep going after that, but he wasn’t.
It was the first time anyone had used their safe word, and he was upset about it. We ended the scene and hugged it out.”
“Why would you want to be tied up?”
“Did you ever roll up really tight in your blankets as a kid?” When I nod, she continues, “It was frustrating because you couldn’t get free, right?
But once you knew you couldn’t get free, it was fun.
It’s warm and tight and you can just relax into it because you know you’re not going anywhere.
Rigging, or shibari, is like that. Sometimes, I get so chilled out when I’m tied up that I drop into a trance or subspace. ”
“Logan mentioned subspace. He said it’s like a trance.”
“Everyone’s experience is different, but for me a trance is really peaceful. Do you smoke weed at all?”
I shake my head. Navy used to toss random drug tests at us for shits and giggles and although weed is legal in some states, the Navy’s not that tolerant. I could have gotten it if I wanted to take the risk, but I didn’t, and I’ve never bothered to try it since getting out.
“Hmm, well, for me a trance is like smoking good weed. I get really relaxed and nothing bothers me. Sometimes I have deep thoughts and sometimes I just drift along, thinking nothing at all. Subspace is different for me. It’s more euphoric.
I feel like I’m coming off a great orgasm when I’m in subspace.
Or I used to. I haven’t hit it in a while. But it’s amazing when I do.”
“And it’s something only submissives do?”
“No, definitely not. Topspace is a thing. Doms love it.”
“Logan told me before the scene he did with Emily that he might go into topspace. We’ve been skydiving and he said it was a little like that: the feeling of being high above everything but also part of it and being weightless while your whole body is tight with adrenaline but also really focused.”
Brenna shrugs a shoulder and sets her empty on the table between us. “Haven’t been skydiving, so I couldn’t say. But, yeah, that sounds like what a couple of Doms have described to me.”
“So, is that the allure of kink? I mean, some of the stuff I’ve seen and that you’ve talked about, it is fucking dangerous. Even the scene Logan had me watch when he was using the violet wand on Emily, if he did it wrong, he said he could give her nerve damage. Why the hell take that kind of risk?”
“Why are you interested in it?” she asks as I cut a lime wedge, stuff it in a fresh beer, and hand it to her.
“Cause I like to live dangerously?” At her frown, I shake my head. “Sorry, that’s not the real reason. It calls to me. Watching Logan and Emily? It makes me crazy. I want that. I want it more than anything. And I’m doing dumb shit—” I scratch my beard. “This stays between us?”
“Absolutely. Kink’s nothing without trust. I’m not saying I want to scene with you or you want to scene with me, but kink is all about trust. Trusting me is a good place to start.”
I do trust her. Probably prematurely, but she’s smart and knowledgeable and sounds so sincere. This clearly isn’t a game to her. It’s what she lives.
“I found this girl. Online. She said she’s what Emily is. A little. She has a chat room and guys tell her to do things like color and play with dolls and she’ll spank herself and stuff.”
“She’s a web cam girl. So’s my best friend. Don’t worry about what you say to me. You’ll find I’m a judgment-free zone.” Brenna waves her hand at herself. “You found a web cam girl who’s a little. Does she call you daddy?”
I nod. “And it feels all wrong. She’s pretending. It’s so different from Emily, I can’t even tell you. But it still . . . it gets me off.”
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that,” Brenna says gently.
“You’re drowning in guilt. I can see it all over your face.
There’s nothing wrong with what you want, Max.
It’s two adults playing sex games. Everyone’s agreed to it.
Either of you can stop it at any time. It’s totally cool.
Let go of whatever’s telling you it’s wrong. ”
I rub my hands over my knees. “I feel like a fucking pervert.”
“Because seeing a woman dressed up like a little girl, spanking herself, and hearing her call you daddy gets your rocks off? My guy, you’re just scratching the surface.
Last month I let the club Doms blindfold me and strip me and put me up on a platform and sell me to the highest bidder.
He didn’t even take my blindfold off before he fucked me.
Non-stop orgasm fest. Two months from now, I’ll dress up like a horse with a mask and a harness and a bridle and hoof-boots and I’ll pray for someone to whip me.
And don’t get me started on furry play. It’s only wrong if you believe it’s wrong.
Look, you’re young; you’re hot; I’m assuming you’re single and you’ve got money.
You’re not hurting anyone by wanting what you want, and you’re only hurting yourself by feeling guilty about it. Let it go.”
“What if it means I’m a pedophile?” I whisper.
“Do you actually want to fuck an underage kid?”
“No!”
“Do you watch porn where the girls look like they’re underage?”
“No, gross.”
“You’re not a pedophile, Max. You’re a Daddy Dom.
” She sighs, scooping her dreads off her neck and lifting her face into the warm, evening breeze.
“Listen, I love pony play. Love it. Does it mean I want to turn into a pony? Or, Benevolence forbid, get fucked by a horse? No way. These are fantasies that we’re acting out in a safe way.
Sure, sometimes the play gets a little edgy.
But that’s why negotiation before a scene is so important and why we have safe words.
If some Dom had stuffed me into horse tack and started chasing me around the room with a whip the first time I tried pony play, I’d have been traumatized for life.
That’s not what happened. We talked about it for a freaking hour first. The scene went the way we’d discussed, and it was awesome.
That’s kink done right. You’re scared because you don’t understand the rules of the game yet.
But believe me when I say that once you do, you’ll love it.
There’s nothing else like it. Jump out of a plane?
Shoot up a vein?” She blows a raspberry.
“Nothing’s better than kink. Nothing. And you’re a natural.
The way you are with Emily? You intuit what she needs before she even knows she needs it.
You’ll be absolutely fine once you relax. ”
I sit back and take a long draw on my beer. “What if I fuck it up?”
“You absolutely will. You’ll make mistakes and apologize for them and make it right.
You’ll cover your submissive with Band-Aids and kisses and give her a dozen orgasms the first time you make her bleed accidentally.
It’ll happen. We’re pretty fragile meat sacks when you come down to it.
But we’re also capable of healing a lot of damage.
Give yourself permission to learn and explore, even if it means some boo-boos. You’ll be a lot happier.”
I scratch at my beard while I let her words sink in. “What about you?”
“Me?”
“You don’t seem all that happy.”
“Oh. Me. Well, I’m a special case.”
She snorts to herself before taking another swig of beer.
“Why’s that?”
“Max, kink doesn’t fix everything.”
“I don’t imagine it does. But when you’re talking about the scenes you loved, your eyes come alive, but the rest of the time, you look so sad I want to give you a hug. You’ve helped me a lot tonight. How can I help you?”
She swirls the lime wedge in what’s left of her beer.
“That’s very nice of you, but it’s exactly why you really can’t.
I don’t need to be fixed. The reason you even want to is because you’re a Daddy Dom and Daddy Doms want to fix everything.
Look at tonight. You made me dinner. You created a safe space for us to talk.
You even cut up the lime for my beer. None of that’s wrong, okay?
Once you find your little, she or he will absolutely love you taking care of them like that.
But it makes me freaking twitchy. What’s more, I’m a pain slut and the idea of making your submissive bleed made you go so pale I was afraid you might pass out.
A good scene ends with me screaming and bloody.
That’s how I get off. I could talk you through hurting me enough for me to enjoy a scene, but that’s topping from below and I fucking hate that.
I need a Dom who is forceful enough to earn my submission.
Who doesn’t stop and check in with me every time I tell them enough or yell no.
You’d be fighting your instinct to rescue me the whole time.
That is not the way to enjoy a scene and that’s not a good introduction to kink for you.
I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t find you attractive.
I do. But I think we’d be disastrous in a scene together. Can we just be kink friends?”
She holds her hand out across the table.
With a wry smile, I shake it. “Kink friends.”
“You want a sounding board? I’m one hundred percent here for you. Need someone to call at two a.m. because your little had a nightmare and won’t stop crying? I’m your girl. But let’s agree now that we never bone, okay?”
“Agreed.” I chuckle. “I don’t think Logan dislikes you, because he wouldn’t let you be around Emily if he did. But if he does, it’s because he has his head up his ass. You’re awesome, DirtyGurl.”
“Thanks, Daddy Max. You are going to make some little very, very happy.”
“Think so?”
“I do. I predict you’ll have littles fighting over you.
Actually, I do predict that. I don’t know what the little community is like because Emily’s the only little I know, but if the little community is anything like the sub community everywhere, there will be fighting over you.
Good Daddy Doms are not found on every corner.
You’re going to be hot property. Don’t let it go to your head.
I know a Dom who has a freaking fan club who follow him around and beg for scenes from him on their knees.
” She takes a deep breath and looks down the alleyway towards the street, her eyes unfocused.
I’m pretty sure she’s remembering following this asshole around, begging for a scene on her knees.
“Don’t be that guy. For all that Logan and I don’t get along, I’ll be the first to admit that he’s a really good Dom.
He always puts Emily first. He’s selfless in his dominance, if that’s a thing. ”
“Be like Logan?”
She snaps her gaze back to me and grins. “Be like Logan. Only, you know, not as disapproving of my dreads and ink.”
I laugh and tink my beer bottle against hers when she holds it out.