Chapter 22 #2
He obviously didn’t miss the significance of that. His hands paused in the act of reaching for something in his bureau. “I see.”
She waited for him to say more ... to look at her or kiss her ...
anything at all. When he returned to packing, she couldn’t believe it.
What had happened to him? Three days ago, he wouldn’t have left her alone on his bed for more than a second after such a pronouncement.
“Ian, that means there’s no reason for us not to—”
“I know what it means.” His profile was to her, the taut muscles more unyielding than marble. “It means we should have left for London today.”
She stared at him in utter bewilderment. “Whyever for?”
“Felicity.” His voice cracked a little on her name. He straightened as if steeling himself for an unpleasant task. When he faced her, his expression was grim. “We’re going to London early for another reason as well.”
This didn’t sound good, not good at all. “Oh?”
“I sent a message off today to a solicitor, requesting an appointment for tomorrow. I think he’ll oblige me.” He paused. “This particular solicitor specializes in marital separations.”
She jumped up, her heart lurching sickeningly in her chest. “What do you mean?”
His gaze locked with hers. “It’s time we acknowledged this was a mistake.”
A mistake? He was seeking a separation? How dare he! “Why? Because I took so long to let you bed me again?”
“Of course not! But thanks to our abstinence, you aren’t yet pregnant. Under the law, the marriage hasn’t even been consummated. We should take advantage of that and obtain an separation while we still can.”
“I don’t want a separation!”
He sighed. “If it’s the money you’re worried about, be assured that I’ll settle on you an allowance that will provide handsomely for you and your brothers.”
“Damn you, Ian, it’s not the money! I don’t care about money—I never did! I care about you! I don’t want a separation, and you don’t either!”
“What I want is of no importance.” Eyes of deepest obsidian stared earnestly into hers.
“I once thought it was—that my need for a wife superseded any claims of morality or conscience or even simple courtesy. I wanted a wife, so I set out to get one. And I fixed upon you. When you refused me, I seduced you. When you balked at marrying me to save your reputation, I made it so you couldn’t refuse. And all because I wanted you.”
She opened her mouth to protest that she’d wanted him as well, but he held up a hand to forestall her. “Now I find that my conscience plagues me. The only solution is to end this farce of a marriage.”
And she’d expected to seduce him tonight. “Drat it, Ian, why must you choose now to repent your sins?” Now that I love you so dearly.
“Better late than never, don’t you think?”
“No, I do not! I don’t want you heeding your conscience if it means ending our marriage. I didn’t marry you for your conscience!”
“You didn’t marry me for anything at all! I forced you to marry me!”
“The devil you did! Remember that conversation we had in the church vestibule? If I’d wanted to be rid of you, I’d have turned you away then.
But I didn’t.” Should she tell him why? Would he withdraw into himself if she did?
She must take that chance. “It was love that kept me from turning you away, damn it. I knew it even before I arrived at the church. I married you because I love you, Ian.”
The words visibly shook him. Although he didn’t offer the same, she gained encouragement from his expression, which showed uncertainty, not disgust. Surely that was a good start.
Averting his gaze from hers, he raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t imagine why,” he said finally.
“Can’t you?” She strode up to stand in front of him, wanting him to look at her. “You’re generous and patient with my brothers. You listen to me when I talk, unlike other men who think that anything a woman says must necessarily be stupid. You’re considerate to your servants as well as to me.”
“That’s only one side of me. You’ve already seen a little of the other side—the one that manipulated you into marriage. But I assure you, if you really knew the blackness in my soul, you wouldn’t be speaking of—” His voice grew choked. “You’d be begging to leave this marriage.”
Ah. So that was his real reason for wanting a separation. The thorn in his heart. She’d finally brought it to the surface, and he not only refused to let her pluck it out, but insisted on driving her away from him before she saw it.
Well, it wouldn’t work. She’d fought too hard for him and loved him too much. Perhaps he couldn’t speak of it yet, but he would eventually, and when he did she’d be here, not off in London living separate from him. “I know you better than you think.”
“Do you?” His gaze shot to hers, black eyes snapping. “Did you know I’d lied to you all along about my reasons for marriage?”
She willed herself not to react. He wanted to drive her away, and she wouldn’t let him. “How so?”
“I need an heir because if I don’t sire one within two years, I’ll lose Chesterley and most of my income. I’ll be a viscount, but very little more.”
She gaped at him. “How can that be? Surely your estate is entailed—”
“No. My grandfather died when my father was but a boy. So although the estate was entailed upon my father, he had no one to force him into continuing the entail to me. And since Father had peculiar ideas about inheritance, he chose to hold the estate over my head until I came of age and married. Thus there was no legal document protecting my right to it when I left home for the Continent.”
His lips thinned into a line. “That’s when Father apparently decided I should only inherit under certain conditions. His will states that I must have an heir by the end of my thirtieth year, or my uncle will inherit it all.”
“Your uncle!” she said in horror.
“Yes. And having seen evidence of his character, you realize what would happen then. He would crush this estate under his heel until it was no more than a stain upon the shire.” He turned away from her, going to brace one hand against a bedpost. “So you see, Felicity, when you accused me of seeking a ‘brood mare,’ you were very close to the truth. I reached twenty-nine last month, so I have this year and the next to sire an heir. That’s why I forced you to marry me. ”
“I see. What you’re telling me is that you had even more compelling reasons to force a marriage than I realized. You weren’t simply being your usual autocratic self. You were desperate. And I should blame you for that, despise you for that?”
“You should blame me for lying to you about it! I could have told you the truth—laid the entire story before you. But I couldn’t risk your refusing to be my ‘brood mare,’ so I did as I always did with you—seduced and manipulated and deceived you.”
She chose her words with care. “I forgave you for that long ago, just as you forgave me all my misjudgments of you. I don’t care anymore that you lied to me about your reasons for marriage.
It wasn’t much of a lie. You’d already made it clear you were marrying me for practical considerations.
Learning that those considerations were more urgent than I’d guessed makes little difference, and it certainly is no reason to seek a separation.
Nor does it change my feelings for you one bit. ”
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “It should.”
“It doesn’t. I’m not foolish enough to believe that one small mistake defines a man’s character.”
He rounded on her, eyes glittering darkly.
“You don’t know my character, damn it! Those years on the Continent—what do you think I was doing?
I was a spy, and that means I lived a life of constant deception and betrayal.
Because I wasn’t just a spy, I was a good spy.
Do you know what it takes to be a good spy? ”
The vehemence behind the question caught her off guard. All she could do was shake her head mutely.
“It takes not giving a bloody damn what happens to you or what you do. Morality has no place in your actions—you do whatever your government deems necessary. Back then I felt that the world had turned its back on me, so I did the same. I turned my back on my family, on Chesterley, on everything I held dear. I taught myself how not to feel, how not to let my emotions get the better of me. I relied on intellect instead, and it carried me far. My superiors soon discovered I would take on any task as long as it was dangerous enough to make me forget—”
He broke off, his face tortured. “No matter what Wellington said, the things I did were nothing to be proud of. Yes, I found out information no one could. Yes, thanks to my coloring and my talent for languages, I insinuated myself deeply into the ranks of Napoleon’s army in Spain.
Do you know how many French and Spanish ‘friends’ I betrayed to do that? How many lies I told?”
“But they were the enemy—”
“That was my excuse, too. But they weren’t all the enemy.
There were Spanish camp followers and civilians and— Spying is a nasty business.
It spills over very quickly into all of life.
You can’t possibly know how many things I did that I now regret.
” He spoke the words with such sharp self-contempt it wrenched her heart.
“The fact that you regret them only proves your good character. It’s one of many reasons I love you, Ian.”
“Stop saying that! You couldn’t possibly love a man like me!”
Talking would clearly not convince him. So she moved closer and said, “Then I see I must prove that I love you.”
And before he could stop her, she looped her arms about his neck and dragged his head down for her kiss.