Chapter 24 #2
“I left that night for the Continent,” Ian continued, “left them to deal with the questions and the rumors and the mess. If I’d known then what I learned later—that Miss Greenaway and most of Uncle Edgar’s staff knew of his frequent beatings of my aunt—I would have stayed and tried to convince my father.
But I didn’t know, and I couldn’t go on living there, seeing my uncle every day, enduring my father’s disapproval, hiding the nasty secret.
” His voice broke. “And I had murdered her. All I wanted was escape.”
Moving to sit beside him, she took his hand in hers. He squeezed it so tightly she was sure she’d bear the imprint of his fingers later.
“Of course, Father took my flight as ample demonstration of my guilt,” he went on. “It was a stupid thing to do, but then I was only nineteen. I hadn’t yet learned to think before acting. If I had, she’d still be alive today.”
She couldn’t stand his self-deprecation any longer. “You must stop blaming yourself for it, my love. Your actions were perfectly understandable.”
His bleakly staring eyes told her that her words had changed nothing for him.
“Understandable or not, I deprived two children of their mother. I daresay my poor cousins don’t much care how it happened.
” He released her hand and stared out the opposite window.
“As far as they’re concerned, I murdered her as surely as if I’d put a gun to her head. ”
She started to protest, then realized that wasn’t how to reach him. “You’re saying that an accidental death is the same as a murder.”
“The result is the same, isn’t it?” he ground out.
“Well then, you have even more crimes on your conscience.”
“What do you mean?”
“You raped me, didn’t you?”
“What!” He swung his head around to glare at her. “You said yourself you wanted—”
“It doesn’t matter if I wanted it or not. ‘The result is the same.’ Isn’t that what you said? I’m no longer a virgin, so it follows that you raped me, because rape and seduction and mutual lovemaking all have the same results, do they not? ”
He was silent a long moment, the muscles of his face so taut that she feared they might snap. “I see what you’re trying to do, but it won’t work. You can’t banish my guilt with rhetoric.”
“I’m not trying to banish it. Soften it perhaps, but not banish it. If I could banish it with only a few words, your character would be faulty indeed.” She laid her hand on his knee again. “I’m only asking that you let me share it, help you learn to live with it.”
A shudder passed through him. “I have no right to expect that of you,” he said hoarsely. “When you married me, you didn’t know what darkness lay inside me. By not telling you about it, I gave you no chance to refuse it. No one would fault you for leaving me now that you know the truth.”
“Why would I wish to leave the man I love?”
“Damn it, the man you said you loved isn’t the man you’re married to!” He shoved her hand off his knee. “I may not be the philanderer you thought, but I am unprincipled and unscrupulous. I don’t deserve you or any decent woman!”
His gaze left hers to stare blindly out of the carriage.
“I should never have married. If I hadn’t been so certain that Uncle Edgar would destroy Chesterley, I would never have sought a wife.
That’s why I actively tried to choose a woman who’d marry me for other considerations, so she wouldn’t be devastated when she learned of my true character.
” An anguished sound escaped him. “Then you came along, and I was so tempted by you ... I justified my actions by telling myself that you had no future—”
“Which was the truth!” she broke in.
“No. I could have helped you without marrying you. And there was that damned Masefield—”
“He would never have married me, and you know it. I certainly didn’t want to marry him.
Not when I could have you.” She tucked her hand beneath his bent arm.
“And can’t you see how all your care in choosing a wife proves your goodness?
An unscrupulous man would have taken any wife who served his purpose.
But you did your duty while also trying to protect the women you courted. ”
“The way I protected you? My God, look at how I’ve treated you. I manipulated you, lied to you, forced you to marry me—”
“If we compare mistreatments, my darling, I fear I’ll fare as poorly as you.
” A lump caught in her throat. “You had this terrible secret inside, and I did everything to bring it to light. My actions were motivated by emotions as reckless and thoughtless as yours, except that I don’t have the excuse of youth or attenuating circumstances to soothe my guilt.
Yet I can still ask for your forgiveness and go on. Why can’t you?”
He swung his head around to gaze at her uncertainly. “What I did is so much worse. You say it doesn’t matter, but after you’ve considered all its implications—”
“I will still love you. Once my heart has decided something, it doesn’t alter, and my heart is quite certain what it feels about you.”
Picking up her hand, he stared down at it. “You’re forgetting that this isn’t over yet. If for some reason, we don’t have a son in the prescribed time, we lose Chesterley.”
She took heart from the fact that he said we. “When I met you I had less than nothing. So how could I complain about having only nothing?”
A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “You have the strangest way of looking at things.”
“Which is why you love me.” The second she said the words, she wished them unsaid. He hadn’t ever said he loved her, after all.
But he lifted his head, eyes clear and steady. “I do love you, you know. More than anyone in my life. I shouldn’t say it and bind you further to me, but it’s true. And the thought of losing you tortures me.”
“Oh, Ian,” she said, so happy she could hardly contain it, “you’ll never lose me!”
His fingers gripped hers tightly. “Listen to me, Felicity. There are other ramifications of the fight with my uncle. If we don’t fulfill the terms of the will, I intend to fight it.
He’s already sucked his own estate dry; I won’t let him do the same to Chesterley.
But that would mean contesting the will in court, and with a public forum, there’s always a risk that this story may come out. ”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“There’s more. If we do fulfill the terms, my uncle may retaliate.
Until you told me what he said to you, I hadn’t realized how far he’d go to stop me from inheriting.
He’s a coward—all bullies are—which is why he has confined himself to telling tales to women I’ve courted.
But if he finds he has nothing to lose, there’s no predicting what he’ll say.
You may discover yourself cut off from society, your husband vilified, and your children pitied.
I love you too much to want that for you. ”
“And I love you too much to let you face it alone.” She squeezed his hands.
His eyes searched hers a long moment. “You seem determined on this course. Very well. Here’s what I propose.
At tonight’s ball there will be speculation—some of it distasteful—about why we married so quickly.
The old rumors about me will circulate again, thanks to our wedding.
If you find you can endure the most vicious gossip—though I know it’s only a fraction of what could occur later in our marriage—I’ll speak to you no more of separation or divorce. ”
She bristled. “I don’t need this test to know I want to remain married to you.”
“Don’t look at it as a test.” He smiled wanly.
“It’s your last chance to escape. Though it will tear my heart out to watch you leave, I can endure it if it means your happiness.
” His solemn gaze bore into hers. “But if you decide after tonight to remain with me, I’ll never let you go, do you hear?
You'll be stuck with me for all our lives no matter what my uncle tries. So make your decision carefully.”
“I will. And now you listen to me, Lord St. Clair. When I give you my decision after tonight, you must abide by it. No more of this ‘I know what’s best for you’ and ‘you might regret it.’ We’ll start afresh, two people who love each other and who married for that reason alone.”
He hesitated, then sighed. “As always, you drive a hard bargain.”
“Then you agree?”
Bending his head, he pressed a fervent kiss to their clasped hands. “Yes, my love. I agree.”