Chapter 4 Spring #4
“She’s…” Elana wasn’t sure how to answer it. They didn’t want to know that Nessa made Elana’s heart race. They wanted to know about the monster. “When she eats, her mouth opens so wide. Wider than any mouth you’ve ever seen before.”
It shouldn’t have been possible but the twins’ eyes grew even rounder. “You saw her eat shadows?”
Elana nodded. “I tried some, too.”
“No way!” the boys breathed together. “What was it like?”
Elana shook her head, smiling softly. “Not like any food I’ve ever had before. Have you ever put a copper coin on your tongue?”
Both boys nodded.
“Imagine that taste, and add some maple sugar floss for good measure.”
“Weird,” said Michel, just as Edward added, “Gross.”
Of course, it wasn’t that simple, and it wasn’t gross. It was the most enchanting thing Elana had put in her mouth, with the exception of Nessa herself. But she couldn’t say that out loud.
“Well I think Marcus is a dingus,” said Edward haughtily.
“And you’re a hero,” added Michel.
“And you should eat, so Mama knows you’re okay. She’s worried.” Edward glanced at the plate.
Both boys watched as Elana nibbled a few bites of food, but she felt sick with worry about what Marcus might do and it was difficult to eat.
She looked out the bedroom window with longing.
More than anything, she wanted Nessa. Wanted her firm arms to hold her tight and let her know that no matter what happened with Marcus, it was right between Nessa and her.
She looked down at her ankle, where the cuff, though soft and wide, still seemed to chafe.
Marcus had locked it up tightly, and even though her hands were free she knew she couldn’t unlock the chain.
The key was nowhere to be seen, and even if she could escape, where would she go?
To Nessa? Marcus would simply follow her again, bring her back again.
To the village, where everyone thought her strange, and the first person to see her new shadow might turn her over to the temple?
Out of the valley all together? Perhaps there were other places in the world where she could be in love with a shadow woman and it would be okay. But how would she cross the treacherous mountain passes on her own?
It seemed impossible.
But she sucked in a deep breath and looked at the boys. They thought she was a hero. Quietly, without confronting Marcus, but still. Their belief in her was not nothing.
She could never have forsaken her family to be with Nessa.
She wanted both.
How could she possibly escape Marcus and his hatred? How could she convince him to change?
It seemed impossible because it was impossible. She had told Marcus precisely that she couldn’t change. So probably, he couldn’t either.
How was Elana supposed to be happy?
Sadly, she thanked her brothers for the food and sent them out to return the plate to Mama, turning her back to the door as they left. She should have been cheered by their visit, but it only served to show her just how wide the chasm between her and Marcus had grown.
The sun was beginning to dip toward the mountaintops when the next visitors arrived. A soft knock was the precursor to their appearance, and the door squeaked open again.
“Elana?” It was Mama, and behind her, with his hat in his hands, Papa.
Although Elana thought she must have cried every tear that her body could hold, somehow, another sob choked out of her. “Don’t be mad at me, please.”
“Oh darling,” said her mother, gracefully gliding to the side of the bed, “we aren’t mad at you. We only want you to be happy. We’ve only ever wanted you to be happy.”
Her father nodded emphatically. “It’s just, we’re struggling to understand. The path you’ve chosen can’t be easy. And we want for you to have a life of ease.”
Chosen. As if Elana would choose the desire that crawled under her skin her whole life. As if she would choose something that would infuriate her brother so.
“Your father isn’t wrong. It would be easier for you if you found a husband and settled down with him.” Mama couldn’t seem to meet Elana’s eye. “Was it… was it us? Did we do something to make you think that a marriage like ours isn’t for you?”
Elana’s face went slack and her mouth hung open. “Shadows, no! It is clear to me every day how in love with each other you are.”
Papa put his hand on Mama’s shoulder. Elana could see how his nail beds went white with his firm grip on her, as though holding on to her was holding on to his entire life.
“You haven’t done anything wrong.” Elana breathed out a long sigh. “And for what it’s worth, I don’t think that you think there’s anything wrong with me.” She met their eyes, a challenge in her own.
“No,” said her mother slowly, “I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. But I do think your brother has a point. This valley has been threatened by that monster for a century, and it does seem you’ve chosen it over us.”
“Her.” Elana’s voice grew hard as steel. “I’ve chosen her.”
Papa’s eyes crinkled at the edges with sadness. “Of course, darling. But… until we figure this out…” he gestured at her ankle. At the lock and chain.
“I understand.” Elana let her gaze fall away. She was done talking with them.
They sat for a long time, but Elana never looked back at them, and at last the mattress shifted and their soft footfalls disappeared out the door.
Through her prison window, the sun sank deeper and the night grew sapphire.
When the house quieted, and the last vestiges of movement shifted to stillness, another soft step at her door drew Elana’s attention.
She knew it was only another family member come to talk to her, and she didn’t look toward the door.
There wasn’t anything else they could say.
How could she love them so much and have them be so very wrong?
Her mattress shifted again and warm night air brushed her skin as the blankets pulled away from her. She looked at last, as Josie settled in beside her, threading their fingers together and holding her hand.
For a long while she lay with her sister, just feeling the way it used to feel to have someone to share secrets with in the night. But she didn’t know if she could share these secrets with Josie, so she waited, barely breathing, for her sister to say something.
“Do you remember,” Josie whispered at last, “when I told you I’d fallen in love twice since last Tuesday?”
Elana stifled a laugh, nodding into the darkened room.
“I’m sorry,” her sister continued. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you the truth then.”
Elana fully turned to Josie, shifting to lay on her side in the bed. “What do you mean, you didn’t tell the truth?”
“Well that part was true,” Josie breathed. “I did fall in love twice that week. But once was with Geoffry, and the other time wasn’t with Gabriel. I only said Gabriel to try and get under your skin.”
Elana watched Josie twist a lock of blond hair around one finger, the repetitive motion soothing. She had never cared about Gabriel anyhow. “Who was the other time with?” she asked at last.
Josie closed her eyes and breathed out long and soft. “It was with Allison LeFleur. She kissed me behind the schoolhouse. Not just a sisterly peck on the cheek. Not just a kiss between friends.”
Elana kept quiet, afraid that anything she said now would break the soft spell of her sister’s confession.
“I know I fall in love very easily,” said Josie, her voice thick with unshed tears.
“And with… everyone. I love everyone. And I don’t know whether I’d like to make my life with a Geoffry, or an Allison, but I don’t ultimately think that matters.
” She sounded more sure with each word that fell from her lips.
Turning on her side so that she and Elana were face to face, she grasped her sister’s hands.
“The point is, I don’t get to choose. I don’t choose who to fall in love with, Elana.
And I know you didn’t choose this for yourself.
You can’t choose who you love, you can only choose what you do with that love. ”
“That’s easy for you to say,” said Elana softly. “You are not tied to a bedpost.” She understood Josie’s sentiment, but still felt bitter that Marcus had entrapped her so.
Josie shook her head. “I don’t know what it will mean for you, when Marcus returns from the temple. But even if I am on your side only quietly, that’s where I am.” She sat up and kissed Elana’s forehead before disappearing out the door.
Elana wondered if Luc would come visit, or if he was too stuck in his own teenage angst. For a long while, she lay in the dark, thinking through everything.
She knew sleep wouldn’t come for her that night, because stronger than ever, the desire for the well, for Nessa, coursed beneath her skin like wildfire.
It grew late, and the darkness crept softly through her room on padded feet.
She was so tired she was no longer certain what was real and what wasn’t.
Cool fingers on her cheeks, tracing the puffy tracks her tears had taken; slippery smooth darkness running down her arms, almost like a lover’s hands; and finally, firm tugging at her ankle that brought her violently and fully aware.
“It’s me, Bright One.”
Elana sat up, rubbing her palms into her eyes. “How are you here?”
There was no light in the room, yet somehow Elana had no trouble seeing Nessa. She was a shape of extra dense darkness, and even without the relief of moonlight or starlight, Elana could see the bold, clear void of her eyes.
“I go where I wish,” said Nessa. “I always have.”
“And you wish to be here with me, captive once again?”
Nessa shook her head, running tendrils of shadow over Elana’s feet and lower leg. Her cool touch was soothing on the bruised, tender skin around her slender ankle.
“You could have done it, you know. You could have brought me to the village. The outcome would have been exactly the same, and at least I’d have had that moment of joy.”