34. Konnor
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
konnor
I can’t look away. I know I’m probably acting like a fucking creep, but I watch her every step in case she falls. Not literally. But… I can’t shake the memory of my fingers inside her as she processed whatever that fucker did to her.
My jaw clenches.
Teeth ache.
So, I watch her. As we arrive at her dorm to grab another overnight bag. As she tries to explain what we are doing and why we might be gone for a few days, Elise’s eyes become saucers.
I’m not sure I can hear much at the moment. I’m as sober as I’ve ever been, my hands trembling, eyes losing focus on her. But I’m trying not to drink. Her deadbeat father used to drink. I won’t. Can’t.
“Okay, you can come.”
Wait. What?
“I’ll grab my things!” Elise announces, rushing around her dormitory, around Blesk who owns my gaze.
So, Elise is coming… Blesk looks at me. I am still looking at her.
She approaches me slowly, loose strands of blonde hair moving around her face, her eyes softening when she stops in front of me.
I don’t move. She grabs my hand, no, my fist. I am fisting my hands.
She kisses my knuckles, doesn’t say relax, just acknowledges that I am not.
I exhale hard.
“Right! Ready!” Elise calls.
Fine—after how emotionally drained I am from last night, I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea.
But then we leave their dorm, and there is more. More fucking eyes on me as I try to keep my shit together.
Jax is waiting in his Prado, the engine idling. "Should probably take the Prado,” he says through the window, arm slung over the edge. “Your beamer isn't comfortable at all.”
I grunt with minor annoyance. "Fine, but I'm driving." Seemed like a good idea in that second, because I need activity to get my mind off… just off.
Gardier Prison is a three-hour drive from campus. As I sit in the driver's seat, it's hard to shake the memory of her sobs, her body as she— Not in a good way, either. And I fucking hate that most of all. I mean… I love her. I will do this. She’s not okay. I will be what she needs.
Jax clears his throat, cutting into my thoughts. “Everyone is always going on about Shakespeare! I get it, the dude was good, but seriously, in high school, all I ever heard about was bloody Shakespeare." He slams his boots down onto the dashboard and opens a packet of crisps.
I squeeze the wheel.
“Shakespeare coined more words than anyone else. He literally wrote ten percent of our vocabulary,” Elise argues. “The man deserves the mention.”
“Yeah, it was easier back then,” Jax says, “Hardly anyone could afford education and the educated had a lot to be desired. Fucking inbreds. We have more competition than Shakespeare ever did.”
I scoff. “He didn’t write my dictionary.”
“What, the Psycho Dictionary?” Elise cracks up, and I feel my hands loosen on the wheel. I think… Yeah. I’m smiling a little now.
“The Australian Dictionary, Elise,” Jax offers very matter-of-factly. “Konnor and I speak Aussie. Where we add an 'O' to the end of certain words. Get it, kiddo?” Jax laughs as he knocks me with his elbow.
I smirk. “Give us a demo?”
“Haven’t you already heard most of them, Kono?” Jax says, feeding chips into his greedy mouth.
“Dunno, Jaco, I wasn’t really listening to your convo,” I reply, shifting gear to the take the next corner.
“That is because you can’t concentrate when you’re sober. So let’s stop at the bottlo. Everyone knows Kono is an alco.” Jax grins at me with a mouthful of crushed up chips.
Cheeky motherfucker…
I scowl at him. “Righto, but we’ll still need to stop at the Servo in the arvo—”
“Stop talking, you deros. You’re making me aggro.” Elise smacks both of our headrests from the backseat. Jax and I look at each other and for a long moment, something passes between us. A truce. An understanding. I nod.
He nods.
That’s that.
Am I forgiven?
We drive, my fingers loose and easy on the wheel, but I am fucking hot. Mist gathers on my brow, reminding me that a chilled bourbon would fix everything.
Elise and Jax continue to verbally abuse each other—or flirt—whatever.
I glance in the rear-view mirror and catch a glimpse of Blesk.
Her cheek rests on Elise’s shoulder. Her blonde hair spreads out around her.
Her eyes are closed to the world and her headphones are in.
She bobs her head to an inaudible beat, her fingers doing that thing where they strum the air.
She looks… content. Like last night is over. I haven’t seen this look on her before. I look back at the road. Back her. Back at the road. Fuck. What is she listening to? Whatever it is, I want to learn how to hum it, sing it, find it at any given moment so that her face is always like that.
I pull over into the strip lane, slowing us to a standstill with more force than intended.
“What the hell?” Jax says.
I spin in my seat and look at Elise and Jax. “I can’t concentrate. I need to sit next to Blesk... Elise, get up front.”
Elise and I jump out and cross each other at the front of the car, as traffic moves by us.
I climb in to see Blesk has woken from her music coma and is sitting up, observing us intently. She grins at me, her tongue coming out between her teeth. She mouths, “hi.” As if I am also listening to music.
I have to have it. I lean in and suck her tongue into my mouth, pulling her into me.
I can feel the vibrations of her hum against my lips and chest as she melts against me.
Sliding my hand up into her hair, I deepen our kiss.
I don’t think about bourbon. Not while she’s kissing me.
She is sweeter. I love her lips, the moans that escape them, and the way her tongue massages mine.
I just love absolutely everything about our kiss and everything about her.
As the car moves forwards, we break our kiss so I can get my belt on. Motioning with my hand, I signal for her to take out one of her earplugs. She grins at me, tugging a plug from her ear.
“What are you listening to, Duch?”
“The Lumineers,” she says, smile soft, eyes sparkling. Music, Konnor. I have to play more music for her. It’s how her soul breathes.
She brushes my hair away from my ear and puts the loose earplug in it.
She kisses my cheek, then rests her head on my shoulder.
Nestling into me, she relaxes. I wrap my arm around her and pull her as close as possible, kissing her forehead.
I can hear the two miscreants bickering in the front seat, but Blesk doesn’t seem to mind.
Her expression is perfectly content, and now she is in my arms.
With that expression.
She hooks her leg over mine as if she also wants to be tangled. Forever. She has never looked more beautiful than she does right now, bopping her head to the beat only we can hear, in her yoga pants, in her singlet, barefooted, and with no makeup on, but not because she is beautiful.
Because she’s at peace.
We are still a kilometre away when it appears through the side window, and my mouth goes dry.
My eyes widen.
I’ve seen prisons in movies, obviously, but that didn’t prepare me. Not for the fences, how many there are, stacked like dominoes. Not for the barbed wire at the top. Not for the people trapped inside.
The beach at Normandy.
Yep.
I’d rather be there.
We pull into the visitor’s parking bay and my vision blurs, head heavy on my neck. I look at my hands. There they are. But… But I can’t feel them.
I touch my face. There it is, but I can’t feel it. I press my palm to my chest, yep and no… I can’t feel anything inside. I can’t find the air. I can’t find it. Fuck.
Jaxon and Elise twist in their seats to look at me, and Jax’s mouth opens, saying something. Elise’s hand reaches towards me. I watch all of this from a place deep and soundless behind my own eyes.
I turn to Blesk. Blesk’s lips are shaping words—one syllable, two—and I squint at them. Then her hand finds my leg, and the car fills up all at once with every sense—the engine, a bird, wind against glass, and all three of them, right in my ear.
Fucking loud.
“Slater?” “Konnor?” “Wake up.” “What’s going on?”
“Konnor, baby.” Blesk places her palms on either side of my face and kisses my forehead. I force my hand away from my chest. Her lips touch my cheek. My chin. Each one lands, draws me back, slowly. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to need her like this.
“Stop.” I turn my face away. “I’m fine.”
She doesn’t move her hands away or look away like I am something horrific to watch fall apart. My shoulder twitches to shrug her off again, but I don’t. Then her mouth is on mine, and I stop thinking. I just stop. My hands find her face, in her hair, gripping her, involuntarily.
She breaks our kiss. I gasp for air, pulling back.
“Shh, baby.” She draws me in against her chest, her hand moving in slow circles on my back.
Breathe, Konnor.
Finally I find word. “I don’t think I can move, Duch.” My voice sounds strange, like it isn’t my own. “I’m trying to move my feet. I’m trying to, but they won’t budge. I’m supposed to look after you and I can’t even move right now. I can’t go in there.”
She strokes my hair. “I’ll go in.”
Jax grimaces. “What the hell is going on with you, Konnor? That’s fucking the last thing!” He jumps from the car and slams the door behind him.
“Jax!” I call after him.
He turns away from us; stare fixed somewhere out across the field. His hands find the back of his head, drag forward through his hair. I watch him and feel the weight of everything I haven’t told him. Fuck, I need a drink.
“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him.” Elise pats my arm and swings open the car door. Through the glass I watch her approach Jax. I can’t hear them. She puts a hand on his back. His arms come up while he talks; his head goes side to side; she nods slowly, reassuringly.
I look back at Blesk. “You can’t go in there.”
She sighs, big brown eyes glimmering as the sun carves into the backseat. “I can.”
“It’s a mistake.”
“We need answers.”
“Not like this.”
“I’m going in.”
Hell no.