Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
W ell, it could have gone worse, I suppose.
Eryx could have killed me. He could have not sat down with me to begin with. I could have never found his list of names.
But we’re finally getting somewhere. And I know something of his plans. I just need more proof.
And I need to convince the fake duke to have another go-around. He needs to open up more. To feel safe. To let me in the way he has both Argus and Dyson. Never mind that making him miserable made me feel miserable. This is what’s best for me.
But now he’s not talking to me.
“Eryx,” I call out as he’s leaving the study the next day.
“No,” he says before disappearing down the hallway.
Argus steps in front of me when I try to follow.
At dinner, he has his “valets” sit beside him, not bothering with pretenses any longer. The three of them chat like the best friends they are while they pointedly ignore me.
Dyson shares some story about when his childhood friend growing up broke his nose. “He only found out the next day it had been all a misunderstanding. I didn’t actually kiss Calandra Karahalios.”
Argus and Eryx burst into laughter, the first man slapping the table. I narrow my eyes at the gesture, but not one of the three men pays me a lick of attention.
There’s an enormous surge in my bank account, despite everything. Eryx regularly deposits large sums. I don’t know if he thinks he’s buying my silence or paying me to stay away from him. Regardless, we’ve come to no formal agreement, so I’ve no intention of doing either.
About a week later, a letter arrives to distract my efforts. My sister actually sent me a response. I hold it between my fingers for several minutes before finally opening it.
Dear Chrysantha (no honorifics are necessary in our letters),
I hate reading. I can’t think of anything more dull, but I’m glad you have something to do in the countryside. I suppose it’s unsurprising that life at court holds no more excitement for you. You were able to spend all the days of your youth attending parties and balls and other functions, while I was forced to stay at home and hear about them after the fact.
I was sick of being ignored by everyone simply because I was the second daughter. There are some real words for you. I don’t think our childhoods could have been any other way when society was made for you while hindering me.
There’s a little scratch on the parchment, as though she wasn’t quite sure what to say next, before adding,
I’ve spent so long resenting you. A lot of things were out of your control, but some were within your control. You could be so cruel with your words. The only way to protect myself was to cease caring about you at all.
I’ve taken some time to consider it, and I’ve decided to stop resenting you. I am glad my life turned out the way it did. I became who I am because of you. You, Father, Hektor—you all played a part in shaping me. I turned into not only an excellent queen but also a woman who goes after what she wants by any means necessary.
You and I, we did what we could to survive. I’ve found my happiness and peace. It seems that you are close to finding yours as well.
So I will play nice, for now. If I catch any whiff of deceit from you, then I’m done—for good this time.
Love has made all the difference. Having Kallias changed everything, and I can only hope that you find that for yourself, too.
I’m sorry about your lover. I’ve heard rumors that the new duke is the reason for his disappearance from your life. I don’t know if he fears having a worldly woman living under his roof or what the issue may be, but I will not allow that to continue. I changed the laws for a reason, and if he isn’t respecting that, then you tell him he will have me to deal with.
How is Zanita’s, by the way? I’ve heard it’s a marvelous place. If I weren’t happily married, I’d investigate it myself.
All my best,
Alessandra
I retrieve a blank parchment and immediately scribble a reply.
Alessandra,
I wish we could have swapped our roles. I would have loved to stay at home and receive no attention. I thought the only way to survive was to stomach it and find an ideal situation for myself. I am sorry I did not give more consideration to you. Thank you for sharing that pain with me so I can better understand.
Here is another truth. I was so jealous of you. The way you were so free and ignored, left to your own devices. You had real relationships, and I was left thinking I would be soiled goods if I didn’t do exactly as Father wanted. I wish I could have been like you. With your edicts, you really are changing women’s lives for the better. You saw the good you could do with your power, and I am proud of you for it.
Zanita’s is marvelous. I highly recommend it. Thank you for the threat I can use on the duke should he become too bothersome. And remember, if ever the king does anything to upset you, you can threaten him with visiting Zanita’s.
I hope she takes that as the joke it’s meant to be.
It’s okay. Reading isn’t for everyone. What do you do for fun aside from sewing? I hope you are able to take some time for yourself, despite how busy you must be.
Sincerely,
Chrysantha
I send it off with Doran that day.
“ T HIS ONE WAS MY FAVORITE YET,” Karla says at the next book club gathering.
“Agreed,” Tekla responds, and the two sigh contentedly.
I will admit, this one was perhaps the most romantic tome we’ve read for book club, and that’s really saying something, considering that’s basically all we read. Even Damasus chooses books with romance in them, even if the main plot is a high-stakes adventure.
“I don’t think I really understood the romance in this one,” I say. Though the steamy scenes were excellent, they didn’t feel earned with the buildup to them.
“What’s not to understand?” Damasus asks. “The two men were smitten with each other from the start.”
I raise a brow. “They hated each other at the start.”
“Exactly,” Karla and Tekla say in unison. They turn to each other and laugh at the coincidental timing.
“Hate is not love.”
“Of course not,” Tekla says, “but it’s remarkable how often the two coincide.”
I’m brought up short. Did we all read the same book? Surely we cannot be talking about the same thing.
“They’re both such strong emotions,” Karla says.
“That doesn’t make them the same emotion. They’re on opposite ends of the spectrum!” My voice comes out louder than I intend. So I tack on a “Pardon my outburst.”
“I don’t mean that they blur because they’re so strong,” Karla says.
“Then what do you mean?” I ask.
“When you hate someone so fiercely, they have to be worthy of that hatred. You wouldn’t ardently hate someone who was beneath your notice or someone who didn’t compare to you in wits or charisma. You have to be on equal grounds to hate someone so much. And that level of hate inherently comes with a level of respect. You’re recognizing that they’re an actual threat. That they compare to you.”
Tekla nods vehemently. “And when that level of hatred comes with that level of respect, it’s all too easy for that passion to turn from one form to another.”
The hair at the back of my neck stands on end, and goose bumps erupt on my arms. I do a quick look around the library. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say someone was watching us.
“I had never thought of it that way,” Damasus says. “I rather like that description.”
“That’s why love stories about enemies turned to lovers are so popular,” Tekla says. “It’s the level of feeling. That intensity. It’s so dynamic.”
“Of course,” Karla says, “not all heated relationships need to start off that way.” She looks sheepishly at Tekla. “Friendship is just as good and powerful of a start for a courtship.”
“Definitely,” Tekla says. The girls’ eyes meet, and Damasus and I hurry to look elsewhere.
My eyes land on two amber orbs floating above the dark crevice of a row of books, but I blink and they’re gone.
I keep my voice from quivering as I say, “I thought the two men in the story were awful to each other. The words exchanged, the closed fists that were thrown—how can you really come back from something like that?”
“Do not siblings treat each other abominably when they truly love each other deep down? Can’t two lovers do the same?” Karla asks.
“No,” I assert. “No, love should be soft and caring. It should be given without insults and antagonism.”
“What world are you living in?” Damasus asks with humor.
Karla laughs. “One where the duchess pays men for favors. For her, love is only present when she’s the one in control.”
Tekla pinches her arm.
“What?” Karla asks.
And then she sees my face.
“I’m sorry, Your Grace. That was a joke. I didn’t mean—”
“What do you know about love?” I snap. “You two have been making eyes at each other, but you’re both too afraid to actually start something. At least I go after what I want!”
The girls’ cheeks heat, and Damasus rounds on me. “Your Grace, I don’t think that was appro—”
“And you! You’ve been single as long as I can recall, Damasus, so what do you know?”
The butler’s eyes darken. “I do not experience attraction the way others do, but that does not mean that I don’t like reading these books and discussing them. When did this meeting turn so sour?”
I glance around the room, looking for those eyes, wondering if I’m seeing them because they’re really there or because getting rid of Eryx has become an obsession. The duke can’t really be listening in, can he?
When I don’t see them anywhere, I relax. No, of course he’s not anywhere. He has much better things to do than listen in on a silly discussion of a romance novel. I’m simply overtaxed by everything that’s happened in the last month.
And my friends are not the ones I’m angry with. I’m frustrated with myself for expending too many of my thoughts on a fake duke.
“I apologize for my harsh words,” I say, first looking each of the girls in the eye, and then the butler. “I’m not myself today, but that’s no excuse. You are my friends, and you deserve better treatment. It shan’t happen again.”
“I didn’t mean for what I said to come out the way it did,” Karla says, her eyes not once daring to look at Tekla. “You were so mistreated by the late duke. No one thinks poorly of you for your choices. We all do what we must to survive. To find happiness. I think that looks different for everyone.”
Though her hand trembles, Tekla reaches out until her fingers grasp Karla’s. The second girl doesn’t pull away.
“Damasus, I have something I’d like to discuss with you out in the hallway,” I say abruptly.
“Of course, Your Grace.”
We both leave the library, and Damasus doesn’t bother asking if I truly need something when we close the doors behind us. He departs one way, and I flee in the other direction.
I feel wretched for my behavior. My hatred of Eryx is no excuse to take out my irritation on my staff. I need to be better. I’ll give the girls the rest of the day off so they can spend some time alone together, figuring out what they want from each other. And Damasus could use another raise.
Then I remember I have to speak with Eryx before I can make changes like that, unless I want to pull the money from my personal stipend.
My temper flares again, and I shut myself in my room so no one need witness it.
I DON ’ T LET E RYX STEW FOR longer than a few more days before I visit him in the one place where he cannot escape me.
“Bloody hell!” he shouts after I kick his mattress. He groans when he sees I’ve entered his dream yet again.
“How do you keep finding your way here? No, why do you keep finding your way here?”
“You’re avoiding me.”
“I do that when I don’t want to see you.”
I stare at my fingernails. “I appreciate the deposits to my account, but I cannot do my part of the bargain if you won’t let me help you practice some more.”
“You and your bargains. I don’t want them anymore. Just take my money and do what you want with it. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”
“Why? I thought we made real progress when we practiced together. I brought out the monster, and you reined him back in.”
Eryx flexes his fists. “I wanted to rip your throat out for the things you said.”
“So that’s the real reason you won’t try again? I hurt your feelings? You know I didn’t mean any of it. I was only trying to rile you.”
“I know that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“There isn’t one.”
“Great, then I shall see you first thing after breakfast for our next lesson.”
“Chrysantha!”
“What?”
He stands, tucking the comforter in at his waist. It doesn’t go willingly. Finally, he just holds the whole thing at his side as he crosses the cloud-covered floor to reach me.
“I can’t do them anymore,” he says.
“Why?”
“Because… you—”
“Yes?”
“You remind me of my mother.”
The words nearly wake me from my own dream. “I what ?”
I can’t remind him of his mother. He’s supposed to want me. He can’t want me if I remind him of his mother. Mothers aren’t sexy.
“You don’t resemble her physically, obviously. But she would try to give me lessons about my form, convincing me to shift, and I don’t like it.”
“She tried to help you control the monster as well?” Is that why she died? Did he snap and kill her finally?
“That’s not what I said.”
“If she wasn’t teaching you control, then why would she…? She wanted you to bring out the monster?”
“Yes, she would try all manner of ways to get me to shift. Just like you did. I don’t want to deal with it again.”
“Why?”
I worry that he won’t answer or that my question was too vague.
Eventually, he looks up.
“My mother raised me for a single purpose. She conceived me for a single purpose, and everything in my life was predetermined by her until we were separated while I served in the army. Even my enlisting was due to her insistence.”
“What did she want from you?”
After a pause, he says, “Vengeance. I was to be her means of exacting vengeance.”
He turns around, heading back for his bed, having said his piece.
My eyes travel to his ass.
Or just above it, rather, where a little triangle of black-violet peaks above the comforter.
The tip of his tail.
My mouth falls open. “Why is it purple?”
Eryx freezes and looks over his shoulder. As soon as his eyes land on it, it winks out of sight. He ignores me as he crawls back into bed.
“No more verbal assaults to get you to shift,” I say. “I can work with that.”
“How do you plan to work with that?”
“You’ve said it before. Angering you isn’t the only way to get you to shift.”
Those amber eyes look at me in surprise as I force myself to wake up.
Let him stew on that thought. Let him toss and turn on his mattress as he thinks on how I intend to make him impassioned and force him to shift.
A large smile stretches across my lips as I return to my room. Next time, I’m not going to seek him out. Oh, no. Eryx is coming to me. I’ve just ensured it.
Feeling proud of myself, I drift off to sleep in my own bed this time.
I’m unsure how long I’m out before a thundering crack echoes in my dreams, but when I shred my eyes open, another loud crash sounds, followed by my door swinging off its hinges and smacking into the ground. At first, I assume it’s Eryx. Who else would have the strength to do such a thing? And he’s so fresh in my mind after yet another visit.
But it is not Eryx filling the hole where my door once stood.