Chapter 25
Nate
New York, afternoon…
Indiana Jones jammed his snout under a bush along the path in Central Park, and after a few seconds of nose-to-ground recon, I tugged on the leash. The dog backed up and continued on the trot-like pace that his little Dachshund legs necessitated as Kat chattered on about something.
It had been three days. Seventy-two hours of not talking, not calling, not seeing her, and not touching her.
Every single one of those hours was killing me.
As if I’d been cruelly excised from her life.
Or maybe I’d been the one who’d done the slicing.
I didn’t know. I couldn’t figure out a damn thing.
I’d gone for long runs in the heat of the late June mornings, I’d logged endless hours at the office, I’d finalized all the arrangements for the travel to Jack’s wedding.
Every second I’d been aware of her absence.
She’d texted me twice. Simple, friendly messages.
One was a photo of a guy roller-skating in newspapers taped around him, and she’d captioned it: Saw this guy on Seventh Avenue.
Eco-friendly Luxe robe option? Then, she’d snapped a shot of a woman in the Times Square subway station who’d painted herself gold and moved robotically for tips.
Only, she was snoozing on a bench. Sleeping on the job, Casey had written.
Innocuous messages. Harmless notes. The kind of texts she’d occasionally sent me before we’d started sleeping together.
I hadn’t received a text like this since we were truly just friends.
She had switched gears so efficiently, from the sweet, sexy, romantic, open, vulnerable and utterly passionate woman to my witty, funny, firecracker of a friend.
I’d responded to both notes in kind, replying with Why stop there?
New staff uniforms! And It must be tiring to move in slow motion.
I scratched my head as Indiana Jones found a new patch of grass to sniff.
This was my one moment of relaxation in the last few days—taking my sister’s dog for a walk as she pushed her girls in a stroller.
Cara had conked out for a late afternoon nap, and Chloe was clapping and shouting doggie at every pooch we passed. Girl after my own canine-loving heart.
“So then Chloe wound up spilling all of it on the floor for Indiana Jones,” Kat said with a laugh, then left a pregnant pause.
I raised my chin and stared quizzically at my sister. Shit. She’d just delivered a punch line to a story and I hadn’t a clue what she’d been talking about. “That’s funny,” I said, trying to recover from the fumble.
She slugged me on the arm, then brought her hands back to the stroller. “You weren’t listening.”
“I was too listening,” I said quickly, reeling off a white lie.
She shook her head at me. “Oh yeah? What did Chloe spill?”
I had no idea. “Milk?” I asked, taking a stab in the dark.
“Busted. It was spaghetti. She thought it was hilarious that the dog was trying to get her food from the high chair.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “Fine. You caught me. I was drifting off.”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d be worried that I’m boring,” she said as we wheeled past a pack of teenage boys tossing a Frisbee across the lawn. “But yet, I do know you, and I’m pretty sure I also know what’s causing your astronomical levels of distraction.”
“What’s causing it?”
“Casey,” Kat said in a matter-of-fact tone, shooting me a pointed look, one that said I’m right and you know it.
“Yeah?”
She nodded. “You’re in that guy state. That moody, irritable guy state that only comes from trouble with a woman. Which tells me you messed up with her.”
My eyebrows shot into my hairline. “Not true. Not true in the least, and why would you say that?”
She nudged me with her elbow as we walked around a curve in the path, heading toward the Fifth Avenue side of the park. “I made an educated guess.”
“Hate to break it to you, but you guessed wrong. I didn’t mess up. She decided she only wanted to be friends. So there you go,” I said.
Kat shot me a doubtful look. “She just wants to be friends? I have a hard time believing that,” she said, bending over the front of the stroller to point out to Chloe a Beagle running alongside his owner.
“And why do you have a hard time with that?”
Kat turned to look me square in the eyes. “Because that woman is in love with you, Nate.”
I stopped in my tracks. My feet were stuck to the concrete. All the sound in the park had been zipped up in her words. Her beautiful, hopeful words. “What?” I said, stumbling on the question.
My sister nodded several times, stopping too. “I saw the two of you at Comet Stadium. And at my house. I’ve seen the way you look at her, and the way she looks at you.”
“How does she look at me?” I asked, and I couldn’t deny that my sister’s words felt exhilarating.
“The same way you look at her,” she said, and it was as if the sun broke free on a rainy day. But still, something didn’t add up.
“Why would she say she only wants to be friends then?”
“Oh, gee. I don’t know. Is it maybe because you give off the I’m-not-over-my-ex vibe?” Kat asked in a singsong voice.
“That’s not true. I’m over her. Completely.” I slashed a hand through the air to emphasize the point.
Kat arched an eyebrow. “Are you, Nate?”
I nodded. I was sure of this. Absolutely sure. “Yes,” I said confidently. Then I lowered my voice because I didn’t like admitting this out loud to anyone but Kat. “Maybe my pride isn’t over it. But the rest of me is. I don’t think about her. I question myself.”
She gripped my arm, squeezing me. “I get it. I understand,” she said softly. “But to the world, it looks more like you’re still hung up on her betrayal when it sounds like you really feel that you betrayed yourself. Maybe it’s time to let that go?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“And look, I’m not dismissing what happened to you or the way your marriage ended. I’m simply saying maybe it’s time to fully jettison the past. We’ve all been wrong before. Doesn’t mean we’re always going to be.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Actually, it is that simple,” she corrected.
“And I know that from experience. Bryan broke my heart when I was younger, though obviously not for the same reasons your marriage ended. His reasons were different, but five years later when we reconnected, I had to make the choice to forgive him. The heavens didn’t split open.
I didn’t wait for a sign. I didn’t see an apparition.
I made a choice to move into the future. You can do the same.”
A choice. It was as simple as putting one foot in front of the other. But could I make that choice? Could I truly choose to shuck off the way I’d lived my life in the last few years? That was the big question.
“So that’s it? Just let it go?” I asked skeptically, miming tossing trash into a garbage can.
She nodded. “Yes, especially since if I’m picking up on the ex-vibes, you can bet Casey is too. Maybe that’s why she said you should just be friends.”
Once more, I nearly froze in place. My sister was turning on the lightbulb in my brain left and right today. “You think Casey assumes I’m not over Joanna?”
“I can’t imagine she’d operate under any other assumption, considering how you sometimes act.
I know dealing with your ex-wife can hurt, but part of letting go is choosing to let go of all of it.
Not just the emotions, which you shed a while ago, but all the residual pain. The anger and the pride too.”
Those were my reliable companions. My armor, and my safe harbor too. They’d served me well, and protected me from falling for any woman who might hurt me.
Until now. Those twin emotions hadn’t held me back when it came to Casey. They hadn’t rescued me from wanting more with her than I’d ever wanted from anyone. But perhaps they had held me back from actually having the guts to go for it.
“You really think she’s that into me?” I asked, returning to a simpler matter.
Kat rolled her eyes, then held up her thumb and index finger to show a sliver of space. “Maybe a little.”
I dropped my arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “A little? C’mon. Feed my ego.”
“Ha. Never. I will never feed your ego. Besides, I already fed it when I told you she feels the same way you do.”
If she felt the same way then I was the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the world. But now I’d have to figure out the hardest part—how to put my heart on the line. Knowing something in my head, and being able to act on it were two different things.