Chapter 51
Nathan
"That you were a soldier’s sister. You knew how important it was for him to give his best for our country. He was insistent. He was filled with a sense of purpose, a sense that this is where he was needed."
"So, you both went on that last mission, and Ben saved your life.”
A ball of emotion clogs my throat, and I nod. She remembers that. She remembers who I am. I was worried that when her memory of what happened to Ben returned, she might forget who I was, but she hasn’t. Thank fuck. I nod slowly.
"The bomb that hurt my hearing on that mission, the one Ben saved me from”—I swallow—“it also injured him.
He was bleeding profusely from a chest wound.
I patched him up. I wanted to carry him to the extraction point, but he insisted on making it on his own steam, so we could carry our dead comrades with us.
Once we got on the chopper, he collapsed. I held his hand on the journey back."
The scent of copper, of burned flesh, of death on the fringes of the space washes over me again. My stomach lurches. Acid burns the back of my mouth, but I choke it down.
"I told him he had to live. I asked him to think of you, and you know what he said?"
She shakes her head, her eyes wide in her pale face.
"He said as long as I was there, he knew you’d be fine.”
Her lips tremble.
“He asked me to look out for you. He made me promise I’d always be there for you.”
“Oh, Ben.” She takes a step back and comes up against the ledge of the window.
Emotion squeezes my chest. I shift my weight from knee to knee.
“He made it back to base, made what seemed to be a full recovery but—" I roll my shoulders. "But he wasn’t ready to return to civilian life. He knew he’d lost his edge and could never be sent on a mission again. It was as if he’d lost his purpose. "
"He survived the mission?" She chews on her lower lip. I keep my gaze off the glistening flesh. Now’s not the time to think of how my cock twitches every time she worries her lip with her teeth.
"He did. But he didn’t want you to know. It was as if he knew his days were numbered."
"What... What happened?"
"They found him on his bed, dressed in his uniform. He’d put a bullet through his head."
"Oh, my god!" She slaps her palms over her mouth.
"It was my fault. I never should have left him alone. I’d stayed by his side throughout everything.
I thought he was getting better. That was the first day I stepped away for a walk.
Turns out, he’d bribed one of the cleaning staff in the hospital to procure a gun.
I should have realized how desperate he was.
He was no longer the cheerful soldier I knew.
He’d become withdrawn, depressed. I should have realized he’d gone into a dark place inside.
I should have helped him. Should have insisted he was watched around the clock. I failed."
That weight in my stomach sinks to my feet. I lower my chin to my chest. "I’m so sorry, Starling. It’s my fault he’s not here. If I could exchange my life for his, I’d do it. If there were anything I could do to take his place, I would."
"Don’t say that."
There’s a touch on my head, and when I look up, she runs her fingers through my hair.
“I’m not sure I would’ve survived your dying," she whispers.
"I live with the guilt of having survived every single day."
She lowers her hand, and this time, when I catch it, she doesn’t pull away.
"I love you, Starling."
She shakes her head. "Yet, you played me. All along, you knew the truth and you never told me."
I set my jaw. "You were fragile. The doctors said your memories could come back at any time, but I had to allow it to happen naturally, on your timetable. I had to protect you from the truth until you were strong enough to face it.”
“You mean, you were waiting until you could use the situation to your advantage by asking me to marry you in return for your helping to save my business.”
I square my shoulders. “No, it wasn’t until I saw you again that I realized I couldn’t continue living without you.
And maybe, it was a bit heavy-handed to push you into a marriage you didn’t want, and I’ll admit, I was being selfish.
But as far as reminding you of the truth, I was warned, if I revealed anything before you were ready, it could make your condition worse.
No matter how much it would have relieved my conscience, I couldn’t burden you.
You were my priority. I had to do everything in my power to ensure you were shielded—"
She purses her lips. “You mean lied to, don’t you?”
I flinch. “I mean, sheltered”—I swallow— “from anything that could upset your already fragile state.
Meanwhile, you had to live life as usual.
It was tough for me to watch you from a distance, but I forced myself to comply.
I knew it was better for you to let things be.
I forced myself to bide my time and not approach you.
Until my grandfather insisted I go to your bakery that day. "
"You knew you were going to see me when you came into the bakery that day?"
I nod.
“But you seemed so angry. So unapproachable. You seemed to resent the fact that you were seeing me again. I was convinced you hated me because I’d thrown myself at you and kissed you the last time we’d met.”
“Not you, me. I hated how much I wanted you when I came face-to-face with you at the bakery. I’d been watching you from afar, but being so close to you”—I draw in a breath— “I realized how much I wanted you in my life. I knew I was going to use the situation to my advantage. I knew I was going to ask you to marry me in return for saving your business. Seeing you forced all of my feelings to the surface. I didn’t want to wait any longer.
What if someone else found you, and I never had another chance?
I couldn’t let that happen. I knew I’d regret it forever.
I thought about coming clean then, on everything—”
“But you didn’t.”
“I couldn’t.” I square my shoulders. “The memories had to come back to you in an organic fashion. I couldn’t risk saying or doing anything that might trigger you.”
Her throat moves as she swallows. Her chin quivers. I see the rejection in her eyes, and my heart seems to shatter.
“Don’t hate me, Starling, please.”
“I... I don’t hate you, Nate. I can’t. Ben wouldn’t have wanted that.”
“And he probably wouldn’t agree with everything I’ve done so far, but I swear, I only had your best interests at heart.”
A tear runs down her cheek.
“Don’t cry, baby, please.” I wipe away the moisture, then cup her cheek.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.
I was sure I’d be able to handle the meeting with you, but seeing you, talking to you, brought back all the guilt I associated with you, and it all snowballed from that.
First, the kiss on your eighteenth birthday—”
“I kissed you,” she reminds me.
“And I kissed you back.” I tip up my chin. “You were a kid—”
“I was eighteen. An adult.”
I firm my lips. “You were my best friend’s little sister. And I took advantage of you.”
“Oh, please, you didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to then. Or now.”
I shake my head. “I thought I’d be able to resist you this time around. My idea was to meet you and tell you I had the money to help your business.”
She scoffs. “I never would’ve accepted it. Not after the way you walked away from me on my eighteenth birthday. You never spoke to me again, until—”
“Until the day I came to your place to tell you about your brother. A day that caused you so much agony, you wanted to block it out of your memory.”
She swallows. Anguish clings to her features.
Every part of me insists I take her in my arms and hold her close to console her.
I lean toward her, then stop. If I do that, I won’t be able to stop myself from carrying her back home and keeping her there until we’ve sorted things out, and...
That would be unfair to her. After everything I’ve said and done, which has complicated both of our lives further, I owe it to her to come clean on all of the facts.
She tugs on her hand, and I release it.
"And the proposal to marry me? What was that about?"
"I saw the opportunity, I took it. I thought we could help each other. I thought I could use the money I had toward some good, while keeping you close. I did not...did not...mean to...”
“Fuck me?”
“To fall for you all over again. I realized living under the same roof as you, there was no way I could keep my distance. Not when everything in me wanted our arrangement to be real. Not when I realized I’d known you were the woman for me from the moment I kissed you.”
She rubs at her temple. "Did… Did Ben know how rich you are?"
"He knew I was independently wealthy, thanks to the investments I made. I was lucky in that. I didn’t need the Davenports’ money.
But when Arthur asked me to return after I left the Marines, I figured, why not?
It was a way of getting to know my half-brothers.
I figured that this was my way to—” I look away, unable to complete my sentence.
When I look back at her, she searches my features. "What are you not telling me? Are you going to hide something else from me, after everything that’s happened?"
I shake my head. "No more lies. No more omissions. I’m going to use my position within the Davenport organization to implode the company. This is my revenge for what they did to my mother."
"So, the reason you’re here is because you wanted to get vengeance for what happened to you and your mother?"
I peer into her face. "The reason I’m here is because of you. Everything else is secondary."
"And yet, you never told me about my brother."