Chapter 49 #2
“You gave her an allowance?” Felix looks shocked.
“—you could continue paying me for a few more years.” She flutters her eyelids. “Just until I get back on my feet.”
“My answer is the same as the last time you asked. Read my lips. It’s a 'no.'”
A sly look comes into her eyes, then she blinks, and it’s gone. As slippery as ever, this one.
"I…" She swallows hard. Her features take on an expression of sadness, one I don’t believe at all.
"I want to make amends,” she pleads.
"A little too late for that. Next?"
Her chin trembles, and if I didn’t know her better, I’d almost believe she's contrite.
"I… I’m sorry I left you. I… I didn’t have a choice.” She wrings her hands.
"Bull-fucking-shit, and if you think I’m buying your nonsense—"
"It… It’s not nonsense. You didn’t care for me the way you did for your career. You… found out I was pregnant, and you never came home to see me during the pregnancy."
Nothing I haven’t heard before, and yet, the ring of truth to it squeezes my guts again. "I was on a mission." I set my jaw. "The fate of the country—"
"And of most of the free world depended on you." She tosses her head. "Good to know your excuses haven’t changed."
"It’s not an excuse; it's the truth.” But if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t make the same choices. I’d ensure I didn't neglect my son. I’d make sure to be there for him emotionally through his growing years.
Felix flinches. I see the anguish on his features and curse myself. I wish he didn’t have to listen to this conversation, but it might be for the best. He’s grown up. It’s best he listens to what his mother has to say. It’s best he sees her true colors himself.
The father in me wants to save him from the truth. But the soldier in me knows he needs to face the reality of the situation.
So, I shove aside my feelings and glower at the woman standing in front of me with a pleading expression on her face.
“You knew who I was when you met me. You knew my duty to my country came first."
"You mean, your duty to building your career and feeding your own ego?” She huffs.
"Good to know your arguments haven’t varied after all these years." I bare my teeth.
She draws herself to her full height. "I did not come to be insulted by you."
I place my fingertips together. “No, you came to demand more money. And I’ve already told you, I’m not giving you any.”
Felix shakes his head. “I can’t believe that you never wanted to meet me. You had no interest in seeing me grow up? You had no curiosity about how I was, or how I looked, or how I was faring?”
She lowers her chin, but not before the guilt in her expression is evident.
“Oh, my God.” He rubs his forehead. “All this time, I made up this fantasy about you returning someday to claim me. Fuck! How could I have been that na?ve?”
“Felix.” She takes a step in his direction.
He moves back. “Don’t... Please. I... I need to figure this out.”
“I’m sorry”—she swallows—“truly. I'm sorry I left and couldn’t deal with being a mother. But I’m back and I want to make amends.” She blinks rapidly. “Uh... Also, I came because I need you both to hear this from me.” She hunches her shoulders and nervousness lurks at the edge of her gaze.
For the first time since I’ve known her, she looks uncertain. She glances away, refusing to meet my gaze, and the hair on the nape of my neck rises.
"What is it? What the fuck have you done?” I growl.
"Good old Quentin, so quick to pass judgement on me.” She half laughs. “Sometimes, I’m not sure why we even got together."
“Don’t stall. Whatever it is you’re here to say, spit it out already,” I snap.
Sweat lines her forehead. She looks from Felix to me, then back to Felix. "I… I had an affair when you were gone."
So, my suspicions were right. I set my jaw. When I stay silent, she shuffles her feet. "There’s more.” She looks away then back at me. “Felix... Uh, he’s not your son.”
“I’m not sure I heard that right.” I begin to laugh, then I see the look on her face and realize she’s serious. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You’re joking.” Felix pales, gazing at his mother with a trust she never earned. I want to go to him and shake him, so he sees her true colors. Though the way Shiloh is going, I don’t need to do anything.
“This can’t be true.” He shakes his head. “Tell me, mother. Tell me it’s not true. This is your way at getting back at Quentin, right?”
She stays silent.
His face falls further. He turns to me with an uncomprehending look on his face. “What... What is she saying, Dad?”
He called me Dad. He hasn’t called me that since he was a teen.
A heaviness squeezes my chest. A thick sensation coats my throat.
I want to go to him and put my arms around him and console him.
I take a step in his direction, but he’s looking at me with such shock, my heart slams into my ribcage.
It feels like a gun has gone off in my chest.
I can’t believe she’d do this to him. I can’t believe she walked in here and set off that emotional bomb without any warning. Typical Shiloh, never one to consider how the repercussions of her actions would affect our son.
I turn on her. “Tell us everything. Don’t hold anything back, you hear me?” I snap.
She nods, then swallows hard. "Felix was born six weeks premature." She addresses this comment to me.
I frown. "How does that—" I join the dots in my head. "Are you telling me you knew you were with child the time I visited you between tours? Which was the only time I was home, and which is when I assumed you fell pregnant?"
She nods, then lowers her chin to her chest. "I… I couldn’t tell you."
"So, you let me believe I was the father?" I clench my jaw.
"I didn’t know what else to do. I was confused. No one else knew. It seemed best not to bring it up."
"All this time"—Felix shakes his head—"you let me believe he was my father?"
"I am your father." I glare at him. "You’re my son, whether we’re blood-related or not. This doesn’t change anything, you understand?"
Felix’s lips are set. He runs his fingers through his hair.
There is a serious look about his eyes, one that suddenly makes him seem more mature.
My son is turning into a man in front of my eyes.
"That’s very decent of you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to find out who my biological father is.
" He jerks his chin in Shiloh’s direction.
"Who was he?"
"He was a chef. I met him when I went to his restaurant with my friends. It was supposed to be a one-night stand, but lasted a month. We broke up when he moved away."
I squeeze the edge of my desk with such force, the wood cracks. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"I thought"—she squares her shoulders—"I thought I owed it to the two of you to know the truth." She moves toward me. "I thought"—she reaches out to cup my cheek, and I’m in shock from what she revealed, so I don’t move away—"I thought we could try again, to be a family."
A tremor of disquiet ripples down my spine. Something draws my attention to the doorway. I glance up to see Raven standing there.