Chapter 46 #2
She looks at me with a hint of surprise and recognition. "I don’t either. I have a sweet tooth, but when it comes to my tea, I prefer the natural bitter taste."
"Me too," I swallow. This…this is what I’ve been looking for. This feeling of being recognized. Of seeing myself in the face of another. Of being mirrored in some form. All my life, I’ve searched for this feeling of kinship.
No matter, that I love Irene and my siblings, I’ve always felt something was missing.
Despite the fact that I’ve resented my biological mother for giving me up, I’ve always known I needed to meet her face-to-face, in order to move on.
Now that I’m here, though, all those questions have vanished.
Everything I thought I wanted to ask her? All of that seems so unimportant.
My husband clears his throat. "Why don’t I take Bruno for a walk while the two of you catch up."
"Thank you." She gazes at Knox with a grateful look on her features. "If you don’t mind…" She disappears inside the house and re-emerges with a leash that she hands over to Knox. "There’s a park at the end of the road."
"I’m sure I’ll find it okay. Come on, boy." He hooks the leash onto Bruno’s collar. The dog woofs and prances about, evidently sensing the outing and happy to follow him.
My husband leads him over to me. He kisses my forehead. "I’ll be a phone call away, if you need anything." He surveys me closely. "You okay?"
"Yes." I lean up on tiptoes and, not caring that Claire is watching, I press my lips to his. "Thanks."
He kisses me back, then heads for the door.
"He’s a good man," Claire says softly. "He obviously loves you very much."
“He does.” Even though he hasn’t said it to me yet, I know he does.
I could see it in his features when he wanted to accompany me in here.
I've seen it in his eyes when he makes love to me. And I knew it when he said, As you wish. So, why hasn’t he said the actual words yet?
Tears prick my eyes, and I realize I’m much more emotionally fragile than I thought.
My husband was right; I couldn’t have done this on my own.
Just knowing he’s nearby gives me the strength to keep this conversation going.
Never mind the fact that he hasn’t come clean about his feelings which, along with the shock of meeting my birth mother, is making me feel too vulnerable.
I clear my throat. "I’ll uh—make the tea. "
I hear her move away, then the scrape of a chair against the floor as she seats herself.
I’m conscious of her watching me as I pour the hot water onto the teabags, then retrieve the milk from the fridge. I pour a little milk into both cups, then take a spoon and stir the tea.
"Leave the teabag in," she instructs.
I stiffen, then turn slowly to look at her. "That’s how I also take my tea," I whisper.
A teardrop rolls down her cheek. I hold back a sniffle and carry both cups over to the dining table. We sip our tea for a few seconds. I look up. "I—"
At the same moment she says, "I’m so sorry, June."
I bite the inside of my cheek.
"I really am sorry for what you must have gone through." She swallows.
I hook my fingers through the handle of the cup and raise it to my lips, "I haven’t had a bad life. Far from it. Thanks to Irene—"
"Irene?"
"She adopted me when I was eleven. If not for her, I might not have turned out the way I did."
Claire’s lips firm. She seems to digest what I said, then nods, “I’m glad, she turned out to be good people.”
“Irene’s the best.” I feel compelled to share about my adoptive mother, perhaps, as a way of drawing a contrast between everything she did for me and Claire didn’t?
Honestly, I can’t say, but I don’t curb my instinct to speak.
Not when I've waited so long to have this conversation with my birth mother. “After me, Irene also adopted Jillian and Ethan. She gave us a family. A home. A sense of identity. She’s always encouraged us to find our own way. She ensured our past didn’t hold us back. ”
Claire winces, then seems to compose herself. “I’d love to meet her,” she says in a soft voice.
I look at her in surprise. "You would?" I certainly hadn’t expected my birth mother to say that, and within minutes of meeting her, too.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Claire half smiles.
“Just... I—,” I try to form the words in my head. “Don’t you feel threatened by her?”
"Why should I be?” Her smile turns sad. “She did everything I couldn’t do for my daughter. I might have given birth to you, but she’s the one who guided you through life. She made you the woman you are today."
Something clenched inside of me loosens. I didn’t realize how conflicted I was about searching for my birth ties. In a way, it felt like I was being disloyal to Irene. While that wasn't my intention, I was never able to fully rid myself of that feeling.
"I wanted to find you…so many times," Claire admits.
"Why didn’t you?" I cry. Some of the anger I thought I’d resolved bubbles up to the surface. "I thought about you every single day."
"So did I," she says softly. "I never forgot you, June. But I also didn’t want to risk turning your life upside down. I convinced myself that you were better off wherever you were without me."
My thoughts ricochet around in my head. "I made up all these stories about you. I told myself you were a princess in a tower somewhere, and some villain was keeping you away from me. As I grew older, I was sure there was a reason you didn’t search me out.
I was angry with you one second, and the next, I would have given anything to see you.
" Emotions choke my throat, and I take another sip of tea to try and keep my tears at bay. Gosh, I don’t want to turn into a case of waterworks.
"I am truly sorry for everything." She reaches out to place her hand on mine. I want to shake it off, but the warmth of her touch feels so right, I don’t.
It’s this contradiction in emotions that drives me crazy. This, wanting her to be in my life and loving her simply because she gave birth to me, and yet, always wanting to hold a grudge for how she cast me out of her life.
"Why did you do it? Why did you give me up?" The words burst out of me. "Why, Claire? Why?"
She winces, maybe because I called her by her given name.
But what did she expect? Irene is my mother.
And although this connection between Claire and me will always remain, I realize, I’m not ready to welcome her back into my life.
Not without getting some understanding of the circumstances behind what led to her casting me out of her life.
"I was sixteen and pregnant. My family were devout Catholics. I went to a convent school for girls, where it was drilled into us that sex was a sin. I was rebellious. I couldn’t accept what they told me. I always pushed boundaries."
Like me. I, too, was rebellious and hated restrictions being put on me, but I attributed that to being in the system and acting out to gain attention. But maybe, there's more to it. Maybe, it's part of my personality to test boundaries.