13. Calista
13
CALISTA
“ I owe you,” I say to Vex at the end of the day.
The words almost choke me on the way out, but I finally feel like I can breathe in the house. It doesn’t feel like all the contents are closing in on me.
“You don’t owe me shit, Calista.” Vex climbs the porch steps after dumping the last pile of papers into the skip.
I huff. That isn’t the world I live in. Everything is a transaction. A deal.
It’s the only way I’ve survived, keeping a balance sheet of my life.
“No. Seriously. I would never have got this done on my own. So, if you ever need a favor…”
Vex looks at me like I grew two heads. “And I’m serious. I didn’t do it so you could owe me a fucking favor, Cal. I did it because your mom needed help. I did it because she was a good neighbor for a long time. I did it because she welcomed us to the neighborhood when some of the others worried about the new Black family on the block. I did it because there is obviously something going on in her life.”
I wince a little as his words hit me. It’s true. Mom was always a great woman. As a teacher, she encouraged the celebration of mixed abilities, and of neurodivergence, and of who you are as a human being.
As soon as Ti and his family moved next door, she tried to organize the usual street delivery of welcome meals, but only two other people joined her.
The only person she seemingly didn’t have faith in was me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, realizing I thought of Vex as Ti. Or Ti as Vex. They’re becoming the same.
Vex’s dark eyes meet mine. “For what?”
The question hangs between us.
For what?
I know what he’s asking. And I can’t tell him.
I shrug.
“Sorry means shit if you can’t actually articulate what you’re sorry for. And what was that whole thing when my brothers arrived? Why treat ‘em like shit when they showed up for you? You probably should have said sorry to them too. But don’t worry, I’ll cover it like I always do.”
Those words infuriate me. “Like you always do. Tell me what you ever covered for me?”
Vex steps into my space. “I covered your fucking ass. I stopped you from getting killed.”
My mouth drops wide open, and rage rattles through me faster than a runaway train. “So, the men who showed up in cuts and stood right there in the kitchen all those years ago, holding a knife to Mom’s throat, groping my fucking chest, telling me they’d kill me if they ever saw me again…that was just my imagination, was it?”
Traitorous tears roll down my cheeks, and I swipe them away.
“They what?” Vex’s voice is so low I can barely make out what he’s saying, but there is no mistaking the tone.
“You told them who I was. You were the only person who knew what I was going to do. You told me you went to them to protect me, but what you did was almost get me killed. You think I wanted to stay away? I’ve been confused this whole time, vacillating between wondering if you didn’t know or thinking you knew and just couldn’t stomach witnessing what they did.”
Frustration and fear spill over. But so does the realization that one of the best things about Vex was that he was always so easy to talk to and impossible to lie to.
Revealing the truth feels cathartic, but it’s like a dam that burst. The speed of feeling coursing through me is unbearable. I feel light-headed. Unsteady.
It’s made worse when I realize the potential consequences. They said they’d kill him if I ever told him or if he found out. And if they’d kill him, when he is useful to them, they won’t think twice about me.
Oh, God . Or mom.
But…what if it was all a lie. What if they never intended to hurt him at all? The not knowing is killing me.
When I finally look at Vex, he looks like he’s been poleaxed. “Sit down, and tell me everything from the beginning,” he says.
“I’ve said enough. And if you’re here to make excuses for them, don’t bother. They told me they would kill you if I tried to tell you. You didn’t realize you’d signed both our death sentences. That if you attempted to leave the club, they’d kill you too. And I knew you would if I told you. So, I didn’t. I left.”
Vex puts his hands on my shoulders. “That’s why you threatened to kill me.”
“Would you have stayed away if I’d done any less? You would have tried to find me.”
I can see the muscles twitch in his jaw. He’s angry, but not with me. “Get your mom settled, get her some dinner, make sure she’s okay, then, you’re coming with me.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Calista. We got shit we need to discuss, and we ain’t discussing it here. I’ll fucking carry your stubborn ass out of here if I have to, because both of us have been riding on half a story most of our adult lives, and we need to clear the fucking air and learn the full truth.”
I’m not sure what makes me decide to do as he says. And I’m still wondering why I did as we drive away from Mom’s house and head towards the shore. We pull up to a pretty seashore bungalow painted a soothing pale blue. It sits on a large corner lot with a new garage next to it.
Once we’re in the drive, Vex jumps out of his truck and comes around my side to open the door.
I take a deep breath as I look at the hand he offers, my warring emotions telling me to follow Vex inside and yet, simultaneously, run.
“I’m not gonna bite,” Vex says.
His fingers are warm as they wrap around mine, and I let him lead me into his house. It’s probably inconsiderate to watch as he enters the code to his alarm, but it eases me a little when I see him enter the numbers one, seven, zero, and one. NCC-1701 is the USS Enterprise from Star Trek.
I slip off my shoes in the hall as he removes his boots, and then I take a moment to look around. The open-plan space is beautiful. Like, one of those glossy homes beautiful. A gray sofa, dark green cushions, tan leather armchairs. Everything is set on a large cream rug that sits on highly polished wooden floors.
I remember he was the only kid I knew who had a tidy bedroom. Everything was meticulously in place. There used to be three large Lego Star Wars models on a shelf, and I swear he used a ruler to position them perfectly spaced out.
The large kitchen has white cabinets and marble with feint slashes of gray. The accessories are copper, and a large pot sits on the stove.
“Your home’s beautiful, Vex,” I say as he hangs his leather cut on the hook by the door. He takes my coat and hangs it too.
“It’s Ti when you’re in my fucking home.”
“I was just getting used to Vex.”
“Well, get unused to it.” He dips his head towards the sofa. “Get comfortable. I’m getting us both a drink. Feeling we’re gonna need it.”
I do as he says as he walks to a large dresser near the dining table and chairs. On top is a small bar. Bottles sit nicely organized on a copper tray. I hear the whiskey pour as I take in some of the framed photographs on the mantelpiece.
They are mostly his family. His brothers and sister, and little kids who I guess are nieces and nephews. There are a couple with the club, and at the very end of the mantel is a picture of me and him.
I lift it off the shelf and smile.
It’s the very first night we camped out in the tents. Mrs. Williams must have taken it, because we’re looking at each other and laughing. It’s too perfect and natural to be staged.
Vex hands me a whiskey, and I place the frame back on the shelf. “Before we start, your reaction to the club today, was that because of what happened back then?”
I take a sip of the whiskey. “Start with the easy questions why don’t you.”
He places his hand around the back of my neck and squeezes gently. It’s an intimate gesture. One he wouldn’t have done when we were kids. “Don’t clam up on me, Calista. Walls are coming down tonight one way or another. Gimme the woman who was vulnerable enough to tell me the truth in her mom’s living room.”
I slip out of his hold. Not because I don’t like it, but because of the exact opposite. It made me feel things I shouldn’t. “Yes. It was because of what happened the last time a group of bikers arrived at my mom’s house.”
“What name was on their cuts?”
I sit down on the sofa and pull my knees up beneath me. “Cue Ball. And Wrinkle. And I never caught the rest.”
“Fuck,” Vex mutters.
“Your friends?” I say, unable to hold my distaste.
“If Cue Ball weren’t already dead, I’d kill him myself for threatening you. Now. Tell me from the beginning, from your perspective. What the fuck happened?”
“I’m not sure I want to relive it.”
Vex sits next to me and places his phone on the coffee table. Too close, really, but he turns so he’s facing me and squeezes my knee gently. “I’m really fucking sorry they assaulted you and terrified you, but if I’m going to make all this right, I need to know as much as you can tell me.”
His phone rings and I glance at it.
King.
“You need to answer that, Vex ?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “No. I don’t.” He picks up the phone and turns it off. “Nothing he could have to say to me is more important than what we’re about to discuss. And I said call me Ti when we’re here. I don’t want the club or my road name between us in conversations like this.”
“I feel like Vex puts a suitable distance between the two of us.”
“Don’t be obtuse. Talk to me, Calista.”
“We fought the day before about hacking the Outlaws,” I say. “I was so mad at you, because it was an easy target. My plan was to drop some malware onto the computer in the garage because they had a network set up.”
“I remember. You were going to take your mom’s car in for a service, and I told you it was fucking reckless because the registration of the car was highly traceable. And if they’d found out, they would have killed you.”
I eye him carefully. “Given the benefit of hindsight, is that true?”
“Babe, I’ve seen men get killed for a lot less.”
That isn’t the first time he’s called me babe . The logical, independent part of my brain wants to rail against it. But there’s a part of me that just went all soft and squishy at those four letters.
I wonder if the boy I once knew is also capable of such things. Taking a life seems so final, and a million miles from the boy who was always so gentle. I was the most likely to come out swinging. He was always the peacemaker. Maybe the life he leads has hardened him.
“Anyway. After all my reconnaissance, I was mad you weren’t impressed. You usually were. We’d come up with these plans together. I watched them, and they often left their little office unattended.”
Vex shakes his head. “That’s because they know there’s no one reckless enough to steal from the Outlaws.”
“Except me,” I say.
“Except you.”
“Anyway, I shared my plan with you, but you were furious and bailed on me.”
“You were so resolute you were going to do it. And I knew how bullheaded you could be. If you wanted to do something badly enough, you’d find a way. But there was something about you that day. You’d gotten greedier.”
I shake my head and look down at my whiskey glass. “I’d found out how powerful it felt to steal money and give it away.”
Vex does a double take. “What?”
“You thought I was stealing all this money for myself, but the truth was, I was donating large chunks of it.”
“Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me?”
“I’ve asked myself that question a thousand times, and I think the answer might make you really uncomfortable.”
Vex knocks his whiskey back in one swallow. “You can’t just leave a guy hanging with that.”
Nervously, I pick at a thread on one of the cushions. “I thought I was in love with you. As much as you could be at that age. But you never saw me as anything other than your best friend. We were always together. We barely spoke to other people. I figured if I gave it to causes you cared about, it might help you like me back or something. I can’t explain it any other way, even though it seems feeble now. I was going to tell you on your birthday.”
“You thought you were in love with me?” Vex tucks an escaped piece of hair behind my ear. “Why did you never say anything?”
Anger rises a little. “Because you were a stupid boy. Telling me all about how you were thinking of taking Angelique Newman to prom. Not once did you look at me or say anything to suggest you felt the same. I did my makeup once to come see you, and you told me that my attempts at a smokey eye made me look like I’d been punched in the face.” And now, I’m really mad because I sound like a prepubescent teen being dramatic. It prickles over my skin. “Not that it matters.”
Vex does that thing again. The one where he slides his hand around the back of my neck and grips me firmly, holding me in place. “It’s the story of us, Calista. Of course it fucking matters.”
And again, just like the insecure teen I was, I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. “There is no us, Ti.”