Chapter 17
“Revenge requires distance. Desire destroys distance. And mercy begins exactly there.” –The Count of Monte Cristo
LILAH
Igroan and walk by Charlie. She side-eyes me with a quick glance. “Get into a fight with a coyote or finally embracing nineties grunge?”
I flip her off. “Why is this class so early?”
“Because college is built to make you fail. It’s a system that wants to deconstruct you before building you back up again.
” She grins, then her smile falls. “Oh sorry, thought you wanted the real answer. That was a rhetorical question, got it. Out of words this early in the morning? I have enough for both of us, don’t worry. So there’s a party?—”
“Charlie.”
“I didn’t finish. There’s a party. Tonight.
Some sort of faculty event but there’s wine and expensive wine, lots of donors, lots of food.
” I know all about this event. I’ve avoided it like the plague for four years.
My dad goes to these events. I don’t speak to him.
He likes expensive wine and cheese now that he has money.
Not gonna happen. My mind keeps going back to last night.
To the text message and what Jude said. There’s so much hurt to unpack there isn’t even any room for a friendship.
Plus, he’s my professor now, and while crossing a line with Evans was fun and natural, crossing it with Jude, genuinely feels wrong, like I’d be screwing him all over again, as in, getting him into trouble even if he asked for it.
“Deep thoughts over there? You moaned.” Charlie points at me with her coffee spoon. “Anyways, I thought we could do, get our pre-drink on, and then meet up with Axel and blast from Christmas past, yes?”
I glare harder.
“I’m not scared of your glares and I don’t have my contacts in so it loses its effect.
” She grins. “Anyways, you’ve been stressed all week and you keep looking worse.
Let’s do it and then we can binge a show or go dancing, though something tells me Axel isn’t the dancing type.
He looks more like a poetry slam sort of bloke. ”
“Bloke? Are we British now?”
“I’m trying it out. He’s not a dude sort of reference, needed a backup word, bloke fit.”
“How?”
“I couldn’t think of any other words.” She stretches her arms above her head.
She’s in a matching pink and white tank and spandex duo, it looks like she just went to yoga, when in all reality she just took the very long trek from her room to the kitchen, she’s the type of girl who looks like a gym rat but bakes sourdough and eats donuts like her life depends on it.
The type of girl who you want to punch but can’t help but hug because she’s as sweet as the donuts she’s eating.
“Fine.” I finally say. “Maybe. Let me see how my day goes, I’m a bit ahead on my project. Let me check my work schedule.”
“Axel says you’re on for tomorrow not today,” she says casually. “It’s nice dating your boss, do you feel powerful? I feel powerful.”
“I feel annoyed, is that the same thing?” I ask.
“Nope.” She slides a mug of coffee toward me. “Does that help?”
“Yes.” I take it, it’s lukewarm which is nice because I can chug it which I do, then grab my keys, purse, and laptop. “I’ll see you maybe tonight. Text me the info on it.”
I’ve avoided my dad for years. I couldn’t even look him in the eye.
But I owe it to Jude, to do the hard thing, to give him his revenge, to help him even if he hates me.
Plus, after last night’s text, I know my dad’s more involved than I ever believed.
And if he had reasons to put Jude away, to cover up his mom’s death or to help with it, I need to find out what they are.
Besides, I always thought it was strange how quickly he got his promotions, how quickly he tossed us aside, and how easy it was for him to start a new life with money we didn’t have after feeling the city like we were the guilty party.
Interesting.
All of it.
By the time I get to class, I’m a minute late. I quickly find my seat and see a coffee sitting at it. I almost sit down a chair over when I see my name on the cup. “Drink me—J.”
How very Alice and Wonderland of him.
I’m desperate though so I take it.
Hot coffee, a bit of cream and sugar, just how I like it.
Damn him.
He completely ignores me, not that I expect him to call me out in class, but it’s as if he really is our professor helping us get an education. By the time class ends, I’m almost calm. I wait for everyone to leave and notice how Sandra and Breanna linger.
Great.
Now it looks like I’m desperate.
His eyes flick up. “Ladies, can I help you?”
Sandra steps forward first. Great. I stay back and start putting my stuff away as slow as humanly possible. “Are you free after class?”
“My hours are on the door,” he says in a clipped voice.
“Right, I don’t need that kind of service.” She giggles like she’s funny. Breanna joins in. Gross. “Let’s go get coffee. There are no rules against an adjunct professor dating a student, I checked, besides, it would be fun, we could learn all about how?—”
“Ladies, I’m so sorry to disappoint, but I already have a girlfriend.”
I knock over a book and pick it up from the floor then bang my head on the desk.
Shit! How did I not see that coming? I’m such an idiot.
Oh God, why do I feel tears? Am I seriously crying tears of embarrassment?
Get me out of here! Loitering has never been more painful!
I’m sure of it. I jump to my feet and fumble for my bag.
“Lilah, babe, you ready or are you going to knock over some chairs too for effect? I think they heard you. No need to be shy.”
I die.
I die a thousand deaths.
My heart drops to my feet.
I have two choices. Deny or confirm.
I owe him.
No matter what. I owe him.
And by the looks on both their faces, I’m the one winning here, even though I know they’ll just spread rumors that I’m a whore.
I eye him up and down, from the top two buttons of his crisp white shirt being undone to the way the sleeves are shoved up to his elbows exposing the ten tat on his forearm. Yes. Oh yes, I’m definitely winning.
“Yeah.” I smile as big as I can. “Sorry, you know me, clumsy, plus I may have been eavesdropping, got territorial.” I wink. “And before either of you spread rumors, I’ve known him since I was sixteen?—”
“And despite Evans trying to steal her heart,” he adds, “it’s only ever been mine. Anyway, my hours are on the door if you have any class related questions.”
He reaches for my hand, grabs it in his, and walks off with me while they whisper under their breath.
We make it down the hall and into his office before I can finally exhale.
And when I do it’s against him as he closes the door behind us and props me up against it.
“Breathe Lilah, it’s not like I proposed and it’s not like you’re really mine. ”
Eh, my hearts not really getting that specific memo with how hard it’s pounding right now. “Right, right, sorry, good save though.”
“I would say I owe you.” He shrugs. “But I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around for an eternity, yeah?”
“Fair.” I nod. “Totally fair.”
He eyes the door, then me.
“Sorry.” I do a small circle.
He grabs the handle for me like I’m incapable of leaving on my own, which I’m probably not.
“I’ll just head…”
Head?
Who am I?
I swear if I accidentally say bloke I’m killing Charlie. Murdering her!
“…out,” I lamely add on a choked whisper.
For the first time since he’s been back from the dead, Jude actually smirks, not a mocking smirk, not one that says he’s taunting me or wants to toy with my head in a million different ways.
No, his smirk says adoration.
Amusement.
It’s sexy as hell and it’s real.
It’s the most real thing we’ve exchanged since he came roaring back into my existence, and I find I can’t leave.
I can’t just give him my back when he’s looking at me like that.
I’ll stall and say “bloke” if I have to.
I’ll make something up.
I’ll stare and tell him my brain’s on stall mode.
Because it’s suddenly us again.
Back in my room.
Eyes only for each other.
Hearts beating to the same cadence.
His throat moves, and then his hand is pressed up against the door, palm flat next to the side of my head. “You’re staring.”
“You make it impossible not to,” I admit.
I’ve read about it in books. I’ve seen it on TV. I have never experienced it in real life, where a guy gives you a half-lidded look, a lazy look that almost lists all the things they want to do to you in real time while staring at you.
I stop breathing as his gaze lingers on my mouth. “You should really go.”
“You’re holding the door.”
He leans in and slides his hand down to the door handle and turns it then whispers into the crook of my neck. “Next time I won’t be this kind.”
“Kind?”
“Look at me like that again.” His nose touches my neck, he sucks in a sharp breath like he’s breathing me in. “And there won’t be a place to hide. And I’m still too angry to be gentle, Lilah.”
“Who wants gentle.” I say sliding out from underneath him and leave through the small opening of the door and smirk to myself when I say. “Professor.”
All I hear when I walk away are expletives.
The pep in my step isn’t forced.
It’s real.
But in all my excitement I forget to text him about the event to see if he’ll be there, maybe it’s best to catch him off guard anyways. I shoot a quick text to Charlie with two simple words.
I’m in.
And hopefully, Jude will be there too.
“It’s too tight.” I tug at my navy blue skirt with the slit up the right thigh and look down at my white crop top.
It’s classy without looking like I’m trying too hard and when I added an oversized men’s brown jacket and then a brown belt it totally completed the look.
Minimal skin showing but just enough to tempt, and later in the night I can take off the jacket if we end up going to another party or doing something fun. “Right?”