Chapter 11
“He thought he wanted confession. Then he heard her voice. And wanted something worse.”—The Count of Monte Cristo.
JUDE
Ilet Axel think it’s his idea after the ordeal in the hall.
Leave early, invite the girls back to his place right down the street from their apartment, order pizza and chill.
I tell myself it’s because I’m just doing what the stupid piece of paper said, keeping my enemies close and that it’s not because I’ve suddenly grown a heart—because I haven’t.
But, I’m suddenly starving to know her version of events, what happened and why.
Also, being out in public after that guy had his hands all over her isn’t what’s smart.
Lilah could hardly focus on anything and wasn’t even touching her drink.
She laughed at the wrong time and kept looking over her shoulder, and since the boogie man was currently next to her—i.e. me—I knew it was that guy.
What other hells had she gone through without me by her side? I’d watched her from afar, waited for the right time, kept my distance, and she’d been boring. But something about that interaction made me wonder if there wasn’t more of a story there.
But that would mean caring.
Getting closer in that way wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to get her to feel an inkling of the same sort of fear and foreboding I felt during those times and wonder when it’s all going to get taken away, find out the truth, use her to take my dad down if necessary, walk away.
Honestly, the plan wasn’t supposed to be this year-long thing but the minute I made contact it was like taking your first hit, addicting in all the worst ways.
I realized having her fear was almost as nice as having her love because at least I could feel and I’d been so damn tired of being numb this long that I welcomed the feeling even if it was wrong.
Axel and Charlie were sitting across from us playing Jenga while Axel kept peppering Lilah with questions about high school that I refused to answer.
He’d gone to a private prep school while I begged my parents to send me to public—my dad allowed it because it looked good for me to be around normal peasants versus going to a private school like everyone else at the country club.
I didn’t care because at the time it gave me my way and I wanted to be wherever she was, but she didn’t need to know that was the real reason why. Because that bordered on obsession.
“I’m going to grab another drink.” She pops up from her seat and steps over my legs to get to the kitchen.
I don’t say a word.
I get up and follow her.
She’s staring at the bottle of wine but not pouring.
“We aren’t in an enchanted castle, you’re going to have to pick it up, princess.” I walk by and grab her a glass of wine. “Unless you were banking on me to do the heavy lifting.”
She turns to me. “What do you want? Why reveal yourself now after being gone so long? Why taunt me like you’re about to announce to the world what I did to you when I thought I was helping? What’s with the mind games? Are you behind the Dean’s List?”
My eyes widen. “I don’t know if I should be flattered I’m taking up so much of your head space or concerned at how short an amount of time it took.”
“Both.” She licks her lips and crosses her arms. Her green eyes dart from my mouth up to my eyes.
“Does it matter? I can’t live like this.
You’ve already won. So, what do you want, do you want me to confess to every stranger on campus that I’m a monster?
Do you want me to publicly fail? Do I need to do a press conference and ruin my own life so I don’t have to constantly look over my shoulder and see the look on your face, like you really are dead like I really did kill you. ”
I lean against the counter. “You already buried a pretend body and attended a funeral and lied in court,” I whisper.
“And look around, nobody’s doing a press conference.
I find great joy in your discomfort. What if that’s all I want?
For you to constantly wonder when, if, why…
I think that might be enough for me, besides it seems the only way to get you honest is in situations where you have no control. ”
“That’s crazy.”
You’re crazy is what I hear. And maybe she’s right. Maybe I am. But aren’t we all a little bit crazy inside? It’s what we do with it that matters, it’s how we utilize the crazy that counts.
“Revenge isn’t sane, Lilah, and it oftentimes destroys the person getting it as much as the person giving it.”
She looks down at her feet. “And the Dean’s List.”
“You saw the red paper.” I push away from the island and lean in until I’m right by her ear. “Not it, but I think I know who is.”
“So, this is all just…coincidence that you’re suddenly here?”
“Sadly, yes, though had I known Evans was on The Dean’s List I would have turned in his ass ages ago, hate that guy.”
Her head whips in my direction. “Wait, there’s a way to report people?”
I frown. “Um yeah it’s the same anonymous email address, you can report a crime of passion, bribery, whatever you want.”
“But you can’t just ruin people’s lives.” How cute that she truly believes that when she had such a hand in ruining mine.
“You should know better than anyone, Lilah that people rarely fact check when every single finger points to the same person. And they’d rather prove an innocent man guilty than admit they’re wrong or made a mistake.
It’s better to hide and manipulate in order to stay on top than to take the fall yourself. ”
Her face pales. “How did she—”
“Nope.” I grab her by the chin. “You do not get to ask how she died, what happened, or anything that might make you sleep a little bit better tonight. I’ll tell you when I feel like it, not when you need the fucking consolation.”
A tear slides down her cheek and onto my hand. It’s hot. I don’t care if it’s the memory of her sin that caused it or my anger. That tears mine. I lean in and lick it up with my tongue. “And here I thought your guilt would taste so much more bitter, Delilah.”
Her eyes glisten with more tears. She’s willing them not to spill.
I lean in closer. “I’m thirsty, give me one more, one more tear for one more life you ruined, you fucking owe me.”
Her eyes rage. One slips free it slides slowly down the front of her face until it collides with her top lip, resting on her bottom.
I stare it down.
I remember the lines we never crossed.
The rules we made are no longer in fucking play.
My tongue slides across her upper lip and then I suck in her bottom lip between my teeth, biting down hard enough to make a mark. I pull back. Her eyes are wild, but her breathing is erratic just like my own pulse.
“Thank you for your service.” I lightly shove her away, walk over to the wine, and pour some into a glass. “Now go pretend you’re not a monster. We’re done here.”
She grabs the wine and bolts from the room.
And I stand there and force every ounce of control back into my body. I almost cracked. Her eyes, her taste. I told myself it had been a dream, the one kiss we shared, the one forbidden kiss before the world turned on us.
And now it was back.
Full force.
My body rioted against me. I couldn’t stop the visceral reaction I had to her anymore than I could stop the memory from bubbling to the surface.
“Kiss me.” She’d begged. “Just once.”
She was like oxygen rushing into my body. I kissed her so hard I bruised my own mouth; our teeth clashed along with our hands as we tugged at each other’s clothes. Too many years spent lying next to each other.
Too many years telling ourselves no.
And like the universe wanted to remind us we were never meant to be. The storm cracked across the damn sky.
And our worlds shattered along with the sound of a gun going off.
Never to be the same.
I shake the memory away. It’s like cold water on my hot body, or so I think and then I walk into the room and hear the word watch.
Watch.
Should not trigger me.
Not at all.
It’s a simple command or something that tells time, but because I’m in a bad head space, I’m immediately brough back to when she saw me.
It was months before the incident. I’d been so hard I could pound nails.
We’d been in the pool, swimming, her top had come off.
We laughed like it wasn’t a big deal but I was ready to maul her.
An hour later I was in the bathroom rinsing off.
Her bathing suit top was hanging up, taunting me, making me insane.
I touched it, how the fuck it smelled like the best sunscreen in the world was beyond me.
The shower was scalding.
I braced my body against the shower with one arm and gripped myself with my hand and hissed when I nearly popped off. Over a blue swimsuit top. Shit. I was so close. So close. And then a small gasp erupted from the open door.
“Sorry, I was just,” Her eyes glazed over. “Coming.”
“W-what?” I choked out.
“No! I meant, coming to check on you and.”
“Join me.” I demanded.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
I groaned and pumped harder. “Then watch. Just watch. Watch what you do to me. God, Lilah,” She bit down on her bottom lip, cheeks pink, body still wet. I’ve never felt anything like it, spent like I had nothing left, and was never the same.
Watch. Just watch.
She did.
She fucking did.
And afterwards, she handed me a towel and stared down at my naked bottom half and said. “Can I?”
She touched me.
She touched me before we kissed.
And I ached for her for days.
Ughhh not how the night was supposed to go. I grab the entire bottle of wine, tilt it back, chug, slam it back onto the counter and walk into the room.
Her lower lip is swollen.
I eye it with a cruel smile.
Her nostrils flair.
Oh princess, the days I have planned ahead.
Buckle up. It’s about to get wild.