The Dean’s List

Chapter 20

“He knew her sins. He knew her softness. Only one of them frightened him.”—The Count of Monte Cristo

JUDE

I’ve been avoiding her on purpose. My feelings are all over the place, and it doesn’t help that I keep getting red envelopes sent to my apartment, all of them encouraging me to reach out to her, to find out the truth.

And tonight was no different.

I’d finally decided to talk to her when it was delivered.

“You can’t fake true love. You can’t trick the Dean. If your pasts stay buried, your love will never bloom—it will die along with everything else. Make your choice. This will be your last warning to come clean. Do you choose her or your revenge?”

I feel called out. And the only thing I can think to do is make good use of my hands since my brain is short circuiting, since my heart is telling me that I’m a piece of shit, since I keep seeing her face after I lost my temper. I had her in my arms, I had her so close to me, and I keep messing up.

“Thought I’d find you here,” comes the voice.

It’s not female.

It’s not the voice I’m used to hearing every night when I fall asleep. It’s not the voice that reads to me and calms me down.

It’s the voice nightmares are made of. “You mean in my studio? Near my office? At the class I teach?” I say dryly. “You’re a fucking genius, Dad.”

“Guess I deserved that.”

I snort. “You deserve a lot of things. Praise, even born out of mockery, annoys me. What do you want?” I slap the slab of clay onto the table to keep from punching him.

“Did you come to send me to prison again or is that penciled in for next week? Just make sure I have enough time to plan before the knife goes in my back, okay?”

“Jude.” He says my name like a curse. Maybe to him it is. I hope so. “I didn’t come here to fight. I came to see how you were adjusting to your new job and make sure you’re comfortable.”

“You let me cry myself to sleep during every thunderstorm since I was three. I highly doubt you’re here to make sure I’m settling in. Out with it.”

“I made you strong.”

“You made me hate,” I snap. “So, I guess in a way sure, you made me strong so nothing could get in. And since right now you’re crawling out of the woodwork, there must be a reason.”

He sighs. “I’ll just come out with it then.”

I level him in an emotionless stare. “Please…be my guest.”

“Your mother was going to frame me for crimes I didn’t commit.

She was also going to do the same to a few faculty members and let’s just say it would have gotten bloody ugly, very bad very fast. You took the fall because I couldn’t, and for that, I can’t thank you enough.

I had no idea they would actually put you in prison, though, Jude. I got you out as fast as I could.”

Lies, lies and more lies. I keep staring, saying nothing.

He clears his throat. “It seems we’ve had several faculty members approach the board. They’re worried that they’re on some ledger, and some of them can’t afford to have their names anywhere near that kind of scandal.”

“The Dean’s List.” I sigh. “I’m not behind it, if that’s what you think.

Whoever is behind it, though, seems to know a lot about me—us, the past. I’d be afraid if I were you, unless you’re the mastermind.

” I smirk. “But I don’t think you’re smart enough to use it the way it’s being used right now, to flush out the bad, slowly, painfully, like sucking poison from a snakebite. ”

His footsteps click against the cement floor as he walks closer. “If I had the list I’d destroy it. I don’t, but I need you to find out who it is and get it for me. You’ll, of course, be paid handsomely.”

I regard him, assessing. Then I release a humorless huff. “Don’t want your money, and that’s a no.”

“I’m not asking.”

I sigh. “You can’t touch me.”

“You’re right. I can’t. I can, however, touch her.”

I don’t have to ask who her is. I shrug and try to look unaffected while my heart slams against my chest.

“I’ll pin everything on her father, every last sin he helped me commit and at the end of the day I’ll make it so painful for her to live that she’ll think twice about why she even bothers.”

“Bothers?”

“Breathing.”

“Nice.” I say through clenched teeth. “So, I find this list or you what? Make her miserable? Make it impossible for her to get a job?”

He laughs, actually laughs at me. “No, no, no, nothing like that.” He walks over and taps his knuckles against the countertop. “Brake lines are surprisingly delicate things. One little cut and nobody asks questions. Tragic accident. It happens every day.”

I’m going to kill him with my bare hands.

But not yet.

He’d see it coming. He wants my reaction.

I cross my arms and lean back and finally look up at him.

His mustache is gray along with his hair.

He looks older than the last time I saw him, more set in his ways, more heartless and terrifying like he’s done so much evil he doesn’t even recognize what’s good anymore.

He’s not a man I should cross, I’m not afraid for myself, I’m afraid for Lilah, a man with no heart still might change in the end, a man with no soul has no reason to anyway.

He lacks both. “When do you need this magical list by?”

“The sooner the better. Don’t make me wait, Jude. I hate waiting, and so do the people who want to burn this thing to the ground. Don’t disappoint me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” I sigh. “We done now?”

“Yeah.” He flashes me an icy smile. “Good seeing you.”

“Can’t say the same. I’ll be in touch.” He nods and walks out of the room leaving me alone with my racing heart and fucked up emotions.

He’ll do it. He’ll hurt her.

I have no clue how to get the list other than to do exactly what it wants me to do. Play right into his hands, choose her and just hope whoever’s behind it will sense my desperation.

I quickly pull out my phone and shoot an email to the tip line. It could be fake, it could be real, either way, I have to try.

I drop my phone back onto the table and flip it over then dig my hands into the clay. I push and pull, I tug and hit.

He’s a monster.

A demon.

Satan himself.

Fuck!

I feel her before I see her.

It’s been hours, and all I have in front of me is a sculpture—a rough one—of her face, all beautiful sharp angles and full lips. I was waiting to do the eyes. For what, who knows?

“Am I an idiot for making a sculpture of you like a coward before calling or seeing you? For touching this clay instead of the real thing but dying a bit inside because it still gives me peace?” I say.

Lilah’s hands cover mine before she pulls back and locks her fingers with mine. “Kind of, but I like that crazy part of you, the one that needs to feel me how ever he can and shows his desperation even in his art.”

“I was going to do the eyes, but I don’t think I can do them justice, Lilah.”

“They’re just eyes.”

“They’re your soul,” I whisper. “It’s too pure for my hands.”

“Are you okay?” She lowers herself into my lap wrapping her legs around me.

It’s so natural that I instinctively put my dirty hands around her and rest my face against her chest. “No. Not by a longshot.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Words won’t fix what’s wrong with me even if it’s your voice.”

“Hmmm,” She grabs me by the hair and tilts my head back. “The how about this.”

Her mouth collides with mine before I can say yes.

With her body pressed up against me and the smell of her invading every sense I have, I fall headfirst into the kiss, greedy for more as our tongues tangle together.

This is everything I wanted seven years ago, everything I’ve wanted since laying eyes on her.

Truth.

A real kiss.

No more confessions.

No more revenge.

Our bodies speaking for us, the way our art does, and finding a way to describe that without messing it up with my inability to get the right words out. I slide my hands under her shirt then tug it over her head.

With a moan she breaks free from the kiss, eyes wild. “It’s not fake.”

“What’s not fake?”

“This kiss. My mouth.” She grabs me by the head, her hands on either side of my cheeks pressing painfully in, making it impossible to look at anything but her.

Her brown eyes lock in on me with such precision it’s like a shot directly into my soul.

She isn’t asking permission, she’s diving straight through like an explosion with no shield.

“I’m kissing you because I want to. Because I’ve always loved you.

Because I thought you were lost and you’re found, because I’m afraid to let go of you.

I’m afraid that you’re going to disappear again, that I’m going to lose these moments.

Because we aren’t promised anything but right now.

And right now, I want my best friend, Jude.

I want his mouth, his body, his fears, his wishes.

I want a million kisses followed by a million fights only so we can make up again.

I want it all, bloody, messy, cursed. That’s how love should be.

Equal parts dark and light. Equal parts beauty and pain. ”

“I love you,” I whisper. “Even when I hated you I loved you. Even when I wanted you to hurt it was like hurting myself. I love you. Lilah. I love you in a way that’s destructive and ugly.

There’s nothing beautiful about the way I feel because so much pain covers it One day I’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved, but that day isn’t today. Today it’s poison.”

“Then let me suck it free.” She slams her mouth back down onto mine while I stand with her still in my arms, walking us towards the nearest wall.

I pin her there and take the kiss from an explosion to a slow burn while my hands tug at her loose black track pants.

I tug them down until she kicks them off one ankle.

I nearly choke when I see she’s bare underneath.

“I had plans,” she gasps between devouring my mouth.

“I like when a procrastinator changes their ways,” I say, teasing her with my tongue as I tug at her bottom lip. “It’s like finding religion isn’t it?”

She laughs against me and greedily reaches for my shirt, tugging it over, but it gets caught in my smock, with one hand holding, her I toss them both to the side. She’s already working on the button on my jeans. Then her hands on me, gripping me, giving me heaven while sending me to hell.

“Fuck that feels good.” I rock my hips towards her. “Stop before I go too fast.”

“Go slow later.” She bites my lip and tugs painfully. “I need you now.”

I don’t have to be asked twice. I’m buried inside her within seconds, pinning her to the wall even harder now as my hips thrust. She grips on to me and tugs me as far inside as she can, like she’s swallowing me whole with her body. I have no words. None.

“Lilah,” I rasp, barely getting the word out, my world is spinning out of control, and then I snap open my eyes and see her, the look of ecstasy on her face with her lips slightly parted, panting, a bead of sweat slides down her temple.

I lick it, reveling in the salty taste, and then I’m kissing her again as we move in sync.

Bodies sweaty, my fingers dig into her ass to keep her from slipping.

“Jude, right there, right there, don’t stop.” Her head rolls back, exposing her neck. “Stop and I kill you.”

“Not stopping.” I slide my hand between us and press just enough pressure while angling myself differently, when she cries out.

“There you go, come on, give it to me, scream my name the way I’ve been dying for. Suck me dry, Lilah.”

“Jude!” With all her muscles tense, she pants as she falls apart in my arms. “You’re mine.”

“I’ve never belonged to anyone else, Lilah, not even myself,” I growl, and then I’m gone, completely lost as I finish inside her knowing full well we could have been walked in on, that we didn’t use a condom, that we didn’t have anything between us.

Not even regret.

The way it was always supposed to be.

Responsible, it seems, has never been our priority. Think later. Act now. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I slowly pull out of her, mourning the loss of her heat when she grabs her sweats. “Now that we’ve gotten the important thing out of the way…”

I watch her skeptically.

She steps into her pants and jerks them up. “I think we should talk.”

“First…” I sigh and lean against the table. “Can we have a pause in all of this and just stare at the ceiling and pretend they’re stars for like two minutes?”

She bursts out laughing. “Will you hold my hand?”

“I won’t let go.”

Her eyes fill with tears. “Promise?”

“You’re mine, Lilah, even when you weren’t by my side. I never mentally let go of your hand.”