Worst Year Of My Life
Iwanted the rage to go away, pleaded with myself for the pain to go away.
Every single fiber of myself wanted it to end right there.
It had been a month and yet every memory came back like a tidal wave.
Every unwanted, undeserved feeling crashed into me.
My body wasn’t my own anymore and like the tide pulls the sand away from the shore I was ripped away from my innocent self once again.
The child in me wanted to scream and cry. Thrusted back into the perpetual nightmare of the rape, flashes of his Cheshire grin. His dick as it slammed repeatedly into me. The soft lull of raindrops on concrete.
Drop.
Drop.
Drop.
The puddle to my left that swallowed my cries, the patter of raindrops as they soaked into my long hair. That strange reflection of a girl no longer herself. Owned by a man who didn’t care. Didn’t think past his dick shoving into my pussy. It was so clear, so fresh. I wanted to break down.
Instead, I stared at the positive pregnancy test like it was my worst nightmare, because it was my worst fear.
There was no doubt in my mind this pregnancy wouldn’t last, I just needed someone to take me…
and that someone was Lilly. Older, her birthday was coming up.
I looked toward the bed where she was passed out, her body glowed in the moonlight like a soft white halo.
Incredible to look at even better to touch.
Her shirt rode up causing goosebumps to pebble her fair skin.
I stared at her for too long wondering if this was the moment. Could it be the moment?
I moved to get up, but the clattering of the plastic stick to the ground stopped me in my tracks. The test. Those two lines. They taunted me like Lilly’s blonde hair, always so close but so far away.
That’s it. She’ll have to take me. Dad would be disappointed I didn’t defend myself, Lee would be distraught. There was no room for their sympathy in my mind. No room for mistakes in the Callahan family.
Throwing the test in the waste bin under the sink I walked back to Lilly. She looked oblivious to the world, like there wasn’t a care or worry.
Her body shifted as my weight dipped against the bed.
“Hmm?” She opened her arms inviting me back to her warmth. It would have been the easy choice, the soft sweet touch of her.
“Lillybug, I need a favor.” I whispered. She shifted, grabbing hold of my tangled black hair, finding my head and pulling it to her chest.
“Mmhm anything, let me sleep first.” She mumbled.
My head rested against her chest, listening to her heart rate. The soft thumps as her breath evened out and she fell into a deeper sleep.
I must have stayed there for ages, not sleeping but only listening to her as my mind drifted back to that night.
7 months ago - March 13 - Town of Blackwell - Population 7,438 - 17 yrs old
“Lilly, where the fuck are you?” I groaned into the phone.
“I’m coming I swear! I just took the wrong exit and I’ll be there shortly,” she told me. Lilly was a terrible driver, and I could hear the blinker in the background so I sighed shaking my head.
“Let’s reschedule bug, it’s not like we won’t be able to see this movie at least a dozen times before break ends.
Besides, I am pretty tired.” I yawn to emphasize my point and mumbled, “See I wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole thing anyways.
Lee’s out of town with dad or something anyways so it’s best I head home early.
” I sighed into the phone looking at my watch.
It was only ten-thirty, but by the time Lilly showed up it would be one in the morning before we left.
“You sure? I really am on my way, I just got turned around.” She explained.
“Yeah Lilly bug I’m sure. Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.” I smiled into the phone.
“Alright Char, I love you.”
“I love you too, see you tomorrow.”
The line deadened and I pocketed my phone. The movie tickets crumpled in my hand as I walked to the side of the building where I’d parked my bike. Soft rain drops began to fall and I cursed under my breath hurrying down the alleyway.
“Fucking great I have to drive—”
I saw a flash of silver and a hand clamped around my mouth pulling me to their body and I screamed into it. My pulse thudded wildly as they punched my ribcage. I coughed bending over but they held me upright.
“Don’t make this any worse than it has to be,” he commanded. His gloved hand found my buttons on my jeans.
Panic rose in me as my eyes went wide. I couldn’t breathe, as the soft leather of his glove slid between the fabric. Goosebumps peppered my skin as I tried to deny him access.
I threw my head back hoping to land solid. He groaned and punched me in the side as his hand slid into my panties.
Time didn’t stop but I did, it was like someone yanked my batteries out and I was a useless toy. Frozen in fear. His rough gloved hands found purchase on my clitoris and I squeaked.
No one had ever touched me, I was a virgin. My legs felt like dried cement as he forced my pants down. The gloved hand no longer flicked against my clit but moved down between, and I pinched my eyes closed as the burning pain came.
My flesh began to rip like the tearing of clothes, the sound as seams start popping and you just know you’ve ruined your favorite shirt. The shirt was me, I was ripping. Stretched as his gloved fingers shoved into me, the same time my legs decided to turn to jelly.
The concrete slammed into my knees brutally as I caught myself, his fingers ripped out of me, a warmth I was all too familiar with trailed down my legs. Blood.
A belt buckle never sounded so loud, never hurt as much as it did, and did not connect to my body. My arms reached out as I forced my knees to move. To crawl away from this man.
There was a realization that never prepared me for any warning. A coldness that crept through as I breathed. Every rain drop felt like hot stings as my body rewired my brain.
Purity culture had one thing right, you are no longer pure. Disgusting, sick, and gross beyond measure, that’s how I felt. No one was there to stop him. I wept silently as my face connected with the concrete and he jerked my legs apart.
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I watched the rain splash against the concrete. Everything felt on fire the moment his dick penetrated me. A ragged scream tore through my lips as the side of my head scraped against the concrete. He moaned into my ear as if surprised, “You’re a virgin.”
I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a response, just watched the murky puddle build around his Cheshire grin.
White teeth —drip. Well groomed brown hair —drip. Blue eyes —drip.
I thought the gloved fingers were the worst part of it, but no. It was the way he was so kind about it. Cooing words of encouragement like he wasn’t raping me. The distorted image of him wrapped around me as I listed things I hated.
Pancakes. Lemons. Road Rage. Cars. Movies. Late people. Men.
Disassociating only took me back to the moment.
My pussy spasmed as he thrusted slowly, rhythmically, as if he enjoyed the act as much as he could, the world slowed to an aching crawl as I stared into that puddle.
Rain sizzled against my hot skin as my body no longer pleaded in protest. The worst thing a person can do is nothing so I went back to memorizing his features, though distorted.
He smelled like tobacco and cedar, some lemon hints when he leaned close whispering, “You’re doing so good. ”
I added cedar to the list of things I hated as I bit my lips so hard I could taste the metal of my blood.
It was better with the pain, if I could hold onto the pain I would hate myself less.
But as my pussy clenched around his cock while he thrusted I knew it was pointless.
There wasn’t anything I could do to stop the pleasure as it rewired my brain and pushed past the pain.
The man snaked his hand down my front and began rubbing my clitoris in time with his thrusts, like that was the moment he was waiting for himself.
Wetness pooled between my legs as he picked up his pace.
Thrusting so hard my face scraped against the asphalt, my body nothing but a pile of bones and muscles beneath him as I sobbed to a sky that cried back.
Rain covered my screams and mumbled pleas as the pleasure shot through me. My hair matted with the alleyways dirt as he continued to hammer into me and flick my clitoris pulling moans I never wanted to pass from my lips.
Everything felt slow and sticky, like my mind wasn’t getting enough oxygen to feed thought to my body only relying on the sensation of his cock as it thrusted in at a faltered pace. My pussy tightening with each new intrusion and my breath hitching as the moment arrived.
The timing of it was too perfect, like he had planned to make me come and it’s what sent him over the edge. My stomach rocked against the concrete as his pace quickened, there was nothing I could do to stop it so I pinched my eyes closed and waited.
A scream ripped through me as I came, he grunted stilling himself as I spasmed against him. When he was finished I didn’t move, didn’t open my eyes, didn’t dare stray from that spot. I laid there until the rain stopped and my body no longer felt like one of Andy’s toys when he walked into the room.
Some higher power took over my body because I don’t remember driving myself home. I didn’t remember showering. All I remember was the hollowness I felt at being raped. Locking myself in my bedroom I cried myself to sleep.