Leviathan
Sitting on my haunches, I tried to clear my mind. Usually when I was in my wolf form, it was easier to forget the nagging worries and stress of human life, but not today. Fear and worry simmered in my chest. My inner wolf felt it as well, because he whined every few minutes.
Regardless of whether June was Naphele’s reincarnation or not, I didn’t want her hurt, or worse, dead.
I didn’t see how there could possibly be any other outcome, though.
I’d spent an hour sprinting through the forest, trying to burn off the anxious energy, but nothing helped.
Now, sitting here, watching the sun go down, it all grew to a storm I couldn’t control.
I hadn’t wanted to see June before she went to fight.
I wasn’t sure if speaking with me one last time would break her concentration on the fight.
And I also didn’t know what to say to her.
I could apologize again, I could try to explain for the hundredth time why I did what I did, but that might have led to another fight, and that was the last thing she needed to deal with before facing Eugenia.
Yet here I was, regretting that decision.
I glanced at the sun. If I hurried, I might have time to see her before the fight. I took off, leaves spitting out from under me as I sprinted for home. The entire run, I cursed myself for not being there.
The closer I got to home, the lower the sun slid, and I began to worry that I’d timed it too late. When I ran up to the cabin and found Rainier standing on the porch looking at me with a dejected frown, I knew I was too late.
“June?” I asked, once I’d shifted back to my human form.
“Gone. Left here for the fight about thirty minutes ago,” he said. “I saw the last of the women head off into the woods twenty minutes back. The fight should be well underway now, if it’s not over already,” he added with a grimace.
“Fuck!” I kicked the dirt and ran my hands through my hair.
“I thought you were staying away until it was over?” Rainier said with a sad shake of his head. “She came looking for you before she left.”
I let out a long and dramatic sigh, sadness and regret both fighting for dominance in my heart. It seemed I could never do anything right. Each decision I made somehow always made things worse.
“I was,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to distract her from the fight.”
“And?” Rainier looked at me knowingly.
“And…I didn’t know what to say to her,” I said, shame washing over me.
The backs of my eyes stung, and I clenched them shut, fighting back the tears that threatened to come forward and overwhelm me. I’d fucked up. I’d never see her again if she died during the fight. I could never say I was sorry.
“I can’t believe I screwed this whole thing up so badly,” I muttered.
“I thought you didn’t think she was Naphele anymore,” Rainier said.
His tone was sarcastic, but it had an undercurrent of kindness.
I’d used this man as my human conscience for years.
He helped me run the pack, but he also helped keep me firmly grounded in the human side of shifter life because I spent so much time in my wolf form.
It gave us a strange relationship, though.
He obeyed me because I was the alpha, but he also had more leeway to call me out on my bullshit than any other Beta of a pack would.
“That doesn’t mean I want her hurt,” I said through clenched teeth. “I…” I took a breath, trying to push away the tightness that was forming in my chest. “I love her. That’s why all this is so difficult.”
Rainier crossed his arms and leveled his eyes on mine. “It’s only difficult because you’re making it difficult. Seems pretty simple to me. You love her, she loves you. You haven’t said the words yet, but it’s obvious—oh, holy shit!”
Turning, I found what he was staring at. A huge group was reappearing from the forest. All the women, with June and Linnea at the head of the pack. Linnea had an arm around June, and both women were laughing.
“She fucking did it,” Rainier muttered, shock and awe in his voice.
Without saying a word, I sprinted toward her. I had no idea how she’d defeated Eugenia, and I didn’t care. All that mattered was that she was alive. She’d made it.
“June,” I cried as I drew near. “Are you all right?”
She glanced up at the sound of her name.
Instead of a broad, beaming grin, I received a subdued smile.
Her happy demeanor changed as soon as she saw me, and I felt another twinge of regret at how I’d behaved.
That was something to worry about later, though.
Once I was upon her, I saw the cuts and bruises all over her body, which made me feel even worse.
I pulled her into a hug and kissed her. She allowed it, but she didn’t kiss me back. When I stepped back, she turned her head.
“You’re hurt,” I said, running a finger gingerly across her forearm where blood had dried around a cut.
“It’s fine,” she said, pulling her hand back.
“No, it’s not,” I said. “We need to get you some medical treatment. Bandages, antiseptic cream, everything. Come on. I’ll take you to the infirmary.”
“I’m fine.”
She was holding back. I could sense it, and so could my wolf. He whined at the back of my mind, a petulant sort of rage emanating from him. It was directed at me, and I didn’t like it. He was angry about what was happening. Angry with me.
“Can…can I get you something to eat or drink?” I asked, slipping into helplessness.
“Linnea and I were going to go have a celebratory drink,” June said, turning to her friend and giving her a genuine smile.
Linnea seemed to notice the tension between June and me. She gave me an apologetic smile.
“Why don’t I join you? We can celebrate together.” I put my hand on June’s shoulder. “You can’t imagine how proud I am of—”
June shrugged off my touch and shot me a withering look. “I think this is going to be more of a ladies-only celebration.”
Backing away, I allowed June to lead Linnea away. The other woman glanced back at me, mouthing two words: I’m sorry.
A crushing loneliness and depression descended upon me. I’d done this. This was all my fault. My fixation with Naphele had pushed June away, and I wasn’t sure how to draw her back in.
Once the two women were in the dining hall, I trudged back to my cabin, furious at myself. It wasn’t until that night, when I was tossing and turning in bed, that I realized June hadn’t been wearing the necklace I’d given her.