Chapter 17
Phin
The pain, particularly the aching throb behind my eyes, was the first thing I became aware of as I woke.
“Oh, saints.” Even whispering hurt.
I turned on my side to find the window lit brightly enough it was probably midmorning.
Squinting, I groped for the glass of water Tap had so kindly left on my bedside table.
Propping myself up on my elbow, I drank slowly, hopeful not to upset my stomach.
Once I was sure the water wasn’t coming back up, I reached for the vial of pain reliever and drank it as well, willing it to work swiftly.
“Ramsey?” I called, worried I’d missed getting to see her again before she left. “Are you still here?”
After a moment, her head appeared over the end of the bed. I’m here, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?
“Terrible. I just wanted to be sure you hadn’t already gone.” Every word stabbed at me, the headache more vicious than any I’d ever had excepting one.
I stayed to keep an eye on you. If you’re not one to drink, stone kin homebrew is a bold way to start, mistress. She was making fun of me, and I deserved it.
“I just needed my mind to be quiet. I knew that would help.”
Ramsey whined. I understand, mistress. And I am equally confused and sorry your mother didn’t tell you the truth. I don’t know why that was kept from you. But as your demon said, it changes nothing.
“He’s not my demon,” I scoffed, carefully moving my body the rest of the way upright, and letting the waves of nausea pass before trying to get all the way to my feet.
Ramsey cocked her head to the side. If you say so.
Her words itched at my brain, but I couldn’t think well enough to worry about them at the moment.
The memory of getting up to leave the little cabin and tripping over my own feet on the way out the door rose up.
“Oh saints. I was so drunk he had to carry me home, wasn’t I?
I think I even laughed about it.” I buried my face in my hands.
The memory of his warm fingers threaded through mine made me groan into my palms. I’d even held his hand.
And for how long? Hours? And then I kissed his cheek.
If it’s any consolation, he seemed completely unbothered by that development.
“It’s not.” Mortification set in. I’d made a fool of myself in front of him and his family.
Do you need help? I can get the Watchman, and we can see if he feels any differently today.
“No!” The exclamation had me sucking in a breath through my gritted teeth.
It was too abrupt, too loud, and hurt my throat as well as my head.
“I can do this part myself, thank you very much. And then maybe some breakfast will help.” I reached up and pressed my cool fingertips against my temple on one side, the throbbing behind it wildly painful.
You can just think our conversation at me, you don’t have to speak. Maybe that will help too.
I tried what she suggested as I made my way to the sink. Can you hear me?
Perfectly.
How convenient. I wet a cloth in cold water and pressed it to my face and neck.
My eyes were red and irritated, my throat dry and achy, like I’d spent the night breathing smoke.
I resorted to splashing water directly onto my skin and drinking a bit from my cupped hands.
Once slightly more revived, I made use of the toilet and very gently brushed some of the knots out of my hair, which had finally gotten long enough to tangle.
Even my scalp was sore. Will this work when you’re far away?
I don’t know. We’ll just have to try and see what happens.
Cheered by the possibility, I pulled on my most comfortable leggings and oversize tunic, surprised by a gentle rap at the door just as I turned to find some heavy socks. The toes of Tap’s shoes and the long outline of his body were visible in the gap where the door was cracked.
“Phin?”
“Yes, you can come in,” I said, pushing the door open.
“I thought you might be hungry.” He held a tray in his hands, one with strange legs on it. “Though I expected to just leave this on the dresser, if I’m honest. I’m surprised you’re up. Are you feeling alright?”
“Yes, I’m okay.”
Go sit in the bed, mistress. Ramsey instructed, her laughter clear inside my thoughts.
I did what she asked, Tap visibly relaxing as I made myself comfortable with pillows at my back. “Oh.” My gasp was audible as he settled the tray across my lap, the reason for the design now obvious. “I could have gone to the kitchen.”
Tap ducked his head and spread the items out across the tray.
“I wasn’t sure what would sit best, or if you were feeling ill, so I brought a bit of everything.
” He moved the dishes apart, revealing that he’d made me toast with jam, a bowl of hot grain cereal with syrup and dried fruit, plus a bowl of halved starberries.
There were also three cups on the tray, a small one of apple cider, a mug of tea and another tall glass of water.
“The sweetness helps when my stomach’s off sometimes. ” He gestured at the cider.
“This is so nice.” My voice was thick, awe and confusion warring in my chest.
“One more thing.” He reached into his back pocket and produced the little bouquet Merry had given me, safely tucked into in a lopsided vase I suspected he’d made on the pottery wheel in the workshop.
As I stared, Tap set the vase on my bedside table, turning it so I’d get the best view of the pretty little wildflowers.
Oh my, mistress. Breakfast in bed? Flowers? You are indeed well cared for here.
Ramsey! I scolded, my face hot. She just laughed again and hopped up onto the foot of the bed so nimbly the mattress barely registered her weight at all.
I could have blamed the effects of having drunk the spirits or my episodes, but those things were not to blame for my racing pulse.
Tap had performed all these tasks hovering over me, his face mere inches from mine.
His arm brushed the sleeve of my tunic, the scent of him in my nose as I tried to slow my breathing.
“Thank you.” Even my voice had stopped working properly.
“The pleasure is mine.” If I hadn’t been so close, I wouldn’t have seen the blush that stained his cheeks and even spread to the tips of his ears as he met my eye. “I’ll come back in a while and get the tray.”
“No, you don’t have to. I’ll take it and wash the dishes when I’m finished. I need to get to the library anyway, I’m already—”
“Please don’t say late.” He shook his head. “Because you’re not. You’re having a very well-deserved lie in. You don’t have to go in that room at all, not today or tomorrow or the next day unless you want to.”
“But—”
“No. Phin, please. Rest. Take care of yourself. The library project is not meant to consume all your time, nor is it a race. Take the day. I’ll come back later to check on you.
Ramsey.” He bent at the waist, not quite going into a bow as he addressed her.
Then, not waiting for my response, he strode out the door, leaving it open a few inches like I preferred.
As I sampled the hot cereal, Ramsey’s cackle was loud in my aching skull. Well cared for indeed.
I have no idea what’s going on, I admitted.
Really? Because it looks to me as though you’ve stumbled into a lovely situation. Accept the kindness, mistress. You deserve this.
“What is this?” I asked quietly.
Comfort. Consideration. Kindness. All things you’ve lacked for some time.
I had no response to that because Tap had definitely offered those things from the very start.
Whatever the medicine had been, it had finally started to work, the pounding in my head lessening to a dull throb. “How long will you be gone this time?”
I don’t know. She settled her chin between her paws, watching me. Hopefully not long. I will return to you, Phin.
“I know.” I worked my way around the tray, a bite of this, then that, a sip of hot tea, then the apple cider. Finally, I broke off a bit of the toast and offered it to her. She accepted it happily, smacking her tongue long after the little taste was gone.
“Where did they go, Ramsey? Why didn’t they come back for me? Why did they leave me there?” My voice cracked. I stared at my beloved hound and she stared back, her chin coming to rest on my foot.
They couldn’t, mistress. Nothing else is possible. They wouldn’t have stayed away unless they were unable to get back to you. None of us would.
“I hope they’re okay.”
Ramsey didn’t answer.
It was childish, I knew. There was no reason a woman of my age should be so hung up on their parents doing what they thought was best to keep me safe.
But I missed them terribly, and had more questions for them than I knew what to do with.
Having gotten just a taste of life outside the church, meeting Tap’s family and friends, seeing Ramsey again after so long …
it all reminded me just how little I’d actually lived for the last decade.
It was difficult not to compare my new life to how I’d lived at the church, especially now. I’d shrunk myself further and further under the guise of safety, not realizing that the bits of me getting chipped away shouldn’t have been a required sacrifice.
Perhaps it had been true, that distancing myself from others was necessary, but it had not all been in my best interest. Even with my parents, there had been some of that, especially during my visits to Heaven.
I was less, simply by virtue of the fact that my mother was not also an angel.
I was not allowed to study the same things, go into all the buildings.
More than anything, it was shocking and a little disappointing to discover that the first people to truly accept me exactly as I was and to care about my wants, needs, and safety were demons.