Chapter 24
Tap
The high-pitched hum of a gate activating drove me instantly from peacefully asleep to fully awake.
It took a moment for me to get my bearings, the room a different brightness and orientation than what I was used to. I looked over and found Phin asleep on the cushions next to me, and the memories of the previous evening crashed over me like a wave.
I focused on the bond, finding that my chest was sore, but the burning ache had gone.
“What have I done?” My voice was a ragged whisper as the reality of my impulsive actions settled in.
I tugged on my pants before rushing into the hall to find the source of the noise.
Stalking up and down the rows, I followed the light hum until I located the right doorway.
It was an old one, though not one of the decommissioned set I’d marked for investigation like I’d expected.
A long-haired piglike creature ambled in and out of the portal several times, looking forlorn and lost. The third time it poked its head back into the hall, I was able to corral it fully away from the doorway.
“How did you manage to get in there?” I asked it. They had mind speech, but faint and very broken. It took several minutes, but I was able to discover where they belonged and send them back through the correct portal.
As the rush of the urgent lost creature situation wore off, reality weighed me down.
Cursing myself, I returned to the room where Phin still lay curled in a ball sleeping, hesitating in the doorway.
Guilt gnawed at me as I traced the lines and curves of her form with my eyes, remembering exactly how they felt under my lips and hands.
“Foolish demon.” I scooped her into my arms and carried her back to her room, surprised at the warmth of her skin despite the fact that she’d been uncovered since we fell asleep. She shifted and relaxed under the weight of her blanket, and I left her there, shame sinking further into my skin.
After tidying the room, I sat on one of the cushions with my head in my hands.
I’d allowed myself to disappear into the silence that Phin’s presence gave me.
Tattooing or piercing my flesh always provided a level of grounding and clarity, but this had been different.
My mind had emptied completely with her warmth against me.
I’d sunk to a place where I was allowed to just exist, just feel.
The bond had been soothed, and my mind had been stilled.
There had been nothing but her, and she was more important, more vital than the air I breathed.
The peace of her touch was a shocking and blissful respite from the usual onslaught of tangled, overwhelming thoughts that never truly stopped.
I’d done something irreversible, drunk on the quiet she provided.
The bond was almost certainly sealed, and she had no idea we were even mates.
I’d done the very thing I’d never wanted to do.
I’d stolen her choice. The ramifications would last literally forever, and she’d be well within her rights to hate me for it.
After going through my bathing and dressing routine I returned to the hall, all the thoughts and plans and sounds I’d been so relieved to unburden myself of, if only for a short time, piling back on.
There were six doors that needed to be inspected for unusual energy patterns—not including the one that the pig creature had come out of—nine that were closer every day to being decommissioned due to lack of use and three that needed secondary alternates created nearby because of how much use they were getting.
Meals needed to be planned and prepared, and I was hopeful that Seir had remembered my request for more laundry washing powder.
My list of need-to-dos and things to watch grew longer as I paced. Top of the list was finding a way to turn back the clock so I could undo this mistake. I needed a way to unseal the bond I wanted more than anything I’d ever had in this life.
Just as the portal for the glade activated down the next row, I realized I perhaps it wasn’t impossible after all—I just needed a powerful mage. And I knew exactly where to find one of those.
“Good morning!” Seir sang, headed for the living area.
“Over here,” I called, and he spun on his heel. “Did you remember my soap?”
“I didn’t forget it, but I also don’t have it today. Hailon wanted to mix up a trial batch before I brought you some.”
“Hailon’s making it? What’s wrong with what you were getting at the market?” He followed me as I made my way back toward the living area.
“Grace is always showing her interesting new things. Soap and candles are the latest. Sometimes the new hobby lasts, sometimes it doesn’t.” He shrugged. “I’m not going to complain. One of them gets me pickles, another candied fruit. Candles and soap seem like nice additions.”
“Can you mind the hall for a bit today? I need to talk to Rylan.”
“Sure. But didn’t Vago just make you a mirror?”
“I need to talk to him in person.”
“Okay.” The way he was scrutinizing me made my face burn.
Faint light started creeping up the false windows. Soon, Phin would be up, and the least I could do was have something ready for her to eat. “Am I feeding you too?”
Seir frowned. “No. I ate before I came, like always. What’s wrong with you? Are you ill?”
He reached over to feel my forehead and I dodged. “I’m fine.”
“If you say so. I’m going to go get started. Maybe some extra-strong tea is in order? Do you have coffee? That might be better. I’m guessing you didn’t sleep? Again?”
“I slept.”
“Mmm. Sure you did.” Seir narrowed his eyes at me and stared, even as he took several steps back into the hall.
I fled to the kitchen and prepared a quick breakfast of eggs, toast, and fruit. I left Phin’s plate and a pot of tea on the table for her after I ate as quickly as I could, straight out of the pan over the sink, one eye on the doorway.
Seir and I worked in silence for a while, his occasional humming or chatter to himself unusually grating. I was so tense I was getting a headache, and I hated that he’d noticed my mood immediately.
“Good morning! Thank you for breakfast!” Phin called, and when I answered only with a tight, you’re welcome, Seir stomped over from several rows away and stared directly into my face.
“I’m officially concerned. What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing is the matter with me, I’m fine.”
Seir gasped and turned my head to the side with a finger on my jaw.
“What’s this?” he poked at a spot right behind my jaw.
“You have a bruise. What an odd place to get injured, brother. How did you manage such a thing?” His eyebrow went up and his smile spread, the mirth in his eyes prodding at my raw emotions.
“None of your business, Seir.”
Seir inhaled. “Tap. Did you and Phin seal the bo—” I smashed my hand over his mouth and hustled him to one of the farthest rows, looking over my shoulder like Phin might be standing nearby to overhear.
I knew better, she was in the library, but the fear of that happening still had my blood pounding.
“Would you be quiet?”
My brother’s features went serious at my stern tone. “Why are you so grumpy? Shouldn’t you be celebrating?”
I shook my head. “She still doesn’t know.”
His eyes went wide. “What?”
I sagged. I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with me. “I’ve ruined everything, Seir.” My voice caught and the anger turned inward, my eyes burning with tears.
“Hey. Hey, come on. It can’t be that bad.”
“I don’t see how it’s not. I acted selfishly. Now the bond is sealed, and she doesn’t know. I have to find a way to break it.”
He inhaled slowly through his nose. “Okay, let’s go one step at a time, okay? Where’s your mirror?”
I gestured vaguely toward the living quarters. “The familiars library. Why?”
“I need some support for this conversation, and we can’t just leave. But Phin is right next door, so that doesn’t feel like a very good option.”
I remembered the one Vassago had just made me. “I have the new one. But we haven’t tested it yet.”
“Yes, good.” Seir charged toward the living area, and I loped behind. “Where can we have some privacy?” I picked it up from the side table next to my recliner, considering the most secure place to go. “We can go to one of the workshops.”
He brightened. “I’ve never seen those rooms before. It’ll be an adventure!”
Resigned to proceeding with whatever he had planned, I quickly ducked into the first library and pulled the face-sized mirror down from where it hung on the wall just in case.
Through the crack in the double doors leading to the deals library, I could see Phin pacing back and forth as she sorted.
My heart clenched, a guilty flash of acid churning through my gut.
“Come on then,” I said to Seir, leading him past the kitchen and down the hall. I put my palm over the paintbrush on the workshop door frame, regretting having chosen that one the moment Seir noticed the portrait of us all still lingering on the easel.
“Are you making any progress, brother?”
“Not in a while.” I sighed. “But I’ll finish it.”
“I know you will,” he said, voice full of pride. “I’ve never doubted. And look, I’m already here and quite handsome!”
The corner of my mouth twitched despite my foul mood, and I settled the mirrors on an easel in front of the small sofa to the side of the work area.
Regretful, I went to the door and turned the lock.
I hated doing another thing I’d told her I wouldn’t.
While there was almost zero chance Phin would come looking for us, I didn’t want her to stumble into this conversation.
Seir was already seated so I took the spot next to him before speaking the words to activate the glass. A confused Vassago appeared in the new mirror, but the older one remained blank.
“Is this the new mirror or the old one?”
“New.”
“Well, that’s one question answered. Good morning to you both. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Is Rylan there?” Seir asked, before I could even open my mouth.