2. Chapter 2 The Weight of Duty #2
Subject's earliest formative experiences linked beauty and belonging to physical and emotional pain.
Unsurprising that she resists both. Both her mother's attempt to help the subject lose her "baby fat" between the ages of 8 and 14 and this resistance to fitting society's expectations for beauty explain the subject's penchant for frumpy, ill-fitting clothing.
Note: even without Juliana's unique challenges in childhood, her basic personality type is that of an introvert.
Restless for some reason, I click away from the psychologist's report and open one of the videos provided by the investigator, sending it immediately to full screen mode. My 8K Ultra High-Definition display makes it seem like I'm watching Juliana through a pristinely clear window.
She's coming out of the municipal library, her expression pensive as she walks down the steps, ignoring the handrail. Despite living in sunny Santa Fe, her creamy skin is pale. Her 5'3" body is hidden by a calf-length jumper even my grandmother would find modest.
Lady Aliyah would not approve of the short-sleeved t-shirt worn under it though. The tan top shows too much of Juliana's arms for grandmother's tastes.
I, on the other hand could wish she wore clothing that revealed something of the curvy figure the picture of her riding horseback shows.
Her hair is plain brown, no hint of auburn or rich depth of walnut, but the unprepossessing color of wet sand along the shoreline. Pulled into a French pleat with wispy tendrils escaping messily around her heart shaped face, I cannot tell if it looks silky, or not.
But my fingers itch to find out.
Suddenly, the camera zooms in on Juliana's face and for a moment, eyes the same deep turquoise of the Azraq Sea stare guardedly back at me.
Juliana's head turns to the right and to the left, like she is looking for something. Or someone. She's frowning and looking forward again when she pauses at the bottom of the steps.
A man approaching the library's entrance smiles at her and says something.
What did he say? Why isn't there sound on this video?
Juliana smiles back politely, but there is no corresponding smile or welcome in her eyes.
He says something else and she shakes her head, moving around him with the adroit efficiency of someone used to avoiding interactions with others.
It looks like he speaks again, but I cannot be sure because his head is now turned fully away from the camera.
My jaw tightens. Why isn't the operative moving in to get rid of the man?
Surely he realizes it is in the best interests of my House for her not to form any inconvenient attachments at this juncture.
Without speaking, or smiling again, Juliana pivots away from both the man and the operative holding the camera. I have no choice but to watch the shapeless form her jumper dress makes of her body as she walks away.
The clip ends and I'm tempted to restart it. To relive that moment it felt as if our eyes had met.
It makes no sense. The little peahen is nothing like the beautiful and socially confident women I date and yet I cannot bring a single one of their faces to my mind right now.
And hers will not leave it.
But I have to agree with the psychologist, Juliana has deplorable dress sense and is shy with strangers, showing no desire to form new social attachments.
A woman with her background and temperament would make a terrible Crown Princess. Not that my father will be thinking of matching Juliana with one of his own sons, much less his widowed eldest.
Annoyed for no apparent reason, I turn away from the computer entirely and look out my office window. Sun sparkles off the blue waters of the Sahar Gulf, nearly blinding in its intensity this time of morning.
What will Juliana think of living here in my island nation where my resource rich mountains separate the hot and barren desert and the lusher gulf? Would a woman with her temperament be happy here in the busy capital where the population has grown so dense over the centuries?
Most of my cousins live in Nurayn, though some make their homes in the Sahil al-Jadid village on the north of the island. It is less crowded with a slower pace of life, but my youngest brother's domain is also lacking in almost all amenities modern women favor.
Ayn al-Hayat, the seat of my own domain, is arguably the best place for a woman like Juliana Caldwell to make her home in Zahriya. Unfortunately, I am the only unmarried male of the Al Qadir line living at the oasis where the desert meets the base of the Jabal al-Dhahab.
Turning back to the computer I once again open the psychologist's report.
Subject is notably more physically relaxed in equine environments than in any other observed setting and her preference for the company of horses over people is notable.
Curious about the observation, I click on the video link labeled Juliana Caldwell: Solace Ridge Renewal Ranch.
She is easier in this one. Looser. And I can see what the psychologist meant. Juliana's hair has come partly free of the plait and she does not bother to fix it. More proof of her dismissal of beauty norms, or simply evidence of how comfortable she is in the company of the horses she trains?
Currently working with a gray gelding, Juliana does not rush the animal and makes no sudden movements. She simply exists in his space until he decides she is safe. It's fascinating to watch.
Beautiful in a way that has nothing to do with physical appearance.
The gelding drops his head to her shoulder. A peaceful smile playing on her bow shaped lips, Juliana closes her eyes.
I watch the video three times before I can force myself onto the next one.
Julianna Caldwell: Dinner with a Friend
With a male friend? Am I about to see footage from one of Julianna's sporadic dates? Instincts of primal possession trigger dark rage as I click into the video.
Juliana is with a friend. An animated woman around her age, pulls faces over something on her phone. This must be the DeeDee mentioned in the report. Juliana laughs, full and unguarded, the same expression I first saw in the photograph with the chestnut horse her father provided.
I pause the video, soaking in the unfettered joy on her usually guarded features.
Starting it again, because I want to see more of that laughter, I immediately notice I am not the only one who enjoys Juliana's delight.
The man at the next table watches her with hunger he should reserve for the meal in front of him.
He has no business looking at my little peahen.
The fury that dissipated when I saw Juliana's dinner companion is a woman roars back to life and I shoot off a text directly to Sebastian Hawk.
Mountain Sheikh: Instruct your man to keep other men away from the subject. Under no circumstances should one be allowed to approach her.
Mountain Sheikh: For anything.
Mountain Sheikh: Assign additional men if necessary.
Thirty seconds later, Sebastian's answer pings on my phone.
All Seeing Hawk: Will do. Anything you want to tell me?
There's no laughing emoji, but I can feel my old friend's humor across the oceans.
Mountain Sheikh: No.
It's not about me. It's about protecting the interests of the House of Al qadir.
I go back to watching the video.
The man looks away from Juliana only to look back again a second later.
Damn him.
She doesn't notice him, which is the only reason I'm not sending another text to Hawk, instructing him to have his people find out who the man was.
I click back to the psychologist's analysis and scroll down to the section regarding social interactions categorized as dating.
The subject's dates appear to have been friendly rather than romantic in nature. She tends toward friendships with men rather than pursuit of intimacy, with the exception of her sustained connection with a fellow member of the Saddleback Rockhounds.
That damned Lonny Porter.
Something sharp stabs at the base of my sternum.
Relationship ended when he made friends with a more socially gregarious female who was a new member of the club.
Evidence suggests Juliana Caldwell ended the relationship herself rather than waiting to be set aside, consistent with a subject whose primary self-protective mechanism is preemptive withdrawal.
She ended it herself.
Before he could do it for her.
What does that mean? How is the way a single relationship ended indicative of an ingrained self-protective mechanism of preemptive withdrawal?
I return to the earlier paragraphs I skimmed about her relationship with her parents and Juliana's high school years.
A single word stands out over and over again.
Withdrew. According to her father, Juliana withdrew from the close relationship she'd had up to that point with her mother when she was eight.
Coincidentally, the same age at which Paloma determined to fix Juliana's weight "problem".
She withdrew from the extended family when her grandparents started pressuring her to go back to the laser treatments at age eleven.
Juliana withdrew from all social interaction at school the same year she started equine therapy.
The pattern exists and rather than question her strength of character as I would with someone else, all I experience is anger at her family for not understanding she needed them to accept her as she was.
Subject presents as an emotionally intelligent, intellectually capable woman whose self-concept has been systematically shaped by external judgment from her family, peers and medical staff in charge of her physical wellbeing.
She does not believe she is desirable. She believes she is tolerated. Any man who approaches her with the intent to court her will need to understand that demonstrating consistent, unqualified regard for her as she is, not as she might become, is the only viable path.
However, artifice, however skillfully executed, will eventually register. When it does, the damage will be disproportionate to the original wound.