Chapter 7
Jareth was right. Over the past few days, none of the other things he’d planned have been as bad as the spearfishing incident.
If I ever see a canoe again, it’ll be too soon.
The guided wildlife hike up to the top of the mountain was fun, as was the horseback trail ride along the riverbank.
He redeemed himself from the canoe incident by taking me fishing the normal way with a rod and reel from the shoreline.
He’s been hounding me all week during every excursion we’ve been on.
Always asking if I’m okay and hinting that he’ll always have my back, that I can tell him anything.
That I don’t have to bottle everything up if something’s wrong.
It’s obvious something is wrong with me.
Anyone who looks at me close enough can tell.
Even Ashley noticed when she saw me yesterday, and we don’t even interact that much.
Because I avoid seeing her and Jareth together like the plague whenever I can.
She got in on a late afternoon flight from her business trip after her Tuesday morning flight was delayed by two days due to mechanical failure.
As soon as she saw me, she asked me if everything was okay, but I reiterated that I’m fine.
Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll believe it.
Normally after all his needling, I would’ve given in or snapped at Jareth to leave me the fuck alone, like I’ve always done if he annoyed me too much, but I haven’t done either one.
Though I can feel my resolve slipping as the time for them to recite those vows creeps closer and closer.
Every time he comes to me with “you can tell me anything,” I tell myself it would be so easy.
Just say “we’re mates,” then everything would be fine and we can live happily ever after.
If only those two words weren’t a nuclear bomb that would decimate an entire relationship.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cursed myself for every choice I’ve ever made until now.
That’s the thing about regrets, though: You don’t realize how many you have until the end, when it’s too late to do anything to fix it.
The ends don’t justify the means. I know I thought I was doing the right thing when we were teenagers by waiting until we were a little older and more settled, but somewhere along the way, seeing him with woman after woman, fear started setting in.
What if Fate got it wrong? What if I tell him and he rejects me?
Then I’m not just losing my mate, I’m losing my best friend too.
A friendship that’s fifteen years in the making suddenly coming to an end scares the shit out of me.
I can’t imagine my life without him in it, even though I’ve come to the moment where I’ll have to.
I haven’t seen Jareth since I had dinner with him and Ashley last night.
I tried to get out of it because I had no desire to see them be all coupley and affectionate with each other, but neither of them would take no for an answer.
They have stubbornness in common, apparently.
If I thought last night was bad, today’s worse.
As Jareth’s best man, I was required to participate in the practice run of the ceremony and watch her walk down the aisle to Jareth this morning.
I had to keep a stranglehold on both myself and my wolf to get through it.
At one point I almost broke a tooth because I clenched my jaw too hard trying to avoid saying something I shouldn’t.
Like “I object” or something worse: “He’s mine, and you can’t have him.
” My wolf instinctually wanted to rip her to shreds, but it’s been so long since their relationship started, he didn’t put up much of a fight when I forced him to back down. Small blessing, I guess.
Something has shifted within me after the ceremony rehearsal.
I’ve gone from reluctantly accepting the loss of the bond Jareth and I are supposed to share to something far worse.
I nearly lost control of my shift for the first time since I was a pup on my way back to the cabin.
My thoughts have taken a darker turn too.
Why stay human when I can’t have the one person meant to be mine?
It would be so much easier to live as a wolf instead of suffering from the human emotions tearing my soul apart.
Deep down, I know what this means, and I’ve already prepared for the worst because of it.
Now, I get to sit through dinner with the rest of the wedding party and both their families.
Cue the sarcasm. I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a hot, rusty fire poker than be part of this, but I only have myself to blame.
My wolf whimpers in the back of my mind, and I have nothing to say that’ll comfort him.
I can’t say it’ll be okay when I know deep down it won’t be.
I had hoped I’d be able to get through this without losing my human self to my wolf.
That I’d have time to put my plans into motion and get far enough away from Asphalt Bay to start over and make it on my own, but now that the moment Jareth swears forever to Ashley is drawing near, I know it was all just wishful thinking.
Watching him marry her tomorrow will break me, and there’ll be no going back.
Since it’s come to this, I’ve left a letter for my parents and Jareth hidden in my suitcase.
They’ll only be found when someone goes through my things after I’m gone.
My wolf and I both know it’s the only outcome.
Originally, I was only going to reach out to my parents after I’d settled in Rockydale, but after dinner last night, and the rehearsal today, I knew I’d have to leave them some form of an explanation, or they’d always wonder why.
There’ll be no one to bring me back from the brink once the ceremony is over, not with my parents being halfway around the world on vacation.
I’m sure my parents would blame themselves for not being here for me, and I can’t let that happen.
They don’t deserve to bear the weight of that guilt when it’s all my own doing.
Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve is an ever-present thought swirling in my head.
I’m constantly going over things I should’ve or could’ve said and what I would’ve done if I had to do it over.
I would’ve told him we’re mates from the start, even if it meant losing him as a friend forever.
Maybe if I had, things would be different.
Or they might’ve turned out exactly the same.
We’ll never know because I took that choice from Jareth, and I’ll forever regret it.
I can’t live what remains of my life dwelling on the past and the what-ifs.
It serves no purpose other than to drive me insane faster, as if this whole week wasn’t already enough to send me over the edge.
I’m just going through the motions at this point.
Thank god neither of them wanted a bachelor or bachelorette party.
I don’t know what I would do if I’d had to plan that on top of everything I’m already going through.
I’m barely making it as is. My body is ready to give up the ghost. The mind and heart aren’t too far behind.
It literally took me twenty minutes to gather up the will to get out of bed this morning and another twenty to actually do it.
I barely made it to breakfast with the wedding party on time.
Had to smoke another pain reliever in order to walk to the door because showering and dressing sapped all my energy.
If there’s a silver lining to anything, it’s that other than the morning we arrived, I haven’t had any more nightmares.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been around Jareth or if the Fates have accepted this bond isn’t going to happen the way they planned it to.
I hope it’s the former and not the latter, because that would just be sad.
Kind of like putting frosting on a cake you didn’t know was poison.
Deceptively beautiful on the outside but lethal from the first deliciously shitty bite.
Just like this relationship that was doomed before it even started.
Sighing, I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror one more time before I force myself to leave for dinner.
Thankfully, it’s not formal. I don’t think I could’ve mustered the energy to do more than what I did, which was change into a maroon button-down shirt to go with the black jeans I already had on after this morning.
Even though I was invited to have lunch with the rest of the wedding party while Jareth and Ashley did whatever coupley thing their parents had planned for them, I refused.
My stomach has been in knots all day to the point where I’ve smoked almost my entire stock of nausea cigarettes, trying to curb it without much success.
I somehow managed to avoid being seen by anyone when I once again lost my breakfast on the way up the trail to where the ceremony’s being held, but I was worried my luck wouldn’t hold if I had lunch with them too.
Which is why I came back to my cabin and collapsed on the couch until it was time to get ready for dinner.
When I arrive at the lodge restaurant, I have to take a deep breath and give myself a pep talk.
Better suck it up, buttercup. They’ll notice if you act like you’d rather be anywhere else but here.
Girding up my courage, I walk toward the private room at the back, where the rehearsal dinner is being held.
All eyes turn to me when I walk into the room, and conversation stops.
Well this is embarrassing. You’d think I walked in here naked or skinned someone’s cat with the vibe in here.
Feeling my cheeks heat, I ask, “Am I late?”
Jareth’s mom stands and comes over to hug me. “Of course not, honey. We’re still waiting on a few more people.”
She squeezes me tight, and I savor the warmth. Can’t beat a mother’s hugs, even if she isn’t technically my mother. With a whisper she asks, “Are you alright, sugar? You don’t look so good. You’ve lost weight, too, I can tell.”
Emotion wells up within me, clogging my throat, and I have to suck in a deep breath before saying, “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”
She steps back and looks up at me with a mama-bear expression on her face. “I’m a mother, it’s my job to worry. You may not be my blood, but you know I consider you one of my own. Now tell me what’s wrong.”
Knowing I won’t win this one, I lean down and whisper so only she can hear, “Promise you won’t say anything to anyone until after the wedding? Including my parents.”
“Of course, honey.”
With a heavy sigh containing years of burden, I finally say the words. “I met my mate, but I can’t claim them.”
“Why not?”
Telling a little white lie, I say, “They’re happily married. I don’t want to break up a relationship. My wolf is pining, so that’s why I look the way I do. I haven’t told anyone until now because I didn’t want anyone’s focus on me and my issues when Jareth’s getting married.”
Devastation crosses her face, and she pulls me into another hug, one fiercer than before. “I’m so sorry, honey. Come sit down, I think we’d better start you off with a stiff drink.”
Grinning genuinely for once, I tell her, “Now that’s an idea I can get behind.”
She leads me over to an empty seat and waves a waiter over to take my drink order.
After ordering a scotch on the rocks that she says to make a double, I take a look at the menu, even though I know what’s on it.
We’ve eaten here enough times this week, I have the damn thing memorized.
Conversation begins to flow around me once again, and soon everyone has arrived.
Food is ordered, and things are going well.
Right up until the moment they aren’t anymore.
About an hour into dinner, after most of us have finished our plates, conversation is directed at Jareth and Ashley. Ashley’s grandmother says, “So, how soon after the wedding can we expect a little one to arrive? I’d love to be able to see a great grandchild before I die.”
Ashley rolls her eyes and says, “Grandma, you’re still spry, stop exaggerating. There’s no chance of you dying anytime soon.”
Her grandpa says, “Bah! Back in our day, women at your age would’ve already been married with at least a few kids.”
Ashley’s mother pipes in with, “He’s right, dear. Your biological clock is ticking. If you want to have children at all, it’s best to start as soon as possible.”
The thought of Jareth and Ashley having children sends my thoughts spiraling.
Knowing I can’t sit here and listen to this any longer and still keep my sanity, I make a show of noisily scooting my chair back and patting my stomach as I stand.
“Sorry to eat and run, but I’m so stuffed I feel like I’m going to burst. So, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll head out and walk some of this off. ” Don’t wait for a response. Just go.
With a chorus of “Have a good night” and “See you tomorrow” echoing behind me, I take my leave, doing my best not to seem like I’m panicking or in a rush, even though I am.
Just a few more steps, and you’re home free.
As I’m walking through the restaurant and the lobby of the lodge, I pray to myself, Please don’t let anyone come after me.
Thankfully, it seems the gods are on my side, at least for tonight, because no one follows me out.
As soon as I’m outside, I break into a run to get as far away from the lodge as possible.
I’m so lost in my head and the pain tearing at my heart, knowing I’ll never have kids with the one I love, I have no idea where I’m going.
The ground rumbles beneath my feet, and suddenly I’m free-falling toward the sound of rushing water.