Chapter 16 #2
She grabbed my hand to pull me toward the first pathway, which led to Predator Alley, according to the signs.
She’d gripped my hand as a guiding measure and nothing more, but when I shifted that grasp to lace my fingers through hers, her smile softened and her head ducked.
She didn’t try to change it back and slowed her gait so that she walked alongside me, our hands locked together.
I’d never been one to overthink physical touches or affectionate grazes, because it was part of the show. Touch allured men and women into my bed, providing me with my meal.
But as Serenity showed me around the zoo with her small fingers woven through mine, I was struck by how nice this was.
A smile adorned her face as she told me the name of every animal we saw, and her body leaned closer to mine while peering into the many exhibits.
Again, I was hung up on how nice it was.
Nice, because it was her.
“I’m surprised you don’t have any pets, seeing as how you love animals so much,” I noted as we watched a tiger—my kin, according to Serenity and the paint I wore—roll around on some grass.
Serenity sighed dreamily next to me. “I would love a pet. Honestly, I’d love a whole little family of animals.
But my apartment doesn’t allow pets, and while I planned on getting one once I upgraded to a house, Bradley was never a fan of them.
He thinks animals are gross. So I’ve kinda given up on that dream. ”
I squeezed her hand lightly. “Well then, it’s a good thing he’s not in the picture anymore.”
Her shoulders stiffened, and her eyes widened like she’d just remembered that, too.
I didn’t blame her for still thinking in the way she had for eight years.
They’d only been separated for a week. Still, I hated that his claws remained in her.
I hated that she still had moments where she tiptoed to the dance he’d created.
Her shock melted away. She leaned closer to my side. “You’re right. He’s not.”
After lunch in the safari-themed restaurant that overlooked the neighboring elephant, giraffe, zebra, and antelopes, we reached the exhibit Serenity had been leading me to all this time.
“Ta-da!” she squealed, releasing my hand to wave both of hers at the massive capybara enclosure.
The large rodents paid us no mind as they sat around the grass or swam in the pond with the many rubber ducks.
They were just as ugly in person.
“Wow,” I forced out, studying the furry creatures. I looked at the one closest to the glass. “We meet at last, Tom.”
“That’s not Tom,” Serenity corrected me. She pointed at a capybara getting out of the pond. “That’s Tom. This one is Huey.”
How she could tell the identical looking creatures apart was beyond me, yet she knew all seventeen in the exhibit, pressing her side into mine as she told me each one’s name with an affectionate smile. I wondered how it would feel if she looked up at me with that expression.
Clearing my throat, I scratched at my tiger ear headband. “Your capybara name knowledge impresses me.”
“I’d be embarrassed if I didn’t know their names given how much time I spend here. Speaking of …”
She gripped my arm and pulled me to a bench that sat in prime view of the capybara exhibit. She perched on the bench, and I sank down beside her. After digging in her bag, she produced my thriller book and a fantasy romance book for herself.
“This is where I like to sit while reading or writing.”
I quirked my brow and studied her painted face. “You write?”
Her doe eyes widened, and she quickly averted her gaze to open her book to a black ribbon bookmark. “I-I do. A little.”
“No shit. You should let me read your stuff sometime.”
She laughed softly and passed me a quick glance. “Maybe. We’ll see.”
“What do you write?”
“Romance books, of course. It’s all I read and write. I’ve tried other genres, but I’ve realized that if there’s no romance, I’m bored. I need love fueling the story.”
I nodded. “I get it. Even if love isn’t real, it’s fun to read about.”
Her brows rose, and her silver ponytail swung as she turned her head to fix her surprise on me. Her book became forgotten. “You don’t believe in love?”
It was only then that I realized what I’d accidentally admitted. I hadn’t meant to reveal that, but now that the truth was out there, it was like I couldn’t stop.
“No,” I shrugged. “I’ve never experienced it, so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not real.”
I thought I had. I thought I’d found a family, but it had been a lie. I thought I’d experienced love and received that in return. But that was a fool’s dream.
Her gray eyes studied my painted face before she declared, “I don’t think that’s true. How do you feel about books and reading?”
I opened my mouth to answer but immediately snapped it closed when the answer started to form on my tongue.
Serenity noticed my realization, too, and she smiled. “You love reading. I’d be willing to bet that’s not all you love, either. Your band and music, the guys who make up Sinners Do It Better. You already love, Dante. Different kind of love than a romantic one, but love all the same.”
She pursed her lips and tilted her head slightly. “Maybe it’s not that you don’t believe in that all-consuming, romantic love, but rather, you crave it so much that pretending it doesn’t exist makes living without it easier.”
Her words plowed into me with the weight of their truth. I could barely breathe past the twisting ache in my chest. I’d never thought of my anger and frustration with the emotion that way. Or rather, I’d never let myself think that way. Yet hearing her now, I knew she was probably right.
I wanted what people wrote about. I wanted what I’d always thought impossible for a demon like me.
I wanted what Zagan and Perseus had with Iyla and Harper.
Hell, I’d even take what Xander had, despite the pain that seemed to accompany his relationship.
I wanted love. I wanted to know that I, a monster of the dark, was worthy of being desired in that way.
“And you?” I asked, my voice rougher than it had been moments ago. “You still believe in that passionate love, despite the shitty relationship you’ve been in?”
“Of course.” Her voice softened, and she stared at the capybaras lounging in their exhibit.
She mindlessly fanned the corner pages of her book as she continued, “I have to believe in it, because some days, that’s all I have to hold onto.
I have to believe there’s more out there for me, just waiting on me to find it.
Life is short. If you aren’t doing what makes you happy and surrounding yourself with those you love and who love you, what’s the point?
At the end of the day, isn’t that what we exist for? Love?”
Life was short. For humans. But I wasn’t a human.
I was already multiple millennia old. I had a long existence ahead of me, and the purpose of it wasn’t to love.
I wasn’t some angel or messenger of light and hope.
I was a demon, here to seduce and consume pleasure.
I was here to lure people into wickedness.
That was my purpose. At least, it had been all this time.
“Hypothetically,” I started, my gaze still trained on the side of her face, “What if you could live a long ass time? Like, forever. Do you still think that would be the point?”
Serenity looked up at the winter sky and seemingly considered my question. If she thought my “hypothetical” question, which held no semblance of reality in her world, was dumb, she didn’t show it. She thought about it seriously.
Finally, she answered, “I think having that partner to face the world with would be even more important then. To live such a long time would mean seeing and facing extra hardship, and to do that without someone there by your side … I think that kind of existence would be lonely.”
Lonely.
The word dug the nail in harder, and I couldn’t find the ability to follow up with any more questions. Instead, I sat there with Serenity’s words.
I’d never had a word to describe the bitter hollowness and disdain that was my constant companion.
I’d never had a word I could link to the anger that would well up inside of me when I saw humans being affectionate or even when I saw my fellow demons with their humans.
I chalked up my reactions and feelings to my old bond.
But my feelings finally came together to make sense with that one word.
Serenity was right.
I was lonely.
I glanced sideways, watching her watch the animals with the hint of a grin, and in that moment, the pain in my chest eased a fraction. I wasn’t as lonely anymore.