TAKE THE DAMN MONEY
Morning light on my face woke me. Disoriented, it took me a few beats to realize where I was. Rafael was curled around me, sound asleep with an arm and a leg tossed possessively across my body. Which was sweet but, unfortunately, I needed to pee.
I squirmed, trying to escape his long, heavy limbs without disturbing him. At the first nudge, his eyes snapped open. He sprang away from me like a startled cat. I bounced backward on the immense bed, covers flying.
“Rafael? Are you ok?” I spat my nightguard into the case.
He breathed hard, as though he’d just come in from a run, and swiped his hands across his eyes. Fuck, was this a flashback? I readied myself to get away.
“I…I slept through the night.” Rafael looked at me, disbelief stamped across his face. “Did I wake you at all?”
“Not once, and I’m a pretty light sleeper.”
“No crying out or thrashing?” The sun from a high window I hadn’t noticed hit his eyes, sparking them into blue-white flame, and painted streaks of fire in his dark red hair.
“As far as I can tell, you slept quietly in that same position pretty much all night. If you’ll excuse me.” I grimaced and clambered off the bed to skip to the bathroom. He stared after me.
When I emerged, drying my hands, he was still staring.
“Rafael, what is going on?” I sat on the edge of the bed.
He crawled over and laid his head in my lap.
“I never sleep completely through the night with someone else in the bed. Rarely even do it alone.” His breath tickled my thigh.
“Elaine, please stay with me. Please. You are what I have been searching for all these years. This may sound absurd, but no one has ever made me feel safe enough to sleep like that. You have no idea how much that means to me.”
Oh, my heart! Also, damn, that morning voice! “It doesn’t sound absurd at all. You weren’t always so big and strong.”
Rafael squeezed his eyes shut. “You did not walk out when I spoke of my childhood. You did not ridicule me for my dating history or abandon me when you learned of my limitations. You did not vilify me for defending myself. You touch my scars with reverence and understanding rather than disgust. Even my request for pain, you met with acceptance. I need you here with me.”
“You beautiful man.” I stroked his hair. “I’ll stay as long as I can, but I don’t want to commute over an hour to work1. It’s all the way down in San Jose.”
He rolled over to look up at me. “Do you love your job? No? Then quit. I will buy you anything you need, and you will not have to pay rent or bills.”
“I have student loans.”
“I will pay those, too.”
“Rafael, I can’t. This is too fast. I really like you—I’m falling in love with you—but I need to catch my breath. You’re the kind of personality that could swallow a girl whole, and I want to stay my own person. You know, the person you enjoy so much. Does that make sense?”
He closed his eyes. Perhaps so I wouldn’t see his hurt. “Yes.”
Unease prickled up my back. “Do the people you date tend to fall hard and fast for you? I’m trying to understand, since you said you’re not a casual person, but it seems like you’ve had a decently large amount of partners.”
“They do, yes.” He traced circles on my leg. “The bulk were ill-considered, casual affairs many years ago. As I have said, they like the idea of me, but not the ugly reality. Or I discover they are not who they pretended to be.”
“I’m not running away, I promise. You were the one who said you wanted to move slowly.
Now it’s my turn for boundaries. I want us to spend more time together before we take the next step.
I need to understand what I’m getting into, and I don’t want to be dependent on you.
What if things don’t work out and we break up?
Then I’m out of a lease and a job and all my income. ”
His eyes snapped open. “I would not do that to you. You want your writing to become your main income, yes? I can help. I know many people who can open doors for you.”
My heart leaped into my throat. “That’s…wow, that’s very kind of you, but I kinda want to get there on my own merit.”
Rafael snorted and sat up. “Elaine, how do you think any of the arts and entertainment industries work? Networking and luck. You can work your ass off your entire life, be the greatest genius in the world, and never get a break. What is the difference between my introducing you to some contacts and someone discovering you organically, when it was your book that brought us together in the first place?”
The vehemence surprised me. “I suppose if you’d said what I just did to Travis DeWitt, that would have been pretty silly.”
His eyes blazed. “Fucking stupid. It is the very height of privilege to turn down a legitimate opportunity out of some bullshit bootstrap mentality. Pointless suffering will not make your writing more valid.”
I shrank away from him. Here’s that temper he warned me about.
Rafael’s voice grew louder. “I was homeless, Elaine. Raiding dumpsters at night and regularly getting my ass beaten. If I believed in God, I would say it was a divine miracle I did not end up bleeding out in a gutter or dead from a heroin overdose like almost everyone else I knew. From one literal starving artist to another, take the fucking leg up.”
I burrowed further and further into the covers with each sentence he pounded into my skull. Big, angry men were scary when they got worked up. Especially in my direction. Rafael stilled when saw how far I’d scooted away.
He tilted his head back and blew out a breath. “I apologize. I did not mean to raise my voice. Too many complicated feelings at once.” He climbed out of bed. “Coffee may not be enough to atone, but would it please you?”
“Coffee can atone for a lot of sins,” I whispered from my blanket fort, heart racing.
At least he looked contrite. “Come to the kitchen when you are ready. No need to rush.”
I slithered out of bed and went to brush my teeth and take my meds.
The circles were back under my eyes, making them look darker than their usual vaguely hazel-ish blue.
I washed my face and put on my bb cream and typical shadows and mascara.
It helped to have a little armor. Mom had drilled it into my head that ladies didn’t leave the house without their faces on. I felt naked without it.
I patted some setting powder on my nose and called it good. My Elfquest-themed t-shirt was rumpled, but I doubted Rafael would care. I pulled on my favorite soft jeans—great for lounging and they made my butt look good.
My jaw dropped as I entered the kitchen. Rafael had laid out a huge spread of food in small dishes on the kitchen island: olives, various cheeses, breads, eggs, cured meats, and a myriad of fruit jams and other spreads I didn’t recognize. There was even honeycomb.
“Kahvalti—breakfast—literally means ‘before coffee’, but I made you some. I also made bacon, just in case. Simit is similar to a bagel. You should try it.”
“Did you cook all this while I was in the bathroom?”
“I had it delivered from downstairs. They make a full Turkish breakfast on weekends.” Rafael put the Turkish coffee in its tiny cup in front of me.
“Do not feel obligated to try everything. They never listen when I ask for modifications. I told them no cheese, and look! I got you some lactose-free cheese if you would rather have that. The baristas downstairs have eight hundred cousins between them, so leftovers will not go to waste.”
“Hot, shirtless guy making coffee and a fancy breakfast for me? I could get used to this.” I took a little of everything and climbed into the café chair. “And I can have a little lactose-full cheese, if I’m careful, as a treat.”
“Am I forgiven yet?” Rafael sat across from me. “I am truly sorry. It has been a while since I last needed to curb my tongue. I should have noticed how it was affecting you.”
I couldn’t stop the smile creeping across my face. Charming fucker. “Maybe. We talked about some really heavy shit yesterday. It’s a lot to process, and I’m sure it stirred up some stuff you don’t like to think about. I appreciate how you stopped and removed yourself instead of getting more upset.”
He refilled his tiny cup. “I suppose therapy has been helpful after all. There was a time when I could not have stopped. Poor Dr. Raimi. She was only the latest in a long string of failed therapy attempts, but I terrorized that woman. She learned the hard way that if you push an argument with me to ten, I will take it to one hundred.” He set his cup down.
“Is that a cautionary tale?” I should definitely be more worried.
Instead, I nibbled at a salty cheese sprinkled with what looked like carraway seeds.
That one might be a new favorite. I’d just take extra Lactaid and pray to the gods of intolerance.
The simit bagel-thing was, in fact, delicious.
Damn the power of a hot, shirtless man, coffee, and breakfast.
“Perhaps. I will do my best not to treat you that way, but I cannot promise to always be at my best.”
“That’s honest enough. I appreciate how straightforward you’ve been with me.”
“Eh, I have talked far too much. More than my yearly allotment. My throat is hoarse this morning.” He cleared it as if to prove his point. “Now, I want to know more of you. Dreams, fears, aspirations. Hangups about sex.” His brows raised.
I laughed in spite of myself. “Can I ask you a question first?” When he indicated I should continue, I gestured with the remaining simit in my hand. “How did you get the name Rafael? That doesn’t sound very Turkish.”