Ineffably bad decisions
The blinking cursor mocked me. I sighed and closed my laptop; I’d been staring at it for almost an hour, willing the stubborn words to flow from my brain onto the page. Only my second night away from Rafael, and the sex DTs threatened to strike at any moment.
An incoming call brightened my phone. I’d changed his name to “Trickster God” in my contacts, and here he was living up to it.
With a deep breath to calm my giddy schoolgirl energy, I answered. “I was just thinking about you. Do I need to add ‘mind reader’ to the list of things you’re good at?”
“Thinking about me, how?” Rafael purred.
The phone did nothing to dilute the power of his voice. Damn, where were my earbuds?
I put the phone on speaker so I could clean my room. “I wish I could say it was something sexier and less pathetic than just lying on my bed yearning to see you.”
“Fuck this meeting. I will fly back tonight.”
“No, don’t do that. It’s just two more days. I’m being a baby because you’ve shown me how vastly underwhelming my life is.” Surely I had something sexier than a t-shirt that was still comfortable.
“Hmm, fine. This gives me more time to arrange your gift.”
I dropped the wad of clean underwear I’d found in the fresh laundry pile at the foot of my bed. “What do you mean, gift?”
“You will see.” He had that smug tone again. “I must entice you to stay with me, yes? Since my scintillating personality is not convincing enough.”
“Scintillating! Such a good word. I’m writing it down so I remember to use it.” I grabbed my ‘Chewy Vocab’ notebook and searched for a pen in the whirlwind disaster of my room.
A breathy laugh, then, “Cruel, Elaine. You are meant to be hanging on my every word, not filtering them for later use in your books.”
“Too bad my housemates are home, or I’d put that ego to work. You could sing into the phone so I can put it between my legs.” Was that where all my creativity had gone? Straight out of my writing into my libido? I’d never been this sexually assertive with a man.
“Degenerate.” But his tone was intrigued.
I folded my boring t-shirts and jeans. “Says the man with a whole ass secret dungeon! I don’t even know what you use some of the shit in there for.”
Rafael’s voice curled around me in a sensual caress. “I will happily demonstrate.”
“The fuck you mean, a secret dungeon?” came a voice from the hall.
I slammed my bag on the floor and threw the door open. “Dee, what the fuck? You’re eavesdropping now?”
Already in her bathrobe and bonnet, Deandra planted one fist on her hip and jabbed a finger at the phone. “With that deep ass voice, do you really think I had to?”
Rafael laughed. “Feeling left out?”
Her nostrils flared. “Ok, you’re definitely an axe murderer.”
I stepped between Deandra and the phone like that would somehow protect Rafael. “Uh, Dee, aren’t you the one who gets onto me for kinkshaming?”
The composer chuckled. “Relax, Deandra. I am the only one chained up and beaten in my secret dungeon. It will stay that way unless Elaine asks to switch. Give me your phone number for an emergency contact if it worries you.”
Deandra uncoiled, swayed by practicality. I put Rafael’s number in her phone. She changed his name to Axe Murderer and sent him a middle finger emoji. Her phone immediately lit up with incoming messages.
“Holy fuck,” she whispered, turning the phone around. “You did this, Laney?” In an aside, she whispered, “Also, holy fucking body. No wonder you’re down so bad.”
Rafael had sent selfies. Waist-up angles of his bare, bruised, magnificent torso, with his face and arms cropped out.
Flushed, I stifled the urge to lick the screen. “I sure did.”
He laughed like the demon he was. “Now, take your shirt off and show her your perfect, unmarked breasts, Elaine.”
What even were words? My brain refused to function. “You…I …goddammit!”
“Bro.” Deandra was similarly at a loss.
“No need to be embarrassed.” He was loving this. “I am sure Deandra has seen them before.”
“Nope. You are on timeout for bad behavior. Goodnight, Rafael.” I hung up to the sound of his rumbling laugh.
Dee turned slowly to me, eyebrows flirting with her hairline. “Your Music Man is one unique motherfucker.”
“He is that.” I sat heavily on the bed. “And he hasn’t done a single thing to me I haven’t asked for or enthusiastically consented to, but damn, does he love to mess with me. What am I gonna do with this man? I want to move in right now.”
She clapped me hard on the back. “You’re going to ride out this oxytocin flood until you can make some logical fucking decisions, that’s what.”
“Maybe he’ll just kidnap me, and I won’t have to decide.” I puffed out a breath, fluttering my grown-out bangs.
“‘Opeless’!” Dee left me to my disorganized packing.
My phone buzzed.
Rafael: I left a surprise in your car1. Go get it.
When had he done that? We were always together. Maybe before that big breakfast? I ventured out to the driveway and circled the Fiat. Nothing looked out of place. I opened the passenger door and bent over.
Strong arms grabbed me, a large hand clamping over my mouth. I screeched and thrashed, trying in vain to bite. My assailant lifted me into the air and carried me, kicking, down the street.
What the fuck what the fuck where’s my phone oh god I need Rafael!
A car door opened. I scratched at the muscular arm holding me. My fingernails skidded over an uneven surface beneath the sleeve.
Wait.
I stilled, inhaling a familiar scent of dragon’s blood resin.
“There you are,” Rafael said in my ear. “Sorry, I thought you would figure it out immediately when I told you to go outside.”
He tossed me into the back of the Escalade and climbed in after me, closing the back gate. Heart hammering in my skull, I stared at him; a bunny transfixed by a rattler.
“My flight came in this afternoon and I called you from here. I was planning to surprise you at the door, but you did not hang up when you thought you did. I heard you hoping I would kidnap you.” Rafael grinned. “So I thought of a sexy prank.”
A tremor caught me—the adrenaline dump. Tears blurred my vision. “You scared the absolute fuck out of me.”
His demeanor instantly changed from playful to concerned. “Elaine, I am sorry.” He opened the back gate and stepped out. “I really did not mean to scare you. I thought you would be startled at most and realize what was happening right away.”
My hands shook. My whole body shook—a meltdown was approaching. “Rafael, I thought I was going to be raped and murdered! How the fuck is that sexy or a prank?”
His eyes widened, and he pressed a hand to the center of his chest. “Fuck. You are right. How could I have been so thoughtless? Fuck!”
“B-because you’re still a fucking man,” I sniveled, trying to convince my brain I was not, in fact, about to be dismembered by a cannibal.
“Even after everything you’ve been through, you’ll never see the world the same as me.
Maybe you’re constantly looking for threats, but you’re so big and strong, you know you can fight them off. I can’t.”
“I am so sorry.” Rafael squeezed his eyes shut and hung his head. “I understand if you do not want to see me anymore.”
“Maybe not tonight, but I guess it’s a good sign that my first thought was wanting you here to protect me.” I rubbed my arms. The shivers slowly relented. God, somehow I still wanted to cling to him and kiss him.
“I will always protect you,” he breathed. “Always. Even from myself, if need be.”
“If I don’t go back inside, Deandra’s going to come out here and all hell will break loose.” I crawled out of the car. Certain timing dinged in my head. “Wait, when did you take those selfies?”
“Earlier today. I like to track the healing of marks.” He let me pass without reaching for me.
I stopped. God, I couldn’t just leave it like this. I weaseled under his arms. Surprised, he cradled me delicately as though I were a brittle sugar sculpture. Maybe I was.
I looked up at him, craning my neck. “If you were anyone else, I’d tell you to fuck off forever. But I like you way too damn much. Probably won’t move in any faster now, but I still want to be with you.”
Rafael expelled a relieved breath. “I am so sorry for frightening you. I do not deserve your forgiveness for being such a thoughtless asshole.”
My heart melted into mush, the useless thing.
“We all fuck up sometimes. That instant shift when you realized I was upset made me feel a lot better. I think we’ll be ok.
Just…please be more mindful. If we’d talked about it and negotiated limits ahead of time, I totally would have been down.
But I had no idea you were actually here, and it didn’t occur to me in the moment. ”
“I love you,” he said in the smallest voice a bass like that could muster. “I am sorry.”
Defeated by ineffable charisma, I sighed. “I love you too, asshole, and I’ll still come over on Friday.”
1 “#1 Crush” - Garbage