22. An inveterate shithead
AN INVETERATE SHITHEAD
Rafael did not look at me as he drove. Had I fucked everything up by going to that stupid party? How many more jealous exes did he have waiting in the wings to tear me to shreds? Worse, his threat to Molly awoke the atavistic fear I’d been keeping at bay.
“‘Men fear women will laugh at them. Women fear men will kill them’.” I hadn’t meant to say the quote aloud.
Rafael pulled the car over and parked, letting the engine idle. My heart kicked against my chest.
“I was trying to protect you.1” He gripped the steering wheel, staring straight ahead.
My vision swam. “That wasn’t protecting me—it was lashing out. If you were protecting me, you’d try to make me feel better. There’s no good reason for you to threaten a woman with violence just for being snotty.”
A muscle in the corner of his jaw jumped. Damn, he was still angry. But was it at me? Or himself? Molly? All of the above?
“You do not understand. If I had known Molly would be there, I never would have gone. She takes every opportunity to trigger me in public. Even wore that fucking lavender perfume.” Rafael exhaled slowly and forced himself to relax. “I did not mean to scare you.”
“But you meant to scare her.”
He closed his eyes. “I only wanted her to leave you alone.”
“Then get a fucking restraining order or something!” I didn’t intend to raise my voice, but the panicky rush overtook me. The more overstimulated and overwhelmed I grew, the harder it was to filter my words and tone appropriately.
His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “What fucking judge would issue that order against a wealthy white woman not even half my size?”
“Maybe if you hadn’t just publicly threatened that wealthy white woman, it would be different. You know your voice carries.” I forced my breathing to slow. Definitely didn’t want to set him off again. “Everyone at that party will be on her side now.”
He winced. Good, at least he was listening.
“When Molly assaulted you, that absolutely warranted self-defense. Mandeep told me about how awful she was to you. But tonight, you threatened to hurt her just because you were mad. That is not ok. That will never be ok.”
The red dashboard light gave Rafael a demonic cast as he bowed his head. “Seeing you upset makes me lose my temper.”
“That puts all the burden on me to control it for you. I get overstimulated easily in public. Are you going to lose it every time I have a meltdown?” Acidic dread curdled my belly. “If I’d left and it was just you and Molly, what would you have done?”
He finally turned to look at me. “Probably knock her ass out.” He said it so matter-of-factly, I shivered. “Maybe I should lie and say something you want to hear, but I told you I would not.”
I recoiled. ‘Mean as a subway rat,’ Kathy had said.
Rafael groaned and rested his forehead against the steering wheel. “Have I fucked everything up?” He gave the wheel a small headbutt. “This is what I do. Drag it all to hell. Are you going to leave me now?”
The despair in his voice unraveled me. He was so lost.
“You scared the fuck out of me tonight. I don’t want to have to leave, but I don’t like this side of you at all, and I have a history of being too trusting.
” I fought down the rising nausea. Damn my sensitive tummy.
“Would you hurt me if I tried to leave?” Should have asked that at the very beginning.
Rafael’s eyes widened. “No, of course not. I have never wanted to be your captor.”
My face screwed tightly with my resistance to what I needed to say. “I really, really don’t want to draw this parallel, but you probably thought you’d never hurt Molly, either. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
He hissed out a breath and muttered something in Turkish through clenched teeth.
I’d struck center mass and hated myself for it, but I had to keep pushing. “I promise I’m not trying to upset you. Rafael, I love you so, so much. Your intent has never been in question. But we’re both emotional people—what happens when I inevitably piss you off?”
Bitterness hardened his face. “Are you planning to sexually assault me as well?”
“Don’t do that. You know that’s not what I’m saying.” I picked at my seatbelt to give my nervous hands a task. “Will you always be able to leave the room? If I leave the room, will you come after me? What if we’re somewhere neither of us can easily leave?”
Rafael breathed deeply, forcing himself to calm.
“It is a fair question. I will not chase you or try to trap you. Sometimes a complete subject change can disrupt the cycle. If I cannot escape the situation, I will seek pain to bring me back down. What does not turn outward must turn inward.” He ran a hand along his arm.
“Slap me in the face if you have to. Seems counterintuitive, but it helps me focus.”
“You’re right, I never would have thought of that. You’re also kind of hard to slap when you’re looming over me.”
“Tell me to kneel, then.” His gaze was steady.
Did I have the fortitude to bring this man to his knees when he was in a rage?
“You can,” he answered my unspoken thought with surprising confidence.
‘You are not as subtle as you think.’ Well, damn.
My nails scraped over the thick seatbelt weave. “I’ve observed two main ways you lose control: bloodlust and fear. The first one is obvious. You get this wild look on your face when a fight escalates to a certain point.
“Fear meaning for yourself, like through a flashback, or fear for my safety. I can assume that other people upsetting me triggers you, since you had outsized responses both times.”
Rafael gave me a considering look, brows pinched together. “It feels the same; that flash of choking rage, then I see red.”
“There has to be a solution. I appreciate your protective instinct, but not if it means innocent people get hurt or you go to jail. Or both.” Benson’s face flashed behind my eyes.
“What if we get creative? Bear with me, but how about a metaphorical collar when we’re out in public?
I don’t mean call me ‘Mistress’ and go full 24/7 lifestyle, but you’d submit to my lead unless we’re actually in danger. Do you trust me enough for that?”
His brow pinched in consideration. “That…could work. For you, I will try anything.” Rafael’s eyes softened. “I like this confidence in you.”
“It’s just been so much change so fast, and it makes me unsteady.” A whirlwind of change, and no small amount of risk.
He gripped the wheel. “I should not have put you in that situation tonight. Molly has always been a bitch—”
“Hey, can we drop the gendered insults, please? Men saying ‘bitch’ in a derogatory way toward women makes me really uncomfortable.” I’d always hated it when men used that word.
There was no male gendered equivalent, and it was often diminutive.
Little bitch. My dad had called me that.
“I know it’s common in the queer community, but still. ”
Rafael straightened. “Yes. Forgive me. Queer or not, it is a bad habit I must break. I cannot criticize your friend for her ignorance and then do the same thing in a different key.”
That sinking feeling subsided a bit. “You joke about being a terrible person, but I can tell it really isn’t a joke. It also isn’t true.”
“How can you say that?” His tone was flat, but beneath it hummed raw pain.
“Because good people can do bad things. Even though your temper got the best of you, you wanted to protect me. You’re startlingly honest about all these unflattering facets of your personality.
You can be so sweet and loving, and you make me feel better about myself than anyone else ever has. Your rage is not who you are.”
A slow exhale. He didn’t want to believe me.
“You’re been working on yourself all alone for a long time. Please let me help.”
“The beast within me has been there all my life. Even as a kid, I picked fights I knew I could not win.” Rafael’s fingers drummed on the steering wheel.
“But I do not want to return to my sleepless, miserable life before you.” He exhaled.
“I know I fucked up. You are right. I wanted to scare Molly so badly she would never fuck with you again; but I scared you too, and I am sorry.”
And I didn’t want to ask my next question, but I’d never get that particular flavor of anxiety out of my head otherwise. “Molly said I’m not your usual type. What did she mean by that?”
His nose wrinkled. “She was just trying to upset you. If anything, Molly is not my type. That relationship was my forced attempt at a vanilla, heteronormative life.”
“I’m sorry you did that to yourself, but you’ve been with so many fascinating people who’ve led way more exciting lives than me.” Mandeep, Benson, Molly Lively; twenty-sevenish more attractive, interesting, intimidating exes to go. I’d drown at this rate.
Rafael reached for me, hesitating just before his fingers made contact.
“Why do you refuse to believe you are fascinating? Valuing some high-maintenance style over comfort does not make anyone special. Your creativity expresses in words, in your sexuality, in your genuine interest in the world. You feel emotions so strongly and without reserve. It captivates me. Normally, I am uninterested in sweet-tempered people because I know I will be too much for them. It is the mistake I made with Mandeep. But from the start, I sensed you had steel beneath the sweetness.” His smile wavered at the edges, skewering my heart.
“Anyone that taken with my music is not a cream puff.”
I rubbed the center of my chest, trying to disperse the tension now that the crisis was mostly over. “You’ve brought out that darker side of me in the healthiest expression it’s ever had.”
His smile strengthened. “I am grateful for that side of you. It is an honor to witness.”
The engine cut off. At least out in the wooded hills, we didn’t have to worry about randos trying to break in or harass us. At worst, some rich person might call the cops because we dared to park on their property, but that was unlikely.
The confrontation still pecked at my brain, and I picked at the stitching on the leather upholstery. “Is it true what Molly said about how you get fixated and then get bored with people?”
“Somewhat true, but that was more about incompatibility. I tried all sorts—except for fans. You are the first fan I have ever slept with.”
“I call bullshit.” No fucking way. Too many hot nerds loved his scores.
Rafael gave me a rueful smile. “This will sound arrogant, but I have never needed to rely on celebrity to attract people. Some people told me they were fans after we hooked up, but I have always refused anyone who led with that. Too many potential issues with power imbalance. I want to be seen for who I am, not whatever weird parasocial shit someone cooked up.”
“What changed your mind with me?”
“Your little dance was so fucking pure, and you did not get pushy when you recognized me. That was why I took so long to shake your hand; trying to decide if I should allow you to run away with my heart, since you had already stolen it.” Eye crinkles.
My heart fluttered. Damn his charisma. “All the bullshit with Molly fucked me up worse than ever, and I did not seriously try to date anyone else until you. Not until I was finally ready.
“Most of my exes swore they would not try to change me, but eventually they demanded I stop fighting, or keep regular hours, or be more social. Or…” His eyes pleaded for understanding. “Or they got scared and ran.”
I held out a slightly shaky hand. He took it immediately.
“Are we good?” I asked in a small voice.
“You are wonderful. I continue to be an inveterate shithead.” Rafael kissed my hand and started the car. “But I love you, and I want to be better for you. I will submit.”
“You might have the devil’s feather, but at least you’re my devil.”
“I am completely and utterly your devil.”
I woke up when we parked in the garage. Stress did that to me sometimes—hard reset for the brain via napping. God, I did not want to walk another step in heels. I rubbed the bottoms of my feet, considering the wisdom of walking barefoot across concrete.
Rafael leaned on the passenger door. “Shall I carry you?”
I held my arms out, and he gathered me from the car. Once I had the jewelry removed, my clothing tossed, and my face scrubbed, I fell into bed in my panties only. Fuck looking for PJ’s.
“Do you want me here?” Rafael asked from the doorway.
What a shame that he’d traded that delicious kilt for joggers.
I held my arms out again, and he settled into them. “I don’t like being alone when I’m upset. That’s when the bad thoughts catch me. Just squeeze my soul back into my body and tell me I’ll be ok.”
Rafael touched my face. “I have never groveled in my life, but I will if it means you forgive me.”
“Just hold me, please. Without clothes; I need to be close to you.”
I rolled on the bed as Rafael shifted his weight to grant my request. I snuggled into his embrace, tracing the scars like braille on his arm. If I learned how to read the language of his pain, surely together we’d translate all that rage into something healthier.
1 “Sympathetic Character” – Alanis Morissette