Half a league onward
“You have the garage code. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Just take the elevator to the top. You can’t miss the front door.”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can,” Dee said. A pregnant pause, then, “Don’t do anything stupid, Elaine. I’m coming. Just wait for me, ok?”
I turned the ringer on for perhaps the first time since I’d bought my phone in my desperation for Kathy’s call. I shouldn’t have left Rafael in there alone. What if they kill him? Was I stupid for telling him to leave the gun behind?
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream and rage and burn the whole peninsula down.
Finally, I pulled into the garage and parked shittily across the lines. Even though Rafael had all the spaces for himself, he always parked carefully and correctly.
“Please yell at me when you come home,” I whispered. “Please come home.”
I kicked off my shoes and made straight for the booze. Who else but a giant would keep their liquor in the top cabinet? I dragged over the stepstool Rafael had thoughtfully purchased for me.
I drank whiskey straight from the bottle, staring at the 9mm on the counter. The part of my brain that had seen way too many action movies told me to take the gun and rescue my man. The rational part of my brain reminded me it would end exactly like what I’d warned Rafael about.
My phone stubbornly refused to ring. I almost called Kathy again, but she was probably busy with whatever she needed to do to help.
I desperately needed a distraction. Writing was out.
No way I’d be able to focus. Music only reminded me of him.
TV had no appeal; the shows I’d been watching lately were all too romantic.
I trudged into my office and flipped open my laptop. Work was boring as hell, but at least it had no outside associations. I set the whiskey bottle on the desk and signed in, opening my email account.
The latest one was flagged “Urgent”. I opened it.
“Dear Elaine Parham,
We’re sharing a difficult decision today that impacts you, as well as the entire industry. With the acquisition by Extruda and the advances in generative artificial intelligence…”
I slapped my laptop shut. This was not happening. Not today. Not right now. The timing had to be deliberate. I chugged more whiskey than was wise; not only for my mental state but with my medication.
Fuck it.
I took another long drink, throat burning from the liquor. And another. If I couldn’t see straight enough to read my email, then it didn’t count. I opened the laptop again and skimmed to the bottom.
“Please collect your belongings from the office by close of business on Monday. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.”
I snapped it shut again, my breath coming hard and fast. The old darkness uncurled in my chest. I rubbed my hands over my upper thighs. Over the scars.
An insidious thought slithered into my mind. Rafael had a straight razor.
“No, I can’t do that to him,” I said aloud. “He would be so triggered. That’s not fair. He’s already going through so much.”
But the siren’s call to bloodletting did not relent. I paced into the bedroom. Looked up at the cubby. Into the kitchen. Looked at the stepladder. Back and forth. I broke, dragging the stepladder into the bedroom. Rafael had claimed I wouldn’t be able to reach.
Stop. What are you doing? He’s going to freak the fuck out.
The darkness had me in its teeth, stamping out that rational voice. I stood on the top step and strained. My fingers couldn’t quite reach the cubby. Again, only a giant would put a cubby there. I climbed down, repositioned the stepladder, and tried again.
This time I stepped on the frame, bracing against the wall. Almost. Aallllmost…
The cubby was empty.
The front door opened. “Elaine?”
Shit.
My foot slipped. The stepladder tipped over. I hit the bed with a loud whump, cracking my knee against the floor. The shakes started in my hands. They spread throughout my body. I curled up on the mattress and howled out my pain.
Deandra came running. “Laney, what the fuck happened?”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I was gonna…” My words smashed together, rolling into one big ball of clay. “Rafael used to shave with a straight razor and he put it up there so I wouldn’t be tempted but I’m so overwhelmed and I had too much to drink—”
Dee bearhugged me into silence. “Shh, you’re ok. You didn’t relapse. You came real close, but you’re ok. Music Man was looking out for you.” She rocked me until the sniveling stopped.
I scrubbed at my eyes. “I’m ok, I think. Thank you.”
“Come on, let me look at that knee, and then let’s get you sobered up.” She bandaged my already-throbbing knee and dragged me, limping, into the kitchen. “If it’s not better by tomorrow, you’re going to Urgent Care.
“Also, Frank was over when you called. I had you on speaker, and he said some smartass shit about how you’d need a new meal ticket. Girl, I’ve never seen Annie get that heated. She ripped that old white man a new one.” Dee’s eyes sparkled with malicious glee. “I think they broke up.”
Three big glasses of water later, plus a rice dish I’d almost forgotten about in the fridge, the spinning in my head slowed. Thank god I kept leftovers. Rafael threw his away unless I wanted them. Not that much survived his appetite.
The brass hardware on the cabinets flashed as Deandra opened and closed them in quick succession, pointedly ignoring the gun on the counter. “Where the fuck do y’all keep the coffee?”
I’d give anything for a coffee made by Rafael right then; up to and including my soul. “I’ll make it. Please sit.”
Wait. Gold flashing. Like Mandeep’s jewelry. He’d said he wanted to help; surely he’d want to know about all this. I sent a wall of text.
Dee watched me open the inset with the espresso maker and fire up the machine. “When are you supposed to hear something?”
“Whenever Kathy calls back, I guess.” I almost exploded the oat milk by overheating it. “Um, we have some rose syrup that’s really good if you want it? I know how you like a milkshake.”
The phone rang as if summoned, and I catapulted out of the kitchen to grab it.
“Hey honey, it’s Kathy.”
“Please tell me Rafael’s ok.” I put her on speaker and Deandra huddled beside me.
“Well, not yet. I called in the cavalry to help look for him. Apparently, he’s not at that cabin anymore.” She sighed, and the phone crackled. “Nobody was there, but the front lawn was all torn up.”
Dammit, no more tears! “What can I do now?”
“That’s all we got for tonight, kiddo. It’s too dangerous to go stomping around in those steep hills in the dark. They’re gonna start in the morning if you wanna join. Just make sure you get to the station first.”
“How can I ever repay you?”
“Don’t worry about it, honey. All I did was call some folks. You just make sure my boy’s ok. Let me know when you find him. Maybe you two come visit me in New York sometime, eh? Or at least LA. I know how you Californians like your sunshine.” She hung up.
Deandra hugged me hard. “Was that Good Pussy Kathy?”
“The one and only.”
“Well, I wish there was a more fun reason to be having this sleepover, but I’m glad you called me.”
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped. I didn’t even know we had a doorbell. I scurried over and opened it to Mandeep wearing an all-grey linen outfit and a worried expression.
“Whoa, that was fast.”
“I have an apartment not too far from here. Just happened to be staying in the city a little longer after the event.” He crushed me into a hug, expensive cologne tickling my nose and the linen of his long shirt scrubbing my cheek.
“Oh my god, Elaine, you must be out of your mind.” He held me at arms’ length, studying my puffy, tear-stained face. “You have been through absolute hell. Sorry to intrude like this; I just didn’t want you to be by yourself.”
“No, no, it’s sweet of you. Come in.” I waved him through the door.
He kicked off his embroidered slippers, opting for socks since none of the house slippers fit. I introduced him to Deandra.
Dee pursed her lips. “Wait, which ex are you?”
“The only one who counts,” Manny laughed. “Rafael chewed people up there for a while, and he’s also dated some truly wretched folks. Not just Molly Lively, either, though she’s currently ranking at the top of Mount Doom.”
Deandra shot me a raised eyebrow.
He picked up on it. “Look, I care about the big bitch as a friend, but I’m not trying to get back with Mr. Dark Night of the Soul. I love myself too much to go through that again, no offense.”
I giggled wearily. “None taken. Rafael can be a lot sometimes.”
Mandeep bobbed his head side to side, widening his eyes. “He is so much. I’m never dating anyone smarter than me again, and definitely no one with rage issues. Give me a sweet golden retriever himbo of a man. Rafa has too much muscle for me, anyway. I like ‘em with some padding.” He winked at me.
I hugged my arms. “I didn’t think I cared about muscle either until he started princess carrying me around like I’m some dainty little doll.” Whew, no, couldn’t keep thinking about that without crying again.
Dee grinned. “That’s so fucking cute.”
Mandeep stuck out his lower lip, but his eyes twinkled. “Well damn, I never got the princess treatment. Granted, I weigh a lot more than you, but that man is strong as an ox. Did he do the pick you up with one arm thing on your first date?”
I laughed. “Second date, technically. I should have known that was his go-to move, the smug bastard.” Thank god Mandeep had come. It helped to talk to someone who knew my beloved so well.
“Probably told you those abs weren’t for show either, right? Yeah, sure, Jan.” Manny gave his hair a meaningful toss. “Rafael is vain like a 14-year-old girl. He just hides it under all that snark and self-deprecating humor.”
Deandra snorted.
I nearly spilled my coffee. “That might be the most accurate take on his personality I’ve ever heard.”
Mandeep waved an airy hand. “Oh, I have so many stories for you. He’s going to hate it.”
“Ok, I like you. You can stay,” Deandra declared.
We exchanged grins.
Picking up my mug, I waved it. “I know it’s super late, but can I get you some coffee or tea or anything?”
“No, thank you. I won’t stay since you’ve got company, I just wanted to check in. I’ll be there tomorrow with the search party.”
“Wait! You don’t happen to know how to make Turkish coffee, do you?”
Mandeep laughed. “Girl, that’s what the internet is for.”
1 “Make Us Whole Again” by Cenobia