Chapter 31
Kendyll
(One Year Ago)
I DIDN’T WANT TO ENJOY Xander’s company. I didn’t want to find the demon’s presence and antics comforting. I didn’t want to see why I should stay instead of run.
But nothing ever went how I planned with Xander.
Not when I was younger, not last year, not last night, and not now.
I couldn’t think about last night without heating up from head to toe and yearning between my legs. It was hard to believe that we’d finally had sex, but the soreness lingering at my center was plenty confirmation that we’d crossed that line.
And I wanted to do it again.
Look. One day back together, and your resolve is already gone. How weak can you be?
I glanced at Xander as he politely smiled and listened to Jonathan and his wife talk about their manor and all of their memories from within it. I’d already heard their entire story, but the ghost couple was excited to have another eager listener, even if it was a “scary demon.”
Most ghosts longed for company, especially if there weren’t other spirits to talk to.
Thankfully, the ghosts of Brookdale Manor had each other, which was why they were all so lively and remained here together.
Regardless of whether it was a lone ghost or a group of them, one who knew they were dead or one who didn’t, I loved giving all spirits that space to share their stories.
Seeing Xander listen attentively to the man as he chatted about his once prized blue roan steed made my chest constrict with something warm and light.
Eventually, Alex and Bethelma gathered themselves after Xander’s reign of terror, but Bethelma was such a frazzled mess that she called it a night.
“We’ll come back tomorrow night, and hopefully, that d-d-demon won’t be here. I’ll have the network send over a priest to get rid of it.” She whipped around to scurry off to the car.
I glanced at Xander, who smacked both of his cheeks with clawed hands and shook his head in horror. “Not the priest! My weakness!”
With Bethelma gone, I pursed my lips and questioned, “I take it that doesn’t work on you?”
“Not even a little,” he laughed and dropped his hands. “But whatever brings simple minded humans their comfort, I suppose.”
Jonathan, his wife, and the servant bid us goodbye until tomorrow.
Catsper meowed his parting words to Sebastian the dog, who returned the farewell with a bark and lick of his spectral tongue.
I climbed into the SUV with Bethelma and Alex.
We’d gained an extra passenger, though they still couldn’t see or hear Xander.
He sat next to Bethelma in the backseat while Alex drove and I rode passenger with Catsper invisible in my lap.
“It’s freezing back here,” Bethelma complained. “Turn on the heat!”
“Yes, ma’am,” Alex complied.
I glanced back, only to find Xander blowing on Bethelma. A white cloud of frigid air flowed from his lips toward her. I bit my lip to hide my smile, and even as Bethelma raged about the heat not working the entire way back to the hotel, I couldn’t stop grinning.
The Mischief demon just brought happiness out of me too easily.
It was already almost half past two in the morning by the time we made it back to the hotel. Unsurprisingly, Xander followed me back to my room, but he wasn’t the only one.
“Kendyll,” Alex called.
I stopped in the threshold of my room to face my coworker. Xander made a not-so-subtle disgusted scoff behind me, and I felt him draw closer to my back to listen in on whatever Alex wanted.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’m sorry for acting so, you know … scared back there. We’ve been doing this for so long, but we’ve never encountered a demon before.”
“Speak for yourself,” Xander purred, his lips brushing the skin under my jaw.
I sucked in a hard breath but managed to keep my face schooled, not giving away the fact that the very being Alex spoke of was currently kissing and biting along my chin and neck.
Clearing my throat, I managed to respond normally. “It’s fine. He was definitely giving you and Bethelma a hard time.”
Alex rubbed at the back of his head with a humorless laugh. “Yeah. I’ll probably have some bruises from all those books.”
Xander let out an overly dramatic sigh. “Please. I didn’t throw them that hard. What a little bitch.”
“You didn’t get hurt, did you?” Alex asked with a worried frown.
He reached out as though to place a comforting hand on my arm, but I quickly drew back from his touch before it could make contact. Unable to help myself, I glared at him and gritted out, “I’m fine. I’m also headed to bed. Night.”
Before he could say anything else or make another move to touch me when he knew I didn’t like being touched, I shut the door in his face. My own was still scrunched in fury over the near physical contact as I turned around to find Xander watching me with wide eyes.
“What?” I demanded.
His golden demon eyes bounced between me, the closed door, and back. He opened his mouth only for no sound to come out. After many seconds, he pursed his lips and tried again. “I think I’ve misunderstood something. You didn’t let him touch you just now.”
“Very observant.”
“How do you two fuck if you don’t like him touching you?”
“Who said Alex and I are fucking?”
Xander snapped his mouth shut and stared at me.
Puzzle pieces were being assembled behind his eyes.
I could’ve put the demon out of his misery and confirmed that he’d definitely misunderstood mine and the cameraman’s relationship, but where was the fun in that?
I moved past him to my suitcase where I grabbed my pajamas.
“You still don’t like being touched,” Xander stated behind me.
“I still don’t like being touched,” I confirmed as I took off everything except my underwear.
My bare back tingled with the weight of his gaze from across the room. I shook out my top to slip it on, but before I could, Xander’s hand settled on my bare lower back. His palm slid affectionately up my side and onto my stomach.
“Except by me,” he whispered, the words full of hope and longing and maybe even a little bit of pain.
I swallowed hard. “Except by you.”
“So last night …”
I knew what he was asking. He thought Alex was my partner, and I hadn’t bothered correcting him.
I’d let him believe that I’d moved on in more ways than one.
I should’ve let him continue thinking that, but the ache in his tone brought the truth up to the surface where I couldn’t force it back down.
Looking over my shoulder at him, I found a deeply furrowed brow with searching eyes beneath.
“You’re the only one,” I told him.
His eyes closed, and he dropped his forehead to my shoulder. Both hands now gripped my naked waist, and his fingers squeezed as he let out a rough breath against my skin. “I’m going to fuck you again now. Okay?”
I shivered at the mere idea. Every time Xander opened up my world to new sensations, pleasures, and experiences, it was incredible. Last night had been no different, and even knowing how we would end, I cherished the moments I got with him.
But I also wasn’t naive enough to believe that us having sex and my nightmare weren’t unrelated. If I thought about that vivid dream for even a moment, I’d slip back into the nightmare.
The small bed dipping with a sudden weight at my back.
The coos and hushed murmurs about being good.
The hands. Those fucking hands.
Shaking off the memory before it could take hold, I took a steadying breath.
The nightmare hadn’t even been the worst part.
The worst part was the fact that Xander had seen me at my absolute worst yet again.
I couldn’t meet his eyes all morning because of it.
The last thing I’d ever wanted was Xander seeing my dirty, fucked up world, yet every time one of my nightmares triggered around him, I could only crumble under the misery of self-loathing.
I didn’t want him to see my broken pieces.
I didn’t want him to see how ruined I was.
I didn’t want him to know the truth and forever reject me because of it.
As I struggled with the chaos in my head, he carefully turned me in his arms. I was still very naked, save for the underwear, but neither of us seemed to focus on that.
He held my eyes while running his clawed fingers through my dark hair.
“You can say no, Ghost. Like I’ve always told you.
We don’t do anything you’re not ready for or don’t want. ”
I pressed my lips together. Defeat, want, shame, and fear all warred within me. My eyes fixed on the closet door across the room as I replied with the only thing I could. “I’m messy.”
That statement could’ve had countless meanings, yet Xander quickly gathered what I was insinuating.
He lifted me to wrap my legs around his waist, and reflexively, I draped my arms around his shoulders.
Slowly, I tore my eyes away from the space I’d always ran to in moments of terror and toward the man who had always been there.
“Kendyll, if you’re messy, then cover me in it. Make me dirty, filthy. Coat me in whatever you think makes you too much. I’ll wear it like a badge of fucking honor right by your side.”
Tears pooled the rims of my eyes. I hated it.
I was afraid the tears made me weak when I’d worked so hard to escape that label.
But the tears came, regardless of my hatred, and following that rise of emotion came panic.
I needed to deflect and quickly shove the feeling down.
I needed to shut him down before he ruined me beyond repair, and I only knew one way to do that.
“Stop talking like there’s something between us,” I snapped, fixing my dagger of a stare on him. “If you wanna fuck, let’s do it. But don’t treat me like someone special when I have every intention of using you and leaving when we’re done.”
Xander’s face remained even, not giving away even a hint of what he felt upon hearing my nasty words. His golden eyes simply held mine for seemingly endless moments until finally, he slowly smiled and shrugged. “We don’t have to be anything more than what you want us to be.”