Chapter 36
Xander
(Present Day)
I COULDN’T WATCH KENDYLL AS she got up from the table to follow Iyla, Harper, and Serenity to the dance floor.
I couldn’t even fucking breathe. Everything inside of me screamed as icy frost coated my insides, and it took every bit of strength I had to keep from breaking right there in front of everyone.
A prisoner.
A captive.
That was how Kendyll saw us.
I felt the heat of her gaze and slowly looked up.
She had paused and was staring at me in concern.
I wanted to smile. Goddamit, I should’ve smiled so we could’ve kept pretending that everything was fine, that she didn’t hate being with me, that she didn’t want to run like she’d always fucking done.
But I couldn’t smile. All I could do was fall apart from the devastation of how badly I loved her while knowing there was no coming back from where we’d ended up.
I could follow her around as much as I wanted.
I could flirt and try to remind her of our plans, dreams, and memories before my broken promise and lie, but at what cost?
“Ruan Yitang.”
I took in a sharp breath, realizing Kendyll no longer stood where I’d been staring but had moved to a table.
I swallowed hard and turned to Perseus who had moved to Kendyll’s empty chair beside me.
He must’ve been calling my name for some time, because he’d shifted close with one arm braced on the table and the other holding the back of my chair to cage me in on his side.
His brow and lips were severe with their worried downward curve.
I smiled. Or at least, I tried to. I wasn’t sure what expression managed to come out. “Right. Business. Coldin, when—”
“Stop,” Perseus growled. “Xander, you know—”
“Shut up,” I snapped, snarling my fangs at Perseus. “Shut up, Perseus. Please. Let’s talk about the Mischief demon at Mountview before I fucking explode, okay?”
I was breathing hard while anger, desperation, anguish, and longing spiraled in my gut in a horrible mixture. Coldin took a puff on the black cigarette and blew out a cloud of pink smoke while the other three guys stared long and hard at me before waving their surrender.
I blew out a thankful huff and turned to the drummer. “Coldin, when are you available to kill again?”
“Five days,” he answered flatly.
As a Letum demon under a contract with us, he was only allowed to kill once a month unless the Boss ordered him in on a special job.
Killing and torturing was all Hell’s assassin knew how to do, so without that stipulation, the path this demon walked down would be stained red, a chorus of screams in his wake.
“I have your next target then,” I told him.
“I’m not actually sure who the Mischief demon is, so you’ll have to come to Mountview and catch him while he’s there.
Kendyll wants to free all of the ghosts he has under his command, and we all know killing him is easier than trying to convince him to let go of his power source. ”
Coldin took another drag before tilting his head back to slowly exhale the pink smoke into the air. “Killing demons isn’t as fun. I don’t get to keep them. Do I get to play with him first?”
“Sure, sure. Fine by me,” I answered.
Typically, when a Letum demon killed someone, that soul would become theirs to torture for the rest of eternity.
Coldin’s hall in Hell where all of his victims’ souls were locked up was vast and full, but demons were different.
When we “died,” we were merely sent back to the Prince of Darkness Himself.
As our creator, He could decide whether or not to make us again or totally destroy our essence.
Seeing as how Coldin wouldn’t get a new lifelong punching bag for this kill, letting him torture the demon first seemed like the right thing to do.
“Great,” Perseus deadpanned. “So glad that’s settled. Can we talk now?”
I ground my teeth, but instead of looking at him, I watched Kendyll as she seemed to listen intently to whatever Iyla was saying. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Like Hell there’s not,” Perseus growled. “You’re going to get hurt, Xander.”
I shrugged, my gaze still trained on Kendyll. “She’s worth it.”
My heart stuttered when tears abruptly began rolling down Kendyll’s cheeks. I nearly leapt out of my seat to race toward her, but I froze when she uncrossed her arms and reached toward the trio’s pile of hands.
Sitting up straight, I sent forth a burst of energy to give her strength should she actually brave such a moment. Awe stole my breath. She laid her hands gingerly atop theirs. My strong, fierce girl who abhorred touch actually reached out and took their hands.
I laughed under my breath. Pride and admiration took hold of me. I wasn’t sure what those girls said to her, but I owed them my deepest thanks for giving her the space to reach out, something she’d only done with me.
Even as I continued to watch her with a proud smile, those cracks in my chest began to fissure again until the pain threatened to swallow me whole.
If only I’d kept my fucking promise that day.
If only I was still a person she wanted to reach out to.
“Xander,” Perseus tried again. His voice had softened to something far more gentle than anything he’d ever used with me.
“I understand how much she means to you. But you have to know how much you mean to us, too. When she leaves, you will be the one left behind in pieces, and we have to watch you suffer like that. It’s …
It’s hard to see you in so much pain and hiding behind cheap jokes, pranks, alcohol, drugs, and sex. ”
I finally turned to meet Perseus head on. “If it was Harper, wouldn’t you do the same?”
Perseus pressed his lips together, and like he was unable to help himself, he glanced sideways at his ballerina. He said nothing.
I looked across the table at Zagan and Dante. “If it was Iyla or Serenity …”
They, too, stayed quiet.
“Exactly,” I nodded, satisfied with their silent confirmation. I stood and pushed my chair in. “If you were in my position, all of you would do the same. The difference is, none of you have to make that choice.”
Without another word, I followed the constant invisible pull to the girl who’d wrapped her web around my heart a long time ago.
She looked in my direction as I drew near.
The tears I’d seen before were gone, but her eyes and the tip of her nose were still red.
I wasn’t sure if she saw something I was desperately trying to hide on my face or if something the girls had talked about had shifted something in her, but when I reached out my hand, she took it without hesitation.
Wordlessly, I pulled her away and to the dance floor, though I left plenty of space around us so no one could touch her. I held one of her hands in mine while resting the other on the small of her back. “Dance with me.”
She studied the many demons gyrating or dancing wildly to the upbeat pop music. “This isn’t exactly the music for slow dancing.”
Even as she pointed this out, she squeezed my hand and placed her other on my bicep. We slowly swayed and stepped, our bodies pressed together. Heavy rock music blasted through the speakers.
“I guess it’s not,” I conceded.
Neither of us stopped our idle sway, nor did our gazes break.
My world started and ended with those vivid green eyes and that haunted smile.
I swallowed hard and pulled her closer. She rested her cheek on my chest, and I pressed my own to the top of her head as we rocked slowly to a beat of our own.
Just a bit longer. I wanted to be selfish with my lie a little longer.