Chapter 37 #3
Xander watched me studiously. He shifted to drop his feet flat on the ground and rested his elbows on his knees to fully face me. “What happened?”
“Hmm? Nothing. I—”
“Kendyll,” he cut me off firmly yet gently. “I can tell something has you rattled.”
I sighed dramatically. “And here I thought I was hiding it so well.”
He didn’t smile at my attempt to lighten the mood and distance myself from what was wrong. This was the point where I’d typically say something nasty or try to redirect the conversation elsewhere so that I didn’t have to talk or think about what hurt.
But I looked at his fingers, which hung where his arms braced on his knees. Those pricks from the rose’s thorns were long healed, the spots of blood long dried, yet I saw the evidence of the barbs like they were there all over again. I didn’t want to stick him with my thorns.
“I want to go to my brother’s wedding.”
“Terrance … called again to invite you?” he asked carefully.
Every time Terrance called around Xander, especially when Xander and I first started hanging out again, there was an almost instinctual tense caution that overtook Xander.
He’d go from a happy, carefree demon to a man prepping for an invisible battle.
He’d stick just a little closer after I talked to my brother, or he’d try to distract me from the conversation afterward with my favorite food or an impromptu sneaking in at an amusement park.
That was when I pieced together why he got so worried when Terrance was brought up.
The battle Xander prepped for was a fight to keep me should I run again, and he thought Terrance was the reason I’d fled last time.
Running into Terrance again after so many years of being on my own and avoiding anything that could take me back to the darkest time in my life had definitely jumpstarted my flight response, but it wasn’t because of him that I left.
After I understood Xander’s fear, I made sure to go to the demon myself after each talk with my brother, straddling and holding him close on the couch or making us tea to drink together on his terrace while he played his guitar.
Despite that, any mention of Terrance spurred a knee-jerk reaction in Xander to brace for an impending blow. It made me wonder how much I’d really hurt the Mischief demon when he woke up to find I’d gone with only a hateful note as a goodbye.
“Yeah,” I finally answered him. “He called again to ask if I’d come. He wants me there, and I … I want to be there for him. I mean, I love my brother. I’ve always loved him. But … I can’t go.” I squeezed my eyes and fists shut to keep all the emotions bottled up. “I can’t go back there and see …”
“See who?” Xander probed after a few beats of silence. He seemed to think before guessing, “Your parents?”
The mere word “parent” made me look at the ground between our two chairs. I curled in on myself. Knots wound tightly around my gut and up my throat.
Parents.
I didn’t have those.
All I had was—
Hands that I hadn’t even seen coming suddenly cupped my cheeks.
I raised my eyes to Xander’s, who now crouched right by my chaise.
He let go of my face to grab my tightly clenched fists and gently uncurled my fingers.
My nails had formed divots in my palms, and the fingers ached from how hard I’d squeezed.
Xander wove his fingers between mine and lightly squeezed my hands before drawing them close to rest beneath his chin.
“Talk to me, Ghost.”
Where to even start.
I couldn’t find a good way to breach the horrible tale.
I wasn’t sure what to say or how much. I’d never talked about this with anyone other than the doctors who’d waved me off as crazy.
Maybe that was why it was so hard to open back up now.
I didn’t—I couldn’t—be dismissed by Xander. I wouldn’t survive that.
I searched the opulent onyx eyes fixed on mine.
Patience, care, concern, and want. That’s how he looked at me now.
It was a reminder that Xander was the last person I ever had to worry about writing me off, and if I was ever going to try to unlock my box of secrets, he was the only one with whom I’d do so.
“I was adopted,” I revealed. “I don’t remember that process. I was a little over one when I got adopted by the Cartwrights. I hate that I even share that name. I pretend I don’t have a last name.”
The name, my name, was acid on my tongue.
“You can have mine,” Xander announced, completely serious. “Ruan. That’s your last name now.”
I stared at him with wide eyes and laughed softly. “You do realize how that sounds, right? Me taking your last name?”
“Sounds like you mean a lot to me.” He grinned behind our joined hands. “I’m ready to go file legal papers for the name change right now. Want to do a marriage license while we’re there?”
My laughter only grew, and that tension in my body eased. How he managed to smooth out my hard edges so easily was beyond me. But I was grateful for it. I was grateful for him.
“I don’t think the clerk’s office would be open at midnight, Xander.”
“Tomorrow then.” His smile remained, but a hint of seriousness creeped in. “So you were adopted and got a name you hate.”