Chapter 42
Chapter Forty-Two
REBECCA
I have made my peace with many things since Tobias entered my life. Horses are not among them. But here’s the thing… watching my daughter sitting atop her pony, Clover, pigtails flying as she nails this thing called posting makes my fear considerably harder to justify.
She looks like she was born in the saddle, whereas I’m over here nursing a cup of coffee and giving Pepper, the giant beast Tobias is trying to persuade me to ride, the side-eye.
Pepper isn’t bothered. She’s too busy nibbling grass and flicking away flies with her tail.
I made a promise—one I’m having serious regrets about. Now that Isla is becoming more and more confident with her riding, Tobias wants us to go out on horseback as a family. In a moment of weakness, I capitulated to his pleading and said I’d try.
Stupid third orgasm quashing logic. Too late now. I can’t go back on what I agreed to, as much as I wish I could.
Tobias talks to Isla in a low, steady voice I can’t quite hear while adjusting her feet in the stirrups and her hands on the reins.
She listens intently, taking in everything he’s telling her, face rapturous.
He glances over and catches me watching.
For a few seconds, he holds my gaze with that small smile he reserves for me, then returns his attention to Isla.
He leads her in a wide arc that brings them closer to where I’m standing, making my heart almost flatline as I realize this is it. My turn.
Stupid, Rebecca. So bloody stupid.
“Well done, pumpkin. You’re a natural.” Unlike me. I like my feet right where they are, in contact with the solid ground.
Isla beams at me.
Tobias holds up his hand, and she high-fives him. “A right little horsewoman we have on our hands here. She’ll soon be cantering and then we might try her over a few jumps.”
I swallow. “Jumps?” A firm shake of my head precedes a sharp, “No.”
“I was jumping at her age.”
“You have a death wish.”
He gives me one of his crooked smiles I can never resist and tucks a stray wisp of hair behind my ear. “No one is making you to do this. If you’d rather not, don’t. It’s your choice.”
And right there is the problem, because a part of me does want to give it a go.
The idea of Tobias and Isla disappearing for hours on end as they explore Oakleigh’s extensive grounds on horseback while I stay behind at the house causes a twinge of envy to take root.
And what about when she’s older and going to events, which I can’t go to because of an irrational fear with no basis in reality.
“Mama, up.” She points at Pepper.
Ah, shit. I can’t disappoint my daughter, no matter how scared I am.
Tobias unlatches the gate and takes my hand, squeezing lightly. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. Pepper is as docile as they come. She’ll look after you.”
“Hmm.”
He squeezes again. “Trust me. I’d never let anything happen to you.”
I do trust him. It’s Pepper I don’t trust. Still, I follow him to the other side of the paddock, surprised he doesn’t comment on how loud my knees are knocking together.
“Here.” Tobias holds out a piece of carrot to me.
“Funny time to offer me a snack.”
He throws back his head and laughs. “It’s not for you, it’s for Pepper. Hold out your palm like this.” He demonstrates. “Then offer it to her.”
“What if she bites me?”
“She won’t. Go on, Wren, give it a try.”
I do as he says, and Pepper’s soft muzzle tickles my palm as she takes the treat and crunches, the bit in her mouth jangling as she eats.
“See, was that so bad?”
“Giving her a piece of carrot is a little different to getting up there, fifty feet from the ground.”
He arches an eyebrow. “Slight exaggeration.” After pulling down the stirrups, he holds Pepper by the reins, then reaches a hand out to me. “I’ll give you a leg up. Left foot in the stirrup.”
Getting up is not elegant. There’s a moment where I feel as though I’m going to tip right off the other side and land face down on the grass, but all too soon, I’m astride Pepper. She’s wider than I expected, and the ground does seem an awfully long way down.
I grip the front of the saddle. “I’m not sure about this.”
“You’re doing great. Isn’t she, Isla?”
Isla nods. “Good, Mama.”
Tobias stuffs my other foot into the stirrup and shows me how to hold the reins. His patience and calm approach slows my heartbeat, although the knot in my stomach remains.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
He takes hold of both sets of reins and clicks his tongue. Pepper takes a step, and I suppress a squeal. It’s the weirdest feeling in the world having a living being beneath you. I can feel her muscles flexing as she walks.
We move in a slow circle, with Tobias between the two of us, unhurried and completely unbothered by the fact he is simultaneously managing a freaked-out wife and an exuberant four-year-old. I listen intently to his every instruction: heels down, hands light on the reins, eyes up.
“How are you doing up there?”
“Don’t talk to me. I’m concentrating.”
He bites back a smile. “Gotcha.”
After the first few minutes, Pepper starts to feel less like a snorting beast who has death on her mind—namely mine—and more like a safety net. She carefully places each hoof, and when I murmur “Good girl”, her ears flick back.
“She’s listening to you,” Tobias says.
“More like she’s checking I haven’t fallen off.”
He chuckles. “Think I would have noticed if that had happened. Try to relax your hips and sit down in the saddle. Don’t fight her movement. Move with her.”
I try. It takes another couple of circuits around the fenced-off paddock for my shoulders to unhunch and the knot in my stomach to vanish. When I stop bracing for every step and just move with Pepper, it’s different. Surprisingly different.
“There you go,” Tobias says. “Does that feel better?”
“Much. This isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.”
“Things rarely are when we face our fears. It’s the unknown that’s the most frightening part of all.”
I turn my face up to the sun. A few short months ago, I was living in terror, abused, alone, and no way to escape, with a daughter who was too traumatized to speak.
And now… I can hardly believe it. None of us have had it easy, and we all have months, maybe years of therapy ahead to slay the demons that threatened to ruin our lives, but every day is a step toward healing.
My therapist regularly reminds me of that. One day at a time.
Tobias gradually lets the reins out in small increments, giving me a little more control. We ride until Isla starts to list in that way that tells me she’s about five minutes from falling asleep, no matter where she is.
“Shall we call it a day?”
I grin and jerk my chin at Isla. “Probably best before she takes a nap in the saddle.”
Tobias helps Isla down first, then me. My legs feel weak, but I brace my thighs and straighten my spine.
Tobias balances Isla on his hip and takes Clover’s reins, leaving me with Pepper.
She’s so docile as she plods along beside me, giving me the odd nuzzle.
I think I might already love her a little bit.
Who knows. Maybe I will catch this riding bug after all.
The grooms take the horses from us. Isla’s fast asleep in Tobias’s arms within seconds.
“Want me to take her?”
He shakes his head. “I’ve got her.”
We begin the trek back to the house.
“I did it,” I say, a sudden rush of exhilaration shooting through me.
“You did.” His smile teems with pride. “How do you feel?”
“Like I shouldn’t have fought it so hard.”
He wraps an arm around my waist without jostling Isla. “You had to come to the right decision for you in your own time.”
Back at the house, he puts Isla to bed, then joins me in the living room. His arms encircle my waist, and he presses his forehead to mine.
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m pretty proud of me, too.”
He takes a breath, like he’s steeling himself for something, then lets it out without saying a word.
“What’s on your mind?”
He leans back, eyes locking with mine. “It’s scary how well you know me.”
“Well, spit it out before I grow old and gray and you no longer find me attractive.”
“Never going to happen. I’ll still be chasing you around the house trying to cop a feel when I’m ninety, even though I’ll probably have a dodgy hip and poor eyesight and keep bumping into things.”
I laugh. “Can’t wait. Now, what did you want to say?”
He runs his tongue along his bottom lip, and my eyes go there. He has the most delicious mouth. And his tongue… the things he does with that tongue should be criminal.
“I’m glad your mind just went to sex because I wondered if…
” He hesitates. “I want to take you to The Lair. It’s been such an important part of my life, but I recognize it’s not for everyone.
No pressure at all from me, especially with what you went through there.
It’ll be a private scene, just you and me, no one watching. ”
My chest flutters, stomach bottoming out. I bite my lip, shivering from pleasure.
“It’s funny, because I talked to my therapist about that only last week, and she suggested I consider replacing the horrific memories with a good one. A memory made with you.”
He smiles, his eyes ghosting over my face, landing on my mouth. “I’ll make it a night to remember.”