The Dicktionary Club

Chapter One

Ella

‘Where is Katy?’ Andrea snapped at the bullpen of our office floor. Her face was red with anger as she stormed through the desks, squinting, trying to locate my friend. She flew past me, then paused, slowly turning back to shoot me a death stare. ‘Ella?’ she asked.

I gulped. ‘Oh, she was here a second ago. But she is completely raring to go, Andrea,’ I lied, fist-punching the air with faux excitement.

Andrea’s face remained thunderous, only her jet-black bob quivering as she spoke.

‘She’s pitching to a prospective client in ten minutes.

They’re waiting in the lobby as we speak.

If she’s not here, and someone has to wing it with no prep, then she’s out!

’ Andrea slowly ran one finger across her throat, then smirked.

I knew it was a threat aimed for Katy but I couldn’t help but wonder if she meant it for me too.

I nodded back, trying my best to appear calm, but I could feel cold sweat travel from my forehead to my arse crack. What a psycho!

Andrea turned and headed back to her office. As soon as she slammed the door shut, I swivelled on my chair towards Zola. ‘Zo! Where the fuck is she?’

My friend already had her phone out and was dialling Katy’s number, motioning me to come closer.

‘Hello.’ I heard the familiar sobbing drone of my friend down the line. Not to-fucking-day, Katy , I thought. I rested my head against Zola’s as we listened together.

‘Where the fuck are you? Your nine o’clock client is here and Andrea is screaming for you!’ I kept my voice low, in case one of our boss’s arse-licking spies on the floor overheard and reported back to her.

‘I’m .?.?. I know .?.?. I’m .?.?. I’m sorry!’ Katy wailed.

Zola rolled her eyes at me and attempted a more sympathetic approach. ‘Babe, don’t cry! Look, where are you? We’ll get you. Are you OK?’

‘HE DUMPED ME!’ she shrieked by way of reply, heaving loud sobs on the other end of the phone.

Zola and I automatically reared back from the intense screams coming at us from the phone.

‘ Oh, no! Not another one, babe!’ Zola managed.

I darted a glare at Zola and her shitty attempt to be supportive. She shrugged back, looking confused.

‘What happened?’ I asked.

‘He said .?.?. he said .?.?. we needed time apart. He said I was a nice girl, but didn’t give him that oomph !’ She broke into sobs again. ‘I thought he was the one. I thought he really liked me. He literally told me that last week!’

I shook my head, wondering if that was before or after he had gotten into her knickers.

It always seemed to be the same routine with Katy and the dickhead guys she’d grown accustomed to.

Yip, she was madly in love for a week or two, planning the wedding with us, changing all her likes and dislikes to suit the guy, swapping girls nights for date nights at any given chance.

But then all of a sudden, and completely out of the blue for Katy, she was dumped and it was down to us to pick up the traumatised pieces.

‘ Oh, no! Katy, it’s his loss! You know you can do much better than him anyway. It always feels awful breaking up! Come on, where are you?’

She sniffled. ‘I’m in the bathroom at reception. But I can’t come out. I mean it. I’m not coming out, Ella. I can’t face it.’

Zola hung up the phone, and we scurried across the office floor together. I noticed some of my colleagues stare up from their computers. Wondering if they had overheard the commotion, I found myself overcompensating with a massive grin.

‘Morning!’ I chirped.

We headed through to reception, and I glanced at the clock above the desk: 08.55 . As we approached the smartly dressed couple in the waiting area, I could feel my pulse race. Only five minutes to sort this shit storm out! Zola forced a grin onto her face and pointed to the company sign.

‘Good morning from all of us at Smart Reputations. Someone will be with you in just a tick.’

She winked at the pair, who nodded back in bemusement at her strange introduction. I was already heading into the bathroom, with Zola quickly behind me. The stalls were quiet. All I could hear was a drip from one of the taps echoing through the space.

‘Hello, Katy,’ I called out. ‘Are you in here?’

There was a slight sniffle from the middle cubicle. Zola motioned her head at the locked door. I sighed.

Here we go again, another Monday morning pep talk.

I popped into the stand next to Katy’s, while Zola headed to the one on the other side.

I yanked down the toilet lid and stood on top of it, hanging my head over the cubicle wall, looking down at my friend.

Zola did the same on the opposite side; her long braids hanging down as she hovered high in the air.

‘Hey, babe,’ I said.

Katy peeked up at me, then Zola; her face was blotchy and red, and her eyes looked irritated from hours of crying. I hadn’t seen them so swollen since the summer when she’d had a severe case of pink eye.

‘Why is it always me?!’ she moaned dramatically, shouting up to the pair of us.

Zola propped her elbows on top of the stand. ‘I know, girl. You’ve had such a hard time lately, but hey, at least you’re putting yourself out there!’

‘Oh, come on, it’s not you, Katy!’ I said. ‘It’s the awful dickhead guys on dating apps! Look at you! You’re bloody amazing!’

She heaved as I continued, running her hands through her mousy brown hair.

‘You are smart, absolutely gorgeous, funny and .?.?.’

‘And – and somewhat of a legend around here, you know,’ Zola added.

Katy’s whimpers simmered a little. ‘A legend?’ she repeated, curiously.

‘Oh, yeah!’ Zola nodded. ‘Everyone says so.’

Katy turned to me, and so I joined in the nodding.

‘You land the biggest marketing deals on our floor. You are a genius at your job,’ I said.

‘And you are about to get another landmark company on board! Babe, you’ve planned this Blaze Boost pitch for ages. And the reps are sitting in the hallway, waiting for you to impress them.’

Katy’s eyes looked heavy. She was mentally swaying. ‘It’s just .?.?. I don’t think I can, not after .?.?.’

‘Oh God.’ Zola scrunched her face at me. ‘Her legend status is dwindling, isn’t it?’

‘ Hmm , yeah. Maybe Andrea was right?’ I gasped. ‘Is the legendary Katy losing her touch?’

‘ What? What do you mean?’ Katy was darting a look between both of us.

‘When I moved here from London, I had heard rumours of the badass PR and marketing girls in the Glasgow branch. They all said you guys were a different breed up here, you know, totally career-focused and always able to deliver. And everyone said Katy McIntyre was one of the baddest of the badasses.’

Katy sighed. ‘I know what you guys are doing!’

A smile washed up on my face. ‘Babe, just go get the client. Land the deal. You deserve this bonus.’ I grinned, full beam at her. ‘And I promise Martin will have messaged you by the end of the meeting!’

‘Mark!’ she sobbed back, throwing herself back on the pan.

‘Well, I can promise you, Katy, either way, he will be sliding into your DMs apologising when we post the shit out of you landing one of the biggest upcoming energy drink suppliers in the country!’

My friend remained motionless.

I glanced towards Zola, who shrugged slightly, not knowing what way this could swing. Not knowing if our efforts had worked this time around.

‘I suppose I do know the presentation inside out,’ Katy eventually whimpered.

A sigh of relief washed through me. Thank fuck for that.

‘You see!’ Zola laughed. ‘Come on out, girl! Let’s have a look at ya!’

I hopped off the toilet and walked out of the cubicle where my two friends were standing. I glanced at my watch – one minute left .

‘You ready for this?’ I asked Katy, flattening the collar of her blazer.

Her eyes were still heavy, but she nodded, giving a gentle sigh.

‘Come here, girl.’ Katy turned, as Zola wrapped her arms around her. ‘I have some lippy. You want some?’

Katy shrugged. ‘I don’t care,’ she whined pathetically, but pursing out her lips anyway.

I leaned my hand against my head frustratedly and, once a fresh layer of Velvet Teddy was on, I turned her body towards me.

‘OK, enough. Do you think you’ll get this deal with that attitude, Katy?

Like, seriously? You’ve gone on and on about this client for three fucking months!

Countless emails back and forth, and now today is the day you give them the best pitch of your career, OK? ’

She bobbed her head, looking a tad more inspired by my speech.

‘We will sort the Mark or fucking Martin situation out when you come out of that meeting, but I promise you, he will come back. They always fucking do! Eh?’

‘Mmmhmm,’ Zola agreed. ‘Men are like boomerangs with balls.’

Katy gulped, finally agreeing. ‘OK,’ she breathed, and I watched her shoulders drop. ‘I got this! Yeah. I can do this.’

‘Yes, you fucking can!’ I hyped back. ‘Come on, get out there.’

I pulled open the toilet door, allowing Katy to walk out in front. She turned to the clients sitting at reception and smiled.

‘Oh, you must be Patricia and Alan. It’s so lovely to meet you both in person,’ she said in her best professional manner, welcoming them.

They stood up and each shook her hand.

‘Thank fuck I’m engaged,’ I heard Zola mumble. Then I felt a nudge from her, noticing the palm of her hand down low, waiting for a discreet high-five. I quickly slapped my hand off hers. We watched Katy lead the Blaze Boost clients into the boardroom and both breathed a massive sigh of relief.

‘ Pssst .’ I turned back and noticed Katy’s head pop out of the door. ‘Do you really think he’ll call, Ella? Like today?’

‘ Erm .?.?. duh .?.?. yes, of course he fucking will!’ I flapped my hands, motioning her to go back in.

Katy beamed brightly and retreated to the boardroom, closing the door.

I watched her through the glass window as she strolled over to the laptop, finally looking confident and inspired to pitch.

I turned to Zola, who was totally puffed from the stressful morning routine we had unfortunately gotten so used to.