The Dicktionary Club

Chapter Eight #2

‘Awful,’ another added. ‘To be blanked like that. Traumatic, much?’

‘Wow! Hey! Look, you girls need to stop,’ I panted, feeling overwhelmed.

They turned to me, their eyes all wide in surprise.

‘I know this man has hurt you. It’s bad, and I’m so sorry you built this up in your head, but God, if he can just ghost you without an explanation, then aren’t you glad to be rid of him?

What would happen if you actually did something wrong?

Trust me, you’re better off finding out now what sort of person he is rather than a year down the line. ’

‘Ella!’ Katy warned, giving me a sharp elbow to the ribs.

‘No, I’m sorry, but men are dicks, end of. Especially this generation. Let’s face it, they think we are so easily accessible and expendable. If they get bored or the chase is over, they can easily swipe right for the next poor girl!’

A silence fell on the group.

‘OK, look, what’s your name?’ I asked the teary-eyed girl.

‘Natasha,’ she mumbled.

‘Natasha, did you sleep with this man?’ I asked.

She began to nod, and the wailing recommenced. ‘We made love , yes!’

‘OK, and did he instantly go cold afterwards?’

I watched the cogs slowly turn in her head, trying hard to admit the truth to herself.

‘Well .?.?. yes . But honestly, the night was so romantic, beautiful and perfect. It was like a movie!’ She paused momentarily.

‘Well, I thought it was.’ Natasha glanced up to me in a panic. ‘What did I do wrong?’

I shook my head, put down the cans of Blaze Boost and squeezed my arse onto the bench beside her.

‘You didn’t do one thing wrong, OK? I bet he had the best night too!

BUT after that, the chase was over for him.

He got what he wanted and moved on to the next silly blonde!

’ I paused. ‘No offence, girls,’ I added, noticing the amount of peroxide hair surrounding me.

‘So, what should we do? Never have sex again?’ one of the girls asked, laughing at my pep talk.

‘Not an acceptable option, right?’ Katy said, then smirked towards me. ‘So instead .?.?. you could get payback!’

I nodded at my friend, who had finally caught up with my idea. ‘How would you girls like to work for us, getting revenge on ALL the men in Glasgow who have mistreated you, simply at the click of a button?’ I asked, observing their curious faces.

When I saw that they were receptive, I went on with my pitch. ‘We have created a club, exclusively for women who have been through similar experiences to Natasha and my friend Katy here.’

Katy held her hand up. ‘Yip, I was fed up of constant heartbreak and getting abandoned to feel like it was all my fault. But my best friends reminded me that it wasn’t actually me at all.

It was the horrible dickhead men who are out there on dating apps.

’ She took a breath and continued, ‘So, we have thought of the ultimate way to expose them! How would you girls like to be part of a community of women who leave honest and vital feedback on the scumbags they’ve dated? ’

‘We,’ I butted in, pointing to Katy, ‘are currently trying to date as many men as possible to create the foundations of our database of pricks, but if we have a team of girls like you dating as many men as you can, the website will go live to subscribers even quicker!’

I looked around; these women were entranced! I knew they wanted to hear more, so on I went.

‘So, if you start talking to a guy, for instance, and you think, hmm, he seems nice , I might meet up with him . Right? Rather than wonder how genuine he is from the get-go, you can cut all the crap and simply log in to the website and read previous reviews from women who have dated him in the past. You’ll get a sneak peek on how he really treats us! ’

‘So, it’s like a Trust Pilot for men?’ one of the women asked.

‘Precisely!’ I smiled back.

‘And you just need us to go on dates?’ a smaller red-headed girl asked, raising her shoulders.

Katy smiled. ‘Go on dates, have fun. We’ll give you a list of questions, and you can submit them onto the webpage after the date.’

‘Like, how good were his manners?’ the posh girl piped up.

‘Like a general review, yes. Did he pay? How was his chat? Did he make his intentions clear? Was he a catfish? ’ I smothered a laugh, reminding myself of Katy’s big-headed beast date from yesterday.

‘And, if things go well, how big his dick is!’ Katy added.

The girls burst out laughing.

‘Help us give the women of Glasgow their power back in the dating world!’ I said, feeling inspired. This was the best off-the-cuff pitch I’d done in ages.

‘I’ll do it,’ one said.

‘Me too,’ another added.

‘I will as well!’

‘Natasha?’ Katy held out her hand, and Natasha grabbed it.

‘Sign me up! Yes!’

I wrapped my arm around Natasha and hugged her tightly.

‘Wait. What is the website called?’ she asked.

Katy caught my eye and we both smiled widely. ‘The Dicktionary Club!’ we cried in unison.

Over the next half-hour, we collected the girls’ phone numbers and added them to a WhatsApp chat called the Dicktionary Divas .

We also filled in Zola, who promised to create logins so they could start uploading reviews immediately.

Then, not forgetting what we were there for, we filmed some great content for Katy’s Blaze Boost campaign in the changing room.

As Katy and I headed out, I felt empowered and lifted up by the women we’d just met.

They were just as excited at the prospect of the Dicktionary Club as us, and I started to think of the opportunities it could bring.

Like, maybe we could create merchandise?

Or a podcast channel? With mine and Katy’s marketing background and Zola’s tech genius skills, the possibilities were endless.

Katy was scrolling through her phone at the videos of our new friends with a giant infectious grin.

Her brown hair was scraped back from her face with a little claw clip holding it together, and I was struck again by how she had the smallest, most delicate features.

Sometimes she would moan about them and say she wanted her lips done, but I loved her mouth.

She had perfectly defined little lips and straight, white teeth.

Katy was beautiful in the most natural way.

‘What do you think?’ I asked her, heading back to reception.

‘It’s great! I think Andrea will be buzzing with this,’ she said as she scrolled. ‘But. Wait .?.?.’ Katy paused and grabbed my arm.

‘Oh, what? What now?’ I moaned.

‘It’s all women! We need men!’ She jolted her head towards the male changing rooms, and I laughed.

‘No! No way! We’ll get lifted,’ I insisted.

‘We need men, Ella. We can’t look like we’re advertising a drink for women only!’

‘Why not? Yorkie did it, remember?’ I cleared my throat and imitated the annoying advert that used to piss me off as a child: ‘ Yorkie – it’s not for girls!’

Katy stared, not amused. ‘We really need to get a few men before we head back. Come on!’

Reluctantly, I agreed, knowing I had work for Alexander Cambi’s exhibition to deal with when we got back to the office.

‘OK, we’ll head to the gym then, not the men’s changing rooms, for fuck’s sake! Come on.’

We turned and steered towards the gym. I had trained at this one before and was familiar with the layout of the machines. Immediately I walked towards the weights section, noticing a few men darting around the machines as Katy followed sheepishly behind.

‘Are you pitching?’ I said quietly.

‘No,’ she whispered back.

I swung around to face my friend. ‘It’s your pitch!’

‘I have gym anxiety, Ella! It’s a real thing.’ It was true; Katy seemed incredibly uncomfortable all of a sudden.

‘Fine!’ I hissed back.

We walked a few more steps and then I spotted a ripped bodybuilder posing in the mirror for a selfie.

‘Hey.’ I smiled, intentionally flicking back my long blonde hair.

As he faced me, I watched his eyes light up. ‘You OK, darling? Do you need a hand with a weight?’

I resisted an eye roll and shook my head, knowing I could probably outbench most of the men here.

‘I don’t, but we do need help. We’re here promoting this energy drink for a client, and we need content of really buff guys drinking it for their socials.

Would you mind trying it and saying how much you love it?

We may get fired if you say no.’ I innocently pouted out my bottom lip.

I could see he was lapping up the compliments. ‘You needed a buff guy and came straight to me, eh?’

‘Well, who else would even catch my eye in here?’ I continued, turning my flirtation skills up a notch.

‘Of course I’ll help, sweetheart. Where do you want me?’ he replied, flexing his biceps in the mirror, ensuring they were up for the challenge.

‘Katy?’

‘Yip, I’m on it.’ She stepped forward. ‘OK, so if you stand behind that big-looking device thing, maybe you can put the bar up, take a swig of the drink and say, “Blaze Boost. It’s why I’m in this shape.” Something like that! OK? Flex your arm or something.’

He seemed happy with her instructions. I stepped back to watch him stack up the weight on the bar before Katy began filming.

‘Why haven’t I seen you here before?’ a voice said from behind me, and I turned to see Philip Khan wiping sweat from his handsome face with a crisp white towel. I immediately noticed his initials embroidered on the fabric of his towel and resisted a smirk.

‘ Mmm .?.?. because I tend to train elsewhere.’ I turned my back on him and continued watching Katy film.

‘Which gym do you train in?’ he asked. God, his voice is so deep. I wondered if he had ever considered joining a choir.

I huffed slightly at his interruption, wanting to focus on my friend. ‘Why?’ I responded, keeping my eyes resolutely in front.

‘I’m curious,’ he said.

‘I train at House of Fitness. Have you heard of it?’

‘City centre, yes, I’ve heard of it,’ he replied. ‘What are the facilities like there?’

‘ Sssshhh ,’ Katy hushed, then immediately blushed, giving me major side eye when she noticed who I was speaking to.

I eventually turned my body around to face him. His eyes were so dark that it was hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris, and he had perfectly tanned skin. I wondered if it was from cruising with the Beckhams or hitting Sun Shack at the weekends.

‘It’s OK, I suppose. The women’s changing rooms could do with a spruce up, but apart from that, it’s decent. Now, anything else I can help you with? My yoga class timetable, perhaps?’ I replied sharply, not wanting to entertain another man and his ego.

‘Yoga, mmmm .?.?.’ He raised a brow suggestively.

I began turning back to my friend, unimpressed and not wanting to hear a clichéd yoga flexibility joke when Philip grabbed hold of my arm.

‘What is your name?’

I felt my jaw drop slightly at his boldness.

‘My what?’ I repeated, completely off guard.

‘Your name,’ he repeated again, not shying away from the question or the numerous men walking around us overhearing our conversation.

I could feel my heart beating in my chest. Why was I getting nervous?

‘My name is Philip, for instance, and yours is .?.?.’

I didn’t like giving out my name to strangers, especially not when there was no need to.

I had no urge to ever see this arrogant, overconfident man ever again.

I wondered why he wanted my name. To stalk me?

Katy did say he had money; he could hire a private investigator no problem.

Shit , he already knew where I trained. What was he planning?

My eyes suddenly caught on the glass wall behind him and the class full of stretched-out bodies, and I panicked. ‘Pilates.’

‘Pilates? Sorry,’ he tittered. ‘Your name is Pilates?’ he repeated, with a proper snigger appearing on his lips.

I gulped down. Why the fuck did I not make up a normal, boring, bog-standard fucking name?

‘Yip! Why? What’s wrong with that?’

‘I wonder what your mum was up to when you were being conceived, eh?’

‘And I’m K—’

‘Carol!’ I interrupted Katy’s introduction; her face twisted at the new name I had created.

‘Lovely to meet you, Carol.’ Philip shook Katy’s hand. ‘I see you are the bubbly one out of you and Pilates over here.’

Katy immediately giggled hard at his compliment.

‘Mr Khan, would you like to try the new energy drink we’re marketing today? It’s a freebie.’ She held out a can of the drink, and he finally accepted it.

‘Thanks. I’ll hold on to it for later,’ he said. ‘Well, it was nice meeting you girls, and if you fancy promoting this energy drink at the House of Fitness, then you’re more than welcome to.’

‘House of Fitness?’ I repeated, utterly confused.

‘Yes.’ Philip took a few steps back, with a slight grin on his annoyingly handsome face. ‘I kind of own the place. Phone reception and ask for Patricia. She’ll arrange it for you.’

I felt my own face redden with utter cringe. ‘Oh .?.?.’

‘And Pilates?’

‘Uh huh?’

‘I’ll be sure to sort out the women’s changing facilities, too.’ He laughed, shaking his head and walked off.

We watched Philip Khan disappear into the changing rooms, both of us standing in stunned silence. Eventually, Katy turned to me, slapping me gently on the arm.

‘Pilates, Carol ? What the fuck, Ella?’ she whispered.

‘I panicked, OK? I thought he was a stalker. He was very intense, asking me loads of questions. Who does that?’

‘So, I get landed with my fucking great-gran’s name, and you go all exotic with Pilates?’ She huffed, indignant.

I burst out laughing and linked my arm through hers. ‘Come on, Carol, let’s get fucking out of here!’