Chapter Twelve
Ella
I arrived at the office the next morning to find Katy slumped over her desk, doing her best to disguise the fact she was texting, while Zola sat beside her, gabbing away, totally oblivious that Katy wasn’t listening to a word she was saying.
I sat down at my desk and began going through my emails.
I noticed a notification almost immediately from Banca Di Roma, a popular, trendy restaurant in Glasgow.
I had contacted them about a function room to host the art show.
Hi Ella,
We’d love to help, but unfortunately, the dates requested are already booked for other functions.
If there is anything else we can do, please let us know!
Carlo.
I sank into my chair. Great start to the day.
‘How was your night, Ella? Did you get any further with the art exhibition?’ Zola asked.
I shook my head, took out my Tupperware box of raspberries and granola, and placed it on my desk.
‘Babe, why did you bring food? I’ve set you up, remember?’ Zola scooted her chair closer to me.
‘Zo, I’m honestly not in the mood. I need to sort this mess. The Dicktionary Club will have to wait,’ I said, feeling exhausted from an entire night of tossing and turning, fretting about my job.
‘You can’t be serious, Ella. This could be our way out.
We could absolutely get our own thing started.
I know you’re stressed, babe, but you’re .
.?.’ She thought about her next statement, huffed, then said it anyway.
‘I’m sorry, but you are overthinking it all.
I know you like to be organised, right? And you have taken a bit of a risk with this exhibition, and yes , it’s taking a little longer for you to smash than normal, but you will.
You always do, babe!’ She grinned at me, and I attempted a smile back, but it was fleeting.
‘This website on the other hand is going to be huge. I honestly have butterflies whenever I think about it! Have you seen the update since the girls you recruited at the gym started reviewing guys? They have uploaded loads more dates already. Those bitches are smashing it.’
I turned my head in surprise, having muted the WhatsApp chat from the recruits almost immediately after it was created to stop the constant notifications.
‘I haven’t seen anything,’ I said.
Zola flicked back her braids and leaned over my desktop to log onto the Dicktionary Club.
‘So, I sent them over a questionnaire, things they had to answer on each date. Important questions. I’ve changed it around a little just to ensure every profile on each guy looks the same, and of course they can add anything else on the review tab down at the bottom.
Look, they’ve reviewed all their old dates too! ’
I gazed at the screen, watching as Zola clicked through some of the dates that had been uploaded.
‘Check this one.’ She laughed, clicking on a guy called Sam’s profile.
My eyes skimmed the mandatory questionnaire.
The date: Ice skating, then Nando’s East Kilbride (his idea).
Initial attraction: Sam was handsome, very similar to his profile pictures. Although not as ripped as his holiday ones suggest.
Manners: Friendly and bubbly. Excellent manners, but insisted on splitting the bill – even for hiring skates.
I felt my face twist, knowing my friends would offer different opinions on the matter, but I always thought that if a man asked you out, he should pay the first date.
What he is looking for: He says he is looking for a relationship and probably is.
Red flags: Very attention-seeking, loud. He seemed to know EVERYONE at the ice rink.
Green flags: Good communication. We arranged a second date while on the first.
Penis size: 3/5 stars. It has a decent length but is thin.
‘Ooooh.’ I winced.
‘Yeah, no one loves a cheese string, babe.’ Zola shook her head.
Review: Sam was friendly but very over-the-top, showing off.
He liked to brag, especially about his dance, skating and physical abilities.
I know dating is about putting yourself out there, but Sam was off the charts – I had to persuade him NOT to show me a backflip when leaving the shopping centre.
I hadn’t ice skated since I was a kid, and warned him I may need help on the rink.
But within a few seconds, he was off speeding around the rink like Torvill and Dean, pirouetting and performing tricks.
At one point, spectators were clapping, YES, CLAPPING!
Like he was some circus act that had come to EK.
I half expected an autograph line when we were leaving.
Oh, and while this was going on, I was left pushing a penguin created to help ‘less experienced skaters’ .
.?. basically kids! My back was broken, my legs were like jelly, and my arse was soaked from many, many falls.
He was friendly, though, Nando’s was enjoyable, and he opened up about what he’d like in a relationship.
I did see him again, and we had pretty standard sex.
Overall, not for me. He was a bit too much but was genuine.
I think you’d get along nicely if you’re really outgoing and are into extreme sports .
I was laughing hard at the girl from the gym’s chaotic date.
‘He doesn’t seem too bad, like not a player just .?.?.’
‘Just a fucking show-off,’ Zola said, ‘and no one likes a show-off. So, the questionnaire is easier, yeah? You could go on your dates today and easily fill that out afterwards.’ Her bright smile spread and, I admit, it was infectious.
‘Who is it with, and where? Tell me it’s not fucking ice skating!’
She shook her head. ‘No, no. So, lunch is with Ian. You can even meet up for a drink if you don’t fancy eating.
He is a little older .?.?.’ She lowered her voice and covered her mouth as if she was telling me a classified secret.
‘And he is a bit of a DILF if you ask me! He’ll meet you at The Social at one. ’
I huffed at the thought, although The Social was only around the corner from the office. ‘And tonight?’
Zola petted out her bottom lip. ‘Tonight is with Alvaro, and he is my favourite out of everyone. He’s so adorable, Spanish, and he’s studying law. Now this man is a complete sweetheart!’
‘And where am I meeting him?’ I asked, knowing I’d make my own mind up about his sweetheart qualities.
‘Drinks at Ashton Lane, so not too far for you.’ Zola turned her head towards Katy, who was still wholly engrossed in her phone. ‘Katy, who are you meeting with tonight? Any dates?’
Katy turned, a little flushed. ‘ Erm .?.?. well, I think I’m going to see Harry again.’
Zola tutted. ‘Again! We need a one-page review, Katy, not a fucking PhD dissertation on the man.’
Katy giggled and put her phone on her desk. ‘Guys.’ She paused dramatically. ‘I think I might be falling for him.’
Zola and I glanced at one another, then back to Katy, who was beaming.
‘Katy .?.?.’ I began.
‘Babe, you’re not,’ Zola interrupted, cutting to the chase. ‘You can’t fall in love, Katy. This is work! And you’ve known the man a matter of days.’
I couldn’t help but smile at Katy’s naivety around men. ‘Katy, we literally started this entire website for you to get your own back on these kinds of men. To raise awareness.’
‘And if I fall in love in between, Ella? What a bloody story for the grandkids!’ I could tell her mind was floating around the clouds like some love-struck teenager again.
‘Please tell me you haven’t told him this?’ I asked, knowing how this would end for her.
‘Well, no. Not yet. But I’m out of the Dicktionary Club when it comes to dating. I’d feel bad. We haven’t spoken about seeing other people, but I feel committed. He’s the one, guys. I can feel it. He’s funny, kind, has a good job, he’s well-travelled .?.?.’
‘You’ve only met him – what? – a couple of times, Katy,’ I said softly. I wasn’t trying to burst her bubble completely, but I wanted her to be more cautious, knowing how many times we’d been in this situation before.
‘When you know, you know, Ella!’ she snapped back. ‘Besides, the recruits from the gym are uploading like mad. I just checked and we have over forty reviews handed in overnight already. Like Zola said, they must be filling out old dates and things.’
‘Forty reviews.’ I could see Zola’s breathing change, like she was trying her hardest not to go completely tonto. ‘Katy, do you know how many people live in Glasgow?’
I could feel the tension rise between my friends.
Katy shrugged, looking unbothered. ‘Like twenty, thirty thousand?’
‘Try seven hundred thousand, and that’s in Glasgow alone! A high proportion of that seven hundred thousand, in relationships or not, use Tinder or other dating apps! We have SO many more men to review before we launch this site to users and expect them to pay.’
Katy lowered her head. ‘Look, I know. I’m sorry. I really am. I just haven’t felt like this for a long time.’
I bit my lip, trying not to giggle, knowing how often she fell in and out of love.
‘Look, it’s fine. Katy, date Harry. I have a couple of dates today, so we’ll see how they go,’ I said diplomatically, trying to ease the tension at our station.
I turned to Zola, who was still visibly fuming.
‘As Katy said, the girls from the gym are uploading dates continuously now too. We can still do this! And, Katy, you should also upload all your previous dates from before Harry. That way, the content will still be building.’
‘Yeah, yeah, no problem. I can do that,’ Katy replied happily, picking up her phone and returning to the screen with a smile.
Zola gestured to Katy. ‘And we’ve lost her again.’
*