Chapter Thirteen
Ella
Zola and Katy were sat munching Pot Noodles when I returned to the office, jumping up excitedly when they saw me. I shook my head and returned to my workstation, pulling off my classic-style trench and hanging it over my seat.
‘Well .?.?.’ Katy asked.
‘That was quick,’ Zola added.
‘That was a fucking disaster!’ I said and turned to her. She simply rolled her eyes back in despair at me.
‘I don’t think you’ll ever write a good review, you know that? You’re too much of a man-hater!’ Zola tutted, shoving another forkful of noodles into her mouth. ‘We can’t fill this website with nothing but negative guys – we do need some good ones too. We need women to have hope!’
‘Oh, yeah, well I’m sorry, Zo. I suppose I’ll look past the fact the man you set me up with casually likes to announce that he cums seven times a day!’
My friends’ faces dropped in shock. A second later, they burst out laughing, noodle juice flying down Zola’s chin.
‘And he is into Shibari, which Google tells me is Japanese rope bondage to restrain your partner. Sexy times!’
I glared at Zola, who held her hands up in defence.
‘I swear to God, he never mentioned that on his profile.’ She paused, taking it all in. ‘But seven times a day, seven days a week? Ouch!’
Katy scoffed. ‘I’ve managed eight before, and it gave me the worst cystitis of my life. I couldn’t pee for like a week!’
I giggled at Katy’s face, grimacing at the memory.
‘It’s unrealistic – how would you have time to do anything else? Seven times a day every single day,’ I said. I couldn’t take it in. When you factor in sleep too, he must bang one out every couple of hours.
‘His dick must be throbbing!’ Zola shook her head in disgust. ‘Although .?.?. I can’t wait to see his review. Pass me the popcorn!’
‘Oh, I can’t wait to write it,’ I said. ‘But the worst part was he seemed disappointed in me because I wouldn’t tell him my favourite position or anything. It was all too much.’
‘Reverse cowgirl!’ Katy held up her hand and performed a perfect yee-hah lassoing motion.
Zola tilted her head to the side, looking thoroughly impressed. ‘Katy, how do you struggle to keep a boyfriend when you enjoy reverse cowgirl?’ She laughed. ‘That’s a hell no for me, too much asshole in someone’s face, you know! I’m a lady like that. It’s on top or a casual spoon sesh for me.’
We tried to keep the laughter down as a few people glanced up from their desks, seeming distracted by our chat.
‘What’s your favourite, Ella?’ Katy asked, swirling around in her chair to face me.
My cheeks felt warm again. I’ve never felt prudish in front of my friends, but when it came to sex, I did feel inexperienced.
I’d dated the same man for years, and if I was being brutally honest, the sex between us became a boring, roll-over, wham-bam type of thing.
Joshua wasn’t adventurous; he was quiet, kind and a little bit cautious.
He was more than happy with our bang-average sex life. Truthfully, so was I.
‘I honestly can’t remember. It’s been so long,’ I admitted.
Zola gasped and pointed at me. ‘You know, she never talks about it,’ she said to Katy as if I weren’t in the room at all.
‘She doesn’t!’ Katy agreed.
‘Babe, have you actually had sex since Joshua?’
I made a squirming face, knowing how much I was about to be judged.
It was Katy’s turn to gasp. ‘Fucking hell, Ella! That was like,’ she looked up to the ceiling, working out the math, ‘like, three years ago, at least.’
‘It’s not a big deal! I don’t need it,’ I protested, needing to defend myself.
‘I can’t be arsed with the shit that goes along with it.
The emotions, the changing plans, the constant wondering what someone else is thinking about you.
The weird jealousies. It’s not worth it.
I’m honestly happy without it,’ I said. I turned to my computer, hoping the subject of my non-existent sex life would be dropped.
One new email from Alexander with the subject line: updates please . I felt my stomach twist.
‘So, how much do you spend on batteries then, Ella?’ Zola said, and Katy erupted into pure-filth laughter again.
‘Or do you have a plug-in? They’re meant to have so much more power. Nothing worse when your batteries are dying, and it takes half an hour to actually get you going,’ Katy continued.
I sighed and swivelled back towards them, feeling increasingly stressed and miserable. ‘I don’t.’
Katy’s jaw almost hit the floor. ‘You don’t own a vibrator?’ she announced for the entire office to hear. ‘No wand? No rabbit?’
I put my finger to my lips, urging her to be quiet. ‘Fucking hell, Katy. But no , I don’t! I just don’t like the idea of it. Its unsanitary; going inside you then sitting in a drawer, eww!’ A shudder ran through me.
‘So is a toothbrush, unsanitary I mean!’ Zola stated. ‘But you use that .?.?.’
‘Wait, Ella, how do you orgasm then?’ Katy continued.
‘I cannot believe you guys are more interested in this than the fact that I just went on a date with Glasgow’s biggest cum lord.’
My phone began ringing, and relief washed through me as an excuse to exit this uncomfortable conversation was presented to me. I pointed to my phone and picked it up, though there was no caller ID.
‘She goes old school – and we thought she got them guns from the gym!’ Zola reached over and squeezed my biceps, and both my friends continued to giggle like a pair of immature schoolgirls in sex ed.
I swatted her off me and answered the call. ‘Hello?’
‘Pilates?’
My heart instantly dropped to the floor, and I ushered my friends to gather around me, putting my phone on speaker.
‘Mr Khan?’ I replied, trying my best to sound confident.
‘How did you know it was me? Recognise my voice already?’
Because you’re the only one who calls me Pilates, ya dafty , I thought.
‘Exactly that,’ I murmured, choosing to humour him instead.
‘So, Patricia passed on your message, and my PR team sent over your LinkedIn email request. I thought I better give you a ring before you track down my mother’s Vinted account and message her too.’ He laughed. I felt my insides curl with mortification.
‘Yeah, I’m sorry about that,’ I admitted, but at the same time wondering what goodies a millionaire’s mother would sell on Vinted.
I would seriously have to check that out.
‘What it was, well .?.?. actually .?.?.’ I could feel myself hesitating, and I had no idea why.
I was usually so decisive when it came to work.
Zola nudged me and whispered, ‘Go on.’
‘Well, I need a favour, Mr Khan. You see, I work for Smart Reputations, a PR and marketing firm, and I’d love to speak to you about hiring one of your venues for an upcoming show for the world-renowned artist Alexander .?.?.’
He laughed under his breath. ‘Is that it? I have a team that deals with that sort of thing. I can email you their contact information, Pilates.’
‘Yes, thank you. But the problem is, I promised my boss I could get you in the office personally. She so wants to meet you,’ I said, wanting personally nothing more than to curl up under my desk.
‘She wants to meet me?’ he replied in a sarcastic tone, as if I was creating an elaborate plan to lure him into my office and promptly shag him against the filing cabinet.
I nodded, then received an elbow in the rib from Zola. ‘Be persistent!’ she whispered. ‘Keep going.’
‘She does. And the thing is, if you don’t – and I don’t mean to put this pressure onto you – but if you don’t, I will probably get fired.’ I glanced up at my friends. Katy had her fingers crossed in some sort of ritual and Zola was on the edge of her seat.
‘And it does need to be by tomorrow. Sorry,’ I muffled quickly.
There was a long pause.
‘Well .?.?.’ he said eventually, ‘we wouldn’t want you to be unemployed, would we, Pilates? I could be there at six tonight. Is that satisfactory?’
I jumped out of my chair in celebration.
‘Yes! Six is perfect! Thank you, I appreciate it. Will I send you the address?’ As I said it, I felt my body cringe yet again, realising I didn’t have his phone number.
The cunt probably withheld it because of how much I’d already stalked him this week.
‘I could send it to your LinkedIn, or something?’
He laughed at my overenthusiastic naivety. ‘It’s fine, my driver will know where he’s going!’
‘Thank you so much, Mr Khan. I’ll see you soon,’ I said, raising my hand to receive high-fives from my friends.
Without another word, the line went dead.
‘We did it!’ I screeched.
Zola hugged me. ‘You did it! Yes, girl!’
‘I’m so buzzing! You need to nail this pitch to him now,’ Katy said, and I felt the panic set in – for real this time.
‘I think he thinks I fancy him!’ I said.
Zola nodded. ‘Most powerful men think every woman from sixteen to sixty fancies them, sweetie!’
I screwed my face up, knowing he was the type of man I couldn’t stand – overly confident, a womaniser, brandishing a huge ego.
‘No! Wait, remember you have Alvaro tonight too.’ Zola seemed disproportionately cut up about the Spanish hunk I’d have to stand up.
I held my hands up. ‘Alvaro will need to wait, Zo. I’ve got to nail this pitch.’
She agreed, huffing slightly. ‘He’s so nice, though. Aghhhh. You could fit both of them in, couldn’t you?’
‘Zola, I really can’t. Cancel the Spanish guy or rearrange. Jesus Christ, I need to keep my job!’
Zola blew a raspberry from her mouth in frustration. ‘Fine!’
Katy smiled; she was nearly as hyped as me. ‘Do you need any help, Ella?’
I was already emailing Andrea with details of my meeting with Philip. ‘No, no, I think I got this. Thanks, though.’