Chapter Twenty-One
Ella
The following day, I woke up on my sofa to the sound of my alarm ringing out from my bedroom, still wearing the navy dress from my extremely short date with Philip.
I rubbed my eyes, dragged myself up and headed through to switch it off.
What a night, I thought. But then I felt a smile appear on my face, remembering my breakthrough with the campaign.
I couldn’t wait to continue what I’d started, to tell the girls my ideas and watch the emotions play out on Andrea’s smug face when I finally had the results this project deserved.
I brushed my teeth, combed through my hair, and got myself ready before heading to the office.
When I arrived just before nine, most of the staff were standing in line for our usual debrief, so I scurried across the floor to my desk, lifted the mood board I had spent hours creating last night, then squeezed myself back into the firing line.
There was no sign of Katy, but Zola stood casually slouched as Andrea began.
‘Good morning to everyone who made it here in time,’ she began.
Zola and I shared a look. It wasn’t like Katy to miss the debrief. I pulled my phone out to check for any messages – no new notifications.
‘I’m not interrupting you, am I, Ella?’ Andrea scowled at me.
Shit , caught. I tossed the phone behind me onto my desk. ‘Not at all!’ I smiled back.
‘Let’s start with you, shall we? What has Miss Banks been doing all week?’ Her tone was so condescending. She was setting me up for a fail, but not-to-fucking-day, you arsehole!
I cleared my throat. ‘Well, as you know, Andrea, yesterday I secured Kelvingrove Art Gallery for Alexander’s exhibition.
’ I paused for gasps of praise from my peers, but none came.
OK, tough crowd. ‘And I’ve put together a plan for this event that I think could attract a lot of attention.
’ I turned over my mood board, revealing it first to Andrea and then slowly turning it to ensure everyone else could see.
‘What’s this?’ There was a smirk forming on Andrea’s small-lipped face.
‘It’s my mood board,’ I answered.
‘Oh.’ She pulled her glasses down slightly, glimpsing my work momentarily before pacing her line of minions. ‘Is that what you call it?’
‘Yes, and I have chosen The Royal Painter as a theme. I’m throwing a royal ball celebration in honour of this exhibition.
Here.’ I pointed to the cutouts of dainty canapés I’d found online on Gordon Ramsay’s latest restaurant’s site, then stuck to the board.
‘I want expensive, themed canapés and champagne or prosecco if I have to watch the budget. You can see I’ve gone with the classic military red and gold décor to represent royalty.
I’m also planning to have violinists playing throughout the night, but their tunes will be poppy rather than classical to give that contemporary crossover vibe.
We’ll use our in-house photographer and videographer to create some really exciting content for all of Alexander’s social media accounts. ’
‘This all sounds riveting, Ella. But who is going to come? It’s a very large venue, after all. Have you thought about the guest list and how many people it will take to fill a venue of that calibre?’
I tried not to bristle. Andrea seemed almost keen on the idea of me failing.
‘Yes, of course. I’ve sent invites out to a whole bunch of people already, from artsy home account DIY vloggers to Glasgow School of Art professors, from major news outlets to small boutiques and art shop owners.
But I will also focus on my regular client demographic as well.
’ I watched everyone’s smiles fade into confusion.
‘Your usual demographic is young influencers in the beauty and fashion markets,’ Andrea said with an unmistakable snigger. ‘This isn’t their vibe, Ella.’
‘My plan is to pack the venue with TikTokers and influencers, who will, in turn, promote Alexander’s artwork to a much broader audience. These girls have the largest followings in the city, and they love an event. Especially a royal ball in the grandeur of Kelvingrove – think of the content!’
Andrea’s head tilted as if she was at last beginning to take my proposal seriously.
‘We’ll also be holding a competition,’ I continued.
‘We’ll get the guests to post Alexander’s artwork on social media, make a bid and the person with the highest bid will receive a personalised painted portrait of their choice.
The media and press invite templates are already made up, and of course I would love it if each of you could send them out to all of your contacts. ’
I finished and gazed around at my colleagues; I had to admit, they seemed impressed. Zola was nodding her head encouragingly.
‘Well .?.?.’ Andrea sighed.
The room was quiet. My palms were sweaty with anxiety.
‘Finally, you have devised a half-decent pitch for this, Ella. Next time, I don’t expect it to take a month.’
I felt my face turn blotchy as she moved swiftly to the rest of the team.
That was it? After all my stressing and planning and staying up till two in the morning – after connecting with Philip Khan and landing the most insane venue, for free?
Why could she never just say ‘well done’?
Why did she always have to criticise? Why was I staying in this shitty fucking job run by a woman who was surely fucking Kim Jong Un’s favourite mini dictator?
I was running over and over in my head all of the crazy, hurtful things Andrea had done in the past, shaking with anger inside until I felt a nudge from Zola.
‘Are you OK?’ she asked. ‘That was blinding, y’know.’
I glanced up. Around us, everyone was dispersing. The meeting was over and I hadn’t even noticed.
I could feel myself quivering. ‘I’m fine,’ I lied, not wanting to risk getting upset in front of the whole office.
‘Babe, you smashed it! This royal ball thing you got going on. Like what? You will be the talk of the place! It sounds amazing.’
I nodded, knowing it would be great, but all the enthusiasm I’d felt for it had just been shat on from Andrea’s fucking arsehole.
‘Where’s Katy?’ I asked, realising she was still MIA.
Zola shrugged. ‘She was getting ready for her night of passion, remember? Hopefully, she’s not slipped a disc, yeah?’
I managed to laugh, even though I was still livid. ‘She can’t miss the meetings, though. Andrea’s already gunning for us.’
Zola scoffed. ‘She guns for everyone. I’ll call Katy now. But seriously, great work, babe!’
I leaned into her warm shoulder, grateful for the compliments she gave so easily and genuinely, and we returned to our stations.
Just as Zola took out her phone to contact our missing friend, the office door swung open and Katy marched up to us. She was without makeup, puffy-eyed, and looked like she had been in a fight with a pit bull.
‘Wow, late-night gal!’ Zola exclaimed as she approached us.
Katy’s face turned red and her eyes began watering.
‘Oh no. What has he done?’ I huffed, just knowing Harry must have been another lying, deceitful dick playing her.
‘What has he done? What has he not done, more like.’ Katy began blubbing, and I noticed a few stares from around the room.
‘Hey, babe, let’s go into the conference room, people are watching,’ Zola replied, ushering her out of harm’s way, gripping her shoulders tightly while I followed behind.
As soon as I closed the door, Katy burst into tears.
‘He lied to me!’ she cried.
I was already shaking my head, waiting for an adultery scandal to drop.
‘Why? What happened? Katy, calm down. We got you.’ Zola tried to soothe the situation, but Katy continued to blub like a baby.
‘He told me he loved me!’ she moaned.
‘I know, I know. But what did he do?’ I asked again.
Katy took in a deep breath and began. ‘It was supposed to be the first night we, you know .?.?.’
‘Fucked?’ Zola challenged.
‘Made LOVE!’ Katy snapped back at her, with bloodshot eyes. ‘And I was so excited. I had shaved, loofah-d, fake tanned and stretched! I was ready for the time of my life. The night of passion he’d promised me!’
Both Zola and I nodded in anticipation.
‘So, he came round, everything started heating up, I got down on my knees ready to .?.?. you know .?.?.’
‘Suck him off?’ Zola interrupted, blunt as always.
‘And I pulled down his boxers .?.?.’
‘And?’ I was beginning to feel deeply uneasy.
‘And the lying bastard has a fucking micro penis!’ She screwed up her face in disgust, slightly hitting the boke at the memory.
I bit my lip, trying not to laugh at how dramatically my friend had explained the situation.
‘Babe, no!’ Zola burst out laughing. ‘But wait, how small is micro?’ She held up her pinkie, trying to gauge the size.
‘How small? How small? It’s non-existent. He’s all balls down there. There’s more meat on a butcher’s apron – put it that way. His dick is a fucking innie!’ Katy cried.
Zola covered her mouth to smother her laughter.
‘I thought that only happened with belly buttons?’ I asked, genuinely confused as I tried to visualise what she was describing.
‘Apparently not. His dick goes inside of him. It was like so small. I felt like I was sucking a thumb!’
I started to giggle. ‘So, you did give him a blow job? You went through with it?’
Looking traumatised, still in a haze, Katy sighed and said, ‘I mean, if you could call it that, Ella. I thought maybe he’s a grower?
You know. Some of the hottest guys are. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried.
’ It was at this point she retched, and Zola and I jumped back.
‘But I could have sucked that .?.?. chipolata and eaten a Big Mac at the same time. I didn’t even know it was in my mouth. ’
Zola was pacing. ‘But wasn’t he giving it—’ She put on her best manly Glaswegian voice. ‘ Oh, you’re going to be sore tomorrow , and all this chat?’
Katy nodded. ‘Yip! I thought my cervix would be sore, not my fucking pride!’ Then she burst into tears again.
‘OK, there’s no need to cry, Katy!’ I tutted. ‘He can’t help the size of tadger he’s got.’
She looked at me through teary eyes, seeming angry all of a sudden. ‘He tricked me, Ella. He made me fall in love with him first and made out it was because he had morals. But no, he just wanted me to get emotionally attached so I would attach my mouth to his tiny prawn dick!’
Zola and I started giggling again, but she shot us down with a deadly stare.
‘I’m sorry, Katy. It’s not funny. I know you liked him, but maybe he has a tongue like a fucking lizard, or fat fingers like the king. There’s more ways than one way to orgasm,’ I protested, trying to seek some silver linings to this cloud.
Katy looked up, seeming heartbroken and empty. ‘It’s done. I’m concentrating on the Dicktionary Club now. These men are not getting away with this anymore!’
‘He did lie to you,’ Zola agreed.
I shrugged. ‘I suppose he did. But maybe he doesn’t know how small he is? Maybe he’s not aware how small is small?’
‘Men watch porn, Ella. Don’t kid yourself. Just get back on the dating train, Katy, write about his pecker and get it out there!’ Zola urged her. ‘No more women should suffer like this.’
‘How are the gym girls’ entries coming along for the website?’ I asked Zola, wanting to get away from the subject of Harry.
‘Great! They’ve added hundreds more dates from their friends’ experiences, too.
’ She smiled. ‘I told them about our new feature piece every month and said this month’s would be on Philip Khan.
They LOVE the idea! A lot of the girls have heard all about his womanising! Wait, how did that go last night?’
‘ Erm .?.?. it sort of didn’t go last night.’ I scrunched my face up, knowing exactly how my friends would react. ‘Look, I got in his car, had my breakthrough about the exhibition just as he began driving, so I asked him to drop me back at the office,’ I explained.
Katy turned to Zola and then back to me. ‘So, no dinner? You used him as an Uber? And what breakthrough?’
‘No. Wait. No write-up for the website?’ Zola pushed me slightly, making me step back. ‘This is important, Ella. Jesus, look how Andrea is treating us! This Dicktionary Club could be our escape plan here.’
I knew Zola was right, but I really wanted to avoid being fired before we got the Dicktionary Club up and running.
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ll contact him tomorrow once I’ve tied everything up with the exhibition.
I need one more late night, then I promise my head will be completely on the website.
I’ll explain my idea when you’re calm, Katy, but I’ve sorted the whole thing.
I need one more night to finalise everything while it’s fresh in my head. ’
‘One more late night? Ella! You have Alvaro tonight. I rescheduled again,’ Zola moaned, throwing her hands up in the air in despair.
‘Zo, I can’t. Not tonight, there is no way!’
Zola tutted. ‘You can’t cancel this. I won’t let you!’
‘Look, fuck Alvaro, he’s just another giu!
I can’t do anything tonight. I have to work, Zo.
’ She was still glaring at me, looking baffled.
‘Ghost him! If you’re that bothered and want to save face – my face, by the way – rather than sending an awkward message.
Just let me wrap up Alexander’s campaign tonight, and then I’ll go on a date with Philip and do our feature piece as planned. ’
‘We all need to focus on the Dicktionary Club!’ Zola warned us.
I thought back to Andrea and how she spoke to me. I felt my stomach twist with resentment towards her.
‘I know. I agree. I’m all in. Let me sort this campaign tonight and we can speak about the launch date afterwards.’
Zola huffed, finally accepting that I needed to pass on Alvaro. ‘I think we should launch it on the first of August. That gives us another fortnight of dating, before we get it out into the world.’
I agreed, realising that meant scheduling to launch it the day after Alexander’s event at Kelvingrove.
Katy sniffled. ‘Well, I’m certainly back to dating. And I’ll be reviewing Harry and his chipolata! There’s no more holding off to catch the feels for Katy McIntyre! I want verified dick pics for approval before I start saying the L word ever again!’
Zola laughed. ‘Wow. She’s back!’ She held up her hand for a high-five, and Katy slapped it hard.
‘Oh, I’m back all right and ready to review those bastards!’