Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
My heart thundered in my chest. ‘Oh my God! Same! I saw an advert the other day on TV and the guy was scuba diving and I immediately thought of .?.?.’
‘Egypt! Ha!’ Joshua finished my sentence and I laughed, thinking of us going on a disastrous scuba-diving trip that ended in him breaking his nose.
I didn’t realise how much I’d missed this man in my life until now. He was the only one I’d ever really let in, the only man who hadn’t disappointed me, the only man I ever trusted.
‘My mum constantly asks about you, too. “How’s Ella? Let’s see her Instagram!” And I’m forced to troll photographs of the prettiest girl in Glasgow. It’s a form of torture, by the way.’
I felt myself blush, and playfully pushed his shoulder, enjoying the compliment, but knowing I had to unfollow all of his family after we split to save myself from mentally destroying myself.
‘Josh! We were wondering where you got to!’ a voice called out.
Suddenly, Joshua turned more rigid and he took a step back, welcoming the voice, ‘ Errr .?.?. I’m sorry. I bumped into an old friend. Ella, this is my wife, Sarah.’
I stopped, completely motionless.
Your what?
A beautiful brunette came round from behind him, and my eyes immediately fell on her large baby bump.
‘Yip, a little bruiser on the way!’ Joshua rubbed her stomach, and she grinned back, leaning into his shoulder.
I felt like I had been hit by a double-decker bus.
I couldn’t move.
I felt my chest rise and fall with panic.
The room was spinning. I was entirely speechless.
Say something, say something.
‘Con .?.?. con .?.?. gratulations,’ I eventually whimpered, unable to take my eyes off this woman’s rounded stomach.
‘Ella!’ I heard Philip’s voice cut through the static around me, and suddenly he was by my side. ‘I thought we would have to call a plumber out, you were taking so long in there!’
He looked at me, then at Joshua and his wife, and held out his hand.
‘I’m Philip. Nice to meet you.’
‘Joshua, and this is my wife, Sarah.’
I felt Philip’s arm immediately wrap around my shoulder. He pulled me in tightly. ‘It’s great to meet you both. Are you having a nice night?’
‘Yeah, man. Absolutely! It’s a cool vibe!’ Joshua was nodding his head, overcompensating for the agonisingly awkward situation we were both feeling.
‘Glad to hear it. If you need anything, a seat perhaps for Sarah, just say to the staff and they will take care of it,’ Philip added.
He was holding me tightly, almost as if he was actually keeping me upright, but I was in a zoned-out daze.
I’m not sure if it was the shock of seeing my ex, the shock of discovering he was married with a baby on the way or the effects of too much champagne, but I felt paralysed.
‘Amazing. Yeah, we’ll maybe do that. So, do you work here, mate?’ Joshua added.
‘I own the place,’ Philip replied confidently. ‘Look, we should really get back,’ he continued, smiling down at me.
‘Right, yeah. It was so great to see you,’ Joshua said.
Philip turned my body, and I could feel it trembling in his hands. As he guided me gently through the crowds of people drinking and having fun, I kept my head low. Tears began to trickle down my face.
‘Excuse me,’ Philip said as he led me through the bar. ‘Out of the way, please.’
I was in a trance. I was in complete disbelief.
How could Joshua be married? With a baby coming?
He looked so happy, so fresh, so handsome. But why wouldn’t he? He’d managed to get everything he wanted in this world. But I couldn’t understand how he could move on so quickly, while I was still stuck in the same life from when we’d ended.
Suddenly, a door shut, all noise became muffled, and I realised I was in the back room of the bar with Philip, surrounded by kegs and bottles of alcohol.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked in his deep masculine voice. ‘There’s an office upstairs, but this room was a bit nearer.’
I pushed back my tears with the heels of my hands, clearing my throat.
‘Yeah, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’ I asked him.
His dark eyes looked sad, observing me.
‘What? I’m fine,’ I said a little too loudly, trying to convince both of us. I could feel my chin quivering from the effort of trying to smile. ‘I’m honestly fine, Philip. You know I’ve probably just had a bit too much to drink.’
But as quiet surrounded us, and I tried to hold it all together, I let out a giant blubbering sigh.
‘Fuck, I’m so sorry,’ I eventually cried.
‘I take it that was the Joshua?’ Philip asked, clearly experiencing his own moment of shock.
I nodded. ‘And the pregnant wife who I had no idea fucking existed.’
‘Ouch,’ Philip murmured sympathetically. ‘And was that the first time you’ve seen him? Since?’
I attempted a snotty smile, still holding onto the pretence that I was fine. ‘Yep.’ I could hear my breathing hitch from all the emotions, and I held my hand to my chest, trying to regain composure. ‘God, I’m so sorry. Wow. I’m never like this.’
‘You never get upset?’ he asked softly, resting back on a keg.
‘Me? Never. I’m an adult,’ I said, laughing at even the idea of it. Knowing the last time I properly cried like this was the day Joshua left.
‘God, I cry all the time. Hysterically, in fact. Even an advert on the radio could set me off,’ he said, and I grinned at his attempt to reassure me.
‘He’s just .?.?. you know .?.?. the one I always thought would .?.?.’ I stopped myself.
‘Come back?’ Philip answered for me.
I held both of my hands to my face and nodded. ‘I didn’t want kids, and he did. Now he basically has a kid, so .?.?. I should be happy for him, I guess.’ I could feel my bottom lip quiver again.
Philip remained silent.
‘But there was always this tiny part of me that thought maybe he’d realise .?.?.’
Tears and snot trickled down my face again, and I sniffed loudly.
‘Realise what?’ Philip asked.
‘Realise that I could be enough for him. Just me. Just me and him.’
I began to feel tears stream down my face again and lowered my head, absolutely humiliated and distraught over how this night had turned out.
As I cried, I felt Philip’s warm body wrap around mine and hold me.
I tried to push him off, but he remained there.
His strong arms held me, until finally, I stopped fighting.
I didn’t have the energy; I felt broken.
I rested my head against his tux instead, sobbing until my breathing calmed and my heart rate settled.
We stood that way in silence for a few minutes.
‘Better?’ he eventually whispered.
I bobbed my head back, still glued to his chest.
Philip raised my chin to his face. ‘You don’t have to be strong always, you know.’
I nodded. ‘I am usually very organised and structured, not like this. I just didn’t anticipate that tonight, and it caught me off guard,’ I admitted, glancing up at him.
‘If you live life so organised and structured, what happens to spontaneity?’
As I fixated on Philip, my heart picked up its pace. His eyes were dark but full of kindness.
‘Spontaneity?’ I whispered back.
‘Yes. Like this.’
Philip leaned closer, his face hovering just above mine for a few seconds. I felt his warm breath on my lips, and then he kissed me.
I paused, stepping back.
‘We shouldn’t,’ I said immediately.
Philip stepped closer to me again, this time he placed his hand on my chin. I closed over my eyes. It felt good to be comforted. Then I felt his lips kiss me once more.
This time I wrapped my arms around him, not remembering the last time I was kissed.
He opened his mouth wider, kissing me more deeply, his tongue soft and warm.
His mouth began wandering down my neck, biting and grazing my skin.
He turned my body around, my back now pressing against him, and I looked up over my shoulder, his dark mysterious eyes locked on me, then we began kissing more passionately this time.
As his tongue wrapped around mine, his hands ran up and down my silky dress.
He grunted, touching me slowly but hungrily.
I turned back around, pushing him back to take a seat on a keg, kissing him even more deeply. It felt so good giving in to him, but it also felt like taking back some control.
Every part of my body surged to be touched. I could feel blood rush between my thighs at the thought of this man between them. I tugged on his jacket, pulling it off, and Philip allowed it to fall to the floor.
‘Jesus,’ he panted.
But I kept going. I wanted him. I wanted to feel better.
Philip ran his hand up my leg, and I widened my legs, desperate for him to touch me. He pulled my underwear to the side and started rubbing my clit.
‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘Keep going.’
Philip pushed a finger deep inside of me, and I arched my back, feeling every inch of it.
‘Fucking hell,’ he whimpered, almost in awe. ‘When was the last time you were touched, Ella?’
I opened my eyes and stared back at him.
‘Not since .?.?.’ I couldn’t bear to say his name. And I was determined my ex wasn’t ruining this moment for me.
I felt Philip remove his hand from me. He stood up straight. I stepped back, giving him space.
Did I do something wrong? I wondered.
He picked up his tux from the floor, dusting it off.
‘Is everything .?.?. Have I done something?’ I asked, embarrassment flushing my cheeks.
Philip shook his head. ‘No, no, of course not.’ He smiled, touching my face gently. ‘I want to do this right with you. Not in some grubby wine cellar. I’ll text Amelia and tell her we’re leaving, but you are coming home with me tonight.’
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
‘Right now? But what about the opening? The singer?’ I asked.
‘Fuck the opening, Ella! You need this, and so do I, to be honest. I’m not waiting any longer. Come on, we’re leaving.’ Philip stuck out his hand, and I grabbed hold of it.
Together, we exited the bar.