Chapter 49
Forty-Nine
The weed took the edge off enough for me to actively put my emotions in a box, tape it closed, and shove it in the abandoned warehouse of my soul where it will stay until the end of time.
All I need to do is avoid everyone and get through the night then everything will return to normal.
Will it sting? Absolutely. But stings fade, and eventually it will be like I was never even ever here at all.
Only when I pull into my mom’s driveway, every vehicle of everyone I know is here.
Because I planned a surprise dinner to announce my new life plan.
If I wasn’t forty and harboring dead eggs, I’d scale the house and climb through the window. Since I cannot, I pivot, pulling my phone out, doing what needs to be done, then making myself insentient.
“There she is,” Gavin calls as I walk in. His warm, cheery voice is the antithesis of my cold, empty ovaries.
The house erupts in applause, making me wince. Everyone’s in the kitchen. There’s champagne—that I bought—because we were supposed to be celebrating my future family and career pivot.
Gavin hooks an arm around my waist, pulling me close, looking like him as he kisses my temple. White tee, blue jeans, bright eyes, dreams of fatherhood.
I pry myself out of his grasp and avoid his gaze. “Hey.”
In the kitchen, the vibe is celebratory.
Mom tosses her hands in the air. “This must be quite the announcement if you’ve summoned us and are allowing me to have champagne, Reese.”
Two months ago, her brain was the most concerning thing in my life. Meanwhile, my eggs had already evacuated.
I force a smile. “I have to run upstairs.”
I move quick, destroying the evidence of my grief from my face with a washrag, then throw toiletries and clothes in a duffle.
I pause only once to look at the unchecked boxes of my life’s checklist. The list a teenage girl made and grown woman tried to complete but never will.
I snatch it from the board and rip it up before tossing it into the wastebasket.
For three breaths, I look at young Amanda’s and Reese’s faces in a faded photo; life didn’t turn out the way either of them expected.
I wish I could warn them. Wish I could tell them everything I know.
Amanda would still be alive and we would still be friends and I would have a family by now because I would have known not to waste my best years.
Since I can’t, I finish packing.
At the bottom of the stairs, I drop my bag, wipe the remaining inkling of my despair from beneath my eyes, and return to the kitchen with my brightest smile. My story will be quick and to the point.
Rue laughs, Nash beside her. He’s wearing a shirt covered in flowers and a doting smile on his face. He pecks her on the cheek then whispers something in her ear that makes her do a so-so gesture with her hand. He leaves her for the pantry.
Remy is mid-pour of a glass of champagne when she says, “You bring us all over here to finally announce your plans of world domination or what, Ree?”
Kids laugh and shout from another room, and I bite down on my smile. Everyone looks at me expectantly.
My superglued joy stays firm. “Those who dominate the world don’t announce their plans, little sis.”
Gavin steps next to me and wraps an arm around my waist. I look at him; he grins and winks.
Remy playfully hip checks me and offers me a glass.
“None for her,” Rue says.
My smile somehow widens. “Extra for me actually.”
Nash steps out of the pantry with crackers and points a finger at me. “That’s my girl.”
I step out of Gavin’s grasp and fill a flute—all the way to the top—and throw it back like a shot of liquor.
Then I refill it.
Rue laughs. “Finally, she relaxes.”
“Ha,” I manage, right before I drain the next glass and half of the next.
As I enter into a competition with myself to see who can get shit-faced first, Mom takes the spotlight and tells a story about champagne and a New Year’s Eve party she and my dad went to years ago.
“Hey,” Gavin says into my ear. “Is everything okay? I didn’t hear from you.”
I can’t look at him. Now or ever again.
“Nothing I’m not handling.”
After the next glass, I check my phone—I have less than eight minutes.
I can’t be in this room with all these people—especially Gavin—but the only way out is through. After this glass.
“Hi, Miss Reese.” Addie steps next to me and takes my hand then gestures for me to get closer with her index finger. I bend down so my ear is at her mouth, and she whispers, “I love you.”
She smiles up at me. My heart aches then breaks, but I do not cry.
I kick my heels off—her favorite: my Louboutins—and give them to her. Her eyes go wide, and her mouth drops open.
“I have to go on a trip for work,” I whisper so only she can hear. “But I want you to have these while I’m gone.”
It’s an impractical gift—they’re huge on her and exorbitantly expensive—but she wraps her arms around me. “Thank you.”
Gavin’s eyes are all over me.
“Go play,” I tell her.
Shoes in hands, she runs to the other kids in the living room. Her “Look what Miss Reese gave me” sounds like it’s coming from the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
I take a deep breath.
Gavin’s hand is on my back. “Did something happen at the appointment?”
“Nothing.” That’s not a lie. Nothing happened because nothing ever will happen. “Please stop touching me.”
He drops his hand, hurt fills his face, and I hate myself more than I hate my forever-empty uterus.
“Well,” Remy says, killing the chatter that’s picked up. “Are you going to tell us what’s going on or what, Ree?”
I drain my drink—turns out three or four or seven glasses of champagne aren’t enough to make me forget my reality—and force a smile. “Ha.” All eyes come to me. “Yes. What I have gathered you here for is to tell you that I have deci—”
The slam of a cabinet door cuts me off.
Nash winces and raises a hand in apology, but instead of finishing my thought, I watch him finish the insignificant process of filling a cup with water then giving it to Rue. She smiles at him—it’s tired—then takes a sip before eating a cracker.
Even though I told Gavin I can read people to near perfection, I don’t get everything right when I read strangers—it’s impossible to know everything about someone you don’t really know—but I’m never wrong when it comes to my sisters.
Ever.
I don’t know if it’s DNA bound or years spent living under the same roof or an invisible tie that can’t be explained, but I know every mannerism. Every angle of an eyebrow, tone of voice, or pitch of their shoulders.
Every glass of water, tired smile, and cracker.
Even when it makes my world crumble for the second time in one day.
“You’re pregnant.” The words slip out of me and physically hurt my mouth. Rue’s eyes go wide before snapping to Nash’s. He shrugs and grins.
She is.
Rue’s pregnant.
“For once, Reese,” Nash says with a raise of his glass, “I’d love it if you weren’t the smartest woman in the damn room.”
Remy gasps. “What?”
Rue beams, raising her water overhead. “Guilty as charged.”
Rue’s pregnant.
Everyone screams—Mom, Remy, and Rue instantly burst into tears—then attack each other with hugs and handshakes. Nash laughs at something Gavin says, and the kids all squeal like the baby is about to show up.
Everyone smiles but me. I stand there, numb, thinking of how fucked up God’s sense of humor must be.
Rue’s pregnant.
Due dates are being tossed around. Names. Nash wants a boy but will be happy with healthy. I go to the counter where the champagne is and drink another whole glass.
And another.
Rue’s pregnant.
Bennie radiates joy as everyone tells her what a great big sister she’ll be. I hear Addie say, “I want to be a big sister,” and I uncork another bottle then check my phone. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I want to disappear. I want the floor to open up and swallow me whole and delete me from this room. This day. This life.
Rue did everything wrong and I did everything right and she’s pregnant at forty-fucking-two.
Her singsong voice carries across the chatter to say, “Ree-Ree, looks like you should be taking tips from me now.”
Mom laughs while Remy says, “That’ll be the day.”
When I say, “That will be the fucking day,” even the walls seem to hold their breath.
“Reese,” Mom scolds.
“What?” I snap. “I fix your business. I find a surgeon to fix your brain.” I pause for them to argue. “And Rue gets pregnant?”
Gavin’s next to me again, worried and reaching for me.
“No,” I bite out. “Do not.”
He stills, mouth open and blue eyes wide.
“You know what else will be the day?” I raise my flute to the room while Mom ushers the kids out of the room. “When one of you comes to Chicago to visit me for a change.” I scoff then take a hefty sip. “Instead of me always having to come down here to clean up everything.”
“That’s not fair,” Rue argues. “We’ve tried to visit a dozen times and you’re always too busy.”
“Hey.” Gavin makes the unfortunate mistake of ignoring my demands because his voice is in my ear and his hand on my back. “Let’s go outside.”
I laugh—loud. Too loud for anyone to be comfortable. I cut my eyes to him. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
His chin pulls back. “What is going on?”
“We aren’t together, Gavin,” I snap.
Hurt fills his face and I want to eat my own words.
“We aren’t,” I repeat. “We fucked. After I bought a vineyard to save your ass too.”
“You bought the vineyard?” Gavin asks. He’s stunned. The room is.
I don’t say the rest. That I bought it because I wanted him to keep his shop or his mom to be able to breathe easy. I don’t bother telling them about me trying to fulfill the dream seventeen-year-old me had that fit like a glove until mere hours ago.
My “Yep” comes out cold, and my gaze goes to the ceiling as I tip my glass back—it’s empty.
“Why?” Gavin asks.
“Why?” I laugh. “Why do I do anything?” My eyes bounce between his. “To make money. To get results and move on. That’s why I’m here. To get my mom better—she is—and get back to my life.”
“Reese,” Mom says, “what’s this about?”
I slam my champagne flute on the counter, and it shatters. Nobody moves or breathes and I feel like seven hundred exploding sticks of dynamite have been shoved into my chest cavity.
“Maybe Gavin can fix that,” I sneer. To everyone else, I say, “And this is about all of you forcing a life down my throat that I don’t want.”
“Ree,” Remy says, “nobody’s forcing anything down your throat. You’re the one who said—”
“Your husband is a piece of shit for nailing a yoga teacher named Serendipity?” I spit out a laugh. “C’mon, Rems, can you be any more cliché? Darren’s been dicking around for years, and we all know it.”
Remy looks a breath away from a meltdown and Rue gasps. “Reese!”
“What?” I snap. “Someone needed to say it.”
Right on cue, headlights shine through the window. The alcohol doesn’t put a dent in the sadness coursing through me.
“That’s my ride, folks.” I take a deep bow. “I brought you here to tell you goodbye, and now that I’ve done what I came to do, I’m going home.”
At the door, I put on a pair of tennis shoes—they look ridiculous with my skirt—and Addie rushes over to hug me. “When are you coming back?”
“Um.” I reach for an answer I can’t find. “I don’t know yet.”
She looks like I feel—blinking those perfect almond-shaped eyes through her glasses—and I don’t know how to lie to her. I can’t. “I have to go.”
I glance at Rue whose body is growing a baby this very second. One that will have her eyes and Nash’s nose. I open my mouth to congratulate her but can’t do that either. Just like I can’t have a baby of my own.
Rue is pregnant and I am not. I never will be.
Mom calls my name, and I grab my duffle then slip out the door.
I hear it open and close behind me and know there’s only one person stupid enough to try to stop me.
“Do not follow me, Gavin.”
He does though—of course he does. As tears race down my face and I belligerently tell him to go to hell and hurry to the car waiting for me, he’s right on my heels.
“Reese,” he calls.
“Go away.”
“No.” He grabs me by the arm and spins me around. “What just happened?”
“I just saved you.” I raise a hand toward the house. “All of you.”
“Saved us?” His eyes are wide. “You just made an ass of yourself in there. You’re the one who needs to be saved.”
The champagne hits me all at once and I sob.
He pulls me to him, worried lines bracketing his eyes and mouth.
I bring my hands to his face, his perfect face.
He looks young—young enough he should get everything he wants with someone who can give it to him.
Young enough that in a world where excellence is a choice, he should get to choose it, over and over, and not be stuck with some woman who can’t let him.
I kiss him like it’s the last time I’ll ever kiss him because it is.
“Maybe I do,” I admit. “But I’m a vine that belongs somewhere else.”
“What are you talking about?” His eyes narrow. “You belong here.”
“I don’t.” I laugh a little and wipe my eyes. “It’s the first thing Banyan’s ever said that makes sense. And I lava you—and Addie—more than you can ever lava me.”
His mouth opens and I drop into the car, shutting him out with a slam of the door.
“The airport?” the driver asks, tapping a finger on a map-covered screen.
“Yeah.”
I press a splayed hand to the window as he starts to drive, watching Gavin turn from the man I fell in love with to a speck in the distance I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to forget.