12 Ian
Ian
“You will not believe the day I’ve had,” Ian says with a sigh when Brandon walks in.
They’re still on their knees, cleaning up and looking for bugs or anything Victor might have planted.
And they’re wearing one of the wigs they found on the floor—a pink updo with a huge cotton candy–looking bun.
Just to make the process seem less like a chore.
It hasn’t exactly worked. But the bourbon has.
Though that might also be why it feels like Brandon is taking forever to answer.
They’d understand him being stunned by the look—wig, briefs, and nothing else—but it’s warm in the apartment, and why clean in clothes when it’ll just make them dirty?
It’s not like Brandon hasn’t seen them in their underwear before.
But no, Brandon is taking a while to answer. And he has a weird look on his face—haunted almost. Ian looks down at their underwear, making sure there’s no awkward stains or anything hanging out—nope, they’re covered. They look back up at Brandon. “You good?”
That seems to shake him out of it. “Oh, yeah, just…based on your texts, this is not what I expected.”
He says it kind of funny, but Ian doesn’t mind.
They stand up and take off the wig, putting it on its stand on the shelf.
They’re all back in place now. “Yeah, it was…” They shake their head, not wanting to get into it being Victor, the confrontation—which will lead to the pitying look in Brandon’s eyes, the group chat going pseudo-intervention as everyone tells Ian that this is what they get for being obsessed and keying a car now and then.
Ian will tell him later. Maybe everyone at once, at brunch next week when they’ve had a few.
“It’s taken care of,” Ian says with a shrug, then sits down on the futon.
“How was your thing? You see your man? Play Prince Charming?”
Brandon stares a moment, and Ian is worried they’ve said the wrong thing and he’s going to start crying. They love Brandon but really don’t want to deal with that right now. “That bad?”
Brandon shakes his head quickly. “He just wasn’t there. It was nothing.”
“You were gone a while for nothing.”
“Ollie and I walked for a while, and then I just…wandered around, wondering what I’m doing with my life.”
“Awww, honey.” Ian pats the futon next to them. “Honestly, same. Except I cleaned up instead of walking. I feel like maybe I’m making some bad choices lately.”
“Me too,” Brandon says, sitting down.
“But we can get better. Just gotta try,” Ian says, arm around Brandon for a side hug.
“Yeah,” Brandon says, laying his head on Ian’s shoulder.
“Wanna order from that taco place and watch The Nanny ?”
Brandon nods on their shoulder. Ian hugs him a little tighter. They know the world can be cruel to people who love love. The one time Ian really fell, it was more pain than anything else in the end. They can’t imagine doing it over and over again like Brandon.
They grab their phone and order the tacos—Ian is happy Brandon went for that, since all the other delivery places are more expensive—and turn on The Nanny .
It’s not until halfway through the third episode and second taco that Ian sobers up enough to realize Brandon really is acting kind of weird.
Not laughing at The Nanny as much, or Ian’s one-liners.
He’s quieter, almost defeated. He doesn’t even respond when Ollie texts about having a date and only manages a slight smirk when Ian texts back making fun of Brandon while sitting next to him on the sofa.
Ian isn’t sure what to say. This Jon guy was another schmuck who ghosted Brandon, but until Brandon says something about it, Ian doesn’t want to go into “you’re better than that bitch” mode.
But they will, soon as Brandon says he’s ready for it. For now, though, there’s tacos and TV.
Ian goes to bed first, since they have to be up early for drag brunch at the Wreck Room, but they can tell Brandon’s still upset, and there’s really only one thing he can be upset about.
“I don’t know what’s going on with that guy, but if it’s meant to be, I’m sure you’ll find him again.
” They give Brandon a tight hug. What else can they do?
Brandon is quiet for a moment before saying, in a strange voice, “Maybe.”
****
Drag brunch is more of a family-friendly event, so Ian’s usual combination of filthy stand-up and their lip sync to “HOT TO GO!”—which involves faking a lot of orgasms—isn’t really the vibe.
Instead they have a bit they do lip-syncing to “Surface Pressure” from Encanto while juggling a bunch of plates of fake food like an overwhelmed waitress, dressed in a fun ’60s number, and then a backup role when Cheong Mendes does his “A Girl Worth Fighting For” number, from Mulan (Constance is the girl).
Otherwise, it’s mostly joking with customers, walking that line between funny, mocking, and flattering without being too sexy about it, which admittedly is difficult when you look as good as they do.
They have regulars: some cute families who love to come see “Miss Constance” sing, and some straight girls and gay boys who are fans of their evening shows, too.
It’s busy, hectic, but fun. And the tips are good.
There’s a good-looking guy sitting in their section today—alone though, which is weird.
No one goes to brunch alone, especially not drag brunch.
And he orders only coffee. Ian wonders if he’s a talent scout, but he’s so big and square-jawed, kind of rough, not at all what Ian thinks of talent scouts being.
And the weird emoji tattoo on his neck makes him look even rougher.
Which Ian likes, of course. They try to be a little flirtier with him, then a little funnier, but his expression stays sort of at a half smile, the kind where Ian can’t tell if it means anything.
They hope this isn’t a prelude to a hate crime or anything, but he’s gone after their solo and leaves an adequate tip, so maybe he was just looking for some coffee.
Who knows? New York takes all kinds. Funny tattoo though.
Which is what they text the group about when they have a break.
IAN
Weird guy in my section today
big and mean but ridiculous emoji tattoo
OLLIE
Was it the heart eyes?
brANDON
Heart eyes?
They text it almost simultaneously.
IAN
WTF? Is that some popular new tattoo I don’t know about?
The chat goes silent. Ian watches both Brandon’s and Ollie’s “ … ” appear and disappear a few times, but no one says anything. Very weird, in an itchy, people-are-talking-about-me way that Ian hates. Did they do something wrong?
IAN
What’s going on?
NICOLE
I have no idea about the heart eyes tattoo guys?
brANDON
You said not to tell!
IAN
Tell what?
They feel very anxious now. Why would they be left out? Have they been secretly annoying these people they thought were all their besties, the few people in the world who would never get really annoyed with them, never abandon them?
NICOLE
Great job, Brandon
Maybe Ian has done something wrong. Maybe it was the car keying, the rage. They should have known no one could handle it, Victor couldn’t, and they’re just going to keep doing this with everyone in their lives.
Ian types in Are you mad at me? but it sounds so pathetic, they delete it immediately.
OLLIE
No one is mad at you Ian
Ian smiles a little at that. Trust Ollie to know them best.
NICOLE
No texting
facetime now
Ian swallows as the chat turns to a video call, something they usually save for special occasions, like New Year’s, if they’re not all together.
Faces pop up in a pyramid of screens, Nicole and Brandon on top, Ollie on the bottom, and Ian’s own face in the lower right, still in full drag.
Nicole looks like she’s in a bathroom, Brandon is at home on the futon, and Ollie is somewhere Ian doesn’t recognize, but it looks soft and white like heaven.
“Everyone alone?” Nicole asks.
Ian looks behind them. The dressing room has people going in and out, mirrors for doing makeup everywhere, clothes strewn around. They duck into the bathroom and lock the door.
“Now I am. What’s going on?” they whisper. They don’t know why they’re whispering; it just feels like they should.
“You look great,” Brandon says.
“The makeup is giving,” Ollie adds.
Ian doesn’t need compliments right now, but they check themself in the screen and fix where a lock of their wig is coming loose. “I know. Now what the fuck is going on?”
“Do we need to talk in code?” Brandon asks.
“I honestly am not sure,” Nicole says.
“Okay,” Ollie says. “So it’s about yesterday, when Brandon, or, I guess…B?”
Brandon nods on-screen.
“When B and I went to…play Prince Charming. Return the glass slipper.”
“Just say it,” Ian says, unclear on why a code is warranted. “What is going on?”
Brandon flinches.
“Code,” Nicole says. “Just trust me.”
Ian nods. They’re outnumbered, but they hate this. It feels silly. Their fingers tap the wall they’re leaning against.
“And we found him at the…palace we knew about,” Ollie continues slowly, trying to think of code phrases.
Nicole sighs, kneading the spot between her eyes.
“But once we were there…” Ollie shakes his head, unable to find words. “There was a sudden change in someone’s status.”
“Oh, Jon has a boyfriend? Sorry, Brandon,” Ian says, still confused.
“No,” Ollie says quickly. “Not Jon. We saw someone else, and they—”
“We saw someone’s peach get blasted,” Brandon interrupts, eyes wide.
Ian frowns, still confused. “You saw someone get fucked in the ass? It’s New York, who cares?”
“No, not the ass,” Brandon says, horrified. “No, no.”
“Oh no,” Ollie says. Pete barks somewhere off-screen.
“A peach is an ass.” Ian is getting frustrated now. “What else could ‘blasted’ be?”
“He got shot!” Brandon says.