Chapter 5 #3
‘Oh, good for you!’ Brian said politely.
He thought balefully of the fleet of Mercs and BMWs that had been parked in the drive when they’d arrived and wondered how the O’Neills could possibly have come in more, unless they’d got the children to drive down by themselves.
Still, he supposed Kate’s weird mother was trying to be nice and to find common ground between them, however tenuous.
‘Well, everyone has to do their bit for the environment, don’t they?’ Grace said, patting Brian’s shoulder.
Jack waved to Kate from where he was sitting in the shade of a tree at the end of the garden, reading the paper. Carmen was on the grass, babbling into her mobile, no doubt to Lorcan.
Rachel was pegged out on a sunbed wearing a skimpy lime-green bikini, topping up her honeymoon tan, her newly polished toenails glistening in the evening sun.
She sat up as they came out, raising an arm to shield her eyes.
On seeing Brian, she leaped up, threw her arms around him and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
‘Hello, Brian, it’s lovely to see you again.
’ She beamed, keeping an arm around him and throwing back her shoulders to show off her golden breasts to full advantage.
Rachel was an egalitarian flirt and felt everyone had an equal right to fancy her, even her little sister’s horrible boyfriend.
‘You know most people here, don’t you,’ she said, ‘except Josie and Carmen? Come on and I’ll introduce you.
Here, have a drink first – Helen’s made a big jug of Pimm’s.
’ She poured some into a huge glass and thrust it into his hand.
Then, taking his other hand, she bore him off around the garden.
Conor handed Kate a glass of Pimm’s. ‘So, which way did the bus go?’ he asked.
‘Oh, it goes via Timbuktu, just in case anyone wanted to get on. It’s very democratic,’ Kate replied.
‘Darling, what on earth are you wearing?’ Grace hissed, coming over to join them.
Kate had hoped no one would notice her clothes, but she should have known better. She had been aware of her mother eyeing her askance since she had come down. ‘They’re trousers I bought in Africa,’ she mumbled.
‘Was a circus having a closing-down sale?’ her mother said.
‘Very colourful!’ Tom said. ‘They sold some great stuff on the beach in Thailand, but I couldn’t get Rachel to buy any of it – and it was so cheap!’
‘Well, that’s probably why,’ Conor said sardonically.
‘These trousers only cost about a euro,’ Kate told Tom.
Grace’s expression clearly implied that Kate had been robbed.
‘They look very cool,’ Tom said.
‘Well, I wouldn’t go that far,’ Kate said, grateful for his support.
‘Oh, I didn’t mean cool as in trendy. I meant, you know, light and summery.’
The problem was, Kate’s fat clothes didn’t fit her any more and the stuff she had bought in Africa had been fine when she was there, in the dazzling light and surrounded by people who dressed as if every day was carnival, but now that she was home they seemed garish and outré.
She was all too aware that today she looked like a clown.
‘I thought maybe you were thinking of entering the Notting Hill Carnival this year,’ Conor teased.
Kate widened her mouth in a mock smile, but she had to admit that all she needed was a big feathery headdress and she wouldn’t be out of place sambaing down the Portobello Road to the beat of a steel band and the shriek of a thousand whistles.
‘Kate, I hope you’re not going to start dressing like a hippie, just because you’re – you know…’ Grace pushed her mouth close to her daughter’s ear, ‘…engaged to Brian.’
‘It’s just that my old clothes don’t fit me any more, and I don’t have any money for new ones.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that,’ her mother said. ‘Rachel and I will bring you on a shopping spree when we get back to Dublin and get you kitted out with a whole new wardrobe.’
‘But I can’t afford it,’ Kate protested – especially the sort of places where Rachel and her mother shopped.
Grace waved away her objections. ‘My treat. You have such a fantastic figure now, Kate, you need to make the most of it with some decent clothes.’
Kate could see her mother was already excited at the prospect – she liked nothing better than the chance to overhaul someone’s wardrobe.
Kate, however, wasn’t sure how happy she was to be the subject of one of her mother’s makeovers, but she was grateful for the offer.
‘Thanks.’ She smiled. ‘That’s really generous. ’
Suddenly Carmen jumped up from the grass and made a beeline for the house, rather pink in the face.
‘Hi, Kate.’ She stopped briefly to give Kate a kiss. ‘So nice to see you again.’ She rushed away as her mobile rang again.
‘Off to her room to have phone sex with Lorcan,’ Tom said.
When Brian had finished his tour, he rejoined Kate. Jake bounded up to them. ‘D’you two want to play football?’ he asked eagerly. ‘Rachel won’t, but Will and Josie are playing, so it’ll be three against three.’
‘Well, I don’t know—’ Kate realised she had no idea how Brian was with kids.
‘Please,’ Jake begged, putting his hands together in a prayer position. ‘We’ll let you have Will on your side,’ he added.
‘Is he good, then?’ Brian asked him.
‘He’s from England, same as Beckham,’ Jake explained, with irrefutable logic. ‘Or you can have Josie, if you like. Josie’s good in goal because she’s built like a big shithouse – that’s a kind of toilet,’ he explained, plainly delighted with the expression.
Kate tried to look disapproving but couldn’t help laughing. ‘Jake,’ she admonished him, ‘you shouldn’t say things like that.’
‘Josie said it first.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t repeat it. And, anyway, it’s a brick shithouse, not a big shithouse.’
‘So, will you play?’ Jake persisted.
‘Okay,’ Brian agreed. ‘We’ll take Josie.’
Kate just hoped she wouldn’t be required to tackle Will too vigorously.
* * *
After they had allowed the children to trounce them at football, dinner was ready.
Everyone crowded around the long wooden table as Helen and Carmen carried huge dishes from the kitchen.
‘You’ll have to put up with my cooking tonight,’ Helen said to Brian.
‘I’m not quite up to Kate’s standards, I’m afraid. ’
‘Oh, don’t mind her, Helen’s a brilliant cook,’ Kate told him, smiling at her sister-in-law. ‘What are we having?’
‘Fish,’ Helen announced, lifting the lid on a platter of glistening barbecued sea bass, their skin scored and blackened. ‘Fresh out of the sea this morning. It’s the only thing to have down here really, isn’t it?’
‘Oh!’ Kate said, dismayed.
‘Yes, and Conor’s done a really good job of barbecuing it,’ Helen continued as she arranged the side dishes on the table.
‘Is there anything else?’ Kate asked.
‘Well, there are potatoes boulangére, peperonata, salad, bread.’ Helen indicated the various dishes. ‘Help yourselves, everyone.’
‘It’s just that Brian’s a vegetarian,’ Kate said, hating to make a fuss when Helen had gone to so much trouble. ‘I’m sorry, I thought you knew.’
‘Oh!’ Helen looked from Grace to Rachel. ‘I knew he didn’t eat meat, but I thought he ate fish.’
‘I thought all vegetarians ate fish,’ Grace said.
‘I’m sorry, Brian, I could have sworn someone told me you ate fish,’ Helen said.
‘No, nothing with a face,’ Brian said.
‘Oh, it’s okay,’ Jake piped up from the far end of the table. ‘My mum cuts the face off, don’t you, Mum?’
‘I don’t think that’s quite what Brian means, Jake,’ Helen told him.
But Jake thought he had found a kindred spirit and was keen to reassure him.
After all, it wasn’t every day you found an adult who was so sensible about food.
Most of them were always boasting that they’d eat any old rubbish.
‘I don’t eat faces either,’ he continued chummily.
‘Imagine eating the eyes,’ he said, screwing up his face in disgust. ‘They’d be all squelchy and yucky. ’
‘Yes, okay, Jake, we get the picture.’
But Jake was just getting into his stride. ‘And the nose!’ He was relishing the opportunity to gross everyone out. ‘Imagine if you ate the nose and it was full of snot. Yeugh!’
‘Jake, it’s not just the face that Brian doesn’t eat,’ Helen said wearily.
‘I just feel that animals with faces are so like us, aren’t they? They’re our friends,’ Brian explained. ‘You wouldn’t eat one of your friends, would you?’
‘I wouldn’t eat their nose anyway,’ Jake said, ‘in case it was full of snot.’
‘Jake, stop talking about snot and eat your dinner,’ Conor snapped. ‘Sam, what’s wrong?’
No one had noticed that Sam had gone very quiet and was looking morosely down at his plate. ‘I don’t want my dinner,’ he wailed, his face crumpling.
‘What’s wrong with it?’ Conor asked.
‘It’s all got a face!’ Sam sobbed, as his smiley-face potato waffles and fish nuggets with fishy faces beamed up at him. He had been going through a phase of only eating beige novelty food.
‘If Brian’s not eating his fish,’ Jake piped up, ‘can I not eat my vegetables?’
‘No,’ Helen said firmly. ‘You have to eat your vegetables.’
‘It’s not fair!’ Jake said. ‘Why is Brian allowed be picky and I’m not?’
‘Because guests can be as fussy as they like and you just have to put up with it,’ Helen answered tetchily.
‘You’re lucky,’ Jake told Brian. ‘We’re not allowed be finicky about food, are we, Sam?’ His younger brother shook his head glumly.
As everyone passed dishes around and Jack poured wine, Kate heard her mother still trying to persuade Brian to try the fish. ‘Go on,’ she was saying. ‘We won’t report you to the Vegetarian Society.’
‘No, really. I’ll just have the salad and vegetables,’ Brian said politely. ‘It looks great.’
Soon everyone was tucking in hungrily, complimenting Helen extravagantly on the food.
‘These vegetables are wonderful,’ Brian enthused, aware that he was responsible for all the disruption. ‘Are they organic?’
‘Yes,’ Helen admitted resentfully, suddenly wishing they’d come out of a can.