Chapter 6 #5
There he goes, doing the wrong thing again, she thought, as he made his way out.
But as he was passing Rachel, he murmured, ‘It was a beautiful wedding, Rachel. You looked wonderful – so happy.’
‘Thank you, Brian.’
For once Kate felt he was a boyfriend she could be proud of.
Everyone went into a daze as the DVD rolled on.
Kate saw herself leaving with Will and, shortly afterwards, Carmen and Lorcan were slinking off together.
As the camera zoomed in on Owen doing shots with Auntie Iris, Kate noticed the strange girl – Una her name was – who had had her eye on Freddie.
She was snogging someone but they were hidden by a pillar.
Kate thought how funny it would be if it turned out to be Freddie.
Then Una said something and a disembodied hand grasped hers.
Kate’s blood froze as Brian emerged from behind the pillar and led her out of the ballroom.
Kate felt sick. Hardly able to breathe, she wondered if anyone else had noticed, but there was no indication that they had.
‘Auntie Iris is looking well, isn’t she?’ Conor said, confirming that they were focused on the foreground.
‘It’s the booze,’ Jack said. ‘She’s preserved in gin.’
Then Kate caught Will’s eye and, from the way he was looking at her sympathetically, she knew he had seen Brian too. She couldn’t bear it – she was about to burst into tears. She wanted to howl and scream. She had to get out before she lost it.
‘Speaking of booze, does anyone want another drink?’ she asked, getting up.
Rachel and her mother raised their glasses and she collected them, then shot off to the kitchen as fast as her wobbly legs would carry her.
She kicked the door closed behind her and turned on the taps full blast, blindly rinsing glasses through a blur of tears.
How could he? How could he? She slumped against the sink.
It had been her first day back and he had seemed so pleased to see her.
Why did this always happen to her? Why did she never bloody learn?
She had really thought Brian was different.
She had never imagined he would hurt her in such a crass, banal way.
She’d thought he had depth. But despite all his consciousness-raising and third-eye gazing, all the loving-kindness meditation and chakra-balancing, he was still just another bloke who couldn’t say no to an available shag.
He had asked her to marry him the next day, for fuck’s sake, she thought, kicking the cupboard furiously and stubbing her toe – not a good idea in bare feet. She sucked in her breath as pain shot through her foot. The glass she was holding slipped through her fingers and fell to the floor.
‘Shit, shit, shit!’ she wailed, tears streaming down her face as she bent to pick up the pieces.
A shard slipped in her hand and sliced painfully into her finger.
‘Ouch!’ She waved it in the air as blood oozed from the cut.
‘Kate, are you okay?’
She jumped at the sound of Will’s clipped tones, hastily wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
‘I broke a glass,’ she sniffed. ‘And cut my finger.’
She heard Will cross the kitchen and then he was standing beside her. She bent forward to continue picking up the glass, letting her hair fall over her face to hide it.
‘Leave it!’
‘I’ll just get the big bits,’ she said, straightening and making for the bin.
‘Don’t move,’ Will ordered, eyes on her bare feet. ‘There’s glass all over the place. You’ll get cut.’
Kate stood stock-still as he took the glass from her hand and threw it into the bin, the crunching under his feet confirming that there were tiny fragments all over the floor. Then he put an arm around her back and bent to pick her up.
‘What are you doing?’ she shrieked, her body rigid.
‘I’m going to carry you over there,’ he said, nodding to the other side of the kitchen.
‘You’ll do your back in!’ she protested. She had suffered enough humiliation this evening without having Will crumpling under her weight.
‘I’m not as feeble as I look.’
‘Still…’
‘Okay, hop on,’ he said, nodding at his feet.
‘What?’
‘Stand on my feet and I’ll walk you over. Come on.’ He grabbed her hands.
Standing face to face with Will as he walked her across the room in a strangely intimate dance, Kate thought she should have let him carry her.
At least she wouldn’t have been eyeballing him.
Her heart was skipping so many beats she thought she might pass out.
In an effort to appear calm, she fixed her eyes on the broad, tanned column of his throat.
She was by no means petite, but Will was so tall that, even standing on his shoes, she could have tucked her head easily under his chin.
She had an almost overwhelming urge to lay it on his chest and bawl her eyes out.
God, she thought, Freddie was right. I’m not over you at all – not one little bit.
As long as she didn’t see him she could tell herself it was just a teenage crush, a first love she’d grown out of.
But five minutes in his company and she was right back to square one, sixteen all over again and as much in love with him as ever.
But I was right too, she told herself firmly. What does it matter how crazy I am about you when you don’t feel the same way?
When they reached the table, he lifted her onto it as though she weighed no more than a child. ‘Let’s take a look at this,’ he said. Her hand was still bleeding and he picked out a sliver of glass that was embedded in the skin.
‘Sorry,’ he said as Kate yelped. ‘Does it hurt?’
‘Just stings a bit.’
He got a cloth and dabbed away the blood.
He opened his mouth to speak, but apparently thought better of it.
Kate prayed he wouldn’t say anything about Brian – she couldn’t bear it if he said something sympathetic.
She wouldn’t be able to stop herself crying, and it was embarrassing enough that he knew.
‘I think you’ll live. Got any plasters?’
‘There should be some in the cupboard over the sink.’
He found the box and fished one out, opening it as he came back to her. Then he took her hand and put it around her finger.
God, this doctor mode is way sexy! Kate thought, beginning to enjoy herself.
‘There. All better,’ he said and pressed a light kiss to the plaster. Suddenly he looked up and she was knocked sideways by his smile. He really was the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen. ‘Remember when Grace used to kiss it better?’ he said, still holding her hand.
‘Oh, all mothers do that,’ Kate said gruffly, blushing crimson and looking away.
‘Not when you’re twenty-one!’ Will said drily.
‘True.’ Kate laughed.
At that moment, Brian came in from his walk and found Kate sitting on the table holding hands with Will and laughing up into his eyes.
‘Oh, Brian!’ Kate pulled her hand away when she saw him and jumped down from the table.
‘Having fun?’ he said, with biting sarcasm.
‘Yes, we’re playing doctors and nurses,’ Will said, smiling impudently but his eyes were cold as ice. ‘Or, rather, doctor and patient.’
Without a word, Brian left the room, boot-faced.
‘I’d better go after him,’ Kate said.
‘Go on,’ Will said, casting a murderous look after Brian’s retreating back. ‘I’ll clear up in here.’
* * *
The next morning, Kate went down to the beach.
She needed to clear her head and think things over.
She hadn’t had much sleep. She had finally got up the nerve to confront Brian with his infidelity, but far from being contrite or penitent, he had been quite blasé about it.
To her dismay, he didn’t understand what she was so upset about.
It wasn’t as if they were married, he had pointed out – they hadn’t even been ‘engaged’ at that stage.
She hated the way he always said ‘engaged’ in quotation marks, as if it was marvellously ironic.
He had also reminded her that they had been on a break.
What difference did an hour or two either way make.
Against her better judgment, she had asked him if he had been with Suzanne while she was away – which, of course, he had.
‘It’s only natural to explore every relationship,’ he had said.
‘That’s just a fancy way of saying you shag all your friends,’ Kate had retorted.
‘What about you? You’ve been flirting with Will all weekend.’
‘I have not been flirting with Will! We’re friends, that’s all – of course, you wouldn’t understand that people can be friends without shagging each other!’
It had turned into a blazing row. They had finally made up after spending almost the entire night talking, but the whole thing had left her feeling wobbly.
The trouble was, she didn’t feel she was in any position to cast the first stone.
It was true that nothing had happened between her and Will, but no thanks to her.
Brian could be with Suzanne if he wanted to, but he didn’t: he had chosen to be with her.
But if she could be with Will… On the other hand, since that was never going to happen, was she supposed to stay single and celibate for the rest of her life?
She did love Brian – she just loved Will more.
Kicking off her sandals, she walked along the shoreline, letting the waves wash over her feet.
The cold water made her catch her breath, but she soon acclimatised to it.
This whole weekend had been a disaster. Rather than bringing Brian and her family closer together, it had merely emphasised the division between them.
She hated to admit it, but it had made her see him in another light.
He was different when it was just the two of them, one to one, but too often over the weekend she had found herself being embarrassed by him or apologising for him.
Worst of all, she had discovered that she was still head over heels, blind as a bat, in love with Will.
She sank down near the water’s edge, picking up a twig from the sand.
Brian had offered her a fresh start, and that was what they would have, she decided.
What they had was real, and they could make it work.
It was just that she had been pushed together with Will too much over this weekend, which had brought back her old feelings painfully and vividly.
But she would put that behind her. She wouldn’t take the job in Tuscany and Will would fade out of her life, resurfacing occasionally on holidays and family occasions.
On a whim, she stood up and wrote:
I love Will
in large letters on the sand. She watched as the water crept in, slowly encroaching on the words to carry her secret away and erase it for ever. That was the end of it, she told herself.
‘Kate?’
She almost jumped out of her skin when she heard him behind her. Her eyes darted back to the sand, and she was relieved to see that the tide had washed away her idiotic doodle.
‘Will!’ She turned to him.
‘I’m just packing up the car – I’ve got to get back to Dublin early. Do you two want a lift?’
‘Oh no, thanks. We’ll go later with Mum and Dad.’
‘Okay.’
‘Will, I’ve been thinking about the job offer…’
‘Yes?’ He smiled hopefully.
‘Um, I’m afraid I’ll have to say no,’ she said, scuffing the sand with her foot, feeling ungrateful.
‘Oh, that’s a pity.’ He seemed genuinely disappointed.
‘Thanks for the offer, though.’
‘No problem. Well, I’ll see you at the house.’
He started to walk back up the beach. As Kate watched him go, she realised her heart was pounding, though she didn’t know why.
Suddenly she felt anxious. Hardly knowing what she was doing, but unable to stop herself, she ran after him.
‘Will—!’ she called, when she had almost caught up.
‘Can I change my mind?’ she panted, shielding her eyes from the sun.
‘Sorry?’
‘The job in Tuscany – can I change my mind?’
A slow smile spread across his features. ‘Of course. That’s brilliant!’
Kate smiled back at him and, as the wind whipped through her hair, tying it into knots, she felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her.
‘Give me a call when you get to Dublin,’ he said, then headed for the house.
As she watched his retreating back, Kate tried not to think too hard about why she suddenly felt so happy.