Chapter 7 #4
‘You know I can’t eat that,’ she snapped. ‘I’m allergic to wheat.’
‘You can’t just decide you’re allergic to something,’ Rory said irritably.
‘I’m in tune with my body,’ Tessa told him tetchily. ‘I know what agrees with me and what doesn’t. If I eat wheat I blow up like a balloon.’
‘I’d be interested to see that,’ Owen muttered to Georgie. ‘Maybe if we stuck a pin in her she’d disappear.’
‘I can’t eat dairy,’ Fawn announced to the table at large.
‘Oh, me either. I can’t eat wheat or dairy,’ Tessa trumped her. ‘I’ll just have some of that pasta.’
‘But—’ Kate began, as Tessa scooped one tube of cannelloni onto her plate.
‘Say nothing,’ Louise murmured. ‘She probably thinks pasta’s a vegetable.’
To her dismay, Kate noticed that hardly anyone was eating, despite the glorious feast laid out before them.
The blonde clones – who had been introduced as Bonnie and Kim, though she still wasn’t sure which was which – were just smoking and drinking, intermittently pushing bits of food around their plates.
At the far end of the table, Georgie was looking distressed as Summer tried to persuade her to eat.
‘Oh, she’s just attention-seeking!’ Tessa snapped irritably. ‘She’ll eat if she’s hungry.’ She knew that bitching up Georgie wasn’t going to endear her to anyone, but she couldn’t help it.
‘Lay off, Tessa,’ Rory said quietly.
‘Well, it’s not helping, the way you all fuss over her and pander to her foibles. You’re just feeding into her neuroses.’
‘Tessa.’ Rory’s voice was like thunder now.
Out of the corner of her eye, Kate saw Fawn waving frantically at her, trying to get her attention.
‘What’s her name?’ she asked one of the clones, who shrugged.
‘Excuse me, honey! Yes, you,’ she said, leaning over to catch Kate’s eye. ‘You’re the chef, right? Do you think you could make me a whites-only omelet?’ She smiled winningly.
‘Oh! Okay…’ Kate said uncertainly, taken aback. She made to get up, but Will put his hand over hers.
‘You’ll do no such thing,’ he said to her. ‘Kate isn’t starting work until tomorrow,’ he told Fawn.
For a second, the doe eyes flickered and Kate was treated to a glimpse of the harridan that lurked below the sweet facade.
‘You could eat the chicken,’ Tessa told Fawn consolingly.
Fawn regarded it suspiciously, but took a piece and put it on her plate, scraping off the tomato sauce fastidiously.
‘I bet it isn’t even organic,’ she complained.
‘So, you’re a chef?’ Simon said, turning to Kate. A paunchy, perma-tanned medallion man, Simon had the sleazy good looks of a playboy gone to seed. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen you on TV, have I?’
‘Oh no. I’ve never been on TV.’
‘Really? Not even Ready Steady Cook?’
‘No.’ Kate smiled apologetically, and Simon seemed to lose interest in her.
She noticed that Phoenix was very quiet, talking to Summer and Georgie in hushed tones, occasionally scribbling on his napkin and scraps of paper pulled from his pockets.
Tessa and Fawn, by contrast, were a nightmare, vying for everyone’s attention. Kate found it exhausting just to watch them. Tessa kept bringing the conversation back to her new reality show.
‘It’s not one of those awful things where you have to go to the jungle and eat worms, is it?’ Fawn asked.
‘Oh no. I don’t think I could do that, even for charity.
I mean, who knows how many calories are in one of those grubs?
I’d have to abandon my healthy-eating plan, and it means too much to me.
Not that I expect to last too long – I’m sure I’ll be the first to get voted off.
’ She smiled self-deprecatingly, but no one jumped in to contradict her.
‘Oh well, I’m sure no one we know will be watching it anyway,’ Fawn said sympathetically.
Gamely, Tessa didn’t let the smile slip. ‘Actually they’re expecting it to be the big hit of the summer. They’ve got a great line-up of celebs – not that I consider myself a celebrity, but that’s what they will insist on calling us.’
‘So, who else is there?’ Fawn asked.
‘Well, I’m not supposed to talk about it. It’s top secret until the first show.’ Tessa was obviously champing at the bit to divulge all and only needed a nudge to do so.
‘Oh, I won’t tell anyone,’ Fawn said airily. ‘No one I know watches reality TV.’
‘Well, just between ourselves, there’s Rosie Grant—’ Tessa began.
‘Who?’ Fawn interrupted cuttingly, screwing up her face.
‘Rosie Grant. She was the star of that TV series Double Decker. She was the bus driver.’
‘Was it a soap?’
‘No, a reality show about a double-decker bus. It followed the bus around for the day and filmed the driver, the passengers, all the funny little incidents that happened on the bus.’
‘So, basically, she is a bus driver.’ Fawn drawled derisively.
‘Yes, but a famous one.’
‘Who else?’
‘James Lewis.’
There was a chorus of ‘Who?’ from the entire table this time.
‘He used to be in that eighties group, The Dog Ate My Homework.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Rory said. ‘They had a number one, didn’t they? What was that song they used to sing?’
‘“The Dog Ate My Homework”,’ Tessa said. ‘It was the title of the song too.’
‘They obviously exhausted their creative talents thinking up the band’s name,’ Will remarked. ‘They were never seen again after that, were they?’
‘They had another single,’ Tessa said huffily.
‘I remember him now,’ Louise said. ‘He was kind of cool-looking – very flamboyant. He had gorgeous long black hair and wore loads of eyeliner.’
‘I think I met him in rehab,’ Phoenix chipped in. ‘He’s an interesting guy.’
‘No, not him,’ Tessa said crossly. ‘You’re thinking of the singer. James Lewis was the other one.’
‘Oh, I remember!’ Will exclaimed. ‘The one who stood at the back looking glum, fiddling with a synthesiser?’
‘Yes, him,’ Tessa said.
‘Okay, so far we’ve got a bus driver and the boring one from some eighties one-hit-wonder group,’ Fawn sneered.
‘Yeah, that’ll have everyone glued to their TV screens,’ Owen laughed.
‘Well, there’s also Vanessa King,’ Tessa announced, throwing discretion to the wind.
This name had the desired effect – she had everyone’s attention now.
Vanessa King was a TV presenter who had had a notorious affair with a Conservative MP.
Her kiss-and-tell revelations of kinky sex, misuse of party funds and abuse of political influence had resulted in him being forced to resign.
She was currently flavour of the month on talk shows.
‘I’m hoping we’ll be cellmates,’ Tessa went on.
‘I was offered a reality show in the States,’ Fawn drawled, ‘but I turned it down. They’re so tacky and make you look so desperate.’
‘Well, I would have turned this one down, but it’s for charity,’ Tessa said sweetly.
‘Oh, the one I was offered was for charity, too, but my agent said reality TV would be a really bad move for me – I just don’t need that kind of exposure.’
Simon was gazing at Fawn’s breasts as if he knew exactly the kind of exposure she needed and he’d be happy to help her get it.
‘Well, I’m not doing it for the exposure,’ Tessa said sanctimoniously. ‘I’m doing it for my charity.’
‘What charity are you giving it to if you win?’ Fawn asked, ready to pounce on whatever it was and tear it to shreds.
‘It was hard to decide. There are just so many good causes out there. But I’ve decided to give it to this group that supports women whose plastic surgery has gone wrong.’
‘Oh!’ Fawn gasped. ‘That’s a really good cause,’ she breathed, impressed despite herself.
‘But is it really a charity?’ Summer challenged. ‘Will they let you do that with the money if you win?’
‘Of course! Why not?’
‘Well, any number of reasons – AIDS, famine relief, orphans, refugees, homeless people.’
‘Oh yeah, all the so-called “sexy” charities,’ Tessa scoffed. ‘They get more than their fair share of money and publicity.’
‘I agree.’ Fawn nodded wisely. ‘I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against starving children – obviously – but please. That’s all you ever hear about, when there are these other charities and most people don’t even know they exist.’
‘Plus you know where the money’s going and that it’s not being siphoned off by some corrupt government,’ Tessa chimed in.
‘Right,’ Fawn agreed. ‘The starving in Africa must get billions every year in charity money. I mean, how can they still be starving, right?’ she said.
This was greeted with stunned silence, which Fawn took as evidence of her brilliant incisiveness.
‘Well, I hope you win, babes,’ she told Tessa supportively. ‘You deserve it.’
‘Oh, thanks.’ Tessa attempted a smile that was both modest and saintly.
‘No, you really do,’ Fawn insisted, even though Tessa hadn’t contradicted her. ‘Aw, I’m so proud of you, babes, I really am.’
‘Her parents weren’t kidding when they named her, were they?’ Kate whispered to Louise.
‘You’ve got terrific boobs, Kate,’ Simon said suddenly, looking down her top. ‘Let me guess – an F cup?’
‘Um, close – E.’ Kate blushed crimson as every eye focused on her chest.
‘I’m a bit of an expert,’ Simon said proudly, winking at her.
Glamour photography was Simon’s stock-in-trade.
Tessa had met him when she had stripped off for a lad magazine.
‘They’re real, too, aren’t they?’ he said, practically drooling.
‘It’s not every day you see real ones that size. Ever done any topless work?’
‘No.’ Kate laughed awkwardly. ‘There’s not much call for topless chefs.’
‘Pity.’ Simon was still peering down her top.
‘Still, if you ever want to change direction, I’m sure I could get you work.
We could even tie it in with the whole chef thing.
You could do a calendar – you know, a recipe for every month with a nice little piccie of you, maybe just wearing a little apron, or lying on a worktop with just a few carefully placed strawberries.
Nothing tacky,’ he assured her. ‘It’d be very tasteful. ’