Chapter 14
THREE MONTHS LATER
On the second Thursday in December, Kate made her way through the throng of late-night shoppers on Grafton Street.
A canopy of Christmas lights twinkled overhead, and every few yards carol singers were belting out old favourites, ‘Jingle Bells’ mingling with ‘Silent Night’, accompanied by the jangle of collection tins.
Shop windows sparkled in the darkness, decked out in sumptuous colours and rich fabrics, shining like beacons of warmth and luxury in the bitter cold.
Already laden with bags and chilled to the bone, Kate longed to go home, put on her Christmas pyjamas and curl up on the sofa, but she forced herself to press on.
She was way behind with her Christmas shopping, having only returned from her impromptu travels the previous week.
Determined to get one more present before she gave up, she took refuge in the warm, comforting cocoon of Brown Thomas.
She wandered aimlessly around the brightly lit opulence of the cosmetics hall, bewildered by the dizzying abundance of products spread out across the counters and the brightly wrapped gift boxes piled high on display stands.
Lingering by the Jo Malone counter, she tried out one perfume after another.
Recognising the scent Will used, she couldn’t resist spraying some onto her wrist and breathing in the citrus fragrance, which sent shivers of longing up her spine.
‘Are you looking for a gift?’ The sales assistant shook her out of her reverie.
‘Oh – yes.’
‘That one is gorgeous for men.’ She indicated the bottle Kate had just tried. ‘I always buy it for my boyfriend. It’s so sexy.’ She giggled conspiratorially.
‘Yes, it is.’
‘Is it for a boyfriend?’
‘Oh no.’ She was shocked to find herself fighting back tears. When was it going to stop feeling so raw? ‘Actually, I want something for my mum.’
‘Oh, well, this one is lovely and very popular…’
She only half listened as the girl went into her sales spiel.
She normally loved Christmas, but now she understood why some people dreaded it.
Everything about it seemed calculated to make her miss Will more intensely.
All the things she usually adored were robbed of their magic and sparkle, rendered futile because she wasn’t sharing them with him.
It was as if she had lost the sense of taste and her favourite foods were flavourless in her mouth.
Having paid for her purchases, she decided to call it a day and was on her way out the door when her mobile rang. It was Lorcan. ‘Hi, Kate. You doing anything tonight?’
‘No,’ she said warily, thinking longingly of the sofa.
‘Well, get your glad rags on and come over to the Shelbourne. We’re celebrating.’
‘Celebrating what?’
‘Carmen and I are getting married!’
‘What?’ She felt winded and leaned against the store window for support.
‘Well, don’t sound so enthusiastic,’ Lorcan laughed.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s great news, really, just a surprise. You haven’t known each other long.’
‘Et tu, Brute,’ Lorcan sighed tragically.
‘I’m not criticising, honestly – you know how much I like Carmen. Congratulations, I’m so pleased for you,’ she said, trying to inject a smile into her voice, but her face was anaesthetised. Thank God he couldn’t see her.
‘Thanks.’
She really was happy for him – so why did she feel like bursting into tears?
‘Come over whenever you’re ready. We’ll be in the Horseshoe Bar. And bring Freddie.’
As she walked home, weighed down with parcels and a heavy heart, Kate was still wrestling with the tears.
What the hell was wrong with her? Why did she feel so gutted by Lorcan’s news?
Why couldn’t she just be happy for him? Deep down, she knew.
It was because she was jealous – jealous that it wasn’t her.
It was just one more thing that conspired with the rest to make her feel lonely and left out.
Oh, snap out of it, she told herself crossly.
It’s not as if it’s you or them. There’s plenty to go around.
She was tired of feeling sad and hurt, and she didn’t want to become a bitter, dried-up old maid, envious and resentful of other people’s happiness.
As she passed Meetinghouse Square, a movie was playing on the big screen and she wandered in to have a look.
It was Meet Me in St Louis, and Judy Garland was singing ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’, her glorious voice as warm as toast in the chill night air.
There were seats dotted around the square in front of the screen, but not many people had braved the cold.
A few little groups of twos or threes were huddled together in the darkness, some sharing blankets.
Kate sank into a chair and dropped her bags, grateful for the rest. There was something so comforting about the cosy familiarity of a film she had seen many times before, and she watched, entranced, as Judy Garland tried to persuade Margaret O’Brien, as fat tears poured from her luminous eyes, that next year all their troubles would be miles away.
You’re not even convincing yourself, Judy, Kate thought, wiping away the tears that were now trickling down her own cheeks.
In the anonymity of the dark square, she allowed herself to sob to her heart’s content, deciding it would be cathartic.
If she indulged herself now and had a good howl, she might be able to act like something resembling a normal person at Lorcan’s celebration.
* * *
‘Looks like you did well,’ Freddie said, when she came in, indicating her shopping bags.
‘Not bad,’ Kate said, divesting herself of coat, scarf and gloves. ‘I’m still not half finished, though.’
‘You okay?’ he asked, as she sat on the sofa beside him.
‘Fine. God, it’s freezing out there,’ she said, blowing on her hands to warm them.
‘You look like you’ve been crying.’ Freddie eyed her suspiciously.
‘Oh, they were showing Meet Me in St Louis in the square and I stopped to watch. Gets me every time.’
‘Oh, me too. Why don’t you get into your jim-jams and we’ll veg out in front of the TV? Dinner will be mini crab tarts, devils on horseback, goujons of sole and mini quiches,’ Freddie announced, getting up. ‘I hereby declare canapé season well and truly open.’
Broke from buying presents and partying in the run-up to Christmas, Kate and Freddie traditionally survived on leftovers from Kate’s catering jobs, supplemented by ligging at as many drinks parties as they could get into.
‘We can’t do canapé night tonight,’ Kate said regretfully.
‘Oh, are you going out?’
‘Yes, and so are you. Lorcan wants us to go down to the Shelbourne for drinks and dinner.’ She paused, schooling her features. ‘He’s getting married,’ she said.
‘Married!’ Freddie sank onto the sofa again.
‘Mmm. He told me just now.’
‘You don’t seem very happy about it.’
‘Oh no, I am. It was just a surprise.’
Freddie was gazing at her sceptically.
‘I think it’s great,’ she protested. ‘Honestly. I’m happy for them.’
‘But?’ Freddie nudged.
‘But I’m sick of being happy for other people,’ she said. ‘I want to be happy for myself for a change. I want other people to be happy for me,’ she wailed.
‘I know,’ Freddie said, pulling her head onto his shoulder and ruffling her hair.
She smiled, grateful to him for not making her feel more ashamed of herself than she already was. ‘It just dredges up all those always-the-bridesmaid feelings. And there’s the wedding to freak out about, of course.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you know who’ll be best man.’
‘Oh Christ, of course! Shit!’ He thought for a moment. ‘Will he be there tonight?’
‘No. He’s still away on tour with Walking Wounded.’
‘Thank God for that. So, when are Lorcan and Carmen sashaying down the aisle?’
‘I was so stunned I didn’t think to ask.’
‘Well, look on the bright side. Carmen hasn’t said that she wants you to be bridesmaid.’
‘True,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself.’
‘No – if anyone should be feeling sorry for themselves, it’s me. Never the bridesmaid, never the bride!’ Freddie sighed tragically.
‘You know you’ll be bridesmaid at my wedding.’
‘Really?’ Freddie perked up.
‘Of course. But I wouldn’t get too excited about it, if I were you. At this rate, even you’ll be married before I am.’
* * *
The Horseshoe Bar was heaving when Kate and Freddie arrived. Lorcan waved at them and they fought their way to him through the crowds.
Everyone was there: Tom and Rachel, Conor and Helen, Grace and Jack, all surrounding the happy couple.
They seemed in high spirits, but Kate couldn’t help noticing that, with the exception of Lorcan and Carmen, they seemed rather uncomfortable when she joined them, their eyes sliding away after over-bright hellos. Even Rachel looked ashamed.
Oblivious of the atmosphere, Lorcan jumped up to greet her and Freddie.
‘Congratulations!’ Kate threw her arms around him.
‘Thanks.’ He grinned down at her, so happy that all Kate’s gloom melted away.
As he moved towards Freddie, she turned to Carmen, who looked lit from within. ‘Congratulations!’ She hugged her. ‘I’m really pleased for you.’
She and Freddie sat on the seats Lorcan had somehow managed to save, and he poured some champagne from one of the bottles that nestled in an ice bucket beside him.
‘So, when’s the wedding?’ she asked Lorcan, as Freddie cooed over Carmen’s ring.
‘New Year’s Eve.’ Lorcan grinned.
‘Oh my God!’ Kate gasped. ‘So soon!’
‘Not soon enough,’ he said, glancing adoringly at Carmen. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to wait that long.’
‘But don’t you have to give notice?’
‘All done. Actually, we started planning ages ago. We just decided not to make it public until the last minute. We didn’t want people telling us we were crazy because it was so soon. You know how people can interfere.’
‘Yes.’ Kate sighed. ‘I do.’
He cleared his throat, suddenly awkward. ‘Will’s going to be best man,’ he said, warily.