CHAPTER NINE | Penn
CHAPTER NINE
Penn
“Isaid I wanted to move to New York, not leave you. I was trying to tell you what I saw for my future. A future I intended for you to be a part of. But you just heard what you wanted to hear, that I was choosing dance over you. You didn’t stop long enough to consider that maybe I wanted you to come to New York with me. ”
London’s words repeat in my head for the hundredth time since she said them two days ago. Despite the fact that I’ve been extremely busy dealing with all the shit that keeps breaking, that’s all I’ve been able to focus on.
Her words.
The way she looked at me.
The tears she tried so hard to keep from spilling over at my cruelness.
I didn’t mean it.
Okay, so that’s not entirely true. I did mean it. But that still doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could take it back. Even after all these years, I still can’t stand the sight of her upset. It pisses me off that she still has that kind of power over me.
“You okay, honey?” My mom’s voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I glance up to see three sets of eyes pinned on me.
“Yeah, why?”
“Maybe because we were having a conversation and then you got super quiet and started staring off into space.” My youngest brother Walker cocks his head at me from across the table, looking so much like our mother it’s uncanny.
Well, except for his physique. Mom is tiny but mighty. Walker looks like he juices daily, and his entire personality is the gym. Which is probably true, given how ripped he is. But he has her soft blue eyes, her dirty-blond hair, and her dimples—matching ones on both cheeks.
Alec and I both take after our dad. Dark hair. Hazel eyes. Similar builds. Though our dad was broader, like Walker, without the huge muscles, of course.
“Sorry. There’s so much going on at work. I guess my mind’s a little preoccupied.” It’s not a lie, just not the whole truth either.
“Anything we can help with?” my mom asks in that concerned way of hers.
“No, it’s nothing. Just busy.” I force a smile that I hope she doesn’t see through.
“Wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that London is your new bookkeeper, would it?” Walker goads me, a knowing smirk on his face.
“Shit, dude!” Alec, who’s sitting next to him, smacks his shoulder. “I told you not to say anything.”
“Language,” my mom scolds, her attention honing in on me. “London’s back?” In a town as small as Wren Cove, it’s a wonder she hasn’t heard of this before now, though since my dad died, my mom doesn’t get out of the house much.
“She is.” I nod, trying to keep my expression neutral.
When I agreed to Sunday Brunch, this isn’t exactly the topic of conversation I was anticipating. If I knew it was, I would have politely declined the invitation.
“You didn’t even tell Mom?” Walker barks out a laugh. “Oh, that’s rich.”
“What the hell is your problem?” I snap at my little brother, who seems to find a lot of satisfaction in my discomfort.
“Me? I have no problems. From what Alec tells me, you, on the other hand, have enough problems for all of us.”
“Well, Alec needs to learn how to keep his damn mouth shut,” I say through gritted teeth, narrowing my gaze on the brother, who’s actually supposed to have my back.
Walker is a spoiled brat. I’m used to him kicking me when I’m down. Alec, though, I expected better.
“It’s not like it’s some big secret.” Alec shrugs. “They were going to find out eventually.”
“Would someone please explain to me what’s going on?” my mom interjects.
“Didn’t realize you were such a gossip.” I keep going like my mother didn’t even speak.
“Didn’t realize you were such a sensitive baby,” Alec retorts.
“What the hell is your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem. You’re the one being an asshole to everyone.”
“Language.” I vaguely hear my mother say.
“How am I being an asshole?”
“Sitting over there brooding like a teenage girl.”
“I’m not brooding.”
“Says the man who about had an aneurysm when he walked in on me and LV hugging. Hugging, Penn.”
“So that’s what this is about? Me being irritated that my brother is consorting with the enemy.”
“She’s not the enemy!” He slaps the table. “She’s just a lost girl trying to find her way, and you’re treating her like she killed your cat and took a dump in your Cheerios.”
“Took a dump in your Cheerios...” Walker clamps a hand over his mouth to contain his outburst of laughter.
I shoot him a glare before my attention quickly returns to Alec.
“How I treat London is none of your business.”
“Only it is, because you weren’t the only one she left. If I can forgive her, so can you.”
“That’s not the same thing and you know it. You were a stupid kid that we felt obligated to let tag along.”
“Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” His nostrils flare in anger.
“Oh, I’m about to...” I warn.
“That’s enough.” This time, when my mother cuts in, she does so in a way that leaves no room for argument, and we all snap to attention like we’re still little kids, knowing we’ve pushed her too far.
“I asked you all here so that we could enjoy a meal together. Not so you could bicker like children.” She looks at each of us individually with a pointed look. “Your father would be ashamed.”
And just like that, our petty argument is long forgotten as a quiet disappointment falls over the table.
“Sorry, Mom.” Walker is the first to speak.
“Yeah, sorry, Mom.” Alec is the next to apologize.
All eyes land on me and despite the irrational anger still boiling in my veins, I finally concede.
“I apologize.” I tip my head slightly.
“Now, without acting like a bunch of hooligans who weren’t raised properly, would someone please explain to me what is going on here?”
“London’s back in town. Patty at the agency hired her to be Penn’s temporary bookkeeper while Janet is on maternity leave.
Seems she has a real ripe sense of humor, that one.
Alec has been playing nice, maybe a little too nice for Penn’s liking.
While this one”—Walker looks directly at me—“seems determined to smear her off the bottom of his shoe like dog shi—poop”—he quickly corrects to avoid any more of our mother’s wrath—“that he accidently stepped in. Does that about cover it?” He looks at Alec for confirmation.
“I’m not being too nice. I’m just not torturing her for the sake of making myself feel better,” Alec retorts.
“I’m not doing it to make myself feel better. Nothing but her leaving again could do that. I’m just trying to get through each day without losing my damn mind,” I say as calmly as I can muster. “If you were any kind of brother, you would be trying to make things easier on me, not harder.”
“If you were any kind of man, you’d take the high road and stop torturing the poor girl.”
“I am not torturing her.”
“Really? Should we consult Cat about this?”
“What does Cat have to do with anything?” I fire back. “I don’t know what London told you...”
“It wasn’t London who told me anything. It was Cat who was retelling the whole thing in joyous celebration to a group of vipers at the bar last night.”
Well, that explains a lot.
“Retelling what?” My mom doesn’t try to hide her confusion.
“Nothing,” me and Alec say in unison.
We may not be exactly thrilled with each other at the current moment, but not even then would Alec out my extracurricular activities to our mother. That’s brother code and none of us would ever break it.
“Honey, I know how badly London leaving devastated you, but if I find out that you’re hurting that poor girl on purpose to punish her, I will have something to say about it. You were raised better than that.”
“I’m not hurting her on purpose. If she’s hurt, that’s on her. All I’m doing is trying to endure. Trust me, I could be a lot worse to her if I wanted to be.”
“Your father and I always taught you to treat everyone with kindness and respect, even people who don’t give you the same courtesy.”
“I know, Mom. Trust me, I’m trying my best.”
“If this is your best, I hate to see your worst,” Alec grumbles to Walker, who snickers like he’s really enjoying watching me flounder.
“Are you about done?” I pin Alec with a glare.
“Are you? I’m not trying to be an ass, brother. I’m trying to make you see the error of your ways.”
“And what are my errors, exactly, little brother? Please do tell. I’m all ears.”
“You’re so convinced you know the whole story, when in truth, you know very little.”
“And you know so much?”
“More than you. Because, unlike you, I choose to listen. Everyone has a side, brother. You’d be ignorant to assume yours is the only one that matters.”
I consider his words, knowing he’s not wrong.
What London said about me letting her leave smacks me in the face all over again.
Would she really have stayed if I had asked?
Would she have asked me to come with her if I had gotten out of my own way and told her how I really felt instead of rolling over and accepting defeat?
No... I don’t know what delusional world she’s living in, but she made herself clear—she was leaving and it didn’t matter what I said or did. Nothing was going to change that.
“I’ll be nicer to London. There, will that make all of you happy?” I finally say after the silence stretches longer than I’d like.
“It’s not us we’re worried about.” Alec gives me a look I know all too well. The one that says, are you ready to stop being a stubborn a-hole now and actually listen.
I’m not oblivious to my mood since London’s return.
I know I’ve been unbearable. I don’t mean to be, truly.
It’s just... Every time I look at her, I can’t see past what she did to me.
How she left me. How I lived in a black hole for nearly two years because of it.
How I missed out on some precious last years of my father’s life wallowing in my own self-pity because of her.
I hate her. I hate the ground she walks on. I hate the air she breathes. But more than anything, I hate how I don’t actually hate her at all.
If you loved me enough, it wouldn’t have even been a question. You would have done everything in your power to hold onto me. You didn’t. So while you may have convinced yourself that I’m the one who broke your heart, maybe you should take a moment and ask yourself why you didn’t ask me to stay.
So what if she made herself clear...
Why didn’t I ask her to say?
Why didn’t I fight for her?
Have I spent the last seven years blaming the wrong person?
Could I have prevented all of this?
My stomach sours at the thought, and I’m quick to push it away.
“I appreciate your concern,” I say directly to Alec. “I will try to do better. And I will talk to Cat as well.”
It kills me to be the bigger person when all I really want to do is dig in my heels and continue to deny any fault in the current predicament I find myself in, but not even I can convince myself that I’m free of at least some guilt.
An awkward silence falls over the table.
“So.” Mom clears her throat. “How much longer will London be working for you?”
“You mean, if she comes back at all.” Alec can’t stop himself from chiming back in.
“Why wouldn’t she come back?”
“She’ll be with us eight more weeks at most. I expect Janet to want to come back sooner rather than later, especially since I’ve already told her she can bring the baby to work with her.”
“You think that’s a good idea?”
“She spends most days in the office. There’s plenty of room for a swing or playpen or whatever she needs. I don’t see why it would be an issue.”
“Except that a screaming infant isn’t exactly conducive to being able to get work done,” Walker interjects.
“She’ll make do. I’m not worried about that.”
“I was talking about you.” He clarifies.
“Don’t worry, he’s already getting tons of practice with staying out of the office,” Alec chimes in, smiling at me so I know he’s just busting my balls.
“If you like, I can move my office to your boat. Keep you company,” I warn.
“Come on aboard, brother. Though I doubt the boys will give you a moment’s peace.”
“On second thought...” I grin, the earlier tension melting away.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Alec laughs and it’s as if all is forgotten.
That’s how it is with brothers. One minute, you’re at each other’s throats; the next, you’re laughing and cutting it up like nothing happened.
If only dealing with London Voss could be so simple...