17. Leela
LEELA
Leela didn’t sleep for days as the Gilded Thorns traveled over the dunes. She couldn’t sleep. Not properly. She barely spoke to the Viperess too. She was mad. Mad at the situation. Mad at the Viperess. Mad at herself.
She swung the godsblade through the air and smashed it down onto Hema’s.
“Good,” Hema said, shoving her back. “Again.”
Leela furled her lip and swung again, her arms bearing down.
All her anger was on the edge of her sword, and she wasn’t ready to lay it off.
She wasn’t ready to give in to the Viperess or let the Flame control her again.
She supposed the Viperess had waited until it was just her and Rajesh.
Until she knew the layout of the ship and how Leela really felt about Rajesh before she snuck out and got a blade to kill him.
“Whoa,” Hema said, stumbling back.
The onslaught of thoughts blocked out Hema’s discernible cry. Leela kept swinging and swinging… and swinging.
“Leela!”
Hema’s word reverberated, and she finally stopped. Leela grabbed her chest, heart beating wildly. She looked at Hema cowering against the edge of the training field.
“I’m sorry,” Leela said, her weapon clattering to the floor. “I… I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s okay.” Hema hesitantly picked up Leela’s weapon. “You’re getting better at least, especially with the thrusting and movements.”
Leela took the hilt of the godsblade and studied it. Ever since the night when the Viperess took over her body, she’d been too scared to go near Rajesh. What if she killed him? She had slashed his throat. Or at least tried to. It scared her more knowing the Viperess was stronger than her.
Hema cleared her throat. “Training takes time. Heck, it took me three years of just basic weapon training and then more to work with my Fox. You will get there.”
“I know,” Leela said. “I just…”
Her thoughts were a mess. Her body taking the brunt of the impending thoughts, feeling her muscles weaken and a headache form at the base of her skull.
You’re useless.
You’ll never be able to harness her.
She’ll kill him.
“I’m sorry, I can’t today.” Leela’s emotions were boiling over. She glanced at the sky and bit her lip, noticing the waning moons. Her body was right on time.
Her thoughts were beginning to spiral. She needed to be away from people, otherwise she’d be more of a monster than a friend. And she was already one of those.
A cramp rode on her pelvis, and she slumped forward. She grabbed her hips and groaned, her mind overcome with a swarm of emotions. Happy. Sad. Happy… Sad….
“Thank you,” Leela told Hema. She put the weapon back on the shelf. “But I need space today.”
Before Hema could protest, Leela ran back to her room and shut the door, clutching at her pelvis as the pain continued to drill deeper. With every throb, her mind swelled with more and more words of hate.
Worthless.
Pointless.
Look at you! Can’t even hold a sword.
You expect this to help…?
Worthless.
The Viperess stirred. Why are you thinking these things? What is happening?
Leela groaned. You. You are what is happening!
You do not need to snap at me. I am merely concerned, the Viperess muttered.
White dots flashed across Leela’s vision.
Fuck the Viperess. Fuck her for being inside her and causing her to lose her mind.
Fuck her for adding to the too-many voices, screaming about how worthless and shitty she could be.
This time of the month was the worst—the week before her menstruation, when the all-too-powerful thoughts pulled her under.
The mood swings. The pain that took her spinning, over and over again, like a ship she couldn’t get off of.
The thoughts were the worst, the way they twisted their thorns in and sank, until they were pruned, and Leela could feel like herself again.
Leela curled up into a ball on the ground and put her hands over her ears.
She rocked, back and forth, back and forth, trying to quiet the voices.
Still, things slowly slipped out of control—her mind and her emotions, slow at first, then baaang.
She had no way to rein them in. All because her hormones were messed up.
All because her body couldn’t control the chemicals in her brain.
What is wrong, mortal?
I can’t talk. Please… just leave me… this will take a while.
What will take a while?
The feelings. The darkness. It disappears eventually, but I don’t need you here. Not now.
Leela stayed cooped up in her room for most of the day. Eventually, she made her way to her bed and lay under the covers. It was better to not let others see her. Why would she subject her horrible mood to innocent bystanders?
It would only make her feel more worthless and tainted.
Shittier than she wanted.
So Leela stayed cooped up for days, hiding away from those she could hurt, only sneaking out to get food when the others were asleep.
She was already hurting in body and mind.
Her thoughts were jumbled, like sticky mud, and she wasn’t able to pull them apart or even get rid of the gnawing voice.
The voice that drew on her darkest imperfections and made her think she was worthless.
It was the pain of knowing she was useless when the emotions came.
When her mother would evade her. When her mother would say it was all in her head and her thoughts weren’t true—that they were dangerous lies filling her with poison.
In a way, she was right. But the dismissive attitude pushed Leela to the point where she believed nothing was wrong with her.
It was the worst feeling—having her brain playing against her and controlling her.
Not knowing how to stop it other than letting the time pass.
All Leela could do was curl into a ball and cry.
For days.
And days…
Trapped inside her head like a curse. It was very lonely dealing with it this way. But deal with it she must. Because it always passed. It did. And she told herself the thoughts were lies, and they never had weight.
But how could she think of them that way when the thoughts were disguised as her own voice?
No one can stand you.
Don’t you hate it here…?
Maybe it would be best to be trapped in here forever.
She waited for her menses to come, and finally, her mind eased like a shadow was lifted.
She broke free of the sticky mess holding her in its claws and filter the poison.
Her emotions leveled out, her mind free from the dark clutches.
Negative thoughts no longer plagued her.
Yet her body still ached, her pelvis more than the rest. But the inflammation eventually subsided, and she was able to get out of bed without the thought of throwing herself off the side of the ship.
She was able to peel back the layers of dread and wanted to associate with others again.
Leela looked at the ceiling, tears still brimming in her eyes, and chuckled. It was too ironic that for years, her body had been her biggest weakness, and now she had a Flame controlling her in more ways than the chemicals in her brain did.
Oh… the irony of the poisonous monster in her head, mimicking the poisonous thoughts too.
Leela clutched the ship’s edge and stared at the horizon on the fifth morning.
The further they ventured, the warmer the air swirling over the dunes.
Ripples of ridges and mountains spread before her in red shadows, aglow each morning underneath the pale moonslight before it disappeared.
Every now and again, Leela was lucky enough to see the giant bones sticking out of the ground.
Arched ribcages or smooth skulls with giant eyeholes staring back at her.
Fingers split the sand as the dead Flames grasped the ground.
Most of the bones were stained red or buried below ground. But sometimes she would spot them in the distance. A constant reminder of what the Flames had lost to destroy the monsters.
“I haven’t seen you around,” Hema said. “I knocked on your door a few times, but you didn’t seem to be there. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Leela said, refusing to look at Hema.
She didn’t want to talk to anyone about how her body worked.
Most people didn’t believe her. Others just sat there and judged her, and that made her all the more panicked about it.
It was one thing to have a hormonal condition.
It was another to have to be in an unsupportive society when it occurred and have no escape.
“Are you sure? I’m happy to sit and listen,” Hema offered.
Leela gazed at the woman, the tiny black flecks in her eyes looking like constellations against the dark brown.
She liked Hema. Leela might admit she was beautiful, and under different circumstances, she might have wondered if Hema would be interested in something more.
But she didn’t have time to mess around with anyone, not when her head was a mess with Rajesh, the Viperess, and the Scorpion.
“Thanks.” Leela sighed and forced a smile. “But I’m okay. Really.”
“If you want to pick up where we left off, just let me know,” Hema said, nibbling on her bottom lip. “I wanted to be a teacher before I became a Vessel, you know. So I was really excited when Rajesh told me to personally train you.”
“You’re very welcome.”
“Anyway, I’m going to get something to eat. Do you want some food?”
“I’m okay, thank you.” Leela hadn’t had much of an appetite for the last week, and she was almost too scared to eat now. “You go on ahead.”
Hema smiled and then walked away.