Chapter Sixteen
Sunday afternoons were quiet. The farmhouse was almost silent, except for the tiny snores coming from the loveseat where Spider had fallen asleep ten minutes before. Eventually, Saya laid aside her book and went to the boy, gathered his limp form and carried him up to his supposedly temporary bedroom. The set-up was starting to look permanent.
The guys were outside working on the truck, and once in a while she could hear them laughing or bullshitting loudly through the thin panes of the ancient windows. A cow lowed in the distance and, for a moment, she felt as if she’d accidentally stepped into an alternate universe, where she was a farm wife with a homestead and family to take care of. The scent of the shampoo she used to wash Spider’s hair drifted up to her, mixing with the little kid smell that was impossible to explain to people who didn’t get it. It made her yearn to have a million babies.
She tucked him in with his favorite stuffies, pleased that neither Ramsay nor Mack seemed inclined to try to shame him out of having the toys. Some dads, she’d heard from the playgroup moms, were bound and determined that soft toys made boys into sissies. There was none of that talk around their house.
Theirs.
Like this was permanent and they’d all go on living like the Brady Bunch commune after the court stuff was settled. Saya squeezed her eyes closed, willing back tears. If Bronwyn took Spider away, it would tear her heart out. She couldn’t lose him – couldn’t go back to not being a mother. His mother. The anxiety rolled into a ball in her chest, as she kissed the child’s forehead and whispered love in his ear.
Downstairs, Winter was still reading, but put it open and face down on the arm of the couch.
“He didn’t wake up?”
“No. I think the guys got him all tired out throwing the ball around with him. I can’t believe I had to tell them to go outside. They start horsing around and seem to forget what the rules are.”
Winter snorted. “They’re not much more mature than Spider is. They just pretended they were mature long enough to pick up chicks.”
Saya folded herself next to Winter and the woman pulled her close and nuzzled her cheek. As much as she wanted to, it wasn’t time to relax into her and snuggle. They had to talk.
“I guess kids change things.” Her heart sped up. The subject hadn’t been broached, although it seemed foremost in everyone’s mind.
“Yeah.”
A sick feeling twisted inside her. She’d have to be more direct, but she hated being direct.
She steeled herself and plunged on. “Winter, if she takes him away it’s going to kill me. I can’t let her –” She swallowed hard.
The silence that fell was tense.
“What do you mean?” Winter’s voice was tight, but whether it was from stress or anger was impossible to tell.
Saya rushed on. “You know how I feel about you. I don’t want things to end between us, but I want to be a mother – not in a million years when we’re rich and famous. Now. If she wants to take him, I’m going to do everything I can to fight her.” The last few words struggled to get out.
“So you’re saying that what I want for my life is irrelevant to you.”
“No! I care about what you want. Of course I do!” The stupid tears started to blur her vision and she wiped them away impatiently. She didn’t want Winter to think this was a guilt trip. It was just a fact. “I love you and Mack. Ramsay and I will be heartbroken if you guys split up with us, but Spider is our little boy now, and I won’t give him up to keep you.”
“Fuck.” Winter was on her feet and pacing the living room. “I fucking knew it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“What do you want me to do? Choose you and kick him out the door? He’s my son. If it came down to it right now, I think I’d choose him over Ramsay!”
Winter rolled her eyes. “I was willing to leave this situation to chance and decide what to do once the chips fell, but now I’m getting the impression that even if she takes him away, you’re going to insist on having a baby as soon as possible.”
“That’s not true!”
“Your fucking clock is ticking so loud that I can hear it from here!” The bitter words came with a matching scowl. “This isn’t what I wanted out of life. I want music and sex and no big responsibilities outside of work. I’m too fucking selfish to raise a kid!”
“I sub to Ramsay, and you, and even Mack, but there are some things in my life that I care about too much to leave to other people.” She struggled to keep her voice even, although a buzzing hysteria was making her so tense she thought she would burst. “If we send him away to child services, he’ll go into a foster home. Then in a few years, if he’s lucky and not too damaged by being abandoned again, some family might adopt him. Maybe. He’s a boy and he’s almost school aged. Most adoptive families want babies or little girls, the social workers told me. I can’t live with the idea of him growing up unwanted in some stupid fucking group home – aging out – all because he wasn’t part of our plan. He’s not a vague idea about having kids down the road, he’s a little boy who needs me here and now. All the time he’s been with us, and you don’t care about him even a little? You’d drop him off at child services and not look back?”
Winter frowned hard and scrubbed a hand over her eyes. “Oh, please. This isn’t like whether or not I’m a cat person. He’s a human being, and he deserves to live with people who want him around.”
“Answer the question. Could you just walk away when you know he’ll be crying and wondering what he did wrong? He would never understand.”
For a moment Winter stared hard at the ceiling and her face got blotchy. She swallowed hard enough to see. “Fine. I get that you can’t do that to him. You’re a better person than I am. I never would have agreed to babysit in the first place. He’s a good kid, Saya, but this whole thing isn’t for me. I warned you about my limits,” she finished lamely.
Saya lost control of the tears and they spilled down her face. She ignored them. “You have a choice, Winter. Walk away if you want to.”
She strode from the room, leaving Winter looking torn and hurt. This argument was going nowhere. Her position was clear and Winter could take it or leave it. She wasn’t going to do the same thing Spider’s first mother had done, by choosing an affair over her own kid. Fuck that.
Determined to look strong, she marched up the stairs, only stumbling once. Hoping to God that when she came back down later their shit wouldn’t be packed and next to the door.
*
Although they’d told her a million times that she looked lovely, she stroked a hand at her skirt, so different than the ones she wore on stage. The room was on the small side, and smelled like a library without having the added attraction of books. Instead, there was a dour man in robes sitting behind a raised desk. Who knew that courtrooms looked the same in real life as they did in movies?
Her fingers twisted nervously in her lap, and Master put a comforting hand on her knee. Behind them, she could almost feel the absence of Winter and Mack.
After the huge confrontation she’d had with Winter, she’d known the end was coming. Their bags, however, hadn’t been at the door afterward. It was like the discussion had never happened.
Instead of being gone from their lives, Mack and Winter were sitting in the hallway with Spider, keeping him busy while a stranger decided his fate.
Thank goodness they were done with all of the social workers. So many interviews. So much paperwork. Spider would have counselling for a while yet, though, if she had anything to say about it. He had a lot of nightmares about bad things happening to Alexandra, the cat he used to have.
At the other desk, Bronwyn sat with her lawyer, avoiding eye contact. In the hall, she’d said hello to Spider, but after an awkward hug, he’d bolted into his Uncle Ramsay’s arms. What had she expected? She hadn’t even called in months.
Honestly, Saya wanted to claw Bronwyn’s eyes out, but she was family.
All of the talking and rigmarole between Bronwyn’s lawyer and the judge was giving Saya a headache. They were just there to sign papers – couldn’t they just do it fast before something happened and Bronwyn changed her mind?
After some legalese was thrown back and forth, a break was called and they went out to check on Spider while Bron went to walk with her lawyer to discuss something. She was backing out, Saya knew it. A knot had formed under her ribs and it was all she could do not to grab Spider up and hug him tight. Tears threatened. He didn’t need to see that.
“I’m going to the restroom. Stay with Uncle Mack, okay, buddy?
“Do you want me to come?” Winter rose, looking worried.
“No, no. I just need a minute.” She squeezed her hand and walked briskly down the hall and around the corner, looking for a ladies’ sign.
When she finally found it, she ducked inside, rifling through her handbag for a tissue. One appeared under her nose, attached to long, elegant fingers.
She accepted gratefully and looked up to find herself staring at Bronwyn. She was like Master’s female clone. Tall, but thin where Master was stocky. She could well have been a supermodel. With naturally blond hair, strong bone structure, and an imposing demeanor, it wasn’t hard to see how she did so well in business. It was difficult to believe she’d been a groupie more than a business woman only five years before. Master said she was a like a completely different person now. This was the kind of woman who called her kid Chet or some other rich kid name, not Spider. If this kind of woman ever lost focus long enough to breed.
“You love him, don’t you?” Bronwyn’s voice was cold.
“Who? Ma– Ramsay? Yes, of course!”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t care how you feel about my brother. I’m talking about my son. You’ve had him for six months and you haven’t left Ramsay yet, so I’m assuming you’re into this mothering thing.”
What could she say? If she came off too strong, Bronwyn could still pull the rug out from under their feet and take the boy back.
For that matter, the judge could decide they were unfit and give him to the State.
“Yes, I love him very much. He’s an awesome little guy. You’ve done a good job with him.”
Bronwyn’s derisive snort showed Saya that the cultured veneer only went so deep. “I’m a terrible mother, Saya. I pawned him off as much as the daycare would let me, and I’d pretend to work all sorts of extra hours. Having him seemed romantic when Jeremy was spending time with me, but when I got fat and he moved on to the next girl, I realized I’d made a mistake. It was too late by then.” She shrugged. “I know you think I’m a bitch but your opinion doesn’t mean shit to me. My only concern is that Spider gets the family he should have had, instead of a mother who’d rather do the career thing and not come home to laundry and a snotty nose.”
“Mothering isn’t for everyone. A lot of people don’t want kids.” She thought of Winter and the knot in her chest tightened again. If they were lucky enough to sign papers today, there was no saying what Winter would do. She kept hoping she’d come around, but her interest in Spider was vague, at best. “At least you figured it out.”
“Fat lot of good that does the kid. My boss and I are dating, and I’ve been having fun seeing Europe with him while we’ve been making deals over there, you know? It’s like being able to start over. Charles isn’t interested in being a step-father though. Spider is a deal-breaker for him.”
Deal-breaker. The exact same words Winter had used so many times. “So the kid you got saddled with is standing between you and what you want.”
Bronwyn winced. “That sounds a lot worse than the way it sounds in my head. For me, this is giving him a chance to have a real family, with kid-centered holidays and trips to the museum and the park. You seem like the motherly type.” She looked Saya up and down, and suddenly she felt frumpy beside the couture suit and coiffed hair Bronwyn wore like she’d been born to it.
People could only look down their noses at you if you let them.
“I’m not ashamed of being motherly.” She stood straighter, owning how she looked in the blouse and skirt she’d bought new at Target last week. Her life wasn’t fancy, but she wouldn’t trade what she had with Bronwyn’s power lunches and expensive hotels. “Ramsay and I love Spider very much. I don’t even know how to tell you. His fingerpaintings, his crazy stories, pushing him on the swings, tucking him in, the way he looks at me when I volunteer at the preschool or pick him up – I don’t know how I lived without him.” The tears started again, and Bronwyn’s expression softened.
She held up her hands in a warding gesture. “Okay, okay. I get it. None of those things have ever done anything much for me, and I doubt I ever pushed him on a swing. If I have I’ve never gotten that sappy look on my face when I did it.” She smiled sadly. “I wish I felt that way, but I just don’t.”
“Maybe you had postpartum and never bonded?”
“Maybe,” Bronwyn said, her voice quiet. “It doesn’t matter at this point. I’m glad he’s got you now. He’s a good kid. He deserves better than me.”
The pain there was hard for Saya to see. Her heart ached for this woman who’d borne the child she loved, and who looked so much like Ramsay. Without meaning to, she reached out and touched Bronwyn’s hand.
The woman pulled her into a hard hug, clinging to her for a moment as though she were drowning.
“I don’t judge you for this, Bronwyn, except to say that I think you’re brave for doing what’s best for him, even though it’s hard. We respect you and love you. You’re always welcome in our home if you want to come for visits.”
Bronwyn straightened and walked to the mirror, then dabbed irritably at her mascara. “I can do this. It’s best for Spider,” she said to her reflection. “Then everyone will be happy.”
Guilt and anxiety hovered around the cautious optimism that Bronwyn would sign the paperwork. It had to be unbelievably difficult for Bronwyn to do this, even if parenting didn’t come naturally to her. It was so permanent, but permanence was what Spider needed, more than anything. Now she’d have to work hard to make sure that she and Ramsay deserved him.
Did people who had babies by birth feel like this? Did they look into the faces of the children who came into their lives and feel like maybe they just weren’t good enough people to raise them? Was that the secret to being a good parent, though, like any other love relationship? Taking people for granted was always trouble.
Bronwyn turned, nodded to her then looped an arm through hers. They walked back to the courtroom together.
Saya managed to hold it together until she and Ramsay tucked their son into bed that night, knowing that he was theirs forever.
*
Someone was touching her. The bed was warm, and her limbs felt weighed down. So tired. Warm breath stirred the hair by her ear. She squirmed, half horny and half hoping whoever it was would change their mind and leave her alone. A hand slipped into the waistband of her flannel PJ bottoms and crept downward, dragging the pants with it.
“Nooo,” she whined, her voice barely audible over the sound of his breathing. Who’d been on that side of her when she’d fallen asleep?
Master. Winter was on her other side, and was still partially twined around her.
“Mmm...yes,” he murmured back. “Quiet now.”
“But why? I was sleeping,” Saya said, her voice quiet and plaintive. She wriggled and realized he was spooned up against her and his hard-on was pressing along the dip of her ass. A finger rubbed impatiently at her clit then worked into her pussy. She kicked his shin with her heel, but he just chuckled.
“Mine.”
Heat rushed through her and she pressed her ass back against him, the conditioning too strong to resist, even though she just wanted to go back to sleep.
She sighed in exasperation.
“I woke up hard. Are you trying to say I can’t? Do you think I should be like the guys at the garage, always complaining I can’t get any?” Master’s growl paired with the finger moving inside her made the hair on the back of her neck stand up, and she shivered.
“No, Master,” she groveled in a small voice.
“Anytime I want you, your answer is supposed to be what?”
“Yes, Master?”
“Just because you’re a mother now, doesn’t mean this stops. Understood?” He withdrew his finger and smeared the wetness around her entrance.
Saya’s heart fluttered. “Yes, Master.”
He pulled her ass backward until she was angled the way he wanted then drove his cock into her in one stroke. Saya’s body rebelled, her insides burned. She wasn’t ready. Master took her anyway. Gripping her hip, he plunged into her over and over until her body welcomed his, begging for more. He stilled, then thrust hard and grunted into her ear. Inside her, his cock twitched, filling her with his seed.
“Nooo!” she whimpered. No, no, no! She wasn’t done!
The bite at her neck was unexpected, and made her squeak.
“Mine.”
Master withdrew from her and yanked the back of her pants back up. He settled an arm around her and settled for sleep, his hand firmly gripping one of her breasts.
She made a sound of frustration and ground back against Master, hoping to convince him to get her off.
“Shh. You’re going to wake up Winter and Mack. Be good or you’ll get a spanking.” Two minutes later, while she was still trying to figure out if maybe she wanted a spanking, he started snoring.
Saya lay snug in his arms, burning and sore, feeling like the luckiest, most frustrated slave in the world.
*
Their foreheads were pressed together. They were so intent on each other, that neither heard her enter. She thought of going back upstairs, but after months of watching Winter rebuff most of Spider’s attempts to bond, this was shocking. Saya watched from the shelter of the dark hallway.
“So even though I broke the bowl, Mommy won’t give me away?”
“No, sweetie. Even if you broke everything in our house we wouldn’t give you away.”
“Not even you?” he whispered.
“Not even me,” Winter whispered back. “But don’t tell anyone, okay?”
Saya’s heart leapt. Did this mean that Winter wouldn’t leave any of them? She wanted to rush into the room and hug Winter with all of the relief she felt, but this was no time to interrupt them.
Spider’s spindly arms snuck around Winter’s neck and she sat back, pulling him into her lap. They sat together quietly for a few minutes, then Winter coaxed him up. She sat him on the couch while she got the broom and dustpan, ordering him to stay put so he didn’t cut his feet. He watched her, his face pinched and anxious. When the mess was tidied, she turned back and noticed his expression.
“You’re a good boy, Spider. Everyone breaks things sometimes.” She chucked him under the chin.
“I love you too, Winter. Even if you don’t say it. Daddy told me that the word ‘love’ gives you the creeps.”
“That’s true, but you’re a creepy kid, so I’m allowed to love you.”