Chapter 13
chapter thirteen
Busy
After everyone has eaten, we bring out Junie’s birthday cupcakes and sing to her. She claps and laughs, and then we stick a big candle with the number two on it on her own cupcake to blow out, which she figures out after a few tries. Then she absolutely demolishes the treat.
When Junie turned one last summer, it was just the two of us in our apartment near campus, and after she went to bed, I cried as I picked up the mess of her cake smash from the floor. It was partly because I was so, so exhausted. But it was also because we were alone.
Mom was on the Fourth of July committee last year and Bellamy and Rusty were visiting a friend in Seattle. Bishop and Gabi and Boyd and Ruby live clear on the other side of the country. Briar offered to come, but honestly, I was doing summer school and the idea of having anyone come visit felt chaotic and stressful, so I told her to stay in town and enjoy the holiday at home.
In the end, that meant it was just me and my Junie Bee, which didn’t feel like a big deal until it suddenly was, until the loneliness of what it’s like to handle everything on your own as a single parent felt like too much to just barrel my way through.
I had just curled up in bed, crying quietly and trying not to wake Junie, until the fireworks did the job. Then we sat outside together, headphones over her ears, watching the sky erupt. I promised her then that it would be the only birthday she would ever spend alone for as long as I could help it.
And now…
I’ve felt on the verge of tears all evening watching everyone rally around Junie at my parents’ house, making her feel special, like it’s her day, and not just a holiday. From the décor—unicorn themed to strike a stark contrast to anything red, white, and blue—to the food to the most thoughtful gifts.
Not that gifts are the way to show someone you love them. But to see her surrounded by toys that were bought with her in mind warmed something in my heart. Mom and dad got her this cushy chair that looks like a couch for a toddler. Bellamy and Rusty went in with Andy and Briar on a kitchenette play station, though Bellamy wanted to assure me she wasn’t ‘sending my daughter to the kitchen’, which made me laugh.
And then there‘s the gift from Reid, a wooden rocking horse he made himself. An oak body, yarn for the mane and tail, and tiny leather ears.
“It might be too big for her,” he says, crouching down and hoisting her onto the seat, showing her where to grasp the handles. “But I figure it’s a toy she can grow into. And I left the wood unvarnished in case you want to paint it. Give it some more…personality.”
Reid looks up at me then, his eyes soft.
“You know…get back into the water.”
My throat grows tight, and after instructing Junie to thank Mr. Reid—“Thanks, Misery!” she says, to a chorus of laughter from my family—I excuse myself for a moment.
To catch my breath.
To calm my heart.
To still my shaking hands.
Only then do I return to my family, a smile on my face as we all head back out onto the deck to hang out until the fireworks start. After a while, we take chairs down to the water, lining them up in a row facing south, towards where the motorized dock is floating. I have Briar on one side and Reid on the other, Junie in my lap, and it’s so much better than last year. So, so much better.
At nine sharp, the fireworks begin. Junie oohs and aahs and claps her hands, her little face lit up and her eyes huge as she watches explosions fill the sky.
I can’t help but watch Reid, too. The way the reds and blues and whites pop color on his face, his head tilted back, that perpetual stubble in ever deeper shadow tonight. His friendship has become so important to me since I moved home, but I would be lying if I kept trying to deny that there isn’t more to how I feel about him. From the moment he caught me trying to break into his house, my heart has thumped an uneven rhythm. Tonight, that beating has grown louder, harder to ignore, and has rattled something free within my chest that I didn’t know was there.
Love.
Not lust, the way I’ve felt about other boys in the past, where it’s all butterflies in your stomach and a tingling under your skin, but love. The kind of devotion you read about, the kind that happens to other people, but never to you.
Maybe…maybe there is room in my life for a forever kind of love. Something profound and unexpected and…fulfilling in a way I didn’t know love could be.
In the past, the only kind of love I had experienced was the selfish kind, the kind that was about what you could get, not what you can give, and that was enough.
Until it wasn’t.
Now, I can’t imagine ever giving those boys a second look when I know there are men like Reid, though that thought has me shaking my head. There are no other men like Reid Cohen. I’m sure of it. He stands apart. Strong, sturdy, steadfast.
As the fireworks show rises into its climactic finish, Reid looks my way, his eyes bright and his expression easy. He’s not smiling, but I can see that dimple on the left side of his face that tells me he’s happy.
And then he looks at me, too.
For a long moment, we just stare at each other, as the last of the fireworks pop off in the sky. He searches my face, though I’m not sure what he’s looking for, then opens his mouth, like he’s going to say something. I wait with bated breath, desperate to know what’s on his mind, wondering if his thoughts might mirror my own.
But then the sky goes dark, the show concluding, and Reid looks away as my family begins to applaud. We can hear cheers from neighboring homes, other families and friends gathered on docks and in back yards to watch the spectacle as well.
Just like that, the moment—whatever that moment was—is lost.
I pull to a stop on the parking pad outside my cabin and sit there for a moment, leaning my head back against the headrest, my eyes closed.
What a night that was.
I’m pretty sure unicorn is going to be Junie’s entire personality for the foreseeable future. She still had glitter on her face as I carried her upstairs to put her to bed in my childhood bedroom, and she didn’t stir at all as I got her tucked in.
She had way too much sugar today and was bouncing all over the place…up until she crashed almost the minute after the fireworks show ended. Mom suggested setting her up in my old room for the night, since I have to be at the store bright and early— day two! —and it didn’t make sense to take Junie home, waking her up, disrupting her sleep, and then bring her right back at six in the morning tomorrow.
I hope Junie gets some good sleep, because I’m not sure I will. It’s my first night away from my baby—ever—and I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. Before my mind can wander too much, a pair of headlights flash as they turn the corner behind me and begin to pull down the lane toward the cabins.
Reid.
He left only a few minutes after I did, offering to load the rocking horse back up in his truck to bring home because I have a bunch of shit in the back of my SUV for the bookstore. I shut off my engine and step out, stretching slightly before I head over to where he’s coming to a stop.
“Thanks again for bringing this home for me,” I say as he opens up the back seat and tugs out the rocking horse.
“No problem. Originally, I planned to just give it to her here, which probably would have been easier but a whole lot less fun.”
Junie loved her gift from ‘Misery.’ He was right…it is a bit too big for her, but it’s going to be an amazing toy for her to enjoy for a few years.
I grab one end, prepared to help Reid carry it inside, but he shakes his head. “I got it.” Then he hoists it over one shoulder and begins walking, leaving me to admire his muscles as he goes, his strong, broad shoulders and the biceps that flex with the effort.
As he sets the rocking horse down in Junie’s room, my mind scrambles, searching for something to say. I’m not ready for him to go yet.
“I’m thinking about enjoying my freedom tonight and jumping in the lake for a night swim,” I say, the idea coming to me suddenly. “Wanna join me?”
Reid rubs at the stubble on his face for a minute, and I wonder if he’s going to say no.
Then he nods, his lips tilting up at the sides. “Actually, yeah. Gimme a second to change and I’ll join you.”
A bubble of joy begins to swell in my chest, and I nod as Reid turns, heading out the door, his feet thudding on the deck outside before disappearing as he steps down to the grass. I sprint into action, dashing into my bedroom and digging around through the clean clothes that are still in a hamper in the corner, next to my bed that’s still on the floor. It would be nice if I could get all my shit finally set up and furniture in this place so it doesn’t look like a bachelor pad, but that will come in time, I’m sure. I just have to be patient.
Eventually, I find my navy blue swimsuit, the only two piece I own that makes me still feel sexy even with the stretch marks that never really faded after Junie was born. I wear them like a badge of honor—they are a mark that at one point, my body did the hard work to make space to protect my baby—but every so often, I can’t help but wish it were still the cute thing it was pre-pregnancy.
Sighing, I aggressively shove all those thoughts into a box in my mind and seal it tight. There’s no room for any of that tonight.
Once I’ve changed, I pop into the bathroom and take a look at the light layer of makeup I’ve had on all day, then do a little sprucing, wiping away the mascara that has smudged slightly before swiping on more and adding a dab of concealer over a few red spots around my temples. Then I grab my towel and my phone and head out to the dock.
I stand on the edge, waiting for Reid to join me, thrilling when I hear the subtle squeak of his screen door in the distance and a few beats later feel his footsteps on the dock as he comes up behind me. Turning to say hello, I about choke on my tongue when I see him, my eyes traveling the length of him as he strides my way.
Then I spin back around, wishing I wasn’t so damn obvious. I’ve already seen Reid without his shirt, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less delicious the second time around.
“I thought you’d already be in the water,” he says, dropping his towel on top of mine.
“I’m always a bit scared to jump in by myself,” I share honestly. I glance back at him. “At night, I mean. I know it’s kind of ridiculous.”
“Maybe a little,” he teases, bumping me gently with his shoulder as he steps up to the edge next to me. “But really, who knows what’s in there? All kinds of creepy things. Could be like…the Loch Ness monster or something.”
I snort and roll my eyes. “Now who’s being ridiculous?” I ask, bumping him back, the skin of his bicep soft and warm as I graze lightly against him.
“Hey, I’m just trying to be good company,” he replies, shrugging his shoulders. “ You’re the one who’s afraid to jump in.”
At that, I giggle, enjoying this round of flirty banter.
“Is that why you invited me?” Reid asks. “Because you wouldn’t be able to jump in if you were alone?”
I shake my head. “Nah. I just like seeing you without your shirt on.”
Reid raises his eyebrows, surprise rippling through his expression at my bold comment, but before he can say anything in response, I let out a cackle and jump into the water, one hand plugging my nose and my eyes scrunched tight.
The cool water envelopes me, the chill providing relief to my warm skin. I’m unsure how deep this part of the lake is, but it’s enough that I don’t feel even a hint that the bottom is near as I sink low into the cool darkness then kick myself up to the surface. When I emerge, I wipe the water from my face and look to Reid, who is still standing at the edge of the dock, a smirk on his face.
“You coming?”
He chuckles. “Just wanted to make sure you scared off Nessie before I join you.”
My laughter turns into a squeal as he launches off the dock and plunges in just a few feet away from me, water splashing me. When he emerges from below, he tosses his hair out of his face and grins.
“God, this feels amazing,” he says, rotating so he’s floating on his back. “I feel like I need to do this every night.”
I follow suit, and then we’re both staring at the sky, at the stars just beyond the tree line.
“Yeah, it’s pretty dreamy.”
We drift like that for a while, not saying anything, each of us just enjoying the sensation of weightless buoyancy.
“I’ve missed being able to see the stars like this,” I tell him, my memory taking me briefly back to my childhood and teen years when I spent countless nights lying out on the dock next to Bellamy, staring at the sky. “In LA, there was too much light pollution. You’d be lucky to see anything in the sky other than smog.”
Reid chuckles. “That’s what I hear.”
I turn, glancing his way. “Have you never been to LA?”
“Nah. I’ve done plenty of traveling to big cities, and they’re fun, but not for me. I’m a small-town boy through and through.” He pauses. “Even if I don’t know everyone’s names.”
My eyes return to the sky as I giggle to myself, and we float in silence side by side for a few minutes, just enjoying the peacefulness of nature. Every so often I hear the faint pop of fireworks being set off or the thump of music as cars pass in the distance. But thankfully, it’s pretty quiet on this end of the lake, considering it’s still a holiday.
“So…looked like Junie had a great time tonight,” Reid says after a few minutes. “Was the party a success?”
I grin. “A resounding success. The most successful.”
“Good. I’m so glad.”
“Nights like tonight make it all worth it, you know?”
“Makes what worth it?”
“The move. Coming here. It was for this, the chance for her to be with her family. Surrounded by people who love her, who want to… celebrate her, because they know she deserves it.”
“She does deserve it,” he tells me, his voice so certain.
I hum in acknowledgment then spread my arms wider, moving my exhausted limbs in gentle circles.
“She’s staying at your mom’s tonight, right?”
I sink down into the water, submerging my body up to my shoulders.
“Yeah.”
Reid chuckles. “You sound so sad about it.”
I laugh, too. “I’m not,” I say, though I know it’s not true as soon as the words are out of my mouth. “Okay, maybe I am. Part of me feels like I should be ecstatic to have a night completely to myself, but…I’ve never been away from Junie like this before.”
Reid sinks into the water as well, giving me a sweet smile. “You freaking out a little bit?”
“A little bit. But it feels…ridiculous.”
“Hey.” He swims closer to me so we’re just a foot or so apart. “It’s not ridiculous. That’s your kid. It’s okay to be nervous for something like this.”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. “Thanks.”
I don’t know why, but it felt like I needed that, needed permission to miss her.
It’s only one night, but it’s still new, still a transition. And one we didn’t plan for, either. I didn’t even have time to worry about all the things because it was just…happening, me tucking her into bed at my mom’s and kissing her forehead then driving away.
I dunk my head under the water and scrub at my face, refusing to let myself cry, then break through the surface again.
“So how about you?” I ask, shifting the conversation away from me and anything else that might bring up emotions I’d rather not focus on right now. “What did you think of the party?”
Reid grins and grips the dock with one arm. “It was great. I’ve been to a few kid parties in my day with Leo and Nina, but this one was pretty spectacular. I mean, there were fireworks.”
I roll my eyes at his tease and swim over to the dock as well, grasping the ladder and hoisting myself up before plopping down on the edge, my feet dangling in the water.
“But you’re glad you came? To the party?”
Reid’s head tilts to the side, eyeing me. “Of course.”
“I just…you took off work, so…” My voice trails off, and I hope I don’t sound as needy as I feel.
Thankfully, Reid chuckles briefly before his tone becomes more sincere again. “Busy, life is too short not to do the exact thing you want to be doing,” he tells me. “I wanted to be there, so I made it happen.”
He says it like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like it didn’t just…heal something in my heart to see him put my daughter first, especially when he has no obligation to do that.
When I don’t respond, Reid climbs up the ladder and takes a seat next to me, his thigh pressed against mine, our arms grazing.
“It was fun visiting your parents’ house. When I was a kid, I always wished we had a spot like that, on the water.”
I tuck my hands underneath my thighs. “And now you do.”
Reid chuckles. “The cabin’s great, don’t get me wrong, but it could use a few more square feet, maybe some a/c.”
I pin him with a look. “My freshman year of college I didn’t have air conditioning in my hall and I promised myself I would never do it again.” I shake my head. “I forgot how miserable it is. When we had that heat wave last week it made me wish I’d moved in with my parents instead. And trust me when I say that was the absolute last thing I wanted.”
“They wanted you to move in with them?”
I nod. “Yeah. They said it was a waste for me to spend money on rent when they have a hotel’s worth of empty bedrooms available. And when I was lying in bed in my undies, sweating because it was 95 degrees at one in the morning, a tiny part of me wished I’d given in.”
He laughs. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m glad you’re here.”
I grin at that. “Yeah?”
Reid nods. “Yeah. I mean, before you it was just a bunch of partiers and weirdos next door. Now, I have a neighbor who brings me cheap wine and breaks into my house.”
I can’t help but laugh at his callback to our introduction. “You’re gonna keep up with that bit, huh?”
He shrugs then bumps his shoulder against mine. “Maybe.”
“For how long, you think?”
Reid hums. “Probably for the rest of our lives.”
Something about the way he says it hits me square in the chest, all my reserves falling by the wayside, all my effort to keep myself from falling for Reid going to waste.
We watch each other for a long minute, our bodies pressed together, the night air warm, and when I see his eyes dip to my lips, I don’t think, I just move. Reaching out, I place a hand on his cheek and then my lips against his. He freezes for a beat, and I worry for a moment that I took a misstep, that I completely misread…
But then his mouth opens against mine, his teeth nibbling my bottom lip gently, his hands coming to either side of my face.
I breathe a sigh of relief and he swallows it whole, his tongue dipping lightly, asking for permission that I willingly give, and then the taste of him explodes in my mouth. He tastes like birthday cupcakes and hops and warm summer nights, and I know somewhere deep inside of me that I could exist on nothing but that for the rest of my life.
I lean back, tugging him with me, my back flat against the wooden dock and Reid’s body hovering over mine. He kisses me like he never wants to stop, like he can’t get enough, like I’m the only person he ever wants to kiss for all eternity. It tastes so good, feels so good, as his hand reaches down and grips at my ass through my swimsuit then slides down my thigh to my knee and hitches me up so my leg is hooked over his hip.
His mouth begins to trail down my neck, sucking at my exposed skin, and then he shifts, pressing the hardness between his legs against me. I whimper at the delicious sensation, knowing I’m already growing wet and it has nothing to do with the lake water.
“Reid,” I moan, my hands gripping his damp skin.
My use of his name brings him to a hard stop, his entire body stilling above me. I know almost instantly that he’s calling it right here, my assumption confirmed as he pulls back slowly, and I find regret written all over his face.
“Busy, I…”
He pauses, maybe trying to find the right words. But I know, no matter what he says next, it won’t be what I want to hear.
“I think you’re great.”
I laugh, though I can’t keep the slight edge out of it or hide the way I feel irrevocably wounded, even though I wish I could.
“Always what a girl wants to hear.” I push up and Reid leans back, both of us returning to the sitting positions we were in just a few minutes ago. “Especially when the next word is going to be ‘but.’”
I look his way, an eyebrow raised, waiting for him to speak again.
“But…”
There it is.
“…it’s complicated.”
My laugh is caustic. “Isn’t it always.”
“I just…don’t want to be in a relationship.”
With me. That’s the unspoken. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
I nod, my smile tight. “I get it.”
As I push up onto my feet, embarrassment courses through me. I knew it was a mistake to think there was something there, to think maybe this friendship could become something I never could have seen coming. Instead, I probably ruined whatever this burgeoning friendship was becoming as well.
“I’ll see you later, Reid.” I grab my towel and wrap it around my body, suddenly desperate to cover myself and my foolish attempt to… what …entice him?
“Busy…”
“Thanks again for coming to Junie’s party,” I say, giving him a pinched smile as I back away. “I’ll see you later.”
His face is pained, but I don’t have the mental capacity to care about his feelings in this moment as I turn and walk up the dock, heading back to my cabin.
My empty cabin, and my no a/c, to wallow in the mess I’ve surely made.