Chapter 23
chapter twenty-three
Busy
I’m not an idiot.
At least I don’t think I am.
Sometimes I make foolish choices, but it’s rare for me to be in a situation where I’m completely in the dark. Which is why finding Sarah and Reid wrapped in an intimate embrace on his front porch was so startling. In no world did I see something like that coming.
I stand at the kitchen sink, washing a stain out of a pair of Junie’s shorts for a few long minutes, trying to place how I feel. Before I can do too much reflection, I hear Reid’s footfalls on the deck. He passes by my window, his eyes catching mine as he comes to the screen door.
“Can I come in?”
His words are gentle, tentative. He knows I’m upset.
“Yeah,” I finally call, wringing out the shorts then laying them on a hand towel on the counter.
Reid steps into the living room, the height of him dwarfing the space like it always does, and then he’s standing at the counter across from me.
“Busy…”
“What did I walk in on?” I ask, not giving him a chance to speak first. “Because I felt like that’s what it was, something intimate that wasn’t meant for my eyes. And that doesn’t feel very good.”
Reid braces himself on the island between us, letting out a long sigh. “Sarah wants to get back together.”
My head jerks back, surprise rolling through me. Again. “What?”
“She texted me when my phone was dead, so I didn’t see it until we got home. When we got on the phone, she wanted to get lunch, but I told her I had plans, and she started asking about you. She seemed upset so I figured it couldn’t hurt for her to come over so we could hash some things out.”
Of course, I have a million questions, but I keep my mouth shut, knowing I should let him finish before I interrupt.
“She asked me if I regret the divorce because she does, said she wants to get back together, she misses what we used to be.”
I hate it. Hate her.
She had her chance and she fucked it up, big time. Now she wants him back?
Well tough shit.
I cross my arms and glare at Reid. “And what did you tell her?”
He leans forward, his eyes pouring into mine. “I told her my heart already has a home.”
My eyes narrow. Well isn’t that fucking romantic.
I tilt my chin up. “You said that?”
Reid’s lips tilt up on one side and he nods. “I did.”
“In those words?”
“Verbatim.”
I watch him carefully, looking for any signs that he isn’t telling the truth but seeing none. That’s something I love about Reid; there isn’t a dishonest bone in his body. A refreshing change from the men in my past.
“Sarah and I are friends, sure,” he continues. “But there isn’t anything in me that wants to get back together with her. I’ve never wanted that. From the moment she said she was out, I knew that was it for us, knew any trust or love we shared was shattered beyond repair.”
Reid clears his throat, and I see emotion rolling through him.
“You can’t abandon someone in their darkest moment and believe you can come back to them later like they’ll be unchanged.”
My heart aches, knowing what he’s been through. I can’t imagine what it was like for him, finding out his diagnosis and then having his wife want a divorce so immediately. Like he was somehow defective, and now that she knew, she wanted a refund.
“I’m so sorry you went through that with her,” I tell him, reaching out and placing my hand on his cheek.
He closes his eyes, his head tilting to the side, leaning into my caress.
“I’m sorry you saw us like that,” he says, opening his eyes. “I hope you know we were just…saying goodbye. I told her we needed to move on from our friendship, told her it felt right at one point but doesn’t anymore. Not now that I have you.”
Reid pauses then chuckles, my hand falling away from his face.
“Not that I have you. But now that…you know, we’re figuring things out.”
Licking my lips, I step back from the island and lean back against the counter behind me.
“I appreciate that. I do,” I tell him. “But I feel like if I hadn’t walked over and seen you guys together, I wouldn’t have gotten any of this information. Were you planning to talk to me at all about this?”
His head tilts to the side. “Honestly, I didn’t see the point.”
I nod, crossing my arms. “Maybe it’s unfair of me to expect this from you, considering the fact that we haven’t established what we are yet. But…” I pause, shaking my head. “I’ve dealt with secrets in the past, and they’re something I can’t handle. Earlier this summer, I talked with Sarah. I met her at Marie’s. And she made it sound like you guys talk regularly or get together often.”
Reid watches me, an unreadable expression on his face as I dump out all this…shit I’ve been carrying around for months.
“It bothered me then, but I kept it to myself because it felt like it shouldn’t matter. Like I didn’t have a right to wonder what was going on between you, because you and I weren’t together. But now it feels like it matters. Now it feels like it should be something we talk about, like there shouldn’t be these types of secrets.”
Before I’m even done speaking, he’s rounded the island and stepped close to me, taking my hands in his.
“I don’t ever want to keep secrets from you, Busy,” he says, his eyes searching mine. “For a long time I’ve lived a life where I kept things to myself because it didn’t feel safe to trust someone else. But I feel safe with you. I feel like I could talk to you about anything and you…won’t leave.”
His words shock me. Not only because of how honest they are, how vulnerable, but also because it makes it clear that he’s been thinking about our conversation from the other night. He was so sure, then, that he had closed himself off from loving again out of some self-sacrificing motive. Now, it seems like he’s accepted that it might be more rooted in fear of being abandoned again.
I step forward, wrapping my arms around his waist, sighing deeply as he brings me in tight against him. His hands gently caress my back, and I feel him place a kiss at the crown of my head.
“I’m crazy about you, Busy,” he says, his voice quiet.
He pulls back, bringing his hands to either side of my face.
“I didn’t know love could feel like this.”
I shake my head. “Me either.”
Then he dips down and presses his lips to mine. It’s gentle and sweet as he kisses me once, then twice. On the third, he nibbles at my lower lip, and I moan, opening to him, his tongue dipping in and tangling with mine.
God, I love the way he tastes, love the way it feels to be held in his arms, arms I know will hold me close even when they fail to hold steady.
My phone beeps with a chime that comes from the baby monitor on my phone, and a few seconds later I hear Junie call out for me from her room. I slow the kiss, wishing we had all the time in the world, right now, to kiss each other.
“I’ll be right back,” I tell him, stealing one more quick kiss before I head to Junie’s room.
When I emerge back into the kitchen, Reid smiles at Junie and gives her a goofy wave.
“Misery!” she shouts, as if she didn’t just see him an hour ago.
Then she’s clambering out of my grasp and tottering across the room to him. I understand the urge to race into his arms, and I laugh as he crouches low to pick her up then hoists her high up in the air. Junie squeals and laughs, and Reid brings her down and presses a bunch of kisses against her cheek.
My chest feels tight, and I rub against it, my palm moving in gentle circles as I watch them. It takes me a few minutes to realize what it is, and when I do, I smile.
I don’t think my heart has ever felt so full.
When the door opens, my dad beams at me. “Hey, Little Bee,” he says, embracing me like he hasn’t seen me in weeks. “How many times do we have to tell you not to knock?”
I shrug and slip off my shoes as I step inside. “I don’t know. Another thousand, probably.”
He chuckles, closing the door and following me in. “Here to get your girl?”
I nod. “Yep. We’re heading to the school to meet up with Marie and her kids.”
“Oh, that’ll be nice,” he says. “She and your mom are outside. And just so you know…”
I grab the handle on the door then turn to look back at him.
“…she makes chicken piccata every Monday, hoping you’ll stay for dinner.”
My smile slips, and I glance over at the kitchen, spotting the bag of flour and containers of olive oil and chicken stock sitting out, surrounded by lemons and garlic and a few other ingredients.
“She does?”
He nods. “But she kept asking and you kept saying no, so…” He shrugs. “She didn’t want to keep pestering you.”
My throat grows tight, and I turn to look outside where I can see my mom and Junie sitting on a blanket in the shade.
“I know things have been…off between the two of you,” Dad continues, coming up to my side and looking out with me. “But maybe some time, you could say yes? Might make her happy.”
We stand there for a long minute before he pats me gently on the shoulder then walks away, probably heading back to his office on the other end of the house.
Things have been off between us, and even though we’ve touched on some of the reasons why, I’ve been careful not to address it again, not wanting to dive in too deep. Maybe it’s time to stop avoiding the conversation.
Years ago, if I’d witnessed a man I was talking to embracing another woman, I would have shut down. No conversation, no explanations, no ‘hashing it out’. But when I found out I was pregnant, I started going to therapy, knowing I needed to sort through some of my own issues if I had any chance of being a decent mom to this little girl.
It’s the main reason why Reid and I were able to sort through what happened without it being so much worse. The reason why I didn’t immediately jump to the worst-case scenario when I saw them. Why I was able to believe Reid when he told me what happened.
Maybe I need to do the same with my mom. I think, with her, the reason I avoid the difficult conversations is the same reason Reid was shutting out the idea of love: fear. I’m afraid she’ll realize I’m too much trouble, the thing I’ve kind of always been waiting for. It might not be rational, but it’s there just the same.
I watch them outside for a few more minutes before I slide my phone out of my pocket and call Marie.
“Hey! We’re just loading up. Should be there in twenty minutes,” she says, the sound of kids yelling and laughing in the background.
“That’s actually why I’m calling,” I tell her. “Can we rain-check for another day? I’m thinking about staying at my parents’ for dinner tonight.”
“Oh, no problem!” she says. “We’re still heading over because these monsters need to run around and get some of this energy out. But just text me and we can try again soon.”
“Thanks for understanding. Sometimes you just need…time with your mom,” I say, something like relief settling in my chest.
Marie laughs. “Girl, my mom and I get together every week. I completely understand.”
We exchange goodbyes and get off the phone, and then I tug open the door and head outside over to where they’re sitting in the grass.
My mom turns and sees me then smiles wide. “Look, Junie! Mom’s here!”
Junie giggles and climbs off her lap, tripping over her shoes before she stands again and begins racing toward me. My girl loves to run. I crouch low and accept a big hug, falling back into the grass with a laugh. We snuggle for a second and then I sit up, looking at my mom, who is shaking out the blanket they were sitting on.
“How’d she do today?” I ask.
“Good. Slept well, ate well.” Mom shrugs and gives me a smile. “No complaints. How was work?”
“Also good. I think Briar is already considering hiring a new employee.”
“Oh, wow. Things must be going really well, then.”
I nod, staying seated as she approaches, her blanket flung over one arm.
“Hey, I was thinking, if you don’t have plans tonight, maybe we could stay for dinner?”
My mom’s eyebrows rise, but then she beams at me. “I would love that. I’m making chicken piccata.”
I stand, hoisting Junie with me, something inside of me knowing that everything is going to be just fine.
“Really?” I say, following behind her as she heads for the door. “That’s my favorite.”