Chapter 28 #2
Unable to stop himself, he lowered into a squat, so he could be on the same eye level with her. “What have ye got there?”
She looked up proudly. “Flowers.”
“I can see that.”
“They are for Miss Ailis, Me Laird. She likes flowers, and she told me that they make her happy when she is feelin’ sad.”
The little girl held them out, inspecting the crooked stems. “I picked the bonniest ones.”
Gordon looked at the tiny bundle, his heart warming with pride. “Ye did well.”
Lileas smiled and ran away from him again. He watched her go, her words ringing in his head.
She likes flowers.
Ailis had brought color into every room she entered. She had painted flowers across cloth, filled the children’s chambers with bright things, and somehow made even his cold stone walls look less like a fortress.
His gaze drifted toward the staircase, and he dragged in a deep breath as he considered going up to her chamber to see her.
Perhaps if I can see that she is all right for meself, I willnae worry so much.
His right hand tightened into a fist at his side as he struggled with the urge to march up the stairs that instant.
“Gordon,” someone called for him just then, and he turned to see Marion walk toward him, her smile gentle as always.
“Marion,” Gordon called, greeting her with a light hug and a kiss to both her cheeks when she reached him, “I havenae seen much of ye today. How are doin’?”
“I am well,” she told him with a nod, and he pulled back from her as she added. “Although I daenae think it is me ye really want to ask about.”
Gordon feigned ignorance and let a frown pinch his forehead. “I daenae ken what ye mean.”
“Miss Ailis,” she continued. “If ye wish to see her, then ye should go see her.”
His jaw tightened. “She is restin’. I daenae wish to disturb her rest. She needs it after what she has been through, and I would only trouble her with me presence.”
“Perhaps.” Marion studied him for a moment then continued, “Or perhaps ye would comfort her.”
Gordon looked away. “She is hurt because I failed to protect her.”
“Ye cannae protect everyone, Gordon. It isnae fair that ye would put such a burden on yerself.”
“It is me duty,” he countered, shaking his head. “Uncle always said I was responsible for…”
“Yer uncle…” she interrupted, her voice sterner than he had ever heard it.
She touched his cheek and held his gaze.
“… was a vile man. He was me husband, and I cared for him at one point, but I kent it. We all kent it. He spoke of duty, power, and fear, and he made ye think that to be a good ruler ye need to be feared and ye need to be alone. I have watched ye all these years put everyone else above ye, but…”
She exhaled a shaky breath and tilted her head to one side. “Ye neednae be alone to be a good leader, Gordon. Ye spend yer days tellin’ everyone what must be done, Gordon. Perhaps ye should stop commandin’ yerself for one moment and listen.”
“To what?”
“To the part of ye that wants to let someone in for the first time. Listen to the part of ye that wants somethin’ for yerself.”
His throat tightened, and Marion’s voice softened further.
“Ailis likes flowers and paintings. She likes the children. She likes makin’ things beautiful. Go to her.”
His voice quaked as he finally let out the words that plagued him. “But I daenae ken what to say.”
“Then say nothin’.” He looked at her, confused for a moment. “Sit with her.” Marion reached for his arm. “Let someone in, Gordon. If ye keep every feeling locked behind those walls of yer heart, ye may discover one day that ye have lost the person standin’ outside them.”
She walked away before he could answer, and Gordon finally mustered the strength to walk away.
Her words followed him into his study, and even after hours had passed, they still echoed in his head.
His maps lay open before him, alongside his accounts ledger, but he saw none of them.
All he could see was Ailis.
Ailis laughing, painting, and kneeling beside Lileas.
When he could not take the torment anymore, he got up and walked to the inner chamber of his study.
He unlocked a chest tucked beneath an old table, and inside were his paints and brushes.
Gordon stared at the remnants of a life his uncle had once called useless, and his fingers itched with longing as he picked up the brush he had not held in years.
I have forgotten what it is like to paint.
But for the first time, he wanted to remember the feeling.
He wanted to remember the warmth he had forgotten until Ailis began filling his life with color.
He carried the supplies to the table and sat, then got up again, left his chamber and ordered the first guard he saw to fetch him fresh painting supplies.
At first, he did not know what to paint, but the brush moved slowly, and he began by outlining strokes and lines. Soon, there was only one image in his head as he painted.
Blue eyes and hair the lightest shade of brown.
Hours passed as he sat there, pouring out everything in his heart, and by the time dawn approached, his head ached and his eyes burned.
Gordon stared at the finished work with a swell of pride in his heart.
He had spent the entire night painting her. A small smile tucked on the corner of his lips as he wandered out of his study into the garden silvered with morning dew.
He gathered the freshest flowers he could find, choosing carefully until he had a small bundle in his hand before heading back into the keep.
His heart beat harder with every step as he approached Ailis’ chamber, and he thought of what he would say to her.
He reached, and his hand hovered near the door when he heard a small, broken sob from inside.
Gordon froze, his chest cracked open at the sound of her crying.
Is she cryin’ because of me?
His fingers tightened around the flowers. Each sob seemed to strike somewhere beneath his ribs
“What am I even doin’?” he whispered, looking down at the flowers in his hand.
He thought of Marion’s words and wanted to tell Ailis everything he felt. He thought of a life with her, one where she would remain in his keep, at his side, and brighten his life as she had since the moment she arrived.
Then he heard another sob, and his heart sank even lower.
It doesnae seem like she is happy here.
They had not even wed yet, and he already made her cry.
Gordon slowly lowered the flowers he held to the foot of her door then he took a step back. A sour taste coated his tongue as he realized his decision to keep her at arm’s length was for the best.
Ailis would have a much happier life if he did not interfere in it.
She deserved better than the life he could offer.