Chapter 27 #2
I use the break to find Callie at the other side of the room. I try to muster more fake excitement for her sake, but I’m too depleted. I can’t hide from her anyway. I never could. It’s one of the many things I love about her.
“Thanks, Callie,” I say, inspecting the sandwiches and snacks as a last ditch effort to distract her from my sudden shadows. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“Just don’t yell at me,” she jokes. I try to reward her with a smile but must fail when she softens into encouragement mode.
“You guys sound amazing,” she says, confirming my fears. She knows I’m struggling.
“Yeah? ”
My fingers press into the wheat roll I’m holding. I don’t even realize how hard I’m squeezing until the contents ooze out.
I drop the sandwich onto a plate.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Callie asks, shifting close.
I could lie. Maybe I should.
Sweeny is back from the bathroom and joins Luke and Eli. They’re now debating a variation on the progression for the final chorus. I love seeing them joking around and swapping ideas like old times. It also hurts like hell.
Yeah, I could lie, but I’m not sure what that would accomplish.
I drop the plate on the cart and motion for her to follow me from the room. Once we’re in the hall, I turn to her, but no words come out. I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling. I should be flying high. I was flying high. Parts of me still are.
But there’s this other part…
“Casey, what’s wrong? Are you not happy with the song?”
She draws my attention back to her, and I breathe through a swell of mangled emotions.
“No, it’s not that. I mean, the song is going well, great actually, it’s just…”
That first show without Luke.
The interviews without Luke.
The radio appearances without Luke.
The long nights, empty hotel rooms, quiet tour buses, never ending questions I can’t answer for myself let alone everyone else.
The pressure, the pain, the lonely trudge through what could have been…
Callie startles me back to the present with a squeeze on my arm .
My gaze collides with hers. “This is killing me, Callie.”
The words come out weak and shattered, like the state of my heart.
Her expression mirrors the rest of me that’s just as confused about that perplexing confession.
“What is? What do you mean?”
I motion toward the door, the ghosts on the other side.
“This. Having Luke back. What if it’s not for real? What if this is it?” Once the words start they won’t stop. “I don’t think I can handle losing him again. I don’t want to do this without him anymore. I can’t. ”
It’s all pouring out. Pain, fear, history she’ll never understand, even though she wants to.
She shifts forward to pull me in. Her arms wrap around my back, and I hold her close. The pressure on my chest eases the second my heartbeat finds hers.
“Do you think it’s not?” she murmurs.
“I don’t know,” I whisper against her hair. My lips stay there as I try to gather my thoughts. “He seems sincere, like he’s happy to be back, but what if… I don’t know. What if we wake up tomorrow and learn this was it, all we’re getting?”
My eyes slip closed. A knot forms in my chest.
I don’t know if I’d survive that. I don’t know if I could sit behind my kit and stare into the vacuum again.
This afternoon is all I’ve been fighting for since he disappeared. And now that it’s here, I realize it’s not enough. I don’t want a hologram of my best friend. I want the real thing.
“You need to tell him this,” she says, leaning back. Her gaze locks on mine with silent warning. “He needs to know how important he is.”
My gaze drifts back to the door. On the other side is a fantasy come true, along with a potential nightmare. That’s how important he is. The critical power of this monumental phase shift .
“He just needs to come back,” I say quietly.
God, please bring him back.
No one else seems to be affected by my hidden panic as the night wears on.
Caught in the familiar tide of creation, hours pass quickly before we even realize it.
Callie stays engrossed in her laptop, while we refine the song.
Luke’s song.
The deeper we get into the process, the more it becomes his. Callie and I wrote it, but it always belonged to him.
By the time we wrap for the day, the future fate of this track is sealed. If Luke doesn’t claim “Greetings from the Inside,” no one will. It can’t possibly be led by anyone else.
I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted when Eli and Sweeny announce they want to go out. Their plan doesn’t surprise me, and neither does Luke’s decision to pass and Callie’s decision to stay home with us.
The ride up the elevator to the fourth floor is quiet but not strained. Aiden isn’t on duty and the night attendant is understandably more reserved in his interactions with guests.
Callie’s silence is different than ours, though. She keeps casting weighted looks at us, like she wants to say something, but doesn’t know how.
When we reach our floor, I decide to give her an opening.
“Saw you working. Looked intense,” I say as we move down the hall.
She returns a shy smile. “Yeah, I had some stuff I had to get out.”
“Can I see it?”
“Once we get inside. ”
Luke leads us into the suite, looking as drained as I feel.
“You guys sounded great. Unbelievable, actually,” Callie says, while I close and lock the door.
“You think?” Luke replies.
“Absolutely. As a rabid fangirl, totally impressed.”
Luke’s laugh is thin, but doesn’t sound forced. “Well, good. Thanks for guarding the door.”
“Any time.”
“So what’s this new piece?” I cut in before we small-talk our way out of the real conversation.
Callie offers a tight smile as she pulls out her laptop and places it on the island. Luke and I slide onto the stools and wait.
A heaviness settles over Callie’s face as she scans the screen. Her gaze lifts to us, and I can tell she’s wrestling with something.
“Watching you guys together, how incredible you were, and yet, thinking that it was almost lost… I was… I don’t know. So full of love and fear and regret at the same time.” She blinks back emotion, and I resist the urge to go to her. This is her moment, her message.
“Do you two even know how amazing you are?” she continues in an urgent tone. “I mean, not just individually, but together. I had no idea. It was breathtaking and so sad at the same time.”
Her words smash into me. Everything I felt over the course of that rehearsal comes racing back. But it’s more than fear this time. Callie’s confession breathes validation into the moment as well.
And hope.
I don’t have words for the complex feelings twisting inside me. Luke seems lost in thought as well.
“I wrote this for both of you,” she says, inhaling deeply. “It’s called ‘Laughing Stock.’ ”
She spins the laptop toward us, and we lean forward in unison.
There’s a tension in the room. A saturated mix of anticipation and fear as we confront her words. Those tiny poetic scalpels that always seem to cut to the heart of feelings we’ve barely acknowledged.
“It’s not funny how far you’ve strayed, I’ll say it one time
I can tell by your smile you know I’m right,
still you hide behind the lie.
It’s not funny how far you’ve strayed, I’ll say it this time.
I can tell by your eyes you know what I mean,
still you find a reason to fight, but you’ll never cry.
How can you believe it’s easier to be alone than feel loved?
You fear the embrace of a friend, yet welcome your enemies’ hands as they beat down.
You listen for proof that no one understands you, but we do
And it’s killing me.
It’s not funny to see how well you ignore the signs
By the pain in your eyes I can see you’re fading.
Still you try, you’re losing the fight.
You’re no better for falling apart
Being alone won’t make you stronger
You’ll fall harder the more space you put between us
But I’ll catch you, oh I’ll catch you .
How can you believe it’s easier to feel alone than feel loved?
You fear the embrace of a friend, yet welcome your enemies’ hands as they beat down.
You listen for proof that no one understands you, but I do
And it’s killing me. It’s killing me!
It’s not funny how far you’ve strayed, just listen this one time
Look in my eyes and see how I love you.”
I can’t breathe for several seconds. My gaze scans the words over and over, but I’m not reading them.
I don’t have to. I felt them. Every syllable.
Every gouge carving out the core of what I feel, what I’ve felt, but never found the words to explain it.
Or had the courage to express them even if I had.
But she does.
This force who burst into our lives and exploded the barriers protecting the shadows that kept us apart.
Luke is deathly quiet. He’s staring at the screen like I am, but he’s not reading either.
My pulse races as I wait to see what he does with this.
Everything in me knows he’s going to run.
He’ll scurry back to his room and hide from the uncomfortable truth until he’s able to rebuild the fortress around his pain.
I’m going to lose him again.
I see it in the way his fingers claw at his knee.
The way his gaze shifts in absent torment.
He’s going to run.
He’ll leave me alone with these devastating words and a shattered heart and a fucking abscess in my soul that will?—
“Is it true?” His tormented gaze locks on me, and small explosions detonate inside me at the surprise connection.
I inhale a sharp breath. I wasn’t ready for him to stay. I don’t know what to do with the question I’ve been waiting for since Elena’s death.
Is it true?
I can’t speak. Tears burn behind my eyes.
Is it true?
It doesn’t even matter what truth he’s referring to. The answer is yes. It’s true. It’s all fucking true. Every last painful word and thought. Feeling and memory that I can’t shake no matter how hard I fight.
I want to say it, but the only words for this are already on that screen. Nothing I say will be more true than that.
He shifts in his stool, and my heart cracks apart.
He’s going to run, and this time, there’s no way he’ll come back.
A moment like this is too important to undo.
He slides off the stool. I brace for the sting.
But instead of moving left toward escape, he covers the short distance between us. Instead of pushing me away, he pulls me into a tight embrace.
Time stops. Air, space… all of it frozen as I lean into him, holding on with everything I have.
Tears drip down my cheeks, and I let them fall. They stain his shirt, like his bleed into mine.
It’s brutal and beautiful. Two shattered souls silently repairing themselves.
Two tortured pasts coming together to form a healing bond that only shared pain can forge.
His grip tightens, and I drag in a ragged breath. For several long seconds we stay like that. When he finally releases me, we wipe our eyes in a silent agreement to protect this moment.
I’m shocked again when he turns to Callie instead of retreating to his room.
“Can we use these, Callie?” he asks.
She seems just as surprised. “What do you mean? ”
“I…” He shoots me a brief look filled with complex thoughts. “For the EP. We still need two to three more songs.”
I flinch. “Wait. Seriously? You’re in?”
I can barely get the words out. My heart is pounding.
Luke’s pleading gaze locks on mine. “If you’ll have me back.”
Callie yelps and circles the island to launch at him. He chuckles as he catches her.
On instinct, I complete the shocking encounter with a three-person hug that should feel weird, but doesn’t. We’ve waited too long, suffered too much to take anything away from this exquisite connection.
“Of course you can use it!” Joy leaks out of her as she pulls back to meet his gaze. “But only if you use ‘Perfect Day’ too.”
Luke winces. A shadow passes over his face. “Really? I don’t know. I didn’t write that for anyone else.”
“Neither did I,” Callie returns.
No. Nothing that’s happened over these last few weeks was meant for anyone outside of this room. None of it was about anything other than deep personal journeys—but the best, most authentic art usually is.
“Dude, she’s right,” I say, excitement mounting. “Think about the journey those three songs would represent. After everything we’ve been through, that’s some epic comeback shit right there.”
“You just need to add a good breakup song,” Callie jokes.
A ray of humor pokes through the somber pall. Maybe the Jana drama will have a purpose after all.
“I think I can handle that one,” I say with a laugh.
“Oh really?” Callie returns with a mock scowl.
“Not for you, silly! The angry ex who hit me.”
She snorts a laugh. “You could call it ‘Bella Amberosi.’”
“Hey, maybe. I have some ideas,” I reply with a smirk.
My humor fades when my gaze settles on Luke again. He’s still deep in thought, but there’s a softness to him I haven’t seen in a very long time. I’m not sure I ever have .
He wanted to know if people can change? He’s living proof.
I told Callie at that first breakfast we knew two completely different people. At the time, I meant it as a point of concern and critique. Now, I see it as the opposite.
I knew the man our world tried to break. She met the trapped soul fighting to break free.
“Really, man, you have no idea…” I force out. “I mean…”
God, I don’t even know what I mean. I mean everything. I mean things that can’t be put into words.
Only music.
Luke claps my shoulder and pulls me in again.
“I know, brother. I do,” he says quietly.